Sunday, December 11, 2011

Real People Real BDSM - a little S/m and bondage can work wonders



The latest true story in our series.
By Arianna
I think I was probably born with an inclination toward BDSM. My first sexual fantasies involved bondage and discipline before I even knew what it meant. But I was brought up where abstinence was the only path. My mom had me when she was very young so she scared me away from boys and sex to keep me from making the same mistake. It worked (though I don't advocate it), but I went into marriage with very little knowledge of sex, and more importantly, what I like, need, and want.
I was a blushing virgin on our honeymoon. Sex started off bad right away. The stress and anticipation made it hurt even more. I wasn't turned on by the regular routine of vanilla sex. When I fantasized, it was always about BDSM though I didn't know it. As long as I can remember, I had an interesting relationship with pain. I didn't go out of my way to hurt myself, but when I did, it fascinated me. I was the kid that pushed on bruises, picked at scabs, laughed when I got hurt instead of crying. When my sexual fantasies started involving pain, domination, control, being tied up and helpless, I thought I was weird. A freak. Something was wrong with me for wanting these things. I didn't know anyone else like me. I didn't watch porn or read erotic books to know this was normal.
For six years I kept my fantasies secret, scared my husband would be disgusted by my desires. I was petrified he'd reject me. During that time, sex was a chore. An obligation I rarely enjoyed. Sometimes I even hated it. When we had kids, we pretty much stopped having sex all together. Though our marriage has always been strong, there was a big hole missing. One neither of us knew how to fix. I accepted the fact that we were sexually incompatible. He was formulaic and passive. I wanted aggressive and creative.
After our 6th year of marriage, I started reading erotic novels. I realized that I'm not actually a freak for wanting to be tied up. And not even for wanting to mix pain with pleasure. There were lots of people like me who had satisfying sex lives (with their spouses even!), but that I had to be open and honest about my needs. It was very, very hard to tell my husband. Again, we go back to fear of rejection.
How do you tell the person you love that you want to be tied down and spanked? It wasn't as if I was interviewing a sexual partner, or a dom. This was my husband. He was it. There were no other candidates if he thought it was crazy. So I did it in stages.
First, I felt him out a little by telling him about the books I was reading. I used the acronym BDSM then studied his face to see if he would flinch or grimace. I should've known he wouldn't. After years of barely getting any action, I think he would have agreed to anything at that point if it got me off. There's a strategy for those of you with reluctant partners. Deprivation! Okay, kidding. But he was VERY interested in what I was reading. He wanted to know what turned me on.
Remember, most men want to please their women. It's a big turn on for them to know they can get their woman going. You have to appeal to their ego. So I think he was hoping for some clues in what I was reading. So I asked him if he'd like to try some bondage. He said, with a big grin, "okay!"
Things happened relatively quickly after that. He saw how responsive I was to being tied up, which encouraged him to keep going.
Here's a tip. Eager spouses: give your reluctant ones lots of praise and positive reinforcement for doing things you like. It's like training a puppy. Then they know what to keep doing.
After a few bondage sessions, I got even braver and asked him to spank me. Impact play is a huge turn on for me but I wasn't sure he'd like the idea of hitting me. Again, I battled insecurity. Now would he think I was a freak? Most partners, even in vanilla relationships, will tie each others hands once in a while. But I wanted to take it a step further. I wanted him to hurt me. But when I told him it would turn me on, he agreed.
He started off too light, just a few swats here and there. But I needed more. Since I couldn't look him in the eye and say, "I want you to spank me till I'm writhing and yelping and my ass is bright red" (Lol!), I texted him instead.
Here's another tip. Men like dirty texts! I told him exactly what I wanted him to do to me, how hot it would make me, and appealed to his ego that he's da man! He followed my instructions (with a few small changes here and there) and, again, I made sure to tell him how awesome he is after (positive reinforcement!).
The impact play was a more difficult balance to find. Mixing pain with pleasure is a fine line. Figuring out just the right implement, strength, length took a little practice. Yes, he hit me too hard once with the belt and I had a very painful welt to show for it. But everyone is entitled to mistakes. We're still learning each other, but also ourselves. Now that we've been at it a little while, we've both been surprised to realize my husband is growing to love BDSM too. At first, he was just doing it for me. But now we've found a bit of a sadistic streak in him. Not to mention some very clear dom potential.
We've come a long way in these last several months of integrating BDSM into our life. I started off forming the scenes, taking control even though he was the top, or the one tying me up, etc. I said where, how, what implement, etc. This is called topping from the bottom. But it was okay with me because he needed the confidence and direction.
Now that he knows what I like, he's naturally started to take the lead more. And I'm (sometimes reluctantly) giving up control. We could probably still be classified as a top/bottom relationship, but I wonder if we'll end up dom/sub at some point down the road.
The good thing is we both have a sense of humor and don't take things too seriously. BDSM is different for every couple. We will always be playful about it (yes, even when he's smacking my ass for being mouthy), it's just the way we are. Wherever our journey takes us, we'll always be us. A silly, loving, affection couple of smart-asses.
My advice is similar to what everyone else here has said: communication and honesty. It's hard to put yourself out there. It's a huge risk. But, hopefully, the person you are asking to try this with loves you.
If so, they will accept this part of you. It won't happen over night. My husband and I had a few down and dirty talks where I'd end up in tears and he'd be frustrated, trying to understand why I needed this and what I got out of it. Remember, this is a give and take. All relationships require some amount of sacrifice. That goes for the sexual parts too. Especially when you add such specific extras.
BDSM encompasses a lot of stuff. No two people will like the same exact things. So if your partner is going along with your tastes, make sure you're going along with theirs too. I'll give you an example. I don't like talking dirty. It's uncomfortable and makes me feel kinda silly. But my husband loves it. He orders me to tell him in graphic terms what I want, and even though it's not my favorite thing, I do it because I know he loves it. I let him have that.
The most important tip I can give someone is DO NOT COMPARE! Your partner will never be like your fantasies, or like the books you read. Your scenes will not always be as smooth and perfect as what you read in books. We are not fictional characters. We are real and this is a journey of trial and error.
I saw a picture of a certain bondage position I wanted to try. I asked my husband to do it to me. It was extremely erotic and very hot and he loved it. Unfortunately it was the most uncomfortable position in the world and I lasted about 5 minutes before my fingers were going numb. I'll tell you, yelling, "ow! my fingers are numb, let me loose!" is not how I imagined this scene going. But we laughed and adjusted and kept going because that's real life. Trial and error.
Laugh at your mistakes - yes, even if your partner hits you too hard with the belt. Well, you might want to curse for a few seconds first. And don't forget your safeword. If you have a reluctant spouse, have patience. Accept where they're at, just as you want to be accepted. It's a journey. It can be exciting and fun and sexy and funny, but the important thing is you're doing it together.
As Ariana says -- Safe Sane and Consensual


Saying a safeword isn't always necessary if you and your partner understand each other well. But...play it safe if you aren't sure.
And my website -- but I write fiction so the above will give you a better idea of real BDSM :)

13 comments:

  1. Great post, Cari and fun site. Ariana - you are brave to tell your story. I'm sure many will benefit from the honesty. We all need to know we're not alone. My philosophy is this - If the fruit of the tree is good fruit then it's a good tree. A tree is known by its fruit.

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  2. Wonderful story Arianna.....and so true, real life is very different from the fantasies we explore in our minds. But if you really love and want to make a difference...it's amazing where the path can lead.... :)

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  3. I think the sense of humor is so important. The thing about so many of the stories is that people are so doggone serious, but I always thought sex was fun and supposed to be fun, so as long as you're not laughing at each other but with each other, why not treat it all as a whole lot of fun?

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  4. @Casea - thanks for reading! and i like your philosophy

    @Pearl - amazing indeed!

    @swamimommy - exactly! sex IS supposed to be fun. sure, there's a time and a place for seriousness, but most of the time, we have fun. it cuts any tension or awkwardness too.

    thanks for reading everyone!

    Arianna

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  5. Yes, and that's why I love this post. It reminds us that sex, however we choose to do it, should be fun as well as exciting. Some of the time anyway. Exciting is good :P

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  6. :) And this why I love that I've gotten to know you and several others, Arianna. Your story is encouragement enough for me to approach BDSM slowly with Dh, to feel him out and go from there. BTW, that pic looks painful, lol, but I'm about as flexible as a metal pole so I don't think I'll be trying that position anytime soon.

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  7. thanks cari....as you know this is a personal struggle for me. it is very informative (:

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  8. Very nice post. This was very informative and encouraging.

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  9. Wow great story, reminded me so much of Kitty and myself. Thanks for sharing :D

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  10. That was a great story. Glad to see Master and I aren't the only ones out there laughing at our mistakes and tribulations. It is fun and definitely exciting what we do behind closed doors. Thanks for the share.

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  11. Glad you enjoyed it everybody! I'm happy to share my mistakes and successes with you!

    Arianna

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  12. I could have written this myself. Story of my life. We are lucky to have husbands like this.

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  13. Hey, Ari! Thanks for sharing your story. I never knew how you guys found your way into this. From what you are describing, you both have come a really long way from where you started! What great encouragement for those folks who are feeling their way through making the change from vanilla to what is that flavor that we like so much? :)

    Besides finally knowing what in my life was missing and learning how to explore it so that the second half of it is fulfilling, I have made some awesome friends whp are learning along with me. I never would have the support system that I do if it wasn't for taking the risk to not only explore my kinks, but to talk about it in cyberspace!

    See you around,
    mj

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