Daily Dose of Decadence: Unjustifiable Violence

Daily Dose of Decadence: Unjustifiable Violence: A topic close to my heart this month. By L.C. Dean Fifteen years ago, on an October night, a young man stopped to have drink ...

The Gathering 2012

It's a holiday weekend in Australia and for the Kinky community it's also the weekend for one of the largest events on the Australian BDSM calendar, The Gathering.

This event is a chance for kinkster and members of the BDSM community to get together and celebrate our lifestyle, teach and learn, socialise and connect on whatever level participants choose. There are parties, seminars, guest speakers, and the event I went to on Friday night - The Fetish Market Place. Who wouldn't enjoy socialising with other kinksters, having a drink or two and shopping. Of course it's a two drink limit for me or I'd probably lose control and go home with an empty bank account. Some of the vendors and artisans had amazing wares to sell and I'll include some links to my favorites at the bottom of the blog.

 

For me an event like this accomplishes more than just shopping though. It's different from a party or going to a club, although those activities are definitely included in The Gathering, just on a grander scale. One of the things I love about this lifestyle is it's diversity. At a party or munch you get to meet members of the local community and there's a hint at everyone's differences and how they incorporate BDSM into their lives. When you go to a national event like The Gathering, how diverse the community really is hits home. I met some wonderful people. There were people from all persuasions and orientations, straight, gay, trans-gender, Dom/Dommes, subs, Master/Mistresses, slaves, young, old, fat, thin, different nationalities, you name it and there was probably someone that fell into that category wandering around. Which brings me to the second thing I love about the Aussie (and I suspect worldwide) community. Acceptance.  

 

No-one batted an eyelid at people wearing collars or fetish gear, there was a general acceptance that anything was fine. And not everyone dressed in kinky gear, there was a variety of clothing styles from very casual to dressy. Latex, leather and rubber, whatever people felt comfortable in. The event was open to anyone and I did meet a few vanilla people wandering around. One lady even said to me "You guys really know how to throw a party." I didn't tell her it wasn't a party but I guess she knew that and just didn't have another word for what was happening. The atmosphere was relaxed and friendly, and for me it was a time where I could be myself in a large group of like minded people. It was an awesome evening and I suspect the rest of the weekend would be equally inspiring. Hopefully I'll get to the next one for the whole weekend.

 

Links to some of my favourite vendors.

 

Ms Bares Wares - One of the artisans that embroiders the best T-shirts for kinky folk. I replaced my old 'Ouch is not a safe' word Tee.

 

Gallery Serpentine - I've always loved this shop they sell the most beautiful clothing, everything from corsets to Steampunk, Edwardian and Kinky clothing.

 

Maxxx Black - Adult Store catering for everyone, there were lots of goodies at their stand.

 

Wishuz  - Body Art Jewels that looked amazing on the models.

 

Of course there was a lot more vendors and artisans but these were my top four.

Poly, swinging, open, or...?

There are plenty of misconceptions in the "vanilla" world about WIITWD (what it is that we do) in the BDSM/kink community. One of those misconceptions is that everyone is a sex fiend and sleeping with everyone else willy-nilly.

Nope.

Now, not to say some people don't do that, but as with all populations, there will always be exceptions to the rule.

There are terms tossed around without people seeming to understand what they mean. So let me take a moment for clarification.

When someone says they are "poly," meaning polyamorous, it doesn't necessarily mean they are swingers or have an open marriage.

When someone says they're a "swinger," it doesn't mean they're poly or have an open relationship.

When someone says they have an "open relationship," it doesn't mean they're a swinger or poly.

Or it could mean any or only some of all of the above apply.

The terms are not mutually exclusive, but while sometimes, yes, some people do consider themselves under more than one umbrella, I'm going to discuss the basic differences in them. YMMV.

"Poly" generally means there are established rules or codes of conduct. There isn't any sneaking around behind the other partners' backs. Everyone is on board with what happens. This might mean a "closed" poly group of three or more people, yes, like the menages you read about in fiction, or it might mean one person has more than one partner, but they are committed partners, either permanently or "monogamously" within the confines of the poly group.

For example, in my life, I am in a poly "N" configuration. I am married to Hubby, Sir is married to His wife. Only Sir and I are involved with each other (hence the diagonal on the N), although sometimes Sir and Hubby both top me. The four of us are monogamous within our "pack" as we like to call it. (As in wolf pack.) Occasionally, I will top a male friend of Sir's for play only, but when I do it's usually in an instructional way to show the friend's wife how to use implements.

We are not swingers. We are not "swappers." We are not "open." My primary relationship is Hubby, Sir's primary relationship is His wife. Sir and I are secondary partners to each other.

Poly configurations and rules are as varied as the people in the relationships. We are just one small example of how it can be done.

Swingers are commonly members of clubs or groups (but NO, NOT always) of fellow swingers. They get together for parties or whatnot and have fun as they desire. Not everyone gets lucky at swingers events. People might or might not "swing" outside of their primary relationship on other occasions. Some people only do it within the context of an event or gathering, some have regular partners they swing with.

An "open" relationship is one where members are free, within certain boundaries usually, to seek out other relationships. Sometimes just for sex or fun, sometimes for secondary relationships. Again, it depends on the people.

As I said, these can cross-pollinate (no pun intended, seriously LOL). People can be more than one label. These are just generalities.

Then you have people who consider themselves monogamous, but they might have BDSM playpartners with any level of sexual-type play. To the novice, it might look like sex. But the participants might not consider it sex (for example, orgasm play) and consider themselves monogamous.

Hope that helped clarify things and didn't muddy the water for you. :)

So what are your thoughts on polyamory, swinging, and open relationships?

(Tymber Dalton is a bestselling erotic romance author involved in a poly-N dynamic and is a BDSM switch. You can find her Siren-BookStrand releases HERE, and her website is http://tymberdalton.com)

My Journey into Submission

As usual we've had some great posts here recently. If you haven't read either of Tymber's or Cassandra's recent blog then I suggest you do so, they're great. Both of them made me think and my blog today stems from what's been said. For most of us involved in the lifestyle, BDSM is an ongoing journey and today I thought I'd share a little bit about the road I've travelled.

 

I've been on my journey for nearly half a century. *shudder* I just turned forty-seven; yep the terrifying fifty is on its way. No shades of grey jokes please, I couldn't cope...lol. I assume some of you are wondering why I class my childhood years as part of my journey. I do it firstly, because we are all who we are because of the whole experience of our lives not just the adult portion. My childhood also played a part in my concept of Dominance and submission, although it was flawed in many ways.

 

 

Looking back I recognize the power exchange in the family for what it was…a D/s one. My family was the traditional, father, mother and two kids. My parents stayed together until death, never divorced, my father was the head of the house, and my mother submitted to his authority. Yes she could participate in the discussion about what to do or disagree with his decisions but ultimately his word was law. That sounds very D/s to me I hear you say. Well in many ways it was but mum's submission stemmed from her religious beliefs of 'wives obeying their husband', not living a BDSM lifestyle. The flawed part of the household came with my father's dominance. He was not the Dom we read about in romance novels. He was sadistic, cruel and abusive to his children behind closed doors and the perfect loving father when in public. In my teenage years I rebelled, not only to my father's authority, but to all authority. I decided I would not be controlled by anyone, would not do as I was told and damn anyone who tried to make me behave. I like to think of my teenage years as practicing to be the perfect brat. Thinking back, the lesson I learned about submission from childhood was sometimes rebelling is what you have to do in order to find yourself.

 

Once I reached my early twenties I discovered something interesting about myself. I still had the get fucked attitude when it came to being told what to do in most areas, but I found that when it came to sex and men I wanted a take charge kind of guy in the bedroom. I lost all urge to say no way and instead turned into a submissive creature that wanted only to please and obey. I loved being tied up, unable to resist (not that I wanted to) and the first time someone bent me over their knee and spanked my cheeky ass I thought I'd gone to heaven. For a while I lead a double life. I'm sure my friends believed I never had sex, never dated, and didn't want a relationship because I kept my sex life and my 'real' life totally seperate. I worked as an advocate for women and children that were victims of abuse, yet in my personal live I was engaging in all sorts of kinky activities in secret and choosing to be dominated. Not abused, there's a clear distinction, but I knew that at the time friends and family wouldn't see it that way. It took a lot of research, reading and meeting different people on the fringe of society before I realized what BDSM and Dominance and submission actually was. It took more to finally accepted that I was a submissive. That period in my life taught me that it's okay to be submissive if that's your choice.

 

Like all new and exciting information we try to incorporate into our lives I spent my late twenties and thirties in pendulum mode until I finally found a balance. I'm embarrassed to say I did fall into the doormat role for a while, until I learned that being submissive didn't mean being a doormat. Where was Cassandra's post when I needed it? Lol. I did meet abusive men pretending to be dominants and ran like the wind once I realized what they were. Thankfully, I eventually became comfortable with my submissive side and with that I also became more open about my lifestyle and what I liked about it. I learned that I offered my submission to someone in a mutual exchange of power and that my submission should be valued as a gift and respected by the Dominant I chose to share it with.

 

By the time I met Shane - my partner, lover, friend and Dom - I knew who I was. I had a firm grasp on exactly what being a submissive was and I wasn't letting go. I believed I had finally arrived and knew exactly how the D/s thing worked. For the first time in my life I entered into a D/s relationship knowing exactly what I wanted and negotiated terms of how Shane and I would live that benefited both of us and met both our needs. Of course reality is never as perfect as you think it will be, but for the large part of our time together and our relationship worked and was a loving one. When Shane experienced some minor health issues the D/s dynamic changed somewhat. We had always enjoyed an open relationship and played with other Doms and subs on a casual basis but eventually Shane decided that in order for me to have all my needs catered to we needed to find a Dom, outside of the relationship, to meet those needs on a regular basis. I still submitted to Shane, he remained my Dom in everyday life and in overseeing the play I engaged in and with who. I was beginning to learn that being a submissive, I could offer my submission to different people under different circumstances in varying ways. 

 

 

The last lesson I learned about submission while I was with Shane was a tough one. I learned submission is never easy and you may have to fight for it. When Shane was diagnosed with terminal cancer and told that, without treatment, he had eight weeks to live, my world turned upside down. We discussed everything from his funeral, to whether to accept treatment options offered by doctors, to what I should do once he was gone. After much discussion he made the final decision on what would happen. Shane declined all treatment options except pain relief and asked that when he was too ill to advocate for himself I would ensure doctors and family abided by his decision. Responding to him was the hardest 'Yes Sir' I've ever had to say. In the following eight weeks I didn't fit any preconceived behaviors of a sub that you might see, imagine or read about, but then I'm not a stereotype, I'm a real life sub. As such, I did what my Dom asked. I made sure his wishes were adhered to. I fought with doctors over medication, refused their requests to try and get Shane to change his mind about treatment, I stood up to his family when I needed to, I organized his funeral exactly as he wanted it, I made sure everything Shane wanted happened and I hated every damn minute of doing it.

 

Then why did you do it?

 

Because as a submissive I choose. I had chosen to give my submission to Shane and entered into an agreement with him many years before he became ill. As his submissive, I chose to honor our agreement until the end.

 

So that's my journey so far, I've learned a lot and I'm sure I'll learn more before I'm finished. Being a submissive is all about choice. Sometimes the choice to submit is easy, other times it's the hardest thing to do in your life...but it's still a choice.