Sensually Kinky Delights

A little while ago I was asked to contribute an anthology. A group of Australian authors came up with the idea to write erotic romance stories with the primary theme being food, the concept caused my mind to race...oh yes, I wanted to be a part of this. 

My wicked mind immediately raced to two things I've fantasies about. The first, having someone lay food on top of me, then eat it and the second, being used as a table by a sexy dominant. I can't explain either compulsion but for some reason they both turn me on. I've never included either in any of my books before because I was unsure how readers would respond. This time, I decided to throw caution to the wind and take a shot at writing both activities into my novella, All You Can Eat.  

The research was fun...no, get your minds out of the gutter I didn't do activity, well yet anyway. In relation to food play, I discovered a practice called Nyotaimori. It's a subdivision of food play where sushi is served on a naked woman's body. I found the idea quite sexy. It seemed a classier way of engaging in food play instead of other forms of the play that can make a huge mess. It also enabled me to incorporate the aspect of objectification, i.e. having my Dom use my sub as a table, plate or however I decided fitted the characters personalities. I was faced with a couple of issues though if I wanted to make the story work.

Firstly this wasn't a BDSM anthology and secondly a lot of objectification or human furniture activities involve extreme bondage practices where the sub is not only used as furniture but incorporated into actual furnishing (like chairs) within the home. Nyotaimori had it's own issues of safety and some medical experts advise against the practice for health reasons, although warnings are mainly in relation to public setting scenarios. I had to find a happy medium, scenes that wouldn't terrify those who've not read BDSM romance before and would fit in with the heat level of the other writers in the anthology. The answer I came up with - sensually kinky play.

Like all aspects of BDSM, participants enjoy it to varying degrees, adapting it to their own needs, likes and dislikes. In All You Can Eat my characters decided to go with the lighter side of play, no pain, no severe bondage, no humiliation. They adapted the activities to fit their needs and likes, as well as mine as the author.

Edible Delights Vol 1, featuring my novella, All You Can Eat goes on sale on Friday 17th through Secret Cravings Publishing. If you'd like to purchase it here is the link: Secret Cravings

You can also go in the draw to win a PDF copy of the book over at my blog (http://jangraham.blogspot.com.) my pre-release giveaway runs for the next 24 hrs and then there will be a second chance to win a copy if you drop back to the blog over the weekend. 

He's a little excerpt to give you a taste of what you might win.

All You Can Eat - Excerpt.

Jai took the food from her and placed it on the daybed parallel to one of the pillows.

“I think I’d like to eat my salad at a table.” Kat looked perplexed as he patted the cushions on either side of him in turn. “Elbows here near the salad please and knees on this one.”

Kat continued to look at him quizzically, flicking her gaze between each pillow before meeting his once more, this time with a wide-eyed stare.

“You want me to lie across you and be a table?” Jai nearly laughed at the shocked expression on her face. A smile hinted at his lips as Kat remained kneeling at his feet.

“Yes, I need a surface to eat from and I can’t think of a more pleasurable one than you. So, elbows here with your knees there so you’re crouched low across my lap.”

“I can’t believe I’m doing this.” Kat stood, then knelt on the cushion to Jai’s left, stretched across his lap and placed her hands on the cushion to his right.

Jai ran his hand from her shoulder to hip as Kat lowered herself onto elbows, the line of her body appearing like a lazily stretching cat. He applied a little pressure as he moved his hand across her hips, just above the panty line. Kat lowered her bottom until her thighs rested close to her calves. Her breasts moved against his outer thigh as her stomach rested against his erection, causing him to groan low in his throat. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. If he didn't maintain control they wouldn't make it to dessert because he’d be the one begging for release. That was not his plan.

“You have the softest skin, kitty kat.” Jai smoothed his hands over her back and massaged her shoulders briefly, listening to Kat’s lust-filled moans. He slid his hands back down toward her ass, gently rubbing each globe before giving each one a light slap.

“Thank you, I like that.” Kat rubbed her body against his lap. He meant to drive her arousal higher than she could stand, not the other way around.

“Yes, so do I.” Jai slapped each check once more delighted at the little moan each one elicited from his adorable table. “Time to eat. Will I enjoy what you've prepared for me?” Jai placed one hand on her shoulder and the other at her hip to still her movement.

“I hope so, I’d like my reward. I really enjoyed the last one.” Jai scooped a portion of salad onto her back centering it between her bra and panty lines, then proceeded to pour the dressing across the top.

Kat giggled and began to wiggle as he tossed the dressing through the salad.

“Tables don’t usually laugh or wiggle, kitten.”

“The chili in the dressing makes my skin tingle, then you tickled me when you tossed the dressing though.” Kat continued to giggle as Jai began to eat.

He ensured the fork didn't dig into Kat’s delicate skin but also occasionally let the prongs scrap over her ticklish flesh, eliciting another round of laughter. This was the most delightful Thai salad Jai had ever eaten, especially considering he was sharing it with the sexiest woman, and table, he’d ever eaten off.

Jai ran the fork gently along Kat’s spine. Traces of dressing dotted her skin, a delicacy he wasn't going to leave unaddressed. He placed the fork on the empty platter, raised her up onto all fours by positioning one hand under her stomach and applying upward pressure.

Jai bent to whisper against her ear. “Reward time.”

Inside the mind of a submissive man

When I asked for topics you guys wanted to see on this blog, one that came up was how a submissive man thinks/feels, etc. I thought that would be fascinating, and a friend offered to ask two of her friends who are submissive (at times -one is actually a switch) a bunch of questions. Here are the questions and the guys' answers. I want to thank both of them for their incredible candor and insight.

1. It seems like many people envision women being submissive and men being dominant. You're a male submissive. What do you think sets you apart from men who are dominant?

ANSWER: As a switch who bottoms/subs to women, I think what sets me apart from a male dominant is a willingness to accept that I don't have to be in control all the time. The times I can take control and work my will on someone are great, but that doesn't have to be all the time for me. I can give the drivers seat over and feel fine about it, in certain instances.

ANSWER: First off, I do not consider myself a "male submissive". Beyond my parents (and we have all submitted to 'them" at one time or another) I have never submitted to anyone but my one and only Mistress. I have long lived as the god of my own universe, captain of the ship of me, and as such have never sought out anyone to take over those duties and responsibilities. Yet, since the age of 8 or so, I've had sexually charged fantasies about being overwhelmed by bossy, arrogant, dominant women. 
I kept that side of myself hid for so many years, and finally had to experience it so I could keep growing as a person. I met the woman who became my Mistress my first night at a club, and we soon fell in love, and decided to form a life together. She is the only one I ever submit to, so that is an exception in my life, and remains so. I should add that my sub-ness is entirely connected to sex, and sexual energy for me. So I am very much a role player who ended up in a 24/7 D/S relationship cuz of love. 
Recently I have discovered I am a switch. A girl I know and am close to inspires this side of me, and for the first time I have been truly experimenting with being dominant, and am enjoying its reality in myself. Does this mean I am now a Dominant male? No, the fact that I do it with one person does not warrant such a broad all-encompassing term, the same way submitting to one person does not warrant calling myself "submissive". I can go to these places when the chemistry is right with the right people. 
As for a difference between myself and dominant males - my experience so far has shown me that many who identify as dominant often live with the frustration of feeling relatively impotent in other areas, disrespected, weak, having to eat other people's shit, etc. They turn to others who desire to be, or identify as submissive to help work thru these issues, and to feel a kind of power over another human being they rarely if ever can get anywhere else. So the distinguishing quality is not being dominant per se, but the NEED to feel, and be, dominant.
Many who identify as submissive, on the other hand (and this characterizes how I see myself, too) feel very much in control of their daily lives, exercise direction, responsibility, even authority, and therefore want to feel the voluptuous pleasure of laying that down, giving it to another (power exchange) and feeling it turned upon them. 
A supreme form of general confidence allows me to overcome any fear that might stand in the way of me doing this - giving power to another person. In this case, my Mistress. In a nutshell, submissives to me often seem more relaxed and confident in a general sense than many dominants, who are often concerned with questions of power and perception and having to live up to an ideal.

2. Are there differences you can see between male and female submissives?

ANSWER: Not many. Submission is a mindset, not something that I've seen be defined more by gender. Generally, I'd say the type of play the submissive can endure, but that's not true either, because I've seen some female bottoms take beatings that some male bottoms would safe word out of right damn quick.

ANSWER: Not really, aside from societal prejudices, i.e. the way they might be treated. I know some female submissives that prefer this dynamic in any and every relationship they have, whereas all males I know who identify with the S side want it only with particular women, and are fine with being switchy or dominant in other contexts. This is just my experience so far, tho.

3. What is your favorite part of being a male submissive?

ANSWER: Knowing that, when I'm in a submissive space, someone is taking care of me, and I am making her happy because of that. Whatever that entails.

ANSWER: The sex. More specifically, the power of the play and the sex, especially when in the context of a 24/7 dynamic (and no one, male or female / dominant or submissive, can be one thing All the time) I could also say the joy of being with and serving a wonderful woman I love and admire, but I would feel that way even without the D/S. I like doing things for the ones I love, and that's not always a "submissive" thing, rather a Love and "I'm good at this particular thing" thang.

4. Do you ever encounter any negativity from people in the lifestyle because you're submissive? What about if someone who's not in the lifestyle finds out?

ANSWER: Not really, mainly because I try to avoid people who make instant judgments about a person based on their role in the lifestyle. It would be like hanging around someone who thought all Doms are arrogant assholes, or someone who thought all switches were slutty tourists. As for outside the scene, I am very private with my lifestyle. Almost no one outside the scene knows what I do or how I do it, in that regard. If someone were to find out, I think they would be more focused on WHAT I was doing (BDSM) rather than HOW I was doing it.

ANSWER: I never do, probably because I carry myself well, I'm physically big and seem imposing to some, and I'm very comfortable in myself. It just never seems to be a problem. Plus most people know and respect my Mistress as well, so it has always worked out smoothly social-ness wise. And plenty of others I know outside of the lifestyle have found out, and they have all expressed surprise that I would be submissive in this. I apparently come across quite the opposite. And that's no surprise per answer #1.

5. What kind of dominant woman turns you on the most? What turns you off?

ANSWER: Confidence, and the knowledge they can handle me when I bottom. I get very...primal when I bottom hard, and I don't bottom unless I'm going to go hard. Those are the main turn-ons for me. Turn-off...arrogance. Someone who thinks their shit doesn't stink is going to put me off right away.

ANSWER: My favorite kind of dominant woman is usually large breasted, even full figured, and can even have all the symbols of "bad girl-ness", i.e. tats and piercings, smokes, biker chick, possibly dangerous, hint of ex-con, proud to be physically hot white trash yet also cunning and ruthless. Let's go beyond the cosmetics and fantasy. My favorite kind of dominant woman is in control of her evil. How? She also has a big heart and a brain. 

She is also comfortable in her own skin and sexuality, and has found her sadism and dominance as a natural energy within her. The kind I don't like? Those that (like bad male dominants, too!) posture too much, all bombast and ego to cover up the fact that they haven't actually found it within themselves yet, and are trying too hard to SEEM dominant and commanding. With them I only see the inexperience, inauthenticity, the act. Give em time maybe they will find it later. Maybe not.

Truly, truly interesting stuff, don't you think? Again, I want to thank both of these men for taking the time to give detailed, insightful answers to my inquiries. I'd love to hear what you think of their answers and any experiences you've had, either as a male submissive, or dealing with a male submissive.

No Means No.

I was in a BDSM forum the other day a sub asked a question that should have surprised me, sadly it didn't. Does a Dom need to ask a subs permission to play with them? The question rang true for me after a recent incident I experienced where a Dom assumed I would be his play partner because I'm now a single submissive. The conversation I was engaged in ended like this.

 

Him: "As a submissive you should do what I, as the Dom, tells you to do."

Me:   "You are not my Dom, therefore I don't have to do anything you tell me." 

 

The fact is there are idiots and morons in all lifestyles. It doesn't matter if you live and socialise in the vanilla world, the BDSM lifestyle, the gay community, wherever. It's courtesy to ask someones permission to do anything with them, whether it's going out on a date or getting involved in BDSM play. Simply because someone is submissive, or single doesn't give a Dom/me power over them or the right to assume they are free to play with. Wearing the title of Dom/me doesn't give a person the right to demand anything of a submissive they aren't in a relationship with or have a specific agreement with.

 

I worry about new people entering the BDSM lifestyle. As an experienced sub, I'm quite capable of telling a Dom to piss off and leave me alone if they overstep the boundaries of decency. And, if standing up for myself gives them the impression I'm not a submissive then so be it, it's not something that bothers me. However, someone entering the lifestyle may not have the strength or belief that they can or should be able to say no.

 

So, for those new to the BDSM community I just thought I'd give you a few tips.

• You can say No to a Dom/me.
• If you tell someone 'no I don't want to play with you' then they should respect that decision. They shouldn't keep pestering you in the hope or belief that they can change your mind.
• Saying no to a Dom/me doesn't mean you are not submissive, it just means you know your own mind and you know who you feel safe to play with.
• Other members of the community will usually help you if you are being harassed by someone. If you're at a party/club/munch then find the organisers or the dungeon master and ask for help. If it's online then block the person and let other people on the site and the site owners know that you've been harassed and who by.

As in any community, common courtesy, listening to and respecting boundaries laid down by individuals is part of the social requirements in the BDSM lifestyle. Also, as in any community, there are people who don't respect others and who will overstep the social boundary. Mercifully, as I've said before, most members of the kink community will assist someone if they are being hassled, which makes me feel safer as a single person in a BDSM social setting. What we all need to remember is that in any community, including the BDSM one...No always means No.

 

 

 

 

A Good Dom/Domme

I recently participated in the Hot in Handcuffs blog hop and the question I posed in my blog post was what sort of Dom/Domme do you like? Overwhelmingly the responses were one who is confident, strong, powerful, in control, kind, caring and sensitive. I think the Doms I write about in my books have those characteristics and they are certainly personality traits I like in a Dom but the responses started me thinking. Are the traits contradictory? If I want all those characteristics plus more in my Dom am I expecting too much? Do Doms with those traits only exist in novels?

Luckily, I'm continuing to be a BDSM social butterfly, getting out and about and meeting lots of new people. So, I decided to do a little observation at a party I went to on the weekend. You’ll be happy to know that Doms with those traits do exist in real life. I’m also sure you won’t be surprised when I say that there are also Doms who don’t have those traits. I had a discussion with the sub I travelled to the party with and we compared notes on Doms we’d been involved with over the years. The stories we shared could have ended in a list titled ‘the good, the bad, and the ugly’.

What the discussion reinforced for me was, when I’m ready to find a new Dom, I need to have a perfectly clear idea of exactly what I want. I’ve always had a vague idea but I think I need to be more specific on certain aspects. So yes, I want the characteristics stated above but what else do I need to look for? 

At the party a lovely Dom pointed out to there are other things, apart from personality traits, which I need to consider when considering a new Dom. Some of the things I knew, others I hadn’t thought of before. He pointed out a few lifestyle practices that, in his opinion, a good Dom would do when interacting with someone he viewed as a prospective sub. Here’s what he imparted.

 A good Dom will:

·         Always have a discussion about limits, what a sub likes/dislikes in the way of play and lifestyle practices.

·         Build trust with a sub by getting to know them over a period of time prior to asking them to engage in play.

·         Have absolutely no problem with a prospective sub asking for names of other subs as references so you can clarify what he is like as a Dom.

·         Be happy to answer any questions you ask, no matter what they are. His answers will be direct, not vauge or delayed as if he's trying to think up an answer because you've put him on the spot or trying to hide something.

·         Will start off slowly once they engage in play to continue to build trust and get to know the subs responses prior to proceeding to heavy play sessions.

·         Be communicative, not only explaining their own expectations but also ensuring yours are voiced and listened to as well.

His advice on what to do if a Dom doesn’t do these things was, take it as a warning sign and walk away as the person is probably a player who has no idea what their doing.

So what do you think, what else apart from personality traits would you look for in a Dom/Domme? What action/act would be something that would send up a warning flag for you?

My Journey into Submission

As usual we've had some great posts here recently. If you haven't read either of Tymber's or Cassandra's recent blog then I suggest you do so, they're great. Both of them made me think and my blog today stems from what's been said. For most of us involved in the lifestyle, BDSM is an ongoing journey and today I thought I'd share a little bit about the road I've travelled.

 

I've been on my journey for nearly half a century. *shudder* I just turned forty-seven; yep the terrifying fifty is on its way. No shades of grey jokes please, I couldn't cope...lol. I assume some of you are wondering why I class my childhood years as part of my journey. I do it firstly, because we are all who we are because of the whole experience of our lives not just the adult portion. My childhood also played a part in my concept of Dominance and submission, although it was flawed in many ways.

 

 

Looking back I recognize the power exchange in the family for what it was…a D/s one. My family was the traditional, father, mother and two kids. My parents stayed together until death, never divorced, my father was the head of the house, and my mother submitted to his authority. Yes she could participate in the discussion about what to do or disagree with his decisions but ultimately his word was law. That sounds very D/s to me I hear you say. Well in many ways it was but mum's submission stemmed from her religious beliefs of 'wives obeying their husband', not living a BDSM lifestyle. The flawed part of the household came with my father's dominance. He was not the Dom we read about in romance novels. He was sadistic, cruel and abusive to his children behind closed doors and the perfect loving father when in public. In my teenage years I rebelled, not only to my father's authority, but to all authority. I decided I would not be controlled by anyone, would not do as I was told and damn anyone who tried to make me behave. I like to think of my teenage years as practicing to be the perfect brat. Thinking back, the lesson I learned about submission from childhood was sometimes rebelling is what you have to do in order to find yourself.

 

Once I reached my early twenties I discovered something interesting about myself. I still had the get fucked attitude when it came to being told what to do in most areas, but I found that when it came to sex and men I wanted a take charge kind of guy in the bedroom. I lost all urge to say no way and instead turned into a submissive creature that wanted only to please and obey. I loved being tied up, unable to resist (not that I wanted to) and the first time someone bent me over their knee and spanked my cheeky ass I thought I'd gone to heaven. For a while I lead a double life. I'm sure my friends believed I never had sex, never dated, and didn't want a relationship because I kept my sex life and my 'real' life totally seperate. I worked as an advocate for women and children that were victims of abuse, yet in my personal live I was engaging in all sorts of kinky activities in secret and choosing to be dominated. Not abused, there's a clear distinction, but I knew that at the time friends and family wouldn't see it that way. It took a lot of research, reading and meeting different people on the fringe of society before I realized what BDSM and Dominance and submission actually was. It took more to finally accepted that I was a submissive. That period in my life taught me that it's okay to be submissive if that's your choice.

 

Like all new and exciting information we try to incorporate into our lives I spent my late twenties and thirties in pendulum mode until I finally found a balance. I'm embarrassed to say I did fall into the doormat role for a while, until I learned that being submissive didn't mean being a doormat. Where was Cassandra's post when I needed it? Lol. I did meet abusive men pretending to be dominants and ran like the wind once I realized what they were. Thankfully, I eventually became comfortable with my submissive side and with that I also became more open about my lifestyle and what I liked about it. I learned that I offered my submission to someone in a mutual exchange of power and that my submission should be valued as a gift and respected by the Dominant I chose to share it with.

 

By the time I met Shane - my partner, lover, friend and Dom - I knew who I was. I had a firm grasp on exactly what being a submissive was and I wasn't letting go. I believed I had finally arrived and knew exactly how the D/s thing worked. For the first time in my life I entered into a D/s relationship knowing exactly what I wanted and negotiated terms of how Shane and I would live that benefited both of us and met both our needs. Of course reality is never as perfect as you think it will be, but for the large part of our time together and our relationship worked and was a loving one. When Shane experienced some minor health issues the D/s dynamic changed somewhat. We had always enjoyed an open relationship and played with other Doms and subs on a casual basis but eventually Shane decided that in order for me to have all my needs catered to we needed to find a Dom, outside of the relationship, to meet those needs on a regular basis. I still submitted to Shane, he remained my Dom in everyday life and in overseeing the play I engaged in and with who. I was beginning to learn that being a submissive, I could offer my submission to different people under different circumstances in varying ways. 

 

 

The last lesson I learned about submission while I was with Shane was a tough one. I learned submission is never easy and you may have to fight for it. When Shane was diagnosed with terminal cancer and told that, without treatment, he had eight weeks to live, my world turned upside down. We discussed everything from his funeral, to whether to accept treatment options offered by doctors, to what I should do once he was gone. After much discussion he made the final decision on what would happen. Shane declined all treatment options except pain relief and asked that when he was too ill to advocate for himself I would ensure doctors and family abided by his decision. Responding to him was the hardest 'Yes Sir' I've ever had to say. In the following eight weeks I didn't fit any preconceived behaviors of a sub that you might see, imagine or read about, but then I'm not a stereotype, I'm a real life sub. As such, I did what my Dom asked. I made sure his wishes were adhered to. I fought with doctors over medication, refused their requests to try and get Shane to change his mind about treatment, I stood up to his family when I needed to, I organized his funeral exactly as he wanted it, I made sure everything Shane wanted happened and I hated every damn minute of doing it.

 

Then why did you do it?

 

Because as a submissive I choose. I had chosen to give my submission to Shane and entered into an agreement with him many years before he became ill. As his submissive, I chose to honor our agreement until the end.

 

So that's my journey so far, I've learned a lot and I'm sure I'll learn more before I'm finished. Being a submissive is all about choice. Sometimes the choice to submit is easy, other times it's the hardest thing to do in your life...but it's still a choice.

 

Submissives are not doormats

Recently I read a review for a BDSM book that mentioned she didn't like how the submissive was a doormat. I've read that book, and that submissive is not a doormat. She's a submissive. Big difference, but one this reader could not discern. So, being a BDSM author myself, I started thinking about why this reader might have classified this submissive as a doormat.

There are several potential reasons:

1. The BDSM was intense and somewhat edgy.
2. Her Master had rules for her and if she didn't follow them, she was punished.

All rights reserved by msubelli - Creative Commons

3. The submissive was available to her Master sexually at all times.
4. The submissive had a good, high-paying job outside the home, but when at home her personal role reversed.
5. Her Master pushed her, sometimes out of her comfort zone, but she submitted the best she could.

I'm sure I could come up with other reasons, but hopefully you get the idea.

Now let's answer each point:


1. That's how the submissive wanted it. So she submitted in many areas, not just the bedroom.
2. The submissive knew she had organization and self-control issues so she asked for this.
3. Being available to her Master was part of their contract. Her libido had been low for a while before the book started and she thought it might help her sex life to make this a rule.
4. Again, she wanted it that way. She wanted to give up control to reduce stress.
5. Part of a Master's job is to help their submissive explore. Depending on the contract/communication etc this could mean pushing soft limits, pushing hard limits, requiring that the sub try everything once if the Master thinks she'll enjoy it, etc.

Submissives are not doormats. The power in a D/s relationship ultimately resides with the submissive. They are GIVING the Dominant the power. They can and sometimes do take that power away. And it takes an incredibly strong person to be able and willing to give up that power.

So the next time you read a BDSM book, remember, the submissive is doing it because they want to. Safe, sane, and consensual, people!

-- Cassandra
To learn more about me or my books, visit my website at http://www.booksbycassandracarr.com.

Being a Sub Doesn’t Have To Be a Pain In The Butt

Post by Jan Graham

I often have discussions with friends and other people I meet about BDSM. It just seems to be a topic that comes up around me, especially now with some many people knowing about Fifty Shades. There are two statements that reoccur in many of the conversations. ‘I could never be a sub because I’m not into pain.’ and ‘I could never let a man hit me.’  

 Admittedly a lot of erotic romance does highlight painful pleasure and activities such as spanking. I include those in my novels as well, but the fact remains there are a lot of lifestyle practices that don’t include pain or impact play. For the sake of this post I’m sticking to D/s relationships as SM definitely falls into the pain category. In simple terms, Dominance and submission is about a consensual power exchange. How the exchange manifests is up to the individuals involved. Just like some subs don’t like painful activities, not all Doms like inflicting pain. Punishment doesn’t have to be corporal is D/s relationships and neither do sexual activities.

 

Acts that some people consider a little kinky are in fact based in D/s practices. Being bound, whether it is with a scarf or fluffy handcuffs and tied to a bed or having your body tied with rope in a shibari technique is an act of bondage.  It’s also an act of submission, giving control of your body and what happens next to a dominant partner. And what happens next doesn’t have to include, as some of my friends refer to it, being hit.

Sensation play with the use of feather ticklers, a pinwheel run lightly over sensitive areas of the body, the use of hot and cold substances like wax or ice cubes, being blindfolded and fed by your Dom all require trust and are forms of submission. If anything, these activities are far from painful and can be quite erotic. A Dom and sub engaging in orgasm control (i.e. a sub being denied orgasm, told when to orgasm or being made to orgasm repeatedly) is a popular practice in a lot of D/s relationships and can be achieved without inflicting pain.

 When it comes to discipline most people’s minds immediately go to spanking or other acts of corporal punishment. I like to explain the use of non corporal discipline in a D/s relationship as being similar to how a parent might punish a child without smacking them. The possibilities are endless. A Dom may command his sub to sit in the corner or on a punishment stool. Deny them something they particularly enjoy or require them to do something they don’t enjoy.

 

BDSM doesn’t have to be a pain in the butt and that’s something I like about Dominance and submission, the flexibility of it. There is something for almost everyone. It’s a lifestyle that’s as individual as all of us, whether you’re into pain or not.    

 

For those of you who’d like a titillating example of this form of D/s relationship some are included in my novel, Playing Jax. The books Dom, Steve takes great delight in resisting spanking Rhia, his prospective sub. Instead he engages in erotic acts of dominance to introduce her into the BDSM lifestyle before moving onto the more traditional spanking/impact activities. I hope you enjoy the excerpt below.

Excerpt from Playing Jax by Jan Graham.

 

Steve opened the wooden box and pulled out a razor, filling her with a sense of trepidation. She’d expected a disposable razor like she’d bought to use on her legs and underarms. The old- fashioned cutthroat razor looked like new. The steel caught the light as he unfolded it from the handle to reveal the blade.

“I inherited it from my grandfather.” Rhia gulped nervously, her eyes fixed on the shiny blade. “I will never do anything to endanger you, Rhia. Do you believe me when I say that?” He stroked her curls and tenderly ran his fingers along either side of her pussy lips.

Rhia’s heart pounded, a fragment of fear edging at her mind. She started into his eyes and glanced toward the blade and back again. “I believe you and I trust you. I was just expecting something plastic.”

He chuckled as he bent forward. He kissed her curls lovingly and whispered see you again soon against her mound. She closed her eyes as the razor moved between her legs. He trimmed away the excess hair, the blade never coming near her skin. She opened her eyes when warm water trickled over her sex as he moistened the remaining hair. The water soothed her skin, even as the heat of arousal began to build inside her. He applied the soapy lather to her skin using an old-fashioned shaving brush. Rhia moaned as his fingers moved gently over the area. The impersonal brush discarded, he massaged along the crest of her sex, fingers sliding along either side of her lips.

“You are so beautiful, baby, and so responsive, even to the gentlest of my touches. My cock is pounding in my jeans as I do this for you. It’s so damn hard.”

She watched him wipe his fingers clean of soap and once again pick up the razor. The skin pulled taught beneath his fingers and a shiver thrilled her spine as he removed the first of the hair. He shaved her effortlessly, like he’d done it a million times before.

She began to ache for him, moisture building between her lips. Her nipples peaked beneath her bra, and her breath became shallow as unfamiliar sensations flowed over her. She responded to everything he was doing, the water warming her skin, the creaminess of the soap against her flesh, the tickle of the brush, and then the coolness of the blade as it stroked over her.

“Oh my god, this is so…so…I don’t know what it is. It’s—”

“Erotic,” the word came softly from his lips.

“Erotic,” Rhia breathed the word and the blade of the razor once again slid over her taught skin. She heard the light scraping sound and wanted to sigh. “I don’t understand what’s happening. All you’re doing is shaving me.”

“I’m doing more than that, sweetness.” He kissed her inner thigh. She couldn’t hold back the groan that indicated her overwhelming arousal. “I am tending to your needs. I’m touching your sex. When you look down at me you see me watching the most intimate part of you. Your body’s reacting to the combined memory of what we’ve shared together, my possession of this part of you. The way I’ve stroked you with my fingers, my tongue, and my cock and the pleasure you experience from those acts.”

Rhia felt like she might come just hearing his words. His deep, husky voice sounded so sensual and when he gazed up from between her thighs, his eyes, filled with heated lust, sparkled the deepest shade of blue sapphire. Her pussy clenched at the sight of him. Warm water on the soft washcloth eased away the residual lather that tainted her skin. He cupped her now-naked mound, stroked across her, his long fingers easing between her lips.  

Purchase Playing Jax 

Also available from Amazon and B&N.

Writing Doms

by Cari Silverwood

Well, there you have it – writing AND Doms. Which means fiction. So now you have to decide if you want to appeal to your readers or not…you do? Right. That makes it easier. Doms are just men, of course. Which means IRL they can have just as many daft ideas as any man, or woman. They aren’t perfect, they do lie, they get gas, had acne when they were teenagers, and I’ll bet half of them have left a trail of unhappy women behind them.

But, but buuut, I hear some of you wail, that’s not like my hero Dom. For sure, but fiction is fiction.  Does that mean there are no wonderful men out there in real life who make wonderful Doms? Heck, of course there are. But they still have flaws. They are at their core, simply men who like being in control, sometimes that’s mostly in the bedroom, sometimes not.

But what do you put in your book? You, the author, gets to decide that. When you make any character in a story, you get to throw into the mix what you think you need. When writing a Dom, you just have to make sure they can still be the ideal partner for your heroine if they are the ‘hero’. We need to learn to love our partners, flaws and all. In fact in a story, it can make for so much more tension if you have those flaws to work around and perhaps even cause that black moment.

So what is it that distinguishes a Dom from another alpha male then? Not a lot, in my opinion. Like a lot of human ‘things’ or labels there is a sliding scale. Given sufficient permission by their women, a lot of alpha men would slip into Dom mode.

Certain ingredients will give you a bonafide Dom for your story. A need for control, a positive reveling in the sight of a submissive kneeling and doing as they are told. They will listen to your desires, your needs, the things that turn you on, and then they’ll take those wants of yours and crank up the tension. Safewords are for when the Dom goes just that little too far. But most of the time the submissive revels in obeying because it’s all part of the power exchange.

If you give an average alpha man instructions on what you want to happen beforehand, they may do these things to turn you on. With a Dom, expect that to go a little beyond, or to take a right angle turn into foreign territory. A Dom will like to push you. If they’re sadistic, they like to hear you squeal as well as moan. If they are simply into dominance, they like to see you not just on your knees, but licking your way up their leg to their cock. They want you on the bed with your legs spread, waiting.

An alpha will pin you against a wall and kiss you until you’re breathless. A Dom will step away and tell you to face the wall, clasp your hands together, put your arms above your head and stay there while they undo their trousers. Or maybe you’ll get to undo the zip with your teeth.

If you go too far, if your ‘Dom’ does something really wrong, like ignoring a safeword, or ignoring the feelings of his submissive, you end up with an asshole bully instead. In real life, maybe they can redeem themselves, like the Dom who insisted his submissive kneel despite knee surgery that made it agonizing for her…maybe he redeemed himself. Unlikely though.

So take care how far they go in that story. Make them human beings above all. They can be sexy controlling bastards who give your heroine a million orgasms, but always make them human.

Here’s Leonhardt from my novel, Rough Surrender, showing his Dom side.

                                                                       

The gold cords weighed heavily on her fingers as she went back into the bathroom. Mr. Meisner sat on the chair like a judge waiting for his next case...her. What was he planning? She could tell he meant to unsettle her. Well, no one had ever called her a pushover. She set her jaw.

“Here, Faith.” He held out his hand.

She gave him the cords and saw how he unraveled them while judging her reaction. It was amazing how quickly her pussy heated. All those words for her anatomy, and she sure remembered them. Cunt, cunny, cleft, vagina...dark and dirty, and my, oh, my, she liked this whole thing. Except, maybe, when he went careering off course, like now.

“Your wrist, love.”

Blinking, sure she teetered on a precipice and this dad-blasted man intended to give her a right good shove, she gave him her wrist. He urged her around until she faced away from him then took her other wrist too. Again, with the tying of her hands at her back, and she closed her eyes to savor the odd, yet delicious, want in her for handing him control. Her clitoris swelled, as if it had a mind of its own. She couldn’t help taking a deep breath at the surge of pleasure, at the scattered tingle as places woke and longed for more of his touch.

“Good,” he said, and his hand curved over her bottom, appreciating every inch, or so it seemed. She swayed, and let her tongue tip venture out onto her lip when his hand went between her legs and stayed there, like it belonged in just that place, like he had a right to be there. Oh. Yes.

“Wet,” he murmured. “Now you can kneel.”

With a hand on her elbow to steady her, Mr. Meisner helped her kneel on the towel. Standing over her with his cock an inch away, he carefully twined her hair round and round and anchored his hand within. So firm she might have been in a vice, and with her hands behind her he could do what he wished.

“How does that feel, Faith?” he asked quietly.

She looked up at him and sank into those brown eyes, floating away with the sensation of being dominated. Her tongue and brain were miles from each other. Words and thoughts mired, and tangled. A reply would spoil the moment. She shook her head as much as his grip allowed her to.

“That’s better. Lovely.” He bent down and kissed her long enough to send everything spinning. When he raised himself again, her lips were bruised and her heartbeat erratic.

“I’m going to put my cock in your mouth. Use lips, not teeth. See if you can take it all in, after a while. When I come, you’ll get a mouthful. So don’t be surprised.”

His hand held her even firmer as the head of his cock found her mouth. She opened wide then watched as it glided between her lips. She felt the strange soft, hardness poke along her tongue and then withdraw. A taste like skin, but deeper, richer.

Shutting her eyes let her feel more. She was pleasuring him the same as he’d done to her. His flesh pushed in, invaded her mouth, withdrew.

“Use your tongue,” he murmured. At the huskiness in his voice she risked a glance at his face. Mr. Meisner had a look of utter concentration. She curled her tongue and swirled all along the length as his cock cruised past. In, suck, swirl, out... He drew a long, sibilant breath and sped up the thrusts into her mouth. She twisted her hands in the cord. When she relaxed her throat, he grunted and his hands tightened in her hair. 

Yes, she could do this.

He pulled out and tilted up her head.

What now? She looked back at him while licking the taste off her lips. He chuckled, then bent down, picked her up and slung her over his shoulder. With hands tied behind her and head downward at his back, she could only wriggle.

“Mr. Meisner! Put me down.” She hissed the words through her teeth.

“Don’t move!” he smacked her once on the bottom. The sting shot through her.

“Ow!” But she stilled--landing headfirst on the floor because he’d dropped her seemed unwise. Besides, that smack had hurt.

Four or five strides and he plonked her onto the bed. More pillows were sorted, only this time he set her up with her head down and nearly dangling off the bed.

“I figured we needed you a bit more distracted, my dear. Open your mouth.”

Damnation, what was it this time? She scowled up at him but he inserted his cock into her mouth again. Only this time she felt his hand slipping along her cleft. The way he skated his fingers up and down while he pushed in and out of her mouth made her forget precisely where her tongue was, and soon, altogether which bit was anywhere, except she needed to moan and suck at the same time.

She arched her mound at his mouth or whatever part of him played wet games down there. He was inside her mouth and her pussy at the same time. As his cock forced its way in, so did fingers and tongue. She gasped around him and hummed, tried to spread her legs, clenched and tried to free her hands from where they lay under her back, and couldn’t. The throbbing heat, the slip and juicy slide almost undid her. She tensed, bowing upward as much as she could. With one last thrust, Mr. Meisner stopped with his cock as deep as it would go.

And here’s a little excerpt from Steel Dominance that is on the last few days of rewrites before it goes to my publisher.

Her voice trailed off. “Not…not here…” She pushed at his shoulders only to have him whip his other hand from behind her back, catch both her wrists and hold them to the wall above her head.

“Yes. Here.” Then he watched her as carefully as a bug collector observing a strange new butterfly while he wormed his hand between them and pushed a finger inside her.

Though she’d never seen anyone in this secluded place the possibility was there, and that both horrified and excited her. How perverted am I? No one normal would want this. But her breaths came faster and wetness cascaded from her slit with each in and out slide of his digit. Slowly waves of need stirred—making her shudder. Knowledge thumped into her—he held her pinned, helpless, with her legs spread by his.

She tried again to move her hands, but they might have been cemented there.

It seemed right to protest. “Let me go!”

Dankyo stepped away until her legs slipped from his thighs and she stood straining on tiptoe with her arms above.

“Let you go? Those words again? You know where we are, now. How it is.” Dark amusement colored his voice.  He pulled his finger from her and played with her clit, circling it as if it were a new toy. “Those words don’t work, Sofia. I have your yes. Until you take that away, you are mine. So I can do this.” He added a finger and thrust two of them up into her. “Or this.” The third joined them, sliding, finding its way between her swollen labia, stretching her vagina in an exquisite way.

Her mouth fell open in a gasp.

Without conscious thought, her hips tilted, as if she begged for more.

But I am begging. I want…

Another thrust went straight in full depth until the knuckle of his unburied finger touched her lips and his thumb bumped her clit. Then his hand beneath her shoved her a whole inch up the wall.

“Uh!” She shut her eyes.

She moaned and let herself dangle there, supported by his hand between her legs, her toenails barely scraping the ground. Him fucking her while he observed, and while he knew she was a heartbeat from saying no, made her want this even more.

“That’s…beautiful.” The male baritone depth made her jerk her eyes open.

His eyes narrowed. A smile grew as he surveyed her from her face to her breasts and then downward to where his gaze lingered at the split of her legs where he’d speared inside. More liquid spilled from her over his hand.

“Move,” she croaked, then panted some more, and did a little wiggle as she tested the iron grip on her wrists. Her walls clamped down on the hardness of his fingers.

Dankyo chuckled. “Move?” Then he came closer, covering her struggling body with his. “Be quiet.” As if to punctuate his command, he clamped his teeth on her ear lobe. The sting shocked her into stillness. “You don’t get a say in what I do. Not at all.”
To see my books go here.

Real life BDSM-TOPPING from the bottom by La Crimson Femme

 *note from Bianca Sommerland* I've reposted this from GoodReads with permission from La Crimson Femme. I share the opinion of the author, but keep in mind, this is an opinion. Thanks! :)

This was a question brought up from one of members, questioning about Topping from the bottom and why it's frowned upon. They are new the lifestyle and wanted some guidance.

This is my perspective on it and from personal experience. Please note - I'm going to use bottom and sub a bit interchangeably here even thought there is a difference. I'm also going to use the pronouns he for the Top and she for the sub/bottom. Both of this is for simplicity's sake.

Topping from the bottom is frowned upon in the BDSM community as a whole. (Individually, some may disagree.) It is frowned upon because the bottom is the one calling all the shots and controlling from the bottom.

This is actually a bone of contention among several. I tend to find a few writers creating characters in this manner and presenting it as the BDSM way of life. I don't believe they actually know they are doing it. But the way they set up their characters, the actions speak loudly of it. Some do it on purpose to get a point across. Those that do not, well, I have personally found the said writers have never been in a BDSM lifestyle and don't understand the impact of this type of behaviour.

Sometimes it's people new to the lifestyle scoffing at this point. And above all, I find that the bottoms who are Topping take offense to being told what they are doing is frowned upon. Because it is "all about them" isn't it?

Now why do we consider this behaviour detrimental to the D/s relationship? Here are some of the reasons I know of.


1. This undermines the Top's authority with the bottom ordering the top around. How is this a Dom/sub or Top/bottom relationship if the bottom is the one telling the Top what to do?

2. The lack of respect from the bottom for the Top is distasteful in many of the BDSM lifestylers's eyes. First, the thoughts are the Top obviously doesn't know what he is doing because his bottom is the one calling all the shots. Second, they find the sub to be someone with poor behaviour and self centered because it's all about them. The sub is focusing on her wants and needs. The Top is focusing on her wants and needs. How is this balanced?

A goal of a D/s relationship is for the sub to focus on the desires of Top and the Top to focus on the needs of the bottom. When these meet, it's a beautiful thing.

Now why is this bad? What if the Top is okay with the bottom directing?

Let me ask the question, why does a person want to bottom to begin with? Especially in a D/s relationship?

They want to be the one who doesn't have to call the shots - to live in the "fantasy". If the sub is still in control by calling the shots, how are they going to meet this need of letting go of control?

A common result is the bottom no longer respects the Top in a dominant capacity. This can cause a myriad of downstream effects.

1. The bottom is disrespectful to the Top.
2. The bottom is still not receiving what they wanted in the first place, so they become more unruly and dissatisfied.
3. The Top is also unhappy. They don't know what they are doing wrong. This sometimes causes the Top to question if they want to be in this lifestyle or if they are even a Top. This can spiral into insecurity. When a Top is insecure and not confident, it shows in his Topping actions. His nonverbal and verbal actions come across as tentative which causes the bottom to become more irritated and disrespectful.


Will this kill the D/s relationship? What if our is working just fine? BUTT OUT!

Every relationship is different in the BDSM lifestyle, just as it is in Vanilla. Could this work? I've had a couple of people defend that this is just fine. From my personal experience, it does not work. And when I say personal, I mean ME.

I Topped from below without understanding this when I first tried this lifestyle out. It wasn't pretty. I don't know where that ex-boyfriend is today but I hope I hadn't scarred him for life.

I did exhibit all these behaviours, disrespect, bitchy and mean sarcastic remarks. Not only did it impact our kinky play, but it also impacted our gf/bf relationship. I ended up not respecting him at all and he felt like he was always walking on eggshells around me. Not a good thing. Neither one of us were happy. At the time, I just though, "God, what a fucking pussy. Grow a pair of balls." Now I look back and shake my head at my callousness. I tried to force us into roles that didn't work for us.

In my current situation, I've done the same thing. Not purposely. And it shows. Several of the Dom/mes gave me very disapproving looks in class. My DH was embarrassed and frustrated. I was pissed off. Then I was angry afterwards because I behaved in a shameful way. Let's just say, we haven't gone to another rope class again. And my DH once again backed away from BDSM because of this behaviour. Shame on me!

Still the question may be, well it didn't work fo you, it works for me. F off!

True, this can still work. Let me give another example that may help.

Have you seen those kids who are running all over their parents? "Mommy, I want that NOW!" "Daddy, buy it for me NOW! I want to do it!"

What is your gut reaction when you see kids treating their parents this way and the parents just conceding to the kid's every demand?

On the flip side, what about those parents who just don't have it together? The kids are the ones cleaning the house and working a part time job to help the family have food and shelter. The kid is the one trying to keep the parent from wildly spending money or drinking excessively.

In that situation, who is the parent and who is the child? And how do you feel about this situation? 

For more from La Crimson Femme, visit http://lacrimsonfemme.blogspot.ca/

I'd like to thank La Crimson Femme for letting us share this thoughtful post. Feel free to discuss in the comments, but please keep things civil. I'll see if I can get La Crimson Femme and others with experience to come answer any questions. 

Friends to Lovers - a D/s relationship with friendship at its heart

Some definitions of Dominance/ submission are here

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dominance_and_submission

At its core : "Dominance and submission (also called D&s, Ds, and D/s) is a set of behaviors, customs and rituals involving the giving by one individual to another individual of control over them in an erotic episode or as a lifestyle."

But essentially this is about two people’s own interpretation. Theirs is a simple and beautiful relationship.

This is another true story revolving around how BDSM has helped a marriage. B will tell the story.

So here we go…

Here’s some background about us:

J & I met over 18 years ago, in the end of 1993, the beginning of our junior year of high school. We became best friends right away and He fell in love with me, though I only wanted to be friends. At one point, we tried what I called “friends with a twist” but I soon ended it because I didn’t want to lose His friendship, which I ended up doing anyways. We were barely speaking by graduation (95), saw each other on and off until the last time in (02/97). Fast forward to 10/04, my ex had walked out almost 2 years prior and I was lonely and looking for friends only. I decided to look up J, and found a man who had been in love with me all that time. We’ve been together ever since. Our sex life has never been completely vanilla, from day two (literally) we’ve been open and very sexual with each other. We’ve always had a very very active life, and it even gets more so, even after 7+ years.

I know your marriage has only recently changed to become a D/s relationship, can you tell us what made you begin to consider this? I'm also curious as to whether either of you can recall any feelings or thoughts before this that leaned toward Dominance or submissiveness?

I was the one to bring up D/s to my Husband. I had been into reading some erotica and stumbled upon an author that I really enjoyed the series I was reading (not D/s) so I decided to read all her books and started to read about D/s. the thought of BDSM had always been something that was taboo to me, too off, too much, too weird. But when I learned about D/s on its own, I was intrigued. I especially liked the parts where the sub would sit at her master’s feet, or have her eyes downcast and be kneeling in other parts. After reading for a while, I brought it up to J, about how certain things were turning me on. He was surprised that I liked what I was reading, and asked me more about it. I explained to Him what it meant for a Dominant to take care of His sub, how and why that appealed to me, what I liked about some things that were considered the norm in a D/s relationship.

Looking back now, I can see that in a relationship, I have always preferred to be submissive. I have always tried to put my man first. An example I like to use a lot is that we would play the game “what do you want tonight for dinner? I don’t care, what do you want? Whatever you want. I HATED that, I always have. If I have an opinion, I would state it, otherwise, I truly in my heart wanted to do only what my Husband wanted to do. I wanted to put His needs, His wants, His desires in front of my own. That makes me happiest. I always enjoyed doing little things to make Him happy.

How and why did you begin changing the structure of your marriage. I'd love to know about communication and discussions you may have had because that seems to be a key point mentioned in other marriages like this.

If I remember correctly, our change was slow and subtle at first. At first, neither of us really understood much, I just knew there were things that appealed to me. I didn’t know how to try anything out without saying “do this, try this”. I somehow knew that that was still being in control, which I didn’t want. What I remember once, in the beginning, is when we sat down to watch TV one night, instead of sitting in my usual spot, I brought over a pillow and blanket and sat at His feet. As we sat there and watched some mindless show, He stroked my hair as I laid my head on His leg, and it was the most content I had felt in a long time.

Talking, as we always do, we decided that we wanted to try some D/s in the bedroom only. I trust Him with my whole being and I knew He’d never do anything to hurt me. After assuring Him that I wanted Him to take control of our sex life, He did one day and our sex life exploded. He took over all control sexually. He said when/where/how we would have sex. I wasn’t to ever say no. He did, however, still want me to initiate, but at the time I just enjoyed His lead.

We enjoyed 2 months of sexual D/s with both of us starting to read more about the lifestyle and learning more about it, both together and separately. With each new thing we learned about, we talked about whether we wanted to try it or not. with new things, when we would try it, we would talk about it a few days later after we both were able to reflect on it, and we’d say if it worked or if it didn’t, if it was something we wanted to keep or not. We are completely open with each other and share absolutely everything, so it is easy for us to speak of any and everything. It’s easy for either of us to say “hey, let’s try this” or “what do you think about this” and then we will discuss it, try it and see if we want to keep with it or not.

Soon after, I started wanting more and more. I found myself wanting to let go of all thing and let Him take control. I had taken care of things for so long, since my ex had left, and I was tired of carrying around all the worries and all the stress. I just wanted to let go and not stress anymore. In July, He decided to take that control, and we entered a 24/7 D/s Lifestyle.

Can you see yourselves continuing your marriage in the same way in the future?

Oh yes. I think this is a lifestyle change for us. It’s who we are now, not what we do. We’ve always had a slight element of it, looking back, in our relationship. It’s natural and comfortable to us. Our D/s seems to be a little bit different of a dynamic than what we see others in, even other 24/7 couples. I’m unsure if this is because we knew each other and were married, then grew into our kink together, or if it’s just because we’re weird.

For us, our D/s relationship means He’s in charge. He makes all decisions, in and out of the bedroom. But I am always able to speak my mind. If He wants sex, but I’m not feeling well, I can tell Him. He makes the decision on what we will do or not do, but more often than not, He’ll respect that I’m not up to par and He’ll wait. We are equals in every way. I have chosen to give up my control in all things, but He still wants me to be me. He does not micromanage me. I am able to do what I want, when I want, with the exception of orgasms (He controls those at all times). There are times that He will give me something specific to do, and I like those times, as it’s a little extra way of Him exerting His dominance. I only have 3 rules, trust Him, obey Him, and cannot cum without His permission. He takes care of the big things, He works to pay the bills, He carries the big stress and worries. I do the little things to take care of Him. I have dinner ready or near ready when He comes in. I have the place cleaned. I set out His clothes, and will start His shower. I anticipate His needs and try to do or get things before He asks for them. I’m here for Him to take sexually, whenever He wants. I’m His.

Is there any advice you'd give other couples?

The advice I would give other couples is to be completely open in EVERYTHING with your partner. I’m always saddened when I see people posting places that they are unable, in whatever way, be it shyness or fear or whatever, to share their fantasies and desires with their partner. I don’t understand it, though I previously was in that kind of relationship myself. Now that I’ve been with my Husband, I don’t know how I ever managed like that. He and I share everything. If it’s a random thought in my head, I share it. We talk, pretty much nonstop. We are always talking, sharing, just being together and being close. There’s a community that I go to, and there are people there saying that they are bored with sex after 2 years, or even just a few months. It is a shame to me. We are 7 years in and still going strong. We are hornier now than ever for each other. Sex is always wonderful, fresh and new, each time.

Just to put their story in perspective here is an extra message B sent me after I read her story because she was worried about whether she'd written enough.

I kept trying and trying to make it better. I just don't feel like I do us justice, because we are just so amazing. lol. Our sex life and love life are just really out of a fairy tale. Our "real" life hasn't been kind and it's amazing the things we've survived and we thrive through. It’s hard to really get the pureness of what we share. It’s pretty awesome. :)

A link to a good information site about BDSM http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html

I'm an author who is (obviously) fascinated by BDSM. My website: http://www.carisilverwood.net/

Wicked Wednesday: Negotiation Scene in Nobody's Angel

Welcome to another Wicked Wednesday with an exclusive excerpt from debut author Kallypso Masters, who shares a glimpse into how she works the art of negotiation into her more realistic BDSM romances.

 
One of the most important tools in a BDSM couple's repertoire--and sometimes the sexiest--is the art of negotiation. Maybe that's because the hottest sex organ is the brain, but it's not easy for everyone to talk about sex, fantasies, wants, needs, desires, limits--especially when they think their fantasies are a bit kinkier than their partner will accept or will want to try.

Listening without judging is a great way to encourage a partner to discuss what she or he wants to try. A little humor (if you aren't laughing AT someone, but just teasing a bit to coax more out of them) can help, as well. 

The Wikipedia entry on "Negotiation" states:

In the BDSM community, negotiation is a form of communication where participants make arrangements on each others' requirements, responsibilities, and limits to find the best possible agreement.

Activity within BDSM relationships requires trust, openness about most practices that may include risks. On the other hand, partners have certain needs which should be clearly defined in order to be properly satisfied. In this regard, negotiation is essential part not only when parties were not familiar with each other but also in case when partners have long-term relationships. [Much more information at this site on Negotiation.]

I love writing negotiation scenes in my BDSM erotic romances more than the sex scenes sometimes (even though I am told I write really hot, tender sex scenes, as well). But I'm all about writing the emotions of the relationship and sometimes it's much harder to bare your innermost needs and desires than it is to bare your body. (In fact, the scene excerpted below takes place several orgasms into the story Nobody's Angel. You see, negotiation doesn't end with one or two conversations at the beginning of the relationship or scene. It's also good to talk about the scene afterward to determine what worked, didn't work, and how the couple might want to try things the next time.) 

When a couple (or multiples) bring humor to the bedroom (or wherever they happen to be having their negotiations), it's just the cherry on top, in my opinion. I'm fascinated listening in on these conversations and seeing how they begin to get to know each other, find out what excites them about each other, learn what they'd like to try--or not try--sexually, and so on. 

Excerpt Setup: Sweet, overprotected Angelina has had a bad experience with BDSM where her trust was shattered and her safe word ignored, so Marc D'Alessio, at whose BDSM club the incident occurred, is trying to show her she shouldn't ignore her sexually submissive side. She just needs to find a responsible Dom who will earn her trust and treat her as she should have been treated. (Of course, he isn't interested in anything long-time. This is the former "Master Marco," after all, who looks at women as being laid out on his own private smorgasbord.) But for this one night, he has agreed to be Angelina's Dom to show her how BDSM can be with the right Dom/Top.

In this scene, Angelina reveals both a hard limit, as well as something she would like to experience that she witnessed at the Masters at Arms club before her abusive Dom shattered her trust and killed her fledgling interest in BDSM. As it turns out, Marc, her Dom for the night, is very happy to hear that's a limit, one he shares (even though he's still in denial about their relationship going beyond this night). She does not know that Marc was the Dungeon Monitor Supervisor who rescued her at the club or that he co-owners the club.

Excerpt from a Negotiation Scene from
Nobody's Angel (Rescue Me, Book #2)

Angelina’s heart thudded against her chest. What had possessed her to tell him something like that?

“Oh, cara. I can’t tell you how sorry I am that happened to you.” He held her tightly, placing his chin on the top of her head and enveloping her in his strength and warmth.

“Let’s put that fantasy and bad memory on the back burner for now. Tell me about another fantasy. One you haven’t experienced yet. Perhaps something you’ve read about…or even seen.”

“Um, there was this one time when…I was at a private club in Denver.”

“What kind of private club?”

Oh, she didn’t want to admit she’d gone to a kink club. “Um, one where adults…couples mostly…do...things to each other.”

“Just what kinds of things do they do?” She could have sworn by his voice he was smiling, but didn’t want to pull away from his comforting arms to confirm her suspicions. Just what did he find so funny?

She sighed. “Well, pretty much anything you can imagine.”

“I can imagine a lot, pet.”

Oh, damn it all, apparently the man had never been inside one before. He was going to think she was a slut, but obviously, she was going to have to tell him now. He was like a dog with a bone. “Promise you won’t think badly of me?”

“It’s rather difficult for me to promise when I don’t know what you’ve done yet.”

Well, what did she expect, unconditional love from a near stranger? One who happened to be cuddling her on his lap on the edge of her bed? Oh, Nonna. I hope you aren’t watching! Angelina decided to just spit it out.

“I…We were…in a kink club.” She held her breath and steeled herself.

“Ahhh, I see. What was it like?”

He certainly didn’t seem to be judging her. But he wanted her to talk about it? Oh, God. This just got worse and worse on the embarrassment scale.

“I didn’t see much.”

She realized she’d unbuttoned his shirt and her fingers played idly with the springy chest hairs in the vee of his shirt. She didn’t want him to think she’d gone to a sleazy one, though. “It seemed like a nice place. Karla, she was the club’s singer, was very kind to me after…well, later. She brought me home. And the club’s owner, Master Adam, was very nice, too.”

His hand stopped stroking her hair. “Were there any other nice people you met there?”

“No. Mostly I just watched.”

After a moment, his hand began stroking her again, but she felt tenseness in his body. Maybe he was judging her.

“What did you see?”

“There were several couples in the great room who were engaging in different…activities.”

“Which activities interested you?”

Her mind returned to the main room of the club where one of the Doms had caught her attention while Allen was filling out guest papers on her. The Dom wore a Harley-Davidson jacket with the tail of a dragon tattoo curled around his bicep, the rest of the mythical creature disappearing under the vest. Very lethal looking—both the dragon and the man, who held a coiled whip against his leather-clad thigh.

“There was a Dom with a whip.” She felt Marc’s body tense even more, but wasn’t sure if it was the mention of the Dom or the whip that bothered him. Well, he asked, so she was going to tell him what she liked. “Kneeling before him was a blonde woman who looked up at him adoringly, waiting for him to do…well, whatever he wanted to do, I suppose.” The man had a whip, for Christ’s sake!

“Did the whip excite you?”

She pulled out of his arms, bumping his chin against her head in her haste to get away, but she wasn’t going to let him get the notion she was into whips. “God, no! Don’t even go there!”

He relaxed visibly and smiled. “Duly noted, gattina.”

Angelina felt the tension leave her, as well, and took a deep breath, releasing it slowly. He seemed as relieved as she was, although she had no idea why.

“So, tell me what it was about the Dom/sub that interested you so much.”

She blushed. It was pretty lame as far as fantasies went, but she’d been so turned on by the two. “He put his middle finger deep into her mouth and, with the other fingers and the thumb of his hand, he…I guess you’d say caged her chin, forcing her mouth open.” Angelina felt herself getting wet just remembering. She shrugged and smiled.

“Do you know what it was about the scene that excited you?”

She shook her head. “I’m not sure. It just did.”

She lowered her gaze to his bare chest where her fingers were buried in the light sprinkling of his black chest hairs. She liked touching him. He waited, expecting more of an answer, she supposed.

“The woman’s expression was…well, she looked up at him with such, I don’t know the word—adoration maybe? Devotion? Trust?” She swallowed. “Or maybe it was the way he took control of her mouth like that. Of her.” She shivered. “I don’t know, but it blew me away.”

Marc’s gaze went to her mouth and Angelina’s clit throbbed in response as if he’d taken control of her mouth the way the tatted Dom had done with the blonde at the club. She squirmed on his lap. Her gaze locked on his mouth. She wanted him to kiss her again, only rougher than he’d kissed her last night.

 

Kallypso Masters' first two books in the Rescue Me series are available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Smashwords, All Romance e-Books, Kobo, and coming soon to BookStrand. You can find Kally online at:

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