BDSM Unleashed Blog Hop-Writing Bad Bad Doms by Bianca Sommerland

Welcome to another day of the BDSM Unleashed Blog hop! Since all the post here will be about BDSM—either living it, or writing it—I chose a topic that I find fascinating. Which is Bad Doms. Why? Well, because the men we are warned about in real life, the ones we wouldn't let come close enough to kiss, never mind the with blindfolds and ropes and whips, can make some of the best heroes. The fantasy of the bad boy who is really bad, who we should stay away from because he's so so dangerous, is such a delicious one because we can live out the thrill in the pages of a book without the wrist of a broken heart. Or bruises.

To me, striking a balance with the Bad Dom is very important. If he beats his sub mercilessly just to watch her bleed, just to show he's bigger and stronger, then he is not a Dom. He's an abuser. However, there are clever ways to have a bad Dom in a dub-con scenario without making him into a monster. His motives will help decide that and his actions may redeems him. If he has a tender moment with the heroine after he's bound her, kicking and screaming, to his bed, then you may feel the connection. If he spanks her and checks to make sure she's okay—well, you may start to forget he's holding her hostage or that he's bought her to be his slave. When he kisses her you sigh as though it's the most romantic thing in the world.

Even though it's wrong.
 
In my own writing, the best example of this kind of Dom is probably Vince from Deadly Captive: Collateral Damage. I would say Cyrus, but I don't think he can be considered a Dom by any stretch of the imagination—he's just a sexy sadistic sociopath! <g> However, Vince has several dominant characteristics, a need to teach, to discipline, to control. Unlike Cyrus, Vince takes the needs of his sub into consideration, so even though she is a captive and doesn't get to use safewords, she's being well taken care of. 

Here's a small excerpt from Collateral Damage to give you a taste of what I mean. Nicole has been captured and used roughly, but not by Vince. He's still one of the bad guys, but there's something very different about him:

"You've been treated well."

My brow shot up. "Have I? Well, I guess I'm being over sensitive. I kinda take basic liberties for granted. What can you do?"
 
He stood and set down his cup. "I don't appreciate sarcasm."
I took another sip and smiled. Guess he wasn't as infallible as he pretended to be. 

"Well, I don't appreciate being kidnapped and raped. But we don't always get what we want."

"No, I suppose we don't." He traced the open collar of his black, silk shirt, revealing just the top of a very hard, very well-defined chest. Muscles curved in smooth slopes jumped, as though my gaze was a physical touch. He chuckled, and I looked up to see him watching me. "You want to hate me."

"I do hate you." I shrugged at his doubtful expression. "You're just easy on the eyes. Which I'm sure you know."

"Really." Without a twitch of warning, he closed the distance between us and took my cup. "Shall I prove you wrong?"

I skirted away from him, ducking and skidding from the bed. I might have been prepared to let him do what he would last night, but this morning I couldn't. I wouldn't. Not without a fight.

"Relax. I won't hurt you." He placed the mug on the table and then strode across the room. I swung at him, and he caught my wrists. "Don't force me to tie you up."

"Don'tdon'tdon't." I whimpered as he wrapped his arms around me. Tears streaked my cheeks, gathered on my lips, hot and salty. I flattened my hands on his chest and dug my nails into his skin. "Vince . . . ."

"Shh." He pressed his lips to the top of my head and then bent down to whisper against my lips. "I want to show you something." 

~~~

Don't forget to go fill out the BDSM Unleashed Grand Prize Entry form below and leave a comment for your chance to win one of THREE great prizes, the first prize being a $100 gift card to the online bookstore of your choice! For even more chances to win, the list of participating blogs is HERE. 

GOOD LUCK!

To learn more about Bianca and her books, visit: www.Im-No-Angel.com

Enter P

Real life BDSM-TOPPING from the bottom by La Crimson Femme

 *note from Bianca Sommerland* I've reposted this from GoodReads with permission from La Crimson Femme. I share the opinion of the author, but keep in mind, this is an opinion. Thanks! :)

This was a question brought up from one of members, questioning about Topping from the bottom and why it's frowned upon. They are new the lifestyle and wanted some guidance.

This is my perspective on it and from personal experience. Please note - I'm going to use bottom and sub a bit interchangeably here even thought there is a difference. I'm also going to use the pronouns he for the Top and she for the sub/bottom. Both of this is for simplicity's sake.

Topping from the bottom is frowned upon in the BDSM community as a whole. (Individually, some may disagree.) It is frowned upon because the bottom is the one calling all the shots and controlling from the bottom.

This is actually a bone of contention among several. I tend to find a few writers creating characters in this manner and presenting it as the BDSM way of life. I don't believe they actually know they are doing it. But the way they set up their characters, the actions speak loudly of it. Some do it on purpose to get a point across. Those that do not, well, I have personally found the said writers have never been in a BDSM lifestyle and don't understand the impact of this type of behaviour.

Sometimes it's people new to the lifestyle scoffing at this point. And above all, I find that the bottoms who are Topping take offense to being told what they are doing is frowned upon. Because it is "all about them" isn't it?

Now why do we consider this behaviour detrimental to the D/s relationship? Here are some of the reasons I know of.


1. This undermines the Top's authority with the bottom ordering the top around. How is this a Dom/sub or Top/bottom relationship if the bottom is the one telling the Top what to do?

2. The lack of respect from the bottom for the Top is distasteful in many of the BDSM lifestylers's eyes. First, the thoughts are the Top obviously doesn't know what he is doing because his bottom is the one calling all the shots. Second, they find the sub to be someone with poor behaviour and self centered because it's all about them. The sub is focusing on her wants and needs. The Top is focusing on her wants and needs. How is this balanced?

A goal of a D/s relationship is for the sub to focus on the desires of Top and the Top to focus on the needs of the bottom. When these meet, it's a beautiful thing.

Now why is this bad? What if the Top is okay with the bottom directing?

Let me ask the question, why does a person want to bottom to begin with? Especially in a D/s relationship?

They want to be the one who doesn't have to call the shots - to live in the "fantasy". If the sub is still in control by calling the shots, how are they going to meet this need of letting go of control?

A common result is the bottom no longer respects the Top in a dominant capacity. This can cause a myriad of downstream effects.

1. The bottom is disrespectful to the Top.
2. The bottom is still not receiving what they wanted in the first place, so they become more unruly and dissatisfied.
3. The Top is also unhappy. They don't know what they are doing wrong. This sometimes causes the Top to question if they want to be in this lifestyle or if they are even a Top. This can spiral into insecurity. When a Top is insecure and not confident, it shows in his Topping actions. His nonverbal and verbal actions come across as tentative which causes the bottom to become more irritated and disrespectful.


Will this kill the D/s relationship? What if our is working just fine? BUTT OUT!

Every relationship is different in the BDSM lifestyle, just as it is in Vanilla. Could this work? I've had a couple of people defend that this is just fine. From my personal experience, it does not work. And when I say personal, I mean ME.

I Topped from below without understanding this when I first tried this lifestyle out. It wasn't pretty. I don't know where that ex-boyfriend is today but I hope I hadn't scarred him for life.

I did exhibit all these behaviours, disrespect, bitchy and mean sarcastic remarks. Not only did it impact our kinky play, but it also impacted our gf/bf relationship. I ended up not respecting him at all and he felt like he was always walking on eggshells around me. Not a good thing. Neither one of us were happy. At the time, I just though, "God, what a fucking pussy. Grow a pair of balls." Now I look back and shake my head at my callousness. I tried to force us into roles that didn't work for us.

In my current situation, I've done the same thing. Not purposely. And it shows. Several of the Dom/mes gave me very disapproving looks in class. My DH was embarrassed and frustrated. I was pissed off. Then I was angry afterwards because I behaved in a shameful way. Let's just say, we haven't gone to another rope class again. And my DH once again backed away from BDSM because of this behaviour. Shame on me!

Still the question may be, well it didn't work fo you, it works for me. F off!

True, this can still work. Let me give another example that may help.

Have you seen those kids who are running all over their parents? "Mommy, I want that NOW!" "Daddy, buy it for me NOW! I want to do it!"

What is your gut reaction when you see kids treating their parents this way and the parents just conceding to the kid's every demand?

On the flip side, what about those parents who just don't have it together? The kids are the ones cleaning the house and working a part time job to help the family have food and shelter. The kid is the one trying to keep the parent from wildly spending money or drinking excessively.

In that situation, who is the parent and who is the child? And how do you feel about this situation? 

For more from La Crimson Femme, visit http://lacrimsonfemme.blogspot.ca/

I'd like to thank La Crimson Femme for letting us share this thoughtful post. Feel free to discuss in the comments, but please keep things civil. I'll see if I can get La Crimson Femme and others with experience to come answer any questions. 

Back Away or Barrel Over your TRIGGERS?

A recent chat with readers got me thinking about triggers. As some of you know, some of my books bring people to an uncomfortable place. Those looking for sweetness and fluffiness are probably better off looking elsewhere, but those looking for a story that will drag them in and force them to love and hate and suffer with the characters . . .

But are you willing to suffer with the characters? We all have places in our minds, full of dark memories, things we've buried so we can move on. Some of us avoid anything that will bring these things closer to the surface. Some of us go out looking for ways to make the experience mean less.

Neither way is wrong. Sure, there are probably some shrinks that would tell you to 'face things' or 'get over them'. Others might tell you to find a safe place in your mind to escape from reactions to wounds that will never heal. Whatever way you chose, whatever way gets you through the days, is the right one for you.

That said, how do you handle triggers? Do you have any?

To be fair, I'll answer first. I didn't think I had triggers. I thought I'd numbed myself to all the stuff that might bring up bad memories.  And that's the only way to hit a trigger, right?

Wrong.

Apparently I have a serious problem with trust being given and then exploited. Which seems pretty reasonable--only, I don't put down books. I never walk away from them unless I lose interest (which happens fairly often because my attention span sucks! Oh! Look at the kittie!). But this one book had a bound sub pleading with a man she loved and trusted not to touch her with the knife. He not only ignored her, he CUT her! Every muscle in my body tensed up. I growled--yes, literally growled--at the book and couldn't look at it anymore. HOW DARE HE! Give me a villain any day and he can skin a character without me doing more than wince and read faster to get to the revenge part, but the hero better be heroic.

So there's one big one. I also have an issue with halfway menages, which isn't as serious, but will have a serious impact on my enjoyment of a book.

I'd love to hear about your experiences!

Give me What I NEED

Without giving too much away, I have to say, my new book, The Trip, and readers reaction to it, has gotten me thinking about this a lot. Relationships, commitment, love, and how both are supposed to satisfy the needs of everyone involved (see how I evaded the 2 people restriction? <g>). If you're in a relationship and your needs aren't being met, you shouldn't be in it, right?

But what are your needs?

For me, I know I enjoy breakfast in bed once in awhile. Don't get that often enough. I like surprise gifts. It's been too long since the last one. And then there's going out to movies and fancy restaurants and . . .

Wants. Those are things I want.

What I need takes more thought. I need to feel important. Like there's no one else who could be who I am. Like I have something to offer. I need to be touched, spoken to, listened to. I need the silence filled, I need quiet moments. I need to smile and laugh. I need passion.

These things can't be bought. They all take effort. But without them, I'm not truly happy.

But what about sex? Do I need sex or just want it?

Well, it's easy to dismiss sex as something all of us wants once in awhile, but we don't really need. I'd argue that the level of intimacy that can be reached during sex is essential. Studies say people who have satisfying sex lives are healthier.

Good reason to get it on, right?

Only, things aren't as simple as tab A into slot B for everyone. So simple 'vanilla' sex isn't satisfying. They need something extra to get to a place where they feel fulfilled. Without the extra, having sex can be a chore. Because the act is all give and no take for at least one of the bodies in the bed. And that's all they are. Bodies without any connection.

Because if there was a connection, someone would realize something wasn't working, no?

The problem is, realizing this takes more effort than is present in most relationships. Yes, I'm saying most. Whether it's lack of time, or lack of interest, the average relationship eventually loses 'that loving feeling'. At least one person isn't getting their needs met and eventually they get fed up.

When those needs involve things that fall under the scope of BDSM, things can get complicated. How do you explain to your significant other that you NEED to be tied up to enjoy sex? Or that you NEED to have control taken away? Or that you NEED a bit of pain to feel pleasure?

I don't claim to have all the answers, but I am getting what I need. Maybe not exactly the way I want, or as often as I want—notice, want—but I am getting enough to know that I'm worth the effort. Asking for it was hard. I don't want to have to ask for pain and rough sex. I want the man in my life to just know what I need.

But he needs me to tell him.

For more of me, go here: http://www.im-no-angel.com/new-blog.html

And if you want to take a look at The Trip check out my book page: http://www.im-no-angel.com/my-books.html for all my links and excerpts.

Quick question before I go. Do you know what your needs are? Does anyone else?

Why Not a Ménage?

Okay, for those of you who don't know me, I write ménage. Not because group sex is popular or because I fantasise about being double tagged (not saying I don't, but that's beside the point <g>) but because I like giving my characters everything and anything they want. Then I find ways to make them miserable.

Can I write a story without a ménage? Absolutely. I have a couple in the works, but I find sticking with a simple relationship involving just two people more challenging than doing one with three or more. Why? Well, because I spend a lot of time developing my secondary characters. Making them likeable. And if they're likeable, why not include them in the action?

In the real world there are plenty of reasons to avoid open relationships, or even committed relationships with more than one partner. Most of us were raised to view monogamy as ideal. The concept of being the one and only is so romantic. But at the same time, I think many of us have been in a situation where we…well, you know, the whole having cake and wanting to eat it too thing. Don't you find that saying funny? What else are you supposed to do with cake? Put it on a shelf and let it get all stale?

So to me, the question isn't why should I make a story a ménage. The question is 'Why not?'. Is the hero possessive? Can the heroine deal with him being like that? Has she ever loved before? Has he? Can they satisfy each other's needs?

See, when I'm writing a ménage, the hero might be possessive, but he's more concerned with making sure his woman is completely satisfied—both in and out of bed—than with keeping her all to himself. In Rosemary Entwined, this concept was easy because Rosemary actually needs all the men to survive. In Deadly Captive, the ménage they participate in willingly is a bit more complicated—but I won't spoil it for you. The point is, both these stories are fantasy, so blurring the lines of what's acceptable is pretty easy.

But what about in a contemporary story? Still fiction, but these people are stuck in the real world. What reasons could they possibly have to get involved in a polyamourus relationship? What's wrong with them?

To my mind, absolutely nothing. This might not be a popular opinion, but I think some people aren't wired to be monogamous. Actually, many would say most men aren't. Other's would point out women's hormones drive them to 'mate' with the strongest and settle down with gentle, caring providers. That doesn't sound monogamous to me.

All that aside, sex obviously isn't all about having babies. Whips and chains don't increase fertility. Getting in bed with another woman won't make me a better mother. But if that's what gets me off, it's all good, right?

Now, what if I couldn't enjoy sex unless I had more than one partner? Would that be any different? 

Obviously, some people will argue it is, but me, I figure as long as it's legal…no, scratch that. Sex in public isn't legal. Polygamy isn't legal. Having sex with someone you're not married to is even worse! It's a sin!

All right, how's this. So long as the partners are consenting adults—we're not getting into non-con here, I'll do that in another post ;) –and aren't hurting anyone (any more than they want to be hurt), it's all good.

But still, all that doesn't answer my original question. Why not a ménage? Lack of options? Social norm? If you're writing erotic romance, and there's an attraction between more than a pair of characters, why deny them?

Well, I guess it depends on the author. And on the characters. If you're aiming for a Happily Ever After, then by the end of the story, the hero and heroine should both be feeling—in the words of Jerry Maguire— 'You complete me.'

If not, well, maybe there's someone missing.

For all you lovely readers, if you want more of me, just go here: http://im-no-angel.com/

This is The Playroom

On behalf of myself and several awesome BDSM authors, I'd like to officially welcome you to The Playroom. Look around, take a seat, or, if you're the adventurous sort, let one of our sexy Doms snap your cuffs together and bring you to one of the spanking benches. Do not try the Saint Andrew's cross yet. Some of our sadists are practicing . . . 

All right, don't say I didn't warn you!

Basically, this is a place for us to come together and share our common love for all things kink. Not only will you find information on erotic romance and erotica novels exploring various form of dominance and submission, you'll also get a taste of what it's like to really live in the lifestyle. We'll talk about everything from toys to torture, chains to cages, light play to 24/7, and everything in between.

As you can see, we've got tons of pages, but some are still pretty empty. Well, they won't be that way for long. Every day contributing authors, reviewers, and guests, will be adding new stuff. And once we're all set up here, the Playroom Authors will be going on a blog tour which means tons of great prizes will be given out. To make sure you stay up to date on all the exciting things we have planned, we're given you several different ways to follow. Which I would personally suggest because we might spring a contest on here just to get things rolling! ;)

For now, I'd like to introduce two of our authors (I think the rest have gone down to the dungeon *eek!*)

Kallypso Masters is the lovely lady kneeling in front of the man with the dreamy green eyes and day old scruff on his solid jaw. Don't be fooled by her. The glint in her eyes means she's up to mischief and Master Marc will have to put her in her place. Oh! I wonder what he's whispering to her now! Ah. Strip.

Across the room, by the suspension rack, we have Cari Silverwood, waiting her turn. But unfortunately, Master Theo isn't around and it looks like she's topping Heketoro . . . hmm . . . he just took something out of his pocket. An egg. By Cari's flush I have a feeling she knows what that means. <g>

And I am Bianca Sommerland. Hanging around the bar, waiting for Kurt, or Largo, or Alaire, or all three . . .

Shit. Cyrus just walked in. I'll catch you guys later! *runs and hides behind a sawhorse.

To be continued...