Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Some definitions of Dominance/ submission are here
At its core : "Dominance and submission (also called D&s, Ds, and D/s) is a set of behaviors, customs and rituals involving the giving by one individual to another individual of control over them in an erotic episode or as a lifestyle."
But essentially this is about two people’s own interpretation. Theirs is a simple and beautiful relationship.
This is another true story revolving around how BDSM has helped a marriage. B will tell the story.
So here we go…
Here’s some background about us:
J & I met over 18 years ago, in the end of 1993, the beginning of our junior year of high school. We became best friends right away and He fell in love with me, though I only wanted to be friends. At one point, we tried what I called “friends with a twist” but I soon ended it because I didn’t want to lose His friendship, which I ended up doing anyways. We were barely speaking by graduation (95), saw each other on and off until the last time in (02/97). Fast forward to 10/04, my ex had walked out almost 2 years prior and I was lonely and looking for friends only. I decided to look up J, and found a man who had been in love with me all that time. We’ve been together ever since. Our sex life has never been completely vanilla, from day two (literally) we’ve been open and very sexual with each other. We’ve always had a very very active life, and it even gets more so, even after 7+ years.
I know your marriage has only recently changed to become a D/s relationship, can you tell us what made you begin to consider this? I'm also curious as to whether either of you can recall any feelings or thoughts before this that leaned toward Dominance or submissiveness?
I was the one to bring up D/s to my Husband. I had been into reading some erotica and stumbled upon an author that I really enjoyed the series I was reading (not D/s) so I decided to read all her books and started to read about D/s. the thought of BDSM had always been something that was taboo to me, too off, too much, too weird. But when I learned about D/s on its own, I was intrigued. I especially liked the parts where the sub would sit at her master’s feet, or have her eyes downcast and be kneeling in other parts. After reading for a while, I brought it up to J, about how certain things were turning me on. He was surprised that I liked what I was reading, and asked me more about it. I explained to Him what it meant for a Dominant to take care of His sub, how and why that appealed to me, what I liked about some things that were considered the norm in a D/s relationship.
Looking back now, I can see that in a relationship, I have always preferred to be submissive. I have always tried to put my man first. An example I like to use a lot is that we would play the game “what do you want tonight for dinner? I don’t care, what do you want? Whatever you want. I HATED that, I always have. If I have an opinion, I would state it, otherwise, I truly in my heart wanted to do only what my Husband wanted to do. I wanted to put His needs, His wants, His desires in front of my own. That makes me happiest. I always enjoyed doing little things to make Him happy.
How and why did you begin changing the structure of your marriage. I'd love to know about communication and discussions you may have had because that seems to be a key point mentioned in other marriages like this.
If I remember correctly, our change was slow and subtle at first. At first, neither of us really understood much, I just knew there were things that appealed to me. I didn’t know how to try anything out without saying “do this, try this”. I somehow knew that that was still being in control, which I didn’t want. What I remember once, in the beginning, is when we sat down to watch TV one night, instead of sitting in my usual spot, I brought over a pillow and blanket and sat at His feet. As we sat there and watched some mindless show, He stroked my hair as I laid my head on His leg, and it was the most content I had felt in a long time.
We enjoyed 2 months of sexual D/s with both of us starting to read more about the lifestyle and learning more about it, both together and separately. With each new thing we learned about, we talked about whether we wanted to try it or not. with new things, when we would try it, we would talk about it a few days later after we both were able to reflect on it, and we’d say if it worked or if it didn’t, if it was something we wanted to keep or not. We are completely open with each other and share absolutely everything, so it is easy for us to speak of any and everything. It’s easy for either of us to say “hey, let’s try this” or “what do you think about this” and then we will discuss it, try it and see if we want to keep with it or not.
Can you see yourselves continuing your marriage in the same way in the future?
Oh yes. I think this is a lifestyle change for us. It’s who we are now, not what we do. We’ve always had a slight element of it, looking back, in our relationship. It’s natural and comfortable to us. Our D/s seems to be a little bit different of a dynamic than what we see others in, even other 24/7 couples. I’m unsure if this is because we knew each other and were married, then grew into our kink together, or if it’s just because we’re weird.
For us, our D/s relationship means He’s in charge. He makes all decisions, in and out of the bedroom. But I am always able to speak my mind. If He wants sex, but I’m not feeling well, I can tell Him. He makes the decision on what we will do or not do, but more often than not, He’ll respect that I’m not up to par and He’ll wait. We are equals in every way. I have chosen to give up my control in all things, but He still wants me to be me. He does not micromanage me. I am able to do what I want, when I want, with the exception of orgasms (He controls those at all times). There are times that He will give me something specific to do, and I like those times, as it’s a little extra way of Him exerting His dominance. I only have 3 rules, trust Him, obey Him, and cannot cum without His permission. He takes care of the big things, He works to pay the bills, He carries the big stress and worries. I do the little things to take care of Him. I have dinner ready or near ready when He comes in. I have the place cleaned. I set out His clothes, and will start His shower. I anticipate His needs and try to do or get things before He asks for them. I’m here for Him to take sexually, whenever He wants. I’m His.
Is there any advice you'd give other couples?
The advice I would give other couples is to be completely open in EVERYTHING with your partner. I’m always saddened when I see people posting places that they are unable, in whatever way, be it shyness or fear or whatever, to share their fantasies and desires with their partner. I don’t understand it, though I previously was in that kind of relationship myself. Now that I’ve been with my Husband, I don’t know how I ever managed like that. He and I share everything. If it’s a random thought in my head, I share it. We talk, pretty much nonstop. We are always talking, sharing, just being together and being close. There’s a community that I go to, and there are people there saying that they are bored with sex after 2 years, or even just a few months. It is a shame to me. We are 7 years in and still going strong. We are hornier now than ever for each other. Sex is always wonderful, fresh and new, each time.
Just to put their story in perspective here is an extra message B sent me after I read her story because she was worried about whether she'd written enough.
I kept trying and trying to make it better. I just don't feel like I do us justice, because we are just so amazing. lol. Our sex life and love life are just really out of a fairy tale. Our "real" life hasn't been kind and it's amazing the things we've survived and we thrive through. It’s hard to really get the pureness of what we share. It’s pretty awesome. :)
A link to a good information site about BDSM http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
I'm an author who is (obviously) fascinated by BDSM. My website: http://www.carisilverwood.net/
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
A submissive friend of mine once told me that she used to have a problem with mouthing off to her Dom. If you know anything about most Doms, that is something most don't take kindly too and usually don't allow to continue for long. Her Dom wasn't any different. Instead of spanking her or giving her some other generic form of punishment, he drove his point home by having her hold a live goldfish in her mouth. She recalled to me how it felt flopping around inside her mouth. The correction was unique, it had relevance to the situation, and it made the point of the importance of controlling her words and tone.
I love using this creativity in my writing. In Slave, Brianna was caught not paying attention, so Stephan took her books away from her. It amazes me how many of my readers who are not in the lifestyle react to this correction. Most were outraged that he would take her book away from her, her most prized possession at the time. But I say to them, that's the point. In order for correction or punishment to be effective, it has to be something that is not pleasant for the submissive. What is taken away or what is done has to be tailored to the individual and the situation because every person is different and no one reacts the same.
How to come up with creative corrections/punishments can be a challenge in and of itself and it takes practice and experience no matter if you are an author writing it or a Dom/me living it. As a writer, however, you have a little more time to think things through as you don't have a naughty sub sitting there waiting for your sentence.
Where to start?
First, you need to look at the overall situation. What is the state of the character's relationship? Have they been together for a while? Has trust been built or is everything still new and tentative?
Once that is established, look at the crime. Was it intentional or a misunderstanding? If a submissive intentionally and with all knowledge breaks a rule, they must be dealt with more harshly than one that has accidentally taken a miss step .
The best punishments are the ones that leave a lasting impression of the lesson. It doesn't matter if it is something as simple as a writing assignment or a cold shower; the point is that it teaches, it corrects, and it deters.
If you are in the lifestyle, have you either given or been given any creative punishments? And authors, what are some of the more creative corrections/punishments you've written?
(Sherri Hayes is the author of one BDSM novel, Slave (Finding Anna Book 1). More information can be found on her blog http://www.findingannaseries.blogspot.com/.)
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
I laughed, because we were both sweaty and dirty and not in the fun way. With His help, a goodly chunk of our bathroom DIY remodel project was completed. Along with some other huge tasks that needed doing that we never would have gotten done without His help. See, He might be my Sir--ironically, He wanted to be more in submissive pup mode over the weekend--but we are first and foremost friends. Nothing else could have happened if He and His wife, and Hubby and myself, weren't all friends. We can all go do vanilla things like go out to dinner, see a movie, or even remodel a bathroom.
I think too many people run afoul in the BDSM world because they let their libido overrule their brain. (Not that this doesn't happen in vanilla-land, but it seems to happen even more in the kinky world.) Yes, I know a few people who have had successful long distance relationships blossom into real-life relationships, but most of the success stories I have personal knowledge of involved people being friends first and then developing their relationships.
I've talked about this before, because it all hinges on trust and respect. But do you honestly like someone, that's a key ingredient. Sure you can be attracted to them, lust for them, but when the whips are put away, when the 9-5 day job calls, can you talk to that person about vanilla stuff? Can you go traipsing across three counties in search of plumbing supplies for a sixty year-old house and have non-kinky stuff (or non-plumbing stuff) to talk about? Can you call that other person not Sir or Daddy or Master or whatever, but first and foremost your friend?
Hubby jokes that Sir and I are twins, and there's a bit of truth to that. We were friends first, with more than a little of a big brother/little sister dynamic. (Albeit teasing-yet-protective big brother and evil-yet-lovable little sister. LOL) If the play dynamic were to end right now, we would still be friends. We're a lot alike in many ways, we have many of the same interests, and we're different enough in all the same ways.
Oh wait, that's a lot like how Hubby and I are too. :) And we're been together over fourteen years now.
Let's face it, this is the same way you should approach any relationship, with friendship being the cornerstone of your dynamic, whether it's vanilla or kinky. Then let nature take its course from there. Don't be so eager to rush things that you lose sight of what you want--and deserve--in a relationship.
(Tymber Dalton is a bestselling author and lifestyle BDSM switch. Her website is http://www.tymberdalton.com )