Sunday, December 2, 2012

Inside the mind of a submissive man

When I asked for topics you guys wanted to see on this blog, one that came up was how a submissive man thinks/feels, etc. I thought that would be fascinating, and a friend offered to ask two of her friends who are submissive (at times -one is actually a switch) a bunch of questions. Here are the questions and the guys' answers. I want to thank both of them for their incredible candor and insight.

1. It seems like many people envision women being submissive and men being dominant. You're a male submissive. What do you think sets you apart from men who are dominant?

ANSWER: As a switch who bottoms/subs to women, I think what sets me apart from a male dominant is a willingness to accept that I don't have to be in control all the time. The times I can take control and work my will on someone are great, but that doesn't have to be all the time for me. I can give the drivers seat over and feel fine about it, in certain instances.

ANSWER: First off, I do not consider myself a "male submissive". Beyond my parents (and we have all submitted to 'them" at one time or another) I have never submitted to anyone but my one and only Mistress. I have long lived as the god of my own universe, captain of the ship of me, and as such have never sought out anyone to take over those duties and responsibilities. Yet, since the age of 8 or so, I've had sexually charged fantasies about being overwhelmed by bossy, arrogant, dominant women. 
I kept that side of myself hid for so many years, and finally had to experience it so I could keep growing as a person. I met the woman who became my Mistress my first night at a club, and we soon fell in love, and decided to form a life together. She is the only one I ever submit to, so that is an exception in my life, and remains so. I should add that my sub-ness is entirely connected to sex, and sexual energy for me. So I am very much a role player who ended up in a 24/7 D/S relationship cuz of love. 
Recently I have discovered I am a switch. A girl I know and am close to inspires this side of me, and for the first time I have been truly experimenting with being dominant, and am enjoying its reality in myself. Does this mean I am now a Dominant male? No, the fact that I do it with one person does not warrant such a broad all-encompassing term, the same way submitting to one person does not warrant calling myself "submissive". I can go to these places when the chemistry is right with the right people. 
As for a difference between myself and dominant males - my experience so far has shown me that many who identify as dominant often live with the frustration of feeling relatively impotent in other areas, disrespected, weak, having to eat other people's shit, etc. They turn to others who desire to be, or identify as submissive to help work thru these issues, and to feel a kind of power over another human being they rarely if ever can get anywhere else. So the distinguishing quality is not being dominant per se, but the NEED to feel, and be, dominant.
Many who identify as submissive, on the other hand (and this characterizes how I see myself, too) feel very much in control of their daily lives, exercise direction, responsibility, even authority, and therefore want to feel the voluptuous pleasure of laying that down, giving it to another (power exchange) and feeling it turned upon them. 
A supreme form of general confidence allows me to overcome any fear that might stand in the way of me doing this - giving power to another person. In this case, my Mistress. In a nutshell, submissives to me often seem more relaxed and confident in a general sense than many dominants, who are often concerned with questions of power and perception and having to live up to an ideal.

2. Are there differences you can see between male and female submissives?
ANSWER: Not many. Submission is a mindset, not something that I've seen be defined more by gender. Generally, I'd say the type of play the submissive can endure, but that's not true either, because I've seen some female bottoms take beatings that some male bottoms would safe word out of right damn quick.

ANSWER: Not really, aside from societal prejudices, i.e. the way they might be treated. I know some female submissives that prefer this dynamic in any and every relationship they have, whereas all males I know who identify with the S side want it only with particular women, and are fine with being switchy or dominant in other contexts. This is just my experience so far, tho.

3. What is your favorite part of being a male submissive?
ANSWER: Knowing that, when I'm in a submissive space, someone is taking care of me, and I am making her happy because of that. Whatever that entails.

ANSWER: The sex. More specifically, the power of the play and the sex, especially when in the context of a 24/7 dynamic (and no one, male or female / dominant or submissive, can be one thing All the time) I could also say the joy of being with and serving a wonderful woman I love and admire, but I would feel that way even without the D/S. I like doing things for the ones I love, and that's not always a "submissive" thing, rather a Love and "I'm good at this particular thing" thang.

4. Do you ever encounter any negativity from people in the lifestyle because you're submissive? What about if someone who's not in the lifestyle finds out?
ANSWER: Not really, mainly because I try to avoid people who make instant judgments about a person based on their role in the lifestyle. It would be like hanging around someone who thought all Doms are arrogant assholes, or someone who thought all switches were slutty tourists. As for outside the scene, I am very private with my lifestyle. Almost no one outside the scene knows what I do or how I do it, in that regard. If someone were to find out, I think they would be more focused on WHAT I was doing (BDSM) rather than HOW I was doing it.

ANSWER: I never do, probably because I carry myself well, I'm physically big and seem imposing to some, and I'm very comfortable in myself. It just never seems to be a problem. Plus most people know and respect my Mistress as well, so it has always worked out smoothly social-ness wise. And plenty of others I know outside of the lifestyle have found out, and they have all expressed surprise that I would be submissive in this. I apparently come across quite the opposite. And that's no surprise per answer #1.

5. What kind of dominant woman turns you on the most? What turns you off?
ANSWER: Confidence, and the knowledge they can handle me when I bottom. I get very...primal when I bottom hard, and I don't bottom unless I'm going to go hard. Those are the main turn-ons for me. Turn-off...arrogance. Someone who thinks their shit doesn't stink is going to put me off right away.

ANSWER: My favorite kind of dominant woman is usually large breasted, even full figured, and can even have all the symbols of "bad girl-ness", i.e. tats and piercings, smokes, biker chick, possibly dangerous, hint of ex-con, proud to be physically hot white trash yet also cunning and ruthless. Let's go beyond the cosmetics and fantasy. My favorite kind of dominant woman is in control of her evil. How? She also has a big heart and a brain. 
She is also comfortable in her own skin and sexuality, and has found her sadism and dominance as a natural energy within her. The kind I don't like? Those that (like bad male dominants, too!) posture too much, all bombast and ego to cover up the fact that they haven't actually found it within themselves yet, and are trying too hard to SEEM dominant and commanding. With them I only see the inexperience, inauthenticity, the act. Give em time maybe they will find it later. Maybe not.

Truly, truly interesting stuff, don't you think? Again, I want to thank both of these men for taking the time to give detailed, insightful answers to my inquiries. I'd love to hear what you think of their answers and any experiences you've had, either as a male submissive, or dealing with a male submissive.


  1. I can see a man, like both of these men, being more willing to be submissive if they are confident in other parts of their lives. I think that's pretty much what they both said. An interesting exercise though, delving into something most of us know nothing about and finding out what makes men tick in those situations. A small window on their world but even that is worth reading about. People are my business, after all.

  2. Thanks Cassandra that was a fascinating topic and I loved hearing from these men.

  3. I am quite successful out going confident, My partner and I employ 230 people and I am the decision maker. In my social life I am dominated by my girlfriend & her sister and they enjoy the power they have over me, This works for us.