What's a kink?

If you're a regular reader of this blog, you probably think you know what a kink is. But do you really? How about a fetish, for that matter? Is there a difference?

According to the website BDSM Cafe (http://bdsmcafe.com/resource/glossary/gloss-x.html) there is a difference. But what is it?

From the KinkForAll website:

The words "kink" or "kinky" are ambiguous, lending themselves to an inclusive and open environment. They also specifically refer to non-mainstream, unconventional or unusual sexuality. Since some people reflexively associate "kink" with specific ideas (but not necessarily the same ideas), here are various definitions of the word from several sources: 

• The Princeton online dictionary defines "kink" as "unusual sexual tastes."

• The Random House Dictionary on Dictionary.com defines "kink" as "unconventional sexual preferences or behavior[…]." 

• Wikipedia defines "kink" as "a term used to refer to a playful usage of sexual concepts[…]."

• Some of the many definitions of "kink" on UrbanDictionary.com:

• "sexual priority known as being very subjective, and suceptible to be misunderstood or stereotyped by others" [sic.]

• "Doing in bed what others only think about." 

• "wierd/cool, usually in respect to sex"

• "something which is abnormal but good in a sexual way" 

So where does that leave us? With a lot of questions, that's where! Let's see if we can answer some:

1. Am I kinky?

Probably, yes. Perhaps not to the extent of practitioners of the BDSM lifestyle, but if you enjoy being blindfolded in bed, having your hair pulled, or getting an occasional smack on the ass during sex, you're at least a little bit kinky.

2. Should I tell potential bed partners I'm kinky?

Entirely up to you. I'd say if your level of kink leans more toward the stuff in the first answer, probably not necessary. But if you plan to show up for sex in a Chewbacca costume, yeah, that's something your potential lover might want to be aware of.

3. How do I get someone to become kinky?

Oh, boy. The million dollar question. Personally, I don't think you can force someone to be kinky or do kinky things. It seems like that would create tension in a relationship. Some people just aren't cut out for it, no matter how mild you think what you're asking them to do is. On the other hand, if you start small and work your way up, paying attention to their reactions to things you ask for or do to them, I believe there are people who will open their minds to more adventuresome activities.

4. Is what I like kink or a fetish?

According to BDSM cafe, a fetish is a fixation, usually sexual, on an activity or object. I think the important word here is fixation. Kinksters like to do some things vanilla people don't, but people with fetishes can become obsessed by them.


Are things less ambiguous now? Did you learn anything? ;-)

Take a look at the five-star review my latest BDSM book, Unexpected Top, just got from Long and Short Reivews: http://www.longandshortreviews.com/book-reviews/unexpected-top-by-cassandra-carr/

For more about me or my books, visit my website at http://www.booksbycassandracarr.com.

"Real" men don't cause pain? Think again.

I saw a posting on a Facebook page for some asshat wannabe Dom who, among other things, claims that "real men" don't hurt women.

Huh?

I'm sure that would come as a HUGE shock to all the pain sluts out there. And the sadists.

Yes, the guy did include a caveat about limits, but his overall message was that it shouldn't be about the pain.

Odd, because I have friends for whom it IS all about the pain. They wouldn't bottom if they weren't getting pain. They will bottom to friends with whom they don't have a romantic relationship with BECAUSE they want the pain their sadistic toppy friend can dish out.

Look, just because a guy throws up a Facebook page and claims to be a Dominant doesn't make it true.

No, a "real" Dom does NOT violate a hard limit or a safeword. Absolutely they don't.

But cause pain? Um, yeah. There are countless sadists out there who are involved in BDSM BECAUSE they enjoy inflicting pain.

Here's how you can tell a "real" Dominant in the lifestyle from an asshat poser -- the REAL Dominant, if they have any experience under their belt, will be honest that there are some kinks that are not their kinks, but are still valid kinks.

Being into BDSM for the pain IS a valid kink. Might not be your kink, but it doesn't make it any less valid.

YKINMK - Your Kink Is Not My Kink.

THIS is why I have a HUGE problem with the "won twue way" fucktards who preach to people who have NO clue what BDSM is, and they get these people fawning all over them because it's nothing more than an ego stroke for the Facebook "dominant" handing out bullshit they think their audience wants to hear.

"Real" BDSM is frequently NOT pretty. People LOVE to show off their bruises and marks. There are many submissives (myself included) who LOVE having bruises and marks to show after a session. In fact, I tend to get pissed off at Sir if He doesn't leave at least a few marks on me. If I'm taking the pain (and I'm not a pain slut) then dammit, I want something to remember it by. LOL

So when you see someone spouting information and not acknowledging that there ARE other ways of practicing BDSM, that's a HUGE red flag the person is a poser, fucktard, douche canoe, or other flavor of someone to stay FAR away from.

To radical feminists who hate BDSM: Fuck. You.

On one of the email lists I'm on, someone posted a blog entry sent to them. The short version is the blog was written by a radical feminist who claims that anyone who practices BDSM is a misogynistic asshole (the male Dominant) or a delusional, weak, misled woman (the submissive).

Really? REALLY? This is 2013. Do we REALLY have to keep having these kinds of discussions?

The basic tenets of BDSM are trust and communication. Are there abusive assholes? Sure there are, just like there are in vanilla land. And the abusive assholes can be of either gender.

The radical feminists who refuse to see that BDSM is a legitimate choice in both relationship dynamics as well as sexual practices are no better than the radical right-wing anti-gay evangelicals, or the radical extremists of any religion. The radical feminists who put down the choice to participate in BDSM are small-minded, ignorant pinheads who refuse to educate themselves or talk to people one-on-one who participate in BDSM. They are the intellectual equivalent of the Westboro Baptist Church protesters.

Look, my choice might not be your choice, but as a BDSM switch I can unequivocally state that I am NOT abused, nor am I an abuser. As a slave and submissive, all I have to do is safeword and play immediately stops. As a top, if my submissive safewords, I immediately stop.

Tell me how many "abusers" are that considerate?

Radical feminists who abhor BDSM no doubt would be happy if we all just went to doing cowgirl position, coming before our men, and then rolling over to fall asleep without getting them off.

*snooorrreeeee*

Seriously? Do they think the end result of feminist activism is NOT having the choice to do what we want to do? Really?

You know what? So BDSM isn't your thing. That's cool, I get that. No problem.

My problem comes when some radical feminist who's never met me lays out a blanket statement saying I'm a misguided, abused fool when they don't know shit about me or my lifestyle.

I am a switch. I am a submissive. I am a collared slave. (And yes, there are "one twue wayers" out there whose heads just exploded, and to them I also say, "Fuck. You.")

You don't have to like what I do anymore than I have to like what you do. But here's a key difference--I offer you respect despite not agreeing with your choices.

Too bad you can't offer back the same. And that means you've wasted your opportunities to wallow in the mire of idiocy, level: Westboro Baptist.

Your thoughts?

--

Tymber Dalton is a screaming banshee moderately outspoken real-life participant in the BDSM lifestyle. Her website is http://tymberdalton.com and her sequel to The Reluctant Dom, The Denim Dom, will be released March 1, 2013, from Siren-BookStrand.

Yes, my books are educational. What of it?

Recently and in the past reviewers have remarked about how some of my BDSM books seem sort of educational. It's not that the scenes aren't hot, but they feel like I over-explain things a little. And you know what? That's just fine with me.

Why?

Because there's a lot to BDSM, including a whole lot of safety issues. And I would feel terrible if someone read one of my books and then hurt themselves because I put something unsafe in it or didn't talk about the things you should do to make sure you're playing safely.

As a "for instance", I have a wax play scene in my recent release, Master Class. As the Dom and sub are talking about the scene beforehand, the sub mentions there are special candles (the Dom is new and the sub is experienced) that you use for wax play. I did that because I read a BDSM book within the past year (meaning it's not an old release) where the Dom used regular household candles. Ow.

I know a lot of authors don't think it's their responsibility to educate about BDSM in their books, and that's okay, but I don't agree. I would rather have readers and reviewers alike mention the detail I go into about safety and education than the alternative.

What do you think the responsibility for both readers and authors alike is when it comes to BDSM? I'm totally open to hearing differing opinions. That's what makes the world go 'round. Tell me your thoughts in the comments section.

Oh, and before I let you go, I have two BDSM releases- Master Class and Unexpected Top. Here are the blurbs for both. More info is on my website at http://www.booksbycassandracarr.com.

Master Class:

Ryan Tomasi feels like a failure. His marriage is officially over; the ink dried on the divorce decree. His friend Jack introduces him to BDSM and he agrees to attend a Halloween party at a club. A submissive approaches him, offering herself, and how can he refuse the kneeling beauty? They do a whirlwind scene and Ryan is addicted—both to dominance and to her.

Lisette Rinaldo is returning to the BDSM club for the first time since ending a bad relationship with her former master. She spots Ryan and is taken by the combination of self-assurance and nervousness the man displays as he takes in his surroundings. And after he gives her an incredible re-introduction to the lifestyle, she knows she needs to see the man again.

Ryan and Lisette explore each other and the lifestyle, but what started out as playtime quickly evolves into something more. The problem? Ryan isn’t ready to get serious again and Lisette doesn’t want to fall in love with a guy who can’t give all of himself to her. Both of them are going to have to break out of the bonds holding them back from happiness.

Unexpected Top:
Sometimes a wife has to go to extreme measures to save her marriage. When Cissy Holden doesn't feel appreciated, she takes matters into her own hands--literally--and introduces her wayward husband Len to the concept of a Female-Led Relationship (FLR). Will Len be on board with FLR, or has Cissy just made the biggest mistake of her life?

-- Cassandra

Some basics for those of you who are new around here...

In the past we've done some "BDSM for Beginners" posts, but I don't remember seeing one in a while, so I thought I'd do one for those of you who haven't been with us as long. First, for a HUGE list of terms related to BDSM, this is a great site: http://bdsmcafe.com/resource/glossary/gloss-x.html.

Now, for furniture -- if you're going to go that far -- The Stockroom is a good place to start. Besides furniture, they have tons of other stuff too, but I found their explanations of the different apparatuses to be straightforward and easy to understand: http://www.stockroom.com

Implements. If you're going to do BDSM, you'll need some type of implements. Whether you're doing impact play, sensation play or something else, don't go buying any old thing. Buy quality. How do you know the products are quality? When they come from places like: http://www.cane-iac.com or http://www.thelondontanners.com (for those kinksters in the UK or people who don't mind paying higher shipping costs for quality goods.

And clothing...sure, you can wear whatever you want. It's not like the BDSM police are going to come and take away your kinkster card if you play in sweats and a tank top. But sometimes it's fun to get dressed up, especially if you like things like role playing. Since there are TONS of places to buy clothing you can use in BDSM play, I'm not going to list any here. But I will say this. Make sure it fits, it's not cutting circulation, and that you're not allergic to it. You laugh, but there's a lot of latex out there in the kink world.

A word about bondage, which is one common place start to explore kink. Sure, you can buy a pair of fuzzy handcuffs at your local sex shop and go for it, but you're going to tie up your submissive, you should definitely check out Two Knotty Boys at http://www.beknotty.com/wiki/index.php?title=FAQ_about_Rope_By_Dan_of_the_Two_Knotty_Boys. They'll tell you what you need to know about bondage so you don't hurt anybody.

Reading. It's not a bad idea to read some books before you really get into this lifestyle. A few good ones are SM 101 by Jay Wiseman and The Loving Dominant by John and Libby Warren. Both can be found on Amazon. etc.

Lastly, join FetLife - but be careful. http://www.fetlife.com

--Cassandra

Where do you start?

One of the most common questions I get from people not in the lifestyle is, "Where do I find others? How do I get started? What do I do?"

First of all, let me start by saying, as I've said before, there are no "rules" to BDSM. There are only safety concerns and basic respect for others. The guidelines everyone should follow are: everyone's a consenting adult, everyone's having fun or getting what they need out of the play, and no one is being harmed.

That's really all there is to it. It's that simple. No BDSM police will take away your riding crop because you aren't "doing things right." There is no "one true way" to practice BDSM. In fact, I highly recommend keeping a sense of humor about you, and if you run into someone lacking one and who also takes themselves waaaaaaay too seriously, steer clear of them.

To find others, the best thing to do is to sign yourself up for an account on Fetlife.com. It's free, and if you're uncomfortable doing it, get yourself a completely different email address through Gmail and sign up with that. You don't have to give your real name or place or age or anything. Just don't post any face pictures of yourself if you don't want people to know who you are.

Being on Fetlife, you can then search by area to find local Munches (lunches or dinners usually held at restaurants), coffee groups, and other events.

Get out and meet people. Don't be in a hurry to get into a relationship. In fact, you don't really "need" to be on the look-out for someone kinky if you're looking for a relationship. Just get to meet PEOPLE first. If you can't be friends with someone, then you damn sure can't trust them with your life, health, and safety in a BDSM play situation.

You also don't need to be in any hurry to "define" yourself. Remember, there are no tests, no grades, no pass/fail to this. It's life. It's YOUR life. And you're entitled to have fun (as long as you aren't harming anyone and they consent to playing with you). Don't worry about some pinhead who has a thousand reasons for why you're not doing it right. (Again, not talking about safety issues here -- that's a WHOLE different and legitimate conversation.)

We went to a munch last night (it's a monthly munch we go to) and there were a couple of different people there who'd never been to a munch before and weren't even sure what their interests were yet, only that they knew they wanted to get more involved in the lifestyle and meet like-minded people. There was also a couple there who'd been married for years and who were now starting to explore their kinky side. There was a couple who were both kinky and both formerly involved in the lifestyle who'd met through a vanilla dating site. (Now that's kinky! LOL)

When I first started this journey, I swore I was dominant, would never submit to anyone, would DAMN sure never play naked in public, etc. etc. etc.

*cough*

Um, yeah. I'm still dominant in most of my life, except I do submit to Sir, with whom I switch on occasion. Hubby, my slave, has a dominant streak in him that's starting to come out. I consider myself dominant in all other areas of my life, and if anyone tried to push my buttons, they'd find themselves on the floor in a heartbeat with my foot on their throat.

There are people who probably think we do human pet play (puppy, pony, cat) "wrong" because we mix impact play, discipline, and bondage in with it. There are probably purists who think I should be called a "little" because I call Sir "Daddy" and enjoy stuffed animals (I'm definitely not a little).

What I'm trying to say, even though I'm repeating myself from several past blog posts, is that to get started you just...start. Find out what interests you, never forget your basic manners (blindly messaging someone that you'd like to play with them without even taking the time to get to know them first is NOT polite and will get you shut down), and don't be in a hurry to rush into anything. Most of the spectacular "blow ups" I've seen in relationships and with people are because one or both were in a hurry to just jump right in, or to do things "right" without remembering first and foremost...

PEOPLE. ARE. PEOPLE.

I've seen the craziest shit both online and in real life in the BDSM world of people doing stuff that I would hope in vanilla real life they would never dream of doing. They seem to lose their common sense.

I had a dude message me last week, despite my Fetlife profile clearly stating right at the top of the about me section that I will NOT play with anyone other than my pack, that he was coming to town and wanted to tie me and Sir up and tickle us.

HUH??? If it'd just been generic copypasta crap, I would have deleted it. But the fucktard took the time to read enough of my profile to not only see i was in a poly triad, but to name us in his message and customize it. Yes, he probably sent similar messages to quite a few other people at the same time, but day-amn.

I told him no, to read people's profiles before sending them creepy messages, and then blocked him.

Sir basically told him to go fuck himself before He blocked him as well. And Hubby blocked him.

I didn't know this guy from Adam. And he only messaged me, which was even creepier because considering my profile shows I'm not only married but collared and owned, it would have been basic manners NOT to send me a message like that. Especially since he obviously took the time to read enough of my profile to see what my situation was.

That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about. If the guy had taken the time to strike up a conversation, and then eventually asked about playing, he would have gotten a polite no thanks. (Had he truly taken the time to be considerate, however, he never would have propositioned me in the first place.)

Usually when I get copypasta from trolls, I simply delete it and block the asshat. No harm, no foul. But when a douchecanoe customizes it and says he's coming to the area on a trip, yeah, that's when it gets into creepy land.

So don't do that. And yes, submissive women can be just as guilty of it, too. I've seen women in sub frenzy basically going after dominants, regardless of whether or not the guy is already in a relationship or not. They assume they can go after him because he's a Dom.

Um, no. If you went after another woman's man in real life, you'd likely end up in a cat fight, no? Why do you think it'd be any different in the BDSM world. Yes, I know people who are poly and/or have several play partners. (Hell, I am poly, but in a closed pack.) But what newbies often don't take into consideration is that the people who play with others usually have pre-existing rapport or relationship with them. I do know a couple of service tops who play with others at parties, but they're in committed relationships. And it's far too easy for a single female sub who's new to the lifestyle to equate sexual play/sensual play with "love" and then go off the deep end and then everyone starts hiding their pet bunnies out of an abundance of caution.

Don't be a bunny boiler.

And I'm not trying to scare newbies. By far, the majority of people I've met in the lifestyle are decent, polite, friendly people. But in any demographic, vanilla or kinky, you're going to have asshats who skew the bell curve right the hell off the chart. We tend to hear more about those asshats in the lifestyle community simply because it's a smaller demographic and epic derailments garner more attention and word of mouth.

So when you want to get started in the community, keep your eyes open, keep your common sense firmly in place, and just keep your damn undies on until you make friends with enough people that you can start to find things you'd like to try. Don't get entangled in sexual or sensual play with people you don't know well. Ask questions. If you go to events, find out who's in charge (if it's a small event) and talk to them, or find staff/volunteers you can talk to. Or ask the organizer or staff to point out people you can and should talk to.

If you're already in a relationship and want to explore this, communication is key. Don't automatically assume your partner will in no way want to participate. And if you're sure of that and think you're going to get your fix on the down-low, that's a sure-fire way to blow up your relationship beyond repair because the truth WILL come out.

Start by doing a little role-playing in bed. Give and take. "I'd like to try this tonight, and in exchange I'll try out ____ that you've wanted to try." (Yes, that's a simplification, but you get my drift.)

There is no race to the finish. There is nothing that says you have to jump into this feet-first into the deep end of the pool right now. Take your time. Learn to have the hard conversations. It will feel reeeallly weird at first if you're not used to talking with your partner like that, but trust me, you cannot have a BDSM lifestyle if you cannot effectively communicate.

And there's nothing that says you have to do everything at once. You can ask your guy to blindfold you in bed (or ask your girl, if you're the guy, or whatever your relationship configuration is). You don't have to ask your wife to buy a strap-on and fuck your ass as the first introduction to her finding out you're kinky.

It's a journey, a progression of steps, each one building upon the path. There is no "destination." There shouldn't be. Getting your hopes up and creating this unrealistic picture in your head of what things "should" be like is a sure-fire path to disaster.

Another key piece: you also need to make sure you are working on YOUR issues along the way. I've seen plenty of instances where people jumped into BDSM only to find disappointment because the source of their discontent was within them, not their partner.

I know this person who has bounced from relationship to relationship, each one a disaster after having proclaimed that their new person is "the one." They refuse to see that the problem is THEM, not the people they choose. (Well, they keep choosing deeply flawed people to start with.) They consistently choose the wrong people to have relationships with, because they refuse to see that what they are looking for is missing within them. Instead, they continue to put their needs upon new partners, and when those partners prove less than perfect (because they blindly ignored warning signs due to seeing that shiny object of the "missing piece" in the other person) yet another relationship blows up and they wonder what happened.

Had they focused on getting to know the other person first, instead of rushing into a relationship with them, they would have seen that it wasn't meant to be in the long run. And those of us who finally stepped out of that person's life because of the never-ending self-created drama sadly shake our heads and wonder who the next ex will be in that person's life.

You have to be willing to work on yourself, on examining yourself honestly, sometimes brutally so. You have to be able to have honest conversations with yourself. If you can't, you'll never be able to have those honest conversations with partners.

So take your time, start slow, and don't be in a hurry when you decide to to take the plunge. Yes, it means holding yourself back sometimes, but in the end, you'll be a happier person for it with a well-rounded circle of friends and acquaintances with whom you can share your journey.

And you'll be a happier, more content person as well.

* * *

Today is release day for the second book in my Placida Pod series, "Porpoiseful Intent."

http://www.bookstrand.com/porpoiseful-intent

And if you missed the first book, "Accidentally on Porpoise," you can order it from Siren here:

http://www.bookstrand.com/accidentally-on-porpoise

Blurb:

[Siren Everlasting Classic ManLove: Erotic Alternative Paranormal Romance, M/M, shape-shifters, HEA]

Sean Morita and Emery Nadel are enjoying settling in together as mates, but there is deadly trouble brewing on the horizon as plans for the Samhain superpod get underway. Sean’s parents have no idea that Emery and his family are dolphin shifters, and everyone wants to keep it that way.

But what do you get when you mix a hurricane, a houseful of dolphin shifters, a pair of oblivious human parents, a vengeful ex-lover, and an alligator shifter with a warped sense of humor?

Sean and Emery are about to find out. Erik isn’t finished with Emery yet, and innocent shifters will pay the price when vengeance returns with Porpoiseful Intent.

A Siren Erotic Romance

Tymber Dalton is a Siren-exclusive author.

--

You can find all my Siren releases as Tymber Dalton, Lesli Richardson, Macy Largo, and Tessa Monroe on my Siren page at:

http://www.bookstrand.com/tymber-dalton

New! I have a chat list now, too! http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TymbersTrybe/

And you can find me on the web at:

http://tymberdalton.com
http://twitter.com/TymberDalton
http://facebook.com/tymberdalton
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TymberDalton_updates/
https://plus.google.com/118382222849341409443/

No Means No.

I was in a BDSM forum the other day a sub asked a question that should have surprised me, sadly it didn't. Does a Dom need to ask a subs permission to play with them? The question rang true for me after a recent incident I experienced where a Dom assumed I would be his play partner because I'm now a single submissive. The conversation I was engaged in ended like this.

 

Him: "As a submissive you should do what I, as the Dom, tells you to do."

Me:   "You are not my Dom, therefore I don't have to do anything you tell me." 

 

The fact is there are idiots and morons in all lifestyles. It doesn't matter if you live and socialise in the vanilla world, the BDSM lifestyle, the gay community, wherever. It's courtesy to ask someones permission to do anything with them, whether it's going out on a date or getting involved in BDSM play. Simply because someone is submissive, or single doesn't give a Dom/me power over them or the right to assume they are free to play with. Wearing the title of Dom/me doesn't give a person the right to demand anything of a submissive they aren't in a relationship with or have a specific agreement with.

 

I worry about new people entering the BDSM lifestyle. As an experienced sub, I'm quite capable of telling a Dom to piss off and leave me alone if they overstep the boundaries of decency. And, if standing up for myself gives them the impression I'm not a submissive then so be it, it's not something that bothers me. However, someone entering the lifestyle may not have the strength or belief that they can or should be able to say no.

 

So, for those new to the BDSM community I just thought I'd give you a few tips.

• You can say No to a Dom/me.
• If you tell someone 'no I don't want to play with you' then they should respect that decision. They shouldn't keep pestering you in the hope or belief that they can change your mind.
• Saying no to a Dom/me doesn't mean you are not submissive, it just means you know your own mind and you know who you feel safe to play with.
• Other members of the community will usually help you if you are being harassed by someone. If you're at a party/club/munch then find the organisers or the dungeon master and ask for help. If it's online then block the person and let other people on the site and the site owners know that you've been harassed and who by.

As in any community, common courtesy, listening to and respecting boundaries laid down by individuals is part of the social requirements in the BDSM lifestyle. Also, as in any community, there are people who don't respect others and who will overstep the social boundary. Mercifully, as I've said before, most members of the kink community will assist someone if they are being hassled, which makes me feel safer as a single person in a BDSM social setting. What we all need to remember is that in any community, including the BDSM one...No always means No.

 

 

 

 

How to bring up the topic of BDSM to your man in 5 easy steps

With the recent popularity of the BDSM book-that-must-not-be-named (which we all know isn't really a BDSM book anyway), I've heard several women discussing how they could approach their significant others about wanting to get kinky. First of all, I applaud you for trying something different, but if you don't want to try it, don't. There's nothing wrong with having no desire to be kinky.

But if you do want to delve into the world of kink, and you don't want to do it alone, here are some ways to approach your man:

Maybe not start out with these...
Creative Commons by -JvL-
http://www.flickr.com/photos/-jvl-/

1. Buy a book and either leave it where he'll see it or directly show it to him. I'm not talking about buying the aforementioned book, but rather something like SM 101- A Realistic Introduction, or The Ultimate Guide to Kink.
2. Buy a toy, and do the same thing - leave it out or show it to him. Start small (not literally) here, people. Don't go for the single tail or the eight-inch butt plug right off the bat, or you'll scare the hell out of most men. Try a little paddle. Handcuffs. Maybe a vibrating toy.
3. Start a discussion, without buying a book or a toy. Some people feel more comfortable assessing their man's interest level before spending money, and that's a great way to approach this.
4. Rent a movie with some BDSM elements. Secretary is a good one to start with, though the BDSM is really pretty tame.
5. Suggest he read one of our books! (Sorry, had to throw that in there...)

Can you think of other ways to approach a significant other? Tell me in the comments!

-- Cassandra

http://www.booksbycassandracarr.com

Vanilla isn't the only flavor out there.

I've been meaning to blog about this topic for a long time because I keep hearing it brought up on both sides of the coin -- people in BDSM trying to explain to vanilla friends/family what it is they do, or someone who is vanilla trying to figure out why their friend/loved one would want to be involved in a BDSM relationship.

First of all, let me address the "vanillas" out there. By that I'm not using a derogatory term, by the way. It's just a way to define the non-kinky from the kinky.

So your friend or loved one is into BDSM, or a BDSM dynamic with someone. First of all, do NOT hie thyself down to a bookstore and crack open "50 Shades of Grey." PLEASE. That is sooo not what "real" BDSM is like.

Why would someone want to be involved in BDSM? Well, you need to ask the person that question, and you need to keep an open mind. The reasons are as varied as the people involved in the lifestyle. For some, it's an intrinsic part of who and what they are in the core of their being. Some people think it's a lot of fun. Some crave/need/use the pain or control in some way, if pain is an element of the dynamic. (It's not all about pain, and some people don't have any kind of "pain" in their dynamic.)

"Well, it's abuse!"

No. Consensual BDSM is to abuse what pineapples are to prostate exams. They are completely different animals. I personally cannot for the life of me understand why someone would want to climb an icy mountain for FUN. To me, THAT'S torture.

Just because something isn't in YOUR frame of reference doesn't mean it's not valid.

Consensual BDSM is as far from abuse as you can get and still be on the same interplanetary plane. It's about boundaries and limits and lots and lots of open communication. Consistent communication. Are there abusive assholes involved in BDSM? Well, sure. Just like there are pedophillic priests and abusive partners in the general population. In fact, it's more likely that someone who is involved in a HEALTHY, consensual BDSM relationship is a far more stable and trustworthy person in the abuse department than the average person on the street.

Why? Because someone who is consensually practicing BDSM is extremely aware of boundaries and limits and how not to HARM someone.

HARM is a key difference. Some people get off on hurting/being hurt. But there is a fine line between hurting someone consensually and harming them.

In consensual BDSM, there is no intentional harm being committed. (Yes, people are human. Accidents happen, people screw up, miscommunication occurs, but it's the exception, not the norm, in a healthy relationship.)

"But...but...WHY would she want him to spank her/tie her up/cane/control/her?"

You need to ask her. She (I'm using "she" generically) might or might not be able to clearly verbalize the reasons.

There are a lot of things about my personal BDSM dynamics that I can't fully "explain" to someone in a way that makes sense. Honestly? I don't have to justify it to anyone else. It's between me and my partners. I can tell you that when I started out in the lifestyle as Domme to my husband (at his request) I never thought my path would lead to where it has. I did NOT in any way, shape, or form consider myself a sadist. I did NOT want to "harm" or even hurt my hubby. I wasn't comfortable in the Domme role at first, but it was something he wanted from me and I was willing to do it.

When I started also playing with Sir as His Top, I found a different side of myself as a Top. He is a very heavy masochist, and He discovered that I had no trouble "not hitting Him like a girl." LOL The joke at first was that I was brought in as the relief hitter, so to speak, when He wore out His wife and another friend of ours who used to top Him, to finish him off.

I found that I reeeeally enjoyed topping Him. I discovered my sadistic side. I enjoyed the dance of a scene, of using different implements on Him and taking Him juuuuust right to the edge of coding, of learning His body language to know when to push Him harder and then back off, to keep Him just on the edge of his endurance and tolerance.

I had a real knack for it. And I started receiving a lot of positive comments after our scenes not just from Him, but from people who watched us play together.

Eventually, it led to me wanting to try the submissive end of the scale. And as He was a switch, and as we already had a very deep, solid rapport, not to mention a trust bond, He was the person I asked to do it.

The day after our first scene together, which was in a back room at a friend's house during a private party because I didn't want to be out in the open, I realized exactly why people enjoyed bottoming. This was just before my diagnosis of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome (I thought I was just suffering from arthritis pain) and I felt FANTASTIC for several days. Pain levels practically non-existent, and energy through the roof. Later, I was to discover not only was I not alone in that, but that impact play, because of the endorphins it releases, is VERY therapeutic for my fibro pain.

Do that again? FUCK yes!

And our relationship evolved from there, with a LOT of boundaries at first on my part, until we reached the point where we are today. Our "default" is Daddy (or Sir in a heavy scene) and pet. (We don't do age play, it's just what I call Him.) But I still spend lots of time topping Him.

And above all, it's FUN.

So there's no way I can give a person a succinct, one-sentence reply as to why I am involved in the lifestyle. It is an ongoing journey with no end in sight.

So back to "why" would someone want to do this?

There are women (and men) who were raised, rightly so, to value equality. To consider women equal to men. I'm one of them. Fifteen years ago, I would have scoffed at the idea of "submitting" to someone.

When women (or men) are abused, it is non-consensual. Sometimes (too often) it is violent. However, BDSM is NOT abuse when it's consensual. If women have truly achieved equality, insisting that they have to limit their personal and sexual choices to a dynamic determined by the mainstream masses does the opposite of empower them. To say that the only "right" way to have a relationship is one determined by politically correct people who often have NO first-hand knowledge of BDSM outside of badly-made TV shows portraying lifestyle folks as bad guys or the butt of jokes is total bullshit.

We have choices. We are FREE to choose to be slaves or submissives or bottoms or pets or whatever. We are FREE to choose to be sadists or Tops or Owners or Masters/Mistresses/Doms/Dommes or whatever. As long as our partner/s freely choose to participate in that dynamic with us, it's a choice.

Isn't that what equality is all about?

"But...but...it's against GOD'S LAW!"

I've got news for you, bucky, that's YOUR problem, not the problem of the person in the lifestyle. If you want to judge someone based on your religious views, that makes you a hypocrite. I know people in the lifestyle who are everything from athiests to Pagans to Christians and Jews and Muslims and everything in between.

Here are a few warnings for you: Do not threaten to "out" the person. That's the fastest way to ruin your relationship with them as well as possibly ruin their life if you do. I'm fortunate to be in a position, since Hubby's retirement, that I can be open with who and what I am. Others can (and have) lose jobs, lose custody of kids, be ostracized from friends and family, etc.

How would YOU like it if they walked into your bedroom while you were having sex with your partner and then spread a video about it to everyone? No? No takers? Because when you threaten to out someone, or when you talk to others about them behind their back, you're basically doing the same thing to them.

Their sex life and relationship is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Period.

"But...but...they have kids!"

So? If you have kids, do you go around having sex in front of them? No? well, why would you think people in the lifestyle would do that to their kids? If anything, they're usually even MORE careful not to expose their children to their lifestyle. Although yes, I do know people who have kids who do witness the more vanilla aspects of their dynamic, like the wife calling the husband Sir, but it's nothing worse than some strict fundamentally religious Christian homes would do.

Now, to my fellow people in the lifestyle: Sometimes, you aren't going to be able to convince your family/friends you haven't just joined a cult. You're going to have to either love them the way they are, or learn to ignore them, or limit your contact with them if they refuse to back the hell off. If they are rational people, they will, in time, likely come to see that you are a happier person by being able to be yourself. If they aren't rational, sadly, nothing you say or do will change their mind.

Your job isn't to sway people to your position. Your job is to live your life. No, you do not non-consensually involve others in your dynamic by being "in their face" with stuff. But you also have to do yourself a favor and give up the idea that you have to persuade people to your point of view. You might have people in your life with whom you have to treat BDSM like politics -- it's there, but you don't talk about it. 

Again, you have to respect the other side of the coin. For example, if your parents are uncomfortable with you addressing your Master as "Sir" in front of them in their home, then you two need to negotiate with each other to work around that. (In your own home, however, your rules.)

I know there are some who will want to say, "Fuck that, it's my life." Yes, it is your life. But how many vanillas go around treating you to what they do in the bedroom in regular, everyday life? Most don't. I'm saying use common courtesy.

But when confronted with someone vanilla who vehemently insists you're in an abusive relationship, keep in mind they probably have the best of intentions at heart. But you will have to learn to establish boundaries with these kinds of people if you want them in your life. You will have to learn to stand up to them and firmly, but kindly, tell them to butt the hell out of your private life because it's none of your business. You are under no obligation to justify your life choices to them.

There is so much more I could talk about on this topic, and probably will in future blog posts. Hopefully someone finds this post useful and can point someone they know/love to it to help them understand a little better.

So have you ever been in this position, either trying to understand someone's desire to be in BDSM, or trying to explain to friends/family why you're in BDSM?

(Tymber Dalton is a bestselling erotic romance author involved in a poly-N dynamic and is a BDSM switch. You can find her Siren-BookStrand releases HERE, and her website is http://tymberdalton.com)