Thursday, February 21, 2013

Is there an age requirement to be a good Dom?

Recently I've been reading a lot about the age of Doms and how many people would never consider someone under the age of, for instance, thirty years old to be a "real Dom". Most of the reasons given for this opinion have to do with maturity and experience. I agree, to a certain extent. I've seen men on sites like FetLike who are 18, 20 etc and calling themselves Doms. At that young, it doesn't seem to me that a man can be everything a Dom should be. I believe Doms do need to have a certain amount of life experience before they can be a good Dom. But what's the "magic number"? Is there one?

In the book I'm writing currently, my Dom is twenty-seven. He's one of the youngest Doms I've ever written. I think Conner from Impact was between twenty-five and twenty-eight, but Jack from Caught and Ryan from Master Class were both in their thirties. Will has a few insecurities/hang-ups/whatever you want to call them because he isn't quite as emotionally mature as my older Doms. I'm not a big fan of writing the uber-Dom anyway, so my Doms tend to have doubts, but in Will's case some of his even stem from the idea that he's not sure he NEEDS BDSM in his life. Can he be happy without it if his lover isn't into it?

How much experience does a man need before he can fully grasp the crucial aspects of BDSM - particularly the psychological aspects? (By the way, I use man as a catch-all - the same points go for women as Dommes.) Can someone who's only a few years out of college really understand and be able to translate into practice all the nuances of BDSM?

I'm not saying they can't - just posing the question. So what do you think?

I released Unexpected Top on January 18th, and it's got a bit of a different slant to BDSM. The heroine initiates a female-led relationship (similar to Taken in Hand) to try to save her marriage. For more information on that or any of my other books, check out my website at

-- Cassandra

Monday, February 18, 2013

To radical feminists who hate BDSM: Fuck. You.

On one of the email lists I'm on, someone posted a blog entry sent to them. The short version is the blog was written by a radical feminist who claims that anyone who practices BDSM is a misogynistic asshole (the male Dominant) or a delusional, weak, misled woman (the submissive).

Really? REALLY? This is 2013. Do we REALLY have to keep having these kinds of discussions?

The basic tenets of BDSM are trust and communication. Are there abusive assholes? Sure there are, just like there are in vanilla land. And the abusive assholes can be of either gender.

The radical feminists who refuse to see that BDSM is a legitimate choice in both relationship dynamics as well as sexual practices are no better than the radical right-wing anti-gay evangelicals, or the radical extremists of any religion. The radical feminists who put down the choice to participate in BDSM are small-minded, ignorant pinheads who refuse to educate themselves or talk to people one-on-one who participate in BDSM. They are the intellectual equivalent of the Westboro Baptist Church protesters.

Look, my choice might not be your choice, but as a BDSM switch I can unequivocally state that I am NOT abused, nor am I an abuser. As a slave and submissive, all I have to do is safeword and play immediately stops. As a top, if my submissive safewords, I immediately stop.

Tell me how many "abusers" are that considerate?

Radical feminists who abhor BDSM no doubt would be happy if we all just went to doing cowgirl position, coming before our men, and then rolling over to fall asleep without getting them off.


Seriously? Do they think the end result of feminist activism is NOT having the choice to do what we want to do? Really?

You know what? So BDSM isn't your thing. That's cool, I get that. No problem.

My problem comes when some radical feminist who's never met me lays out a blanket statement saying I'm a misguided, abused fool when they don't know shit about me or my lifestyle.

I am a switch. I am a submissive. I am a collared slave. (And yes, there are "one twue wayers" out there whose heads just exploded, and to them I also say, "Fuck. You.")

You don't have to like what I do anymore than I have to like what you do. But here's a key difference--I offer you respect despite not agreeing with your choices.

Too bad you can't offer back the same. And that means you've wasted your opportunities to wallow in the mire of idiocy, level: Westboro Baptist.

Your thoughts?


Tymber Dalton is a screaming banshee moderately outspoken real-life participant in the BDSM lifestyle. Her website is and her sequel to The Reluctant Dom, The Denim Dom, will be released March 1, 2013, from Siren-BookStrand.