Showing posts with label submission. Show all posts
Showing posts with label submission. Show all posts

Monday, September 2, 2013

Submission Has No Barriers

by Holly Roberts

Can a submissive be a marine, a surgeon, or a cop?

For years, I uniformed up for work. It’s part of entering the headspace needed for my job. Black undies and sports-bra, black spandex undershirt, dark blue finely creased pants. I stop and attach a badge to the outside of my uniform shirt and then put it on. Next is my hair, which goes into a tightly wrapped bun, plastered to the back of my head with several hairclips and a good dose of hairspray. Socks, clunky black, nicely-polished boots, underbelt, and then duty belt. I’d check my handcuff pouch, spare magazines, and holster my gun after assuring myself there’s one in the chamber.

Two years after becoming a police officer, our policy changed so we could wear outer Kevlar vests. Mine holds my Taser, flashlight, rubber gloves, two primary sets of handcuffs, and the most important equipment I carry—a pen and small notebook. I was fully in the zone and ready to hit the street as a beat cop.

The people who know me personally, also know I’m one tough bitch. I’ve gone up against four drunk men, alone with no back up, taser in my hand willing to pull my gun. Three backed off and one went to the hospital with a broken leg. Yep, I can back that story up, but my neighbor tells it better because he was on the ambulance crew.

But, there is one thing no one knew while I worked the streets…

I’m submissive in the bedroom.

For years, I denied what turned me on. Thankfully, my marriage survived, and my husband/Sir is thrilled to dominate me sexually. My job has helped me understand more about human sexual behavior than I ever dreamed possible.

After years of training, I’m now a detective specializing in sex crimes. Am I good at my job? Hell yes, and I’m not just bragging. I’ve been to advanced training all over the country. I’m certified in forensic evidence collection, forensic child interviewing, and trained extensively in sexual deviant behavior in regards to serial sex crimes.

I’m submissive in the bedroom.

I’ve been strong and held back tears when I informed a mother her twin teenage daughters died in a rollover accident. I helped dig up the body of a sixteen year old, who was brutally murdered, hacked up and buried. I left the scene, picked up the suspect, and calmly interviewed him for two hours before he told me in details what he did and why. I never cringed over what he said, just asked, “What happened next.” I told my suspect I would make sure someone picked up his dog and cared for it while he was in jail. I didn’t get that confession by hitting his head against a wall, letting my anger control me, or begging him to tell the truth. I calmly explained that he needed to free his conscience. I don’t believe in good cop, bad cop. I believe in good cop, good cop.

I’m submissive in the bedroom.

To place anyone in a box and say they should or shouldn’t sexually behave one way or another because of their job is ignorant. I could talk to every victim of my solved sex crimes and tell them about my bedroom activities and they would tell you they don’t care. I solve cases, I put the bad guys behind bars, and I’m not the only sex crimes detective who does. We are a steady, controlled, party loving, brother and sisterhood. We can drink any other type of detective under the table. If my peers asked, I would tell them about my proclivities in the bedroom and they wouldn’t blink an eye.

I’m happy, well adjusted, and have a better marriage than any cop I know, 34 years and counting.

My husband/Sir will be the first one to tell you that I’m still a badass bitch. I’m older, larger around the belly and hips, not in nearly the shape I used to be but I’m proud of myself and what I’ve accomplished.

And… I’m proud to be submissive in the bedroom.

Monday, December 10, 2012

The tricks and treats of changing titles

Today, my book Master Class released. I'm really excited about it, but I thought you guys might like to a little behind-the-scenes look at some of the things that go on before a book is published.

Loose Id put out their holiday submissions call in August (they have to do it that far in advance to have the books ready by December) and I decided to write another story for it. Last year I wrote Caught, which was successful beyond my wildest dreams, and I wanted to try my hand at BDSM again.

I sent in a proposal, and Loose Id contracted the book. *whoa* That was the first time I'd ever had a book accepted on proposal. Very cool, but also very pressure-filled. So then, in ten days I wrote the 45k first draft. It was crazy. This book was literally pulled out of me. That had never happened before either.

As I was writing, I knew one of the major themes of the book was how Ryan discovers BDSM and how much he enjoys it. The title "Awakening" came to me and I thought it was perfect. In late August I turned Awakening in at around 47k.

My editor emailed me a few weeks later and said, "We're all set, but we need to change the title." Uh-oh. I've had titles changed a few times - every author has, but what to change it to? I loved Awakening! But another Loose Id book about a year ago had a similar title, so I had to give it up.

I turned to my critique partners, and between Annabeth Albert and I, we came up with Master Class. Ryan is a college professor, so "class" seemed appropriate, and of course he's a new Dom. His sub doesn't call him Master, but Sir Class doesn't quite have the same ring. Plus, there's an actual thing in college called a Master Class, so that fit too. We suggested it to Loose Id, they loved it, and Master Class was born!

Here's the blurb and an excerpt from Master Class:

Ryan Tomasi feels like a failure. His marriage is officially over; the ink dried on the divorce decree. His friend Jack introduces him to BDSM and he agrees to attend a Halloween party at a club. A submissive approaches him, offering herself, and how can he refuse the kneeling beauty? They do a whirlwind scene and Ryan is addicted—both to dominance and to her.

Lisette Rinaldo is returning to the BDSM club for the first time since ending a bad relationship with her former master. She spots Ryan and is taken by the combination of self-assurance and nervousness the man displays as he takes in his surroundings. And after he gives her an incredible re-introduction to the lifestyle, she knows she needs to see the man again.

Ryan and Lisette explore each other and the lifestyle, but what started out as playtime quickly evolves into something more. The problem? Ryan isn’t ready to get serious again and Lisette doesn’t want to fall in love with a guy who can’t give all of himself to her. Both of them are going to have to break out of the bonds holding them back from happiness.

“What the fuck is an acceptable costume to wear to a Halloween party at a BDSM club?” Ryan Tomasi muttered aloud to himself. He did that a lot these days, since he lived alone after his recent divorce. “Sheesh.”
From his Internet research, he knew people who practiced BDSM—the term “practice” cracked him up every time—already dressed in some pretty outrageous outfits. Between the leather daddies and the pony play, as well as the other strange getups he’d seen online, Ryan wasn’t sure what to think. Full-body latex encasement? He shuddered.
But one thing was clear. He couldn’t keep fucking random women and feel good about it or himself. The whole mess had started after Ryan’s now ex-wife had blindsided him with divorce papers about a year ago, saying she didn’t love him anymore. The fact he’d loved her and had wanted to work on the marriage apparently wasn’t good enough, and Ryan found himself living in a rented house with nothing but his recliner and a futon to sleep on. Over the past year, he’d done what he could to rebuild his life, and now it was time to take the next step.
Ryan needed to find someone for more than a one-night stand and, it seemed, someone who wanted to submit to him, since he’d found he really liked some of this BDSM stuff, especially the dominating side. He felt like a fool on the bar scene, and he really wasn’t a one-night-stand kind of guy, though that had been his MO lately. He’d never even known there was a whole formal “thing” like BDSM until his friend Jack, a fellow professor at the college where Ryan taught English literature, had asked one day, while Ryan was lamenting his pathetic sex life, if he’d ever engaged in any BDSM activities. Ryan had been taken aback, to say the least. He’d thought that kind of thing was limited to porn. Real people didn’t get kinky like that, did they? Hell, he’d gotten married at twenty-two and had been with his ex-wife for almost fifteen years. It appeared he didn’t know shit about sex—kinky sex scene in particular.
Ryan had been shocked when Jack offered to let Ryan see what his submissive, Callie, and Jack did in some of their “scenes” so that Ryan could get a feel for what domination was all about. Jack didn’t allow any actual intercourse or other sexual contact between him and Callie when they got together, which Ryan totally understood, so there was a little bit missing from what he wanted to experience after reading how great the sex could be.
But just watching the way Jack dealt with Callie, and then having the opportunity to try a bunch of things out himself during subsequent play sessions with the two of them, had given Ryan a light at the end of what had been a very dark tunnel since the ex had walked out on him. He believed he’d finally found what he was looking for; what he’d been missing his entire life. The high from a woman submitting to him was the most natural, yet most powerful thing he’d ever felt, and Callie wasn’t even his submissive. What would that feel like?
Shaking out of his reverie, Ryan decided reinforcements were in order and called Jack. “Hey, man.”
“What’s up?”
“Am I interrupting anything?” He was almost afraid to ask.
Jack laughed. “If you’re asking me if Callie is tied up somewhere waiting for me to fuck her six ways to Sunday, no, you’re not interrupting anything. That’s later.”
“TMI, dude, TMI. Anyway, I need help.”
“You need a lot more than help.”
“Yeah, yeah. Seriously, I need to know what a Dom should wear to this Halloween party.”
“Uh, clothes? Usually only the submissives are naked.”
“Are you going to help or not? You’re the one who said I should go to this.” Ryan knew Jack was just messing with him, but as this Halloween party was his “coming out” of sorts as a Dom, he didn’t want to make a fool of himself.
“All right. I’ll take pity on you. What types of costumes are you looking at? What will make you feel comfortable?”
Ryan snorted. “Not sure anything can do that. I’m nervous as hell.”
“Remember, a Dom needs to portray an air of confidence. If you don’t, no sub is going to trust you enough to play with you.”
“I know. And by the time I get there, I’m sure I’ll be a lot calmer. I’ve been pretty good when I’ve played with Callie, haven’t I?”
Ryan could practically see the smirk on Jack’s face.
“Yeah, but I was there too. She knows better than to disobey me and that I would keep the play safe. Goes back to that trust issue. Plus, you didn’t have any sexual contact or anything that might’ve freaked you out. Speaking of that, you got your medical test results, right?”
“Yeah. Sent them to the club the other day.”
“Good. They won’t let you in unless you can prove you’re clean. Now, back to the costume. How about something easy like a police officer or a soldier? Some take-charge type of thing would be fitting.”
“Oh, I like the idea of a soldier.” Soldiers were powerful, respected—everything Ryan thought a Dom should project. It was the perfect costume to convey the image he wanted during his first public play. Ryan quickly typed that into the search engine of the costume store. “Awesome. They have a pretty cool one.”
“See how simple it is, once you’re not freaking out? I know this is all new and a little scary for you, but remember, kinksters are people too.”
“Yeah, yeah. You guys are going to be there, right?”
“Of course. I wouldn’t let you go into the big, bad world of BDSM all by yourself. Also, I’m your sponsor, so you can’t get in without me anyway this first time.”
“Okay, cool. See you then. And thanks for talking me off the ledge.”
Jack hung up, and Ryan looked over the costume specs. It had a camouflage shirt and pants, along with a set of dog tags. He had black boots already for when he did stuff around the house. Though he wasn’t imposing by any means at five-nine and one-eighty, he wasn’t tiny either. Hopefully the costume would make him look like a bit of a badass. He flexed his bicep. Maybe allow him to show off the muscles he was just starting to develop with regular workouts at the gym over the past several months.
* * * *
On Halloween night Ryan dressed in his costume and drove to the club. Jack and Callie were waiting just inside the doors, and when Jack saw him approach, he spoke to the bouncer, who waved Ryan through without a word. Jack was clad as Zorro, and Callie’s dress, if you could call it that, was liberally scored with slashes. It looked more like a bunch of black bandages than anything else, and Ryan wondered how long Jack would allow her to remain clothed. If he knew Jack—and he felt he did after playing with him several times and spending hours talking to him about BDSM and a whole host of other topics—not long.
He wasn’t sure what was appropriate to say to Callie, so he forced his gaze away from her and greeted Jack, who grinned.
“You can tell her she looks hot. It’s not like you’ve never seen her naked.”
Ryan smiled, relaxing. He pivoted back to her. “You look hot, Callie.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“Shall we?”
Jack gestured toward the door at the end of the short hall, and Ryan could hear a bass beat pounding from the other side. He nodded, swallowing thickly. Ryan needn’t have worried, though. As soon as he stepped into the room and looked around, his nerves settled.
I’m home.
The people around him were engaged in all manner of things, but even a cursory glance at the various scenes playing out before him made him finally feel like he was normal. He wasn’t a freak for wanting sex and control like this, despite what his ex-wife had said when he’d suggested some pretty mild stuff to spice up their sex life.
“What do you think?” his friend shouted over the music.
“It’s fucking perfect.” Ryan couldn’t have kept that note of awe out of his voice even if he’d tried.
Jack laughed. “I figured you’d say that. I’ll give you a tour, but we need to do one thing first.”
“What’s that?”
“Lose the shirt. You’ll look way more Dom-ish without it.”
“Dom-ish?” Callie repeated with a chuckle.
“You behave before I decide to leash you,” Jack threatened. “Or maybe we can give Ryan here some more practice with that paddle you hate so much.”
She looked down. “Whatever would please you, Master.”
“Seeing your beautiful ass bright red and ready to be fucked would please me greatly, but we need to babysit Ryan for a bit longer before we can play.”
Ryan pulled off his shirt and stuffed it into his brand-new toy bag. Who would’ve thought a duffel bag he got at an academic conference would come in handy to hold the instruments of pain and pleasure he’d spent a small fortune on?
He followed Jack through the club as the other man pointed out the public play area, the theme rooms, and the staircase to the private rooms upstairs. Then they all went to the bar, which served no alcohol so as to keep the clubgoers sober for play, as Jack explained in answer to Ryan’s puzzled question. They procured soft drinks—drinks were included in the price of the membership—and found a comfy couch that was close enough to the public play area that Ryan had a good view of several scenes taking place. Jack and Ryan sat, and Callie settled on a cushion in front of her Dom.
“That girl,” Jack said, pointing to a submissive tied to a St. Andrew’s cross as a man whipped her from thighs to shoulders, “is a hard-core masochist. As you can see, she’s not wearing a collar, so she’s not owned, but stay away from her. Until you get more comfortable with impact play, all you’ll do is frustrate both of you.”
Ryan nodded, forcing himself not to wince as the man laid another welt on her ass.
“That one,” his friend continued with a jerk of his head at another submissive, “is a horrible topper-from-the-bottom. She’s definitely not a good fit for you as a beginner. I’m not really sure why any Dom would play with her. It would drive me batty to have a sub questioning my every order.”
Jack dismissed a few more for one reason or another as they sipped their beverages. There weren’t a ton of subs running around without collars, and Ryan was beginning to believe none of them would pass Jack’s muster.
“She’s a pretty one,” Jack remarked, and Ryan followed his gaze. He nearly swallowed his can of soda pop whole. Pretty didn’t begin to describe the woman. She was a few inches shorter than him, from what he could tell in his current position, and had enough meat on her bones to be curvy. If he was going to be tying a woman up and fucking the hell out of her, he wanted to be sure her ribs wouldn’t crack at the slightest provocation.
Her long brown hair was piled on top of her head, leaving the slim column of her neck exposed. Ryan loved to nibble on women’s necks, and if he had this one restrained, he’d happily spend hours torturing her in that spot. She was wearing what looked like a harem girl outfit, with a jeweled bra and flouncy, gauzy pants. From the looks of things, Ryan was pretty sure she was naked underneath them.
Jack had been speaking with Callie but straightened up. “Callie said her name is Lisette, and she’s an experienced submissive who hasn’t been to the club as far as Callie knows since her split with her Dom a while back. She’s not owned, as you can see from the fact she’s not collared. The lack of a collar doesn’t always mean a sub is not owned, but at open parties like this, all owned submissives must be collared. As you know,” he continued with a grin in Callie’s direction, “some of us can be possessive bastards, and it cuts down on potential problems.”
“Makes sense,” Ryan murmured. His friend’s eyes suddenly widened a little in anticipation, and Ryan turned in the direction of his gaze.
“Hey, do you mind if we go take advantage of that spanking bench? At these parties, equipment doesn’t stay empty long.”
“No, go ahead.”
Jack helped Callie up and landed a hard swat on her ass. “Go get it for us, pet. I’ll be right over.” He turned to Ryan. “Feel free to watch us or anyone else. We should be back within a half hour or so. Callie’s been naughty lately and needs a good dose of the belt.”
Winking, he walked away, and Ryan laughed. Before Jack had agreed to bring Ryan here for public play, he’d insisted on several private sessions at the house he and Callie shared, so Ryan knew Callie’s favorite implement was the belt. He doubted she would be too upset if Jack used it tonight.
A completely naked woman, save for a collar, came by and took their empty soda cans. Ryan gave her a small smile but kept his attention focused on the scenes unfolding around him. Jack was busy tying Callie to the spanking bench, and the masochistic woman was still being whipped—Ryan couldn’t hold back his wince this time at a particularly hard strike—and a male submissive was going to town on his Mistress’s pussy like he was mining for gold. Turning away from them, he saw a female submissive strapped to what Jack had called a bondage table with cane marks decorating her ass in perfectly spaced lines and her Dom’s dick in her mouth. He’d never tried caning, but it looked interesting, if a little scary. Hell, almost everything looked interesting right now.
Ryan continued to watch as Jack bared Callie’s ass and started out lightly flicking the belt across it. He’d explained to Ryan how important it was to warm the bottom up by bringing the blood to the surface to prevent bruising, and Ryan had spent long hours in the past couple of weeks practicing with a pillow and the strap he’d ordered along with the other stuff Jack had said he’d need to be able to play. The club had a nice selection of implements lined up on the walls of the public play area, but Jack had recommended he get used to his own so he didn’t make a mistake and hurt a submissive.
He was just about to rise and make his way back to the bar when he caught movement out of the corner of his eye. The submissive Callie had called Lisette knelt directly in front of him, a bottle of water laid on her upturned palms. Ryan raised an eyebrow.

Copyright 2012, Cassandra Carr

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Sunday, December 2, 2012

Inside the mind of a submissive man

When I asked for topics you guys wanted to see on this blog, one that came up was how a submissive man thinks/feels, etc. I thought that would be fascinating, and a friend offered to ask two of her friends who are submissive (at times -one is actually a switch) a bunch of questions. Here are the questions and the guys' answers. I want to thank both of them for their incredible candor and insight.

1. It seems like many people envision women being submissive and men being dominant. You're a male submissive. What do you think sets you apart from men who are dominant?

ANSWER: As a switch who bottoms/subs to women, I think what sets me apart from a male dominant is a willingness to accept that I don't have to be in control all the time. The times I can take control and work my will on someone are great, but that doesn't have to be all the time for me. I can give the drivers seat over and feel fine about it, in certain instances.

ANSWER: First off, I do not consider myself a "male submissive". Beyond my parents (and we have all submitted to 'them" at one time or another) I have never submitted to anyone but my one and only Mistress. I have long lived as the god of my own universe, captain of the ship of me, and as such have never sought out anyone to take over those duties and responsibilities. Yet, since the age of 8 or so, I've had sexually charged fantasies about being overwhelmed by bossy, arrogant, dominant women. 
I kept that side of myself hid for so many years, and finally had to experience it so I could keep growing as a person. I met the woman who became my Mistress my first night at a club, and we soon fell in love, and decided to form a life together. She is the only one I ever submit to, so that is an exception in my life, and remains so. I should add that my sub-ness is entirely connected to sex, and sexual energy for me. So I am very much a role player who ended up in a 24/7 D/S relationship cuz of love. 
Recently I have discovered I am a switch. A girl I know and am close to inspires this side of me, and for the first time I have been truly experimenting with being dominant, and am enjoying its reality in myself. Does this mean I am now a Dominant male? No, the fact that I do it with one person does not warrant such a broad all-encompassing term, the same way submitting to one person does not warrant calling myself "submissive". I can go to these places when the chemistry is right with the right people. 
As for a difference between myself and dominant males - my experience so far has shown me that many who identify as dominant often live with the frustration of feeling relatively impotent in other areas, disrespected, weak, having to eat other people's shit, etc. They turn to others who desire to be, or identify as submissive to help work thru these issues, and to feel a kind of power over another human being they rarely if ever can get anywhere else. So the distinguishing quality is not being dominant per se, but the NEED to feel, and be, dominant.
Many who identify as submissive, on the other hand (and this characterizes how I see myself, too) feel very much in control of their daily lives, exercise direction, responsibility, even authority, and therefore want to feel the voluptuous pleasure of laying that down, giving it to another (power exchange) and feeling it turned upon them. 
A supreme form of general confidence allows me to overcome any fear that might stand in the way of me doing this - giving power to another person. In this case, my Mistress. In a nutshell, submissives to me often seem more relaxed and confident in a general sense than many dominants, who are often concerned with questions of power and perception and having to live up to an ideal.

2. Are there differences you can see between male and female submissives?
ANSWER: Not many. Submission is a mindset, not something that I've seen be defined more by gender. Generally, I'd say the type of play the submissive can endure, but that's not true either, because I've seen some female bottoms take beatings that some male bottoms would safe word out of right damn quick.

ANSWER: Not really, aside from societal prejudices, i.e. the way they might be treated. I know some female submissives that prefer this dynamic in any and every relationship they have, whereas all males I know who identify with the S side want it only with particular women, and are fine with being switchy or dominant in other contexts. This is just my experience so far, tho.

3. What is your favorite part of being a male submissive?
ANSWER: Knowing that, when I'm in a submissive space, someone is taking care of me, and I am making her happy because of that. Whatever that entails.

ANSWER: The sex. More specifically, the power of the play and the sex, especially when in the context of a 24/7 dynamic (and no one, male or female / dominant or submissive, can be one thing All the time) I could also say the joy of being with and serving a wonderful woman I love and admire, but I would feel that way even without the D/S. I like doing things for the ones I love, and that's not always a "submissive" thing, rather a Love and "I'm good at this particular thing" thang.

4. Do you ever encounter any negativity from people in the lifestyle because you're submissive? What about if someone who's not in the lifestyle finds out?
ANSWER: Not really, mainly because I try to avoid people who make instant judgments about a person based on their role in the lifestyle. It would be like hanging around someone who thought all Doms are arrogant assholes, or someone who thought all switches were slutty tourists. As for outside the scene, I am very private with my lifestyle. Almost no one outside the scene knows what I do or how I do it, in that regard. If someone were to find out, I think they would be more focused on WHAT I was doing (BDSM) rather than HOW I was doing it.

ANSWER: I never do, probably because I carry myself well, I'm physically big and seem imposing to some, and I'm very comfortable in myself. It just never seems to be a problem. Plus most people know and respect my Mistress as well, so it has always worked out smoothly social-ness wise. And plenty of others I know outside of the lifestyle have found out, and they have all expressed surprise that I would be submissive in this. I apparently come across quite the opposite. And that's no surprise per answer #1.

5. What kind of dominant woman turns you on the most? What turns you off?
ANSWER: Confidence, and the knowledge they can handle me when I bottom. I get very...primal when I bottom hard, and I don't bottom unless I'm going to go hard. Those are the main turn-ons for me. Turn-off...arrogance. Someone who thinks their shit doesn't stink is going to put me off right away.

ANSWER: My favorite kind of dominant woman is usually large breasted, even full figured, and can even have all the symbols of "bad girl-ness", i.e. tats and piercings, smokes, biker chick, possibly dangerous, hint of ex-con, proud to be physically hot white trash yet also cunning and ruthless. Let's go beyond the cosmetics and fantasy. My favorite kind of dominant woman is in control of her evil. How? She also has a big heart and a brain. 
She is also comfortable in her own skin and sexuality, and has found her sadism and dominance as a natural energy within her. The kind I don't like? Those that (like bad male dominants, too!) posture too much, all bombast and ego to cover up the fact that they haven't actually found it within themselves yet, and are trying too hard to SEEM dominant and commanding. With them I only see the inexperience, inauthenticity, the act. Give em time maybe they will find it later. Maybe not.

Truly, truly interesting stuff, don't you think? Again, I want to thank both of these men for taking the time to give detailed, insightful answers to my inquiries. I'd love to hear what you think of their answers and any experiences you've had, either as a male submissive, or dealing with a male submissive.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

No Means No.

I was in a BDSM forum the other day a sub asked a question that should have surprised me, sadly it didn't. Does a Dom need to ask a subs permission to play with them? The question rang true for me after a recent incident I experienced where a Dom assumed I would be his play partner because I'm now a single submissive. The conversation I was engaged in ended like this.
Him: "As a submissive you should do what I, as the Dom, tells you to do."
Me:   "You are not my Dom, therefore I don't have to do anything you tell me." 
The fact is there are idiots and morons in all lifestyles. It doesn't matter if you live and socialise in the vanilla world, the BDSM lifestyle, the gay community, wherever. It's courtesy to ask someones permission to do anything with them, whether it's going out on a date or getting involved in BDSM play. Simply because someone is submissive, or single doesn't give a Dom/me power over them or the right to assume they are free to play with. Wearing the title of Dom/me doesn't give a person the right to demand anything of a submissive they aren't in a relationship with or have a specific agreement with.
I worry about new people entering the BDSM lifestyle. As an experienced sub, I'm quite capable of telling a Dom to piss off and leave me alone if they overstep the boundaries of decency. And, if standing up for myself gives them the impression I'm not a submissive then so be it, it's not something that bothers me. However, someone entering the lifestyle may not have the strength or belief that they can or should be able to say no.
So, for those new to the BDSM community I just thought I'd give you a few tips.
  • You can say No to a Dom/me.
  • If you tell someone 'no I don't want to play with you' then they should respect that decision. They shouldn't keep pestering you in the hope or belief that they can change your mind.
  • Saying no to a Dom/me doesn't mean you are not submissive, it just means you know your own mind and you know who you feel safe to play with.
  • Other members of the community will usually help you if you are being harassed by someone. If you're at a party/club/munch then find the organisers or the dungeon master and ask for help. If it's online then block the person and let other people on the site and the site owners know that you've been harassed and who by.
As in any community, common courtesy, listening to and respecting boundaries laid down by individuals is part of the social requirements in the BDSM lifestyle. Also, as in any community, there are people who don't respect others and who will overstep the social boundary. Mercifully, as I've said before, most members of the kink community will assist someone if they are being hassled, which makes me feel safer as a single person in a BDSM social setting. What we all need to remember is that in any community, including the BDSM one...No always means No.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

My Journey into Submission

As usual we've had some great posts here recently. If you haven't read either of Tymber's or Cassandra's recent blog then I suggest you do so, they're great. Both of them made me think and my blog today stems from what's been said. For most of us involved in the lifestyle, BDSM is an ongoing journey and today I thought I'd share a little bit about the road I've travelled.
I've been on my journey for nearly half a century. *shudder* I just turned forty-seven; yep the terrifying fifty is on its way. No shades of grey jokes please, I couldn't I assume some of you are wondering why I class my childhood years as part of my journey. I do it firstly, because we are all who we are because of the whole experience of our lives not just the adult portion. My childhood also played a part in my concept of Dominance and submission, although it was flawed in many ways.
Looking back I recognize the power exchange in the family for what it was…a D/s one. My family was the traditional, father, mother and two kids. My parents stayed together until death, never divorced, my father was the head of the house, and my mother submitted to his authority. Yes she could participate in the discussion about what to do or disagree with his decisions but ultimately his word was law. That sounds very D/s to me I hear you say. Well in many ways it was but mum's submission stemmed from her religious beliefs of 'wives obeying their husband', not living a BDSM lifestyle. The flawed part of the household came with my father's dominance. He was not the Dom we read about in romance novels. He was sadistic, cruel and abusive to his children behind closed doors and the perfect loving father when in public. In my teenage years I rebelled, not only to my father's authority, but to all authority. I decided I would not be controlled by anyone, would not do as I was told and damn anyone who tried to make me behave. I like to think of my teenage years as practicing to be the perfect brat. Thinking back, the lesson I learned about submission from childhood was sometimes rebelling is what you have to do in order to find yourself.
Once I reached my early twenties I discovered something interesting about myself. I still had the get fucked attitude when it came to being told what to do in most areas, but I found that when it came to sex and men I wanted a take charge kind of guy in the bedroom. I lost all urge to say no way and instead turned into a submissive creature that wanted only to please and obey. I loved being tied up, unable to resist (not that I wanted to) and the first time someone bent me over their knee and spanked my cheeky ass I thought I'd gone to heaven. For a while I lead a double life. I'm sure my friends believed I never had sex, never dated, and didn't want a relationship because I kept my sex life and my 'real' life totally seperate. I worked as an advocate for women and children that were victims of abuse, yet in my personal live I was engaging in all sorts of kinky activities in secret and choosing to be dominated. Not abused, there's a clear distinction, but I knew that at the time friends and family wouldn't see it that way. It took a lot of research, reading and meeting different people on the fringe of society before I realized what BDSM and Dominance and submission actually was. It took more to finally accepted that I was a submissive. That period in my life taught me that it's okay to be submissive if that's your choice.
Like all new and exciting information we try to incorporate into our lives I spent my late twenties and thirties in pendulum mode until I finally found a balance. I'm embarrassed to say I did fall into the doormat role for a while, until I learned that being submissive didn't mean being a doormat. Where was Cassandra's post when I needed it? Lol. I did meet abusive men pretending to be dominants and ran like the wind once I realized what they were. Thankfully, I eventually became comfortable with my submissive side and with that I also became more open about my lifestyle and what I liked about it. I learned that I offered my submission to someone in a mutual exchange of power and that my submission should be valued as a gift and respected by the Dominant I chose to share it with.
By the time I met Shane - my partner, lover, friend and Dom - I knew who I was. I had a firm grasp on exactly what being a submissive was and I wasn't letting go. I believed I had finally arrived and knew exactly how the D/s thing worked. For the first time in my life I entered into a D/s relationship knowing exactly what I wanted and negotiated terms of how Shane and I would live that benefited both of us and met both our needs. Of course reality is never as perfect as you think it will be, but for the large part of our time together and our relationship worked and was a loving one. When Shane experienced some minor health issues the D/s dynamic changed somewhat. We had always enjoyed an open relationship and played with other Doms and subs on a casual basis but eventually Shane decided that in order for me to have all my needs catered to we needed to find a Dom, outside of the relationship, to meet those needs on a regular basis. I still submitted to Shane, he remained my Dom in everyday life and in overseeing the play I engaged in and with who. I was beginning to learn that being a submissive, I could offer my submission to different people under different circumstances in varying ways. 
The last lesson I learned about submission while I was with Shane was a tough one. I learned submission is never easy and you may have to fight for it. When Shane was diagnosed with terminal cancer and told that, without treatment, he had eight weeks to live, my world turned upside down. We discussed everything from his funeral, to whether to accept treatment options offered by doctors, to what I should do once he was gone. After much discussion he made the final decision on what would happen. Shane declined all treatment options except pain relief and asked that when he was too ill to advocate for himself I would ensure doctors and family abided by his decision. Responding to him was the hardest 'Yes Sir' I've ever had to say. In the following eight weeks I didn't fit any preconceived behaviors of a sub that you might see, imagine or read about, but then I'm not a stereotype, I'm a real life sub. As such, I did what my Dom asked. I made sure his wishes were adhered to. I fought with doctors over medication, refused their requests to try and get Shane to change his mind about treatment, I stood up to his family when I needed to, I organized his funeral exactly as he wanted it, I made sure everything Shane wanted happened and I hated every damn minute of doing it.
Then why did you do it?
Because as a submissive I choose. I had chosen to give my submission to Shane and entered into an agreement with him many years before he became ill. As his submissive, I chose to honor our agreement until the end.
So that's my journey so far, I've learned a lot and I'm sure I'll learn more before I'm finished. Being a submissive is all about choice. Sometimes the choice to submit is easy, other times it's the hardest thing to do in your life...but it's still a choice.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Submissives are not doormats

Recently I read a review for a BDSM book that mentioned she didn't like how the submissive was a doormat. I've read that book, and that submissive is not a doormat. She's a submissive. Big difference, but one this reader could not discern. So, being a BDSM author myself, I started thinking about why this reader might have classified this submissive as a doormat.

There are several potential reasons:

1. The BDSM was intense and somewhat edgy.
2. Her Master had rules for her and if she didn't follow them, she was punished.
All rights reserved by msubelli - Creative Commons
3. The submissive was available to her Master sexually at all times.
4. The submissive had a good, high-paying job outside the home, but when at home her personal role reversed.
5. Her Master pushed her, sometimes out of her comfort zone, but she submitted the best she could.

I'm sure I could come up with other reasons, but hopefully you get the idea.

Now let's answer each point:

1. That's how the submissive wanted it. So she submitted in many areas, not just the bedroom.
2. The submissive knew she had organization and self-control issues so she asked for this.
3. Being available to her Master was part of their contract. Her libido had been low for a while before the book started and she thought it might help her sex life to make this a rule.
4. Again, she wanted it that way. She wanted to give up control to reduce stress.
5. Part of a Master's job is to help their submissive explore. Depending on the contract/communication etc this could mean pushing soft limits, pushing hard limits, requiring that the sub try everything once if the Master thinks she'll enjoy it, etc.

Submissives are not doormats. The power in a D/s relationship ultimately resides with the submissive. They are GIVING the Dominant the power. They can and sometimes do take that power away. And it takes an incredibly strong person to be able and willing to give up that power.

So the next time you read a BDSM book, remember, the submissive is doing it because they want to. Safe, sane, and consensual, people!

-- Cassandra
To learn more about me or my books, visit my website at

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Being a Sub Doesn’t Have To Be a Pain In The Butt

Post by Jan Graham

I often have discussions with friends and other people I meet about BDSM. It just seems to be a topic that comes up around me, especially now with some many people knowing about Fifty Shades. There are two statements that reoccur in many of the conversations. ‘I could never be a sub because I’m not into pain.’ and ‘I could never let a man hit me.’  

 Admittedly a lot of erotic romance does highlight painful pleasure and activities such as spanking. I include those in my novels as well, but the fact remains there are a lot of lifestyle practices that don’t include pain or impact play. For the sake of this post I’m sticking to D/s relationships as SM definitely falls into the pain category. In simple terms, Dominance and submission is about a consensual power exchange. How the exchange manifests is up to the individuals involved. Just like some subs don’t like painful activities, not all Doms like inflicting pain. Punishment doesn’t have to be corporal is D/s relationships and neither do sexual activities.

Acts that some people consider a little kinky are in fact based in D/s practices. Being bound, whether it is with a scarf or fluffy handcuffs and tied to a bed or having your body tied with rope in a shibari technique is an act of bondage.  It’s also an act of submission, giving control of your body and what happens next to a dominant partner. And what happens next doesn’t have to include, as some of my friends refer to it, being hit.

Sensation play with the use of feather ticklers, a pinwheel run lightly over sensitive areas of the body, the use of hot and cold substances like wax or ice cubes, being blindfolded and fed by your Dom all require trust and are forms of submission. If anything, these activities are far from painful and can be quite erotic. A Dom and sub engaging in orgasm control (i.e. a sub being denied orgasm, told when to orgasm or being made to orgasm repeatedly) is a popular practice in a lot of D/s relationships and can be achieved without inflicting pain.

 When it comes to discipline most people’s minds immediately go to spanking or other acts of corporal punishment. I like to explain the use of non corporal discipline in a D/s relationship as being similar to how a parent might punish a child without smacking them. The possibilities are endless. A Dom may command his sub to sit in the corner or on a punishment stool. Deny them something they particularly enjoy or require them to do something they don’t enjoy.
BDSM doesn’t have to be a pain in the butt and that’s something I like about Dominance and submission, the flexibility of it. There is something for almost everyone. It’s a lifestyle that’s as individual as all of us, whether you’re into pain or not.    
For those of you who’d like a titillating example of this form of D/s relationship some are included in my novel, Playing Jax. The books Dom, Steve takes great delight in resisting spanking Rhia, his prospective sub. Instead he engages in erotic acts of dominance to introduce her into the BDSM lifestyle before moving onto the more traditional spanking/impact activities. I hope you enjoy the excerpt below.

Excerpt from Playing Jax by Jan Graham.

Steve opened the wooden box and pulled out a razor, filling her with a sense of trepidation. She’d expected a disposable razor like she’d bought to use on her legs and underarms. The old- fashioned cutthroat razor looked like new. The steel caught the light as he unfolded it from the handle to reveal the blade.

“I inherited it from my grandfather.” Rhia gulped nervously, her eyes fixed on the shiny blade. “I will never do anything to endanger you, Rhia. Do you believe me when I say that?” He stroked her curls and tenderly ran his fingers along either side of her pussy lips.

Rhia’s heart pounded, a fragment of fear edging at her mind. She started into his eyes and glanced toward the blade and back again. “I believe you and I trust you. I was just expecting something plastic.”

He chuckled as he bent forward. He kissed her curls lovingly and whispered see you again soon against her mound. She closed her eyes as the razor moved between her legs. He trimmed away the excess hair, the blade never coming near her skin. She opened her eyes when warm water trickled over her sex as he moistened the remaining hair. The water soothed her skin, even as the heat of arousal began to build inside her. He applied the soapy lather to her skin using an old-fashioned shaving brush. Rhia moaned as his fingers moved gently over the area. The impersonal brush discarded, he massaged along the crest of her sex, fingers sliding along either side of her lips.

“You are so beautiful, baby, and so responsive, even to the gentlest of my touches. My cock is pounding in my jeans as I do this for you. It’s so damn hard.”

She watched him wipe his fingers clean of soap and once again pick up the razor. The skin pulled taught beneath his fingers and a shiver thrilled her spine as he removed the first of the hair. He shaved her effortlessly, like he’d done it a million times before.

She began to ache for him, moisture building between her lips. Her nipples peaked beneath her bra, and her breath became shallow as unfamiliar sensations flowed over her. She responded to everything he was doing, the water warming her skin, the creaminess of the soap against her flesh, the tickle of the brush, and then the coolness of the blade as it stroked over her.

“Oh my god, this is so…so…I don’t know what it is. It’s—”

“Erotic,” the word came softly from his lips.

“Erotic,” Rhia breathed the word and the blade of the razor once again slid over her taught skin. She heard the light scraping sound and wanted to sigh. “I don’t understand what’s happening. All you’re doing is shaving me.”

“I’m doing more than that, sweetness.” He kissed her inner thigh. She couldn’t hold back the groan that indicated her overwhelming arousal. “I am tending to your needs. I’m touching your sex. When you look down at me you see me watching the most intimate part of you. Your body’s reacting to the combined memory of what we’ve shared together, my possession of this part of you. The way I’ve stroked you with my fingers, my tongue, and my cock and the pleasure you experience from those acts.”

Rhia felt like she might come just hearing his words. His deep, husky voice sounded so sensual and when he gazed up from between her thighs, his eyes, filled with heated lust, sparkled the deepest shade of blue sapphire. Her pussy clenched at the sight of him. Warm water on the soft washcloth eased away the residual lather that tainted her skin. He cupped her now-naked mound, stroked across her, his long fingers easing between her lips.  

Also available from Amazon and B&N.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Friends to Lovers - a D/s relationship with friendship at its heart

Some definitions of Dominance/ submission are here

At its core : "Dominance and submission (also called D&s, Ds, and D/s) is a set of behaviors, customs and rituals involving the giving by one individual to another individual of control over them in an erotic episode or as a lifestyle."

But essentially this is about two people’s own interpretation. Theirs is a simple and beautiful relationship.

This is another true story revolving around how BDSM has helped a marriage. B will tell the story.

So here we go…

Here’s some background about us:

J & I met over 18 years ago, in the end of 1993, the beginning of our junior year of high school. We became best friends right away and He fell in love with me, though I only wanted to be friends. At one point, we tried what I called “friends with a twist” but I soon ended it because I didn’t want to lose His friendship, which I ended up doing anyways. We were barely speaking by graduation (95), saw each other on and off until the last time in (02/97). Fast forward to 10/04, my ex had walked out almost 2 years prior and I was lonely and looking for friends only. I decided to look up J, and found a man who had been in love with me all that time. We’ve been together ever since. Our sex life has never been completely vanilla, from day two (literally) we’ve been open and very sexual with each other. We’ve always had a very very active life, and it even gets more so, even after 7+ years.

I know your marriage has only recently changed to become a D/s relationship, can you tell us what made you begin to consider this? I'm also curious as to whether either of you can recall any feelings or thoughts before this that leaned toward Dominance or submissiveness?

I was the one to bring up D/s to my Husband. I had been into reading some erotica and stumbled upon an author that I really enjoyed the series I was reading (not D/s) so I decided to read all her books and started to read about D/s. the thought of BDSM had always been something that was taboo to me, too off, too much, too weird. But when I learned about D/s on its own, I was intrigued. I especially liked the parts where the sub would sit at her master’s feet, or have her eyes downcast and be kneeling in other parts. After reading for a while, I brought it up to J, about how certain things were turning me on. He was surprised that I liked what I was reading, and asked me more about it. I explained to Him what it meant for a Dominant to take care of His sub, how and why that appealed to me, what I liked about some things that were considered the norm in a D/s relationship.

Looking back now, I can see that in a relationship, I have always preferred to be submissive. I have always tried to put my man first. An example I like to use a lot is that we would play the game “what do you want tonight for dinner? I don’t care, what do you want? Whatever you want. I HATED that, I always have. If I have an opinion, I would state it, otherwise, I truly in my heart wanted to do only what my Husband wanted to do. I wanted to put His needs, His wants, His desires in front of my own. That makes me happiest. I always enjoyed doing little things to make Him happy.

How and why did you begin changing the structure of your marriage. I'd love to know about communication and discussions you may have had because that seems to be a key point mentioned in other marriages like this.

If I remember correctly, our change was slow and subtle at first. At first, neither of us really understood much, I just knew there were things that appealed to me. I didn’t know how to try anything out without saying “do this, try this”. I somehow knew that that was still being in control, which I didn’t want. What I remember once, in the beginning, is when we sat down to watch TV one night, instead of sitting in my usual spot, I brought over a pillow and blanket and sat at His feet. As we sat there and watched some mindless show, He stroked my hair as I laid my head on His leg, and it was the most content I had felt in a long time.

Talking, as we always do, we decided that we wanted to try some D/s in the bedroom only. I trust Him with my whole being and I knew He’d never do anything to hurt me. After assuring Him that I wanted Him to take control of our sex life, He did one day and our sex life exploded. He took over all control sexually. He said when/where/how we would have sex. I wasn’t to ever say no. He did, however, still want me to initiate, but at the time I just enjoyed His lead.

We enjoyed 2 months of sexual D/s with both of us starting to read more about the lifestyle and learning more about it, both together and separately. With each new thing we learned about, we talked about whether we wanted to try it or not. with new things, when we would try it, we would talk about it a few days later after we both were able to reflect on it, and we’d say if it worked or if it didn’t, if it was something we wanted to keep or not. We are completely open with each other and share absolutely everything, so it is easy for us to speak of any and everything. It’s easy for either of us to say “hey, let’s try this” or “what do you think about this” and then we will discuss it, try it and see if we want to keep with it or not.

Soon after, I started wanting more and more. I found myself wanting to let go of all thing and let Him take control. I had taken care of things for so long, since my ex had left, and I was tired of carrying around all the worries and all the stress. I just wanted to let go and not stress anymore. In July, He decided to take that control, and we entered a 24/7 D/s Lifestyle.

Can you see yourselves continuing your marriage in the same way in the future?

Oh yes. I think this is a lifestyle change for us. It’s who we are now, not what we do. We’ve always had a slight element of it, looking back, in our relationship. It’s natural and comfortable to us. Our D/s seems to be a little bit different of a dynamic than what we see others in, even other 24/7 couples. I’m unsure if this is because we knew each other and were married, then grew into our kink together, or if it’s just because we’re weird.

For us, our D/s relationship means He’s in charge. He makes all decisions, in and out of the bedroom. But I am always able to speak my mind. If He wants sex, but I’m not feeling well, I can tell Him. He makes the decision on what we will do or not do, but more often than not, He’ll respect that I’m not up to par and He’ll wait. We are equals in every way. I have chosen to give up my control in all things, but He still wants me to be me. He does not micromanage me. I am able to do what I want, when I want, with the exception of orgasms (He controls those at all times). There are times that He will give me something specific to do, and I like those times, as it’s a little extra way of Him exerting His dominance. I only have 3 rules, trust Him, obey Him, and cannot cum without His permission. He takes care of the big things, He works to pay the bills, He carries the big stress and worries. I do the little things to take care of Him. I have dinner ready or near ready when He comes in. I have the place cleaned. I set out His clothes, and will start His shower. I anticipate His needs and try to do or get things before He asks for them. I’m here for Him to take sexually, whenever He wants. I’m His.

Is there any advice you'd give other couples?

The advice I would give other couples is to be completely open in EVERYTHING with your partner. I’m always saddened when I see people posting places that they are unable, in whatever way, be it shyness or fear or whatever, to share their fantasies and desires with their partner. I don’t understand it, though I previously was in that kind of relationship myself. Now that I’ve been with my Husband, I don’t know how I ever managed like that. He and I share everything. If it’s a random thought in my head, I share it. We talk, pretty much nonstop. We are always talking, sharing, just being together and being close. There’s a community that I go to, and there are people there saying that they are bored with sex after 2 years, or even just a few months. It is a shame to me. We are 7 years in and still going strong. We are hornier now than ever for each other. Sex is always wonderful, fresh and new, each time.

Just to put their story in perspective here is an extra message B sent me after I read her story because she was worried about whether she'd written enough.

I kept trying and trying to make it better. I just don't feel like I do us justice, because we are just so amazing. lol. Our sex life and love life are just really out of a fairy tale. Our "real" life hasn't been kind and it's amazing the things we've survived and we thrive through. It’s hard to really get the pureness of what we share. It’s pretty awesome. :)

A link to a good information site about BDSM

I'm an author who is (obviously) fascinated by BDSM. My website:

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Creativity Dom Style

One of the things I find fascinating in BDSM is the creativity. Not only does it spice things up when it comes to play, but it also makes punishments/correction more personal. I had a Dom tell me once that spankings are fine for general infractions, but specific crimes are better corrected with specific punishments. It was something that has stuck with me and that I use in my writing.

A submissive friend of mine once told me that she used to have a problem with mouthing off to her Dom. If you know anything about most Doms, that is something most don't take kindly too and usually don't allow to continue for long. Her Dom wasn't any different. Instead of spanking her or giving her some other generic form of punishment, he drove his point home by having her hold a live goldfish in her mouth. She recalled to me how it felt flopping around inside her mouth. The correction was unique, it had relevance to the situation, and it made the point of the importance of controlling her words and tone.

I love using this creativity in my writing. In Slave, Brianna was caught not paying attention, so Stephan took her books away from her. It amazes me how many of my readers who are not in the lifestyle react to this correction. Most were outraged that he would take her book away from her, her most prized possession at the time. But I say to them, that's the point. In order for correction or punishment to be effective, it has to be something that is not pleasant for the submissive. What is taken away or what is done has to be tailored to the individual and the situation because every person is different and no one reacts the same.

How to come up with creative corrections/punishments can be a challenge in and of itself and it takes practice and experience no matter if you are an author writing it or a Dom/me living it. As a writer, however, you have a little more time to think things through as you don't have a naughty sub sitting there waiting for your sentence.

Where to start?

First, you need to look at the overall situation. What is the state of the character's relationship? Have they been together for a while? Has trust been built or is everything still new and tentative?

Once that is established, look at the crime. Was it intentional or a misunderstanding? If a submissive intentionally and with all knowledge breaks a rule, they must be dealt with more harshly than one that has accidentally taken a miss step .

The best punishments are the ones that leave a lasting impression of the lesson. It doesn't matter if it is something as simple as a writing assignment or a cold shower; the point is that it teaches, it corrects, and it deters.

If you are in the lifestyle, have you either given or been given any creative punishments? And authors, what are some of the more creative corrections/punishments you've written?

(Sherri Hayes is the author of one BDSM novel, Slave (Finding Anna Book 1). More information can be found on her blog