Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from all of us here at the Playroom. May your day be filled with love, light, joy, blessings, and peace. Please celebrate safely, and here's a kinky Christmas video for your enjoyment. :)




Monday, December 24, 2012

It's beginning to look a lot like...

...cold and flu season. At least in my house. I picked up a bug I've been fighting for several days, and yesterday it decided to settle in. I think it's a cold, but figures, the one year I put off getting my flu shot and I get sick. So forgive me for taking the easy route today. LOL Besides, with my gargoyle home for the holidays, preparations for hosting Christmas dinner tomorrow, and a looming book deadline (yes, Tony's story is almost done) there's not a lot of kinky stuff going on in our home right now.

In fact, the kinkiest thing we've done lately was use a vibrator...on the fibro knots built up in my shoulder. (Now THAT'S kinky.)

RomanceUniversity.org has a great post today about Everything You Wanted to Know About Christmas, But Were Afraid to ask. (Although contrary to what it says, I would not recommend eating your Christmas tree. A lot of vendors spray paint theirs to keep them green long after their natural color has gone brown.)

D.C. McMillen has a sex toy that's gone rogue. (I hope it turns up before Christmas company arrives...)

Bayard & Holmes, those same people who offered great deals on their post-apocalyptic management services and tactical holiday products, also have a serious column about coping with holiday cheer in the face of loss.

* * *

I've got a new book coming in January from Siren-BookStrand, It's a Sweet Life, a standalone prequel in my Coffeeshop Coven menage series. If you haven't read my book Out of the Darkness yet, it's also a standalone prequel to the series.

My latest release was Out of Bight, Out of Mind, the fourth installment in my Deep Space Mission Corps series.

And Tony's story (The Denim Dom) that I'm working to finish, will also follow up with characters from The Reluctant Dom, Domme by Default, Safe Harbor, and Cardinal's Rule. So if you haven't read any of those books yet, you can kill some waiting time catching up there.

Happy Holidays!

(You can find Tymber on the web at http://www.tymberdalton.com, on Facebook at http://facebook.com/tymberdalton, and on Twitter at http://twitter.com/TymberDalton.)


Monday, December 17, 2012

Some basics for those of you who are new around here...

In the past we've done some "BDSM for Beginners" posts, but I don't remember seeing one in a while, so I thought I'd do one for those of you who haven't been with us as long. First, for a HUGE list of terms related to BDSM, this is a great site: http://bdsmcafe.com/resource/glossary/gloss-x.html.

Now, for furniture -- if you're going to go that far -- The Stockroom is a good place to start. Besides furniture, they have tons of other stuff too, but I found their explanations of the different apparatuses to be straightforward and easy to understand: http://www.stockroom.com

Implements. If you're going to do BDSM, you'll need some type of implements. Whether you're doing impact play, sensation play or something else, don't go buying any old thing. Buy quality. How do you know the products are quality? When they come from places like: http://www.cane-iac.com or http://www.thelondontanners.com (for those kinksters in the UK or people who don't mind paying higher shipping costs for quality goods.

And clothing...sure, you can wear whatever you want. It's not like the BDSM police are going to come and take away your kinkster card if you play in sweats and a tank top. But sometimes it's fun to get dressed up, especially if you like things like role playing. Since there are TONS of places to buy clothing you can use in BDSM play, I'm not going to list any here. But I will say this. Make sure it fits, it's not cutting circulation, and that you're not allergic to it. You laugh, but there's a lot of latex out there in the kink world.

A word about bondage, which is one common place start to explore kink. Sure, you can buy a pair of fuzzy handcuffs at your local sex shop and go for it, but you're going to tie up your submissive, you should definitely check out Two Knotty Boys at http://www.beknotty.com/wiki/index.php?title=FAQ_about_Rope_By_Dan_of_the_Two_Knotty_Boys. They'll tell you what you need to know about bondage so you don't hurt anybody.

Reading. It's not a bad idea to read some books before you really get into this lifestyle. A few good ones are SM 101 by Jay Wiseman and The Loving Dominant by John and Libby Warren. Both can be found on Amazon. etc.

Lastly, join FetLife - but be careful. http://www.fetlife.com

--Cassandra

Friday, December 14, 2012

Deanna Wadsworth: Three Frenches with Jensen Ackles!

Just for Fun - the 12 Days of sex-mas from Deanna Wadsworth.
Deanna Wadsworth: Three Frenches with Jensen Ackles!: On the Third Day of Sex-Mas, Deanna brought to me....Three Frenches with Jensen Ackles!!!! And all via the talented , awesome and someti...

Monday, December 10, 2012

The tricks and treats of changing titles

Today, my book Master Class released. I'm really excited about it, but I thought you guys might like to a little behind-the-scenes look at some of the things that go on before a book is published.

Loose Id put out their holiday submissions call in August (they have to do it that far in advance to have the books ready by December) and I decided to write another story for it. Last year I wrote Caught, which was successful beyond my wildest dreams, and I wanted to try my hand at BDSM again.

I sent in a proposal, and Loose Id contracted the book. *whoa* That was the first time I'd ever had a book accepted on proposal. Very cool, but also very pressure-filled. So then, in ten days I wrote the 45k first draft. It was crazy. This book was literally pulled out of me. That had never happened before either.

As I was writing, I knew one of the major themes of the book was how Ryan discovers BDSM and how much he enjoys it. The title "Awakening" came to me and I thought it was perfect. In late August I turned Awakening in at around 47k.

My editor emailed me a few weeks later and said, "We're all set, but we need to change the title." Uh-oh. I've had titles changed a few times - every author has, but what to change it to? I loved Awakening! But another Loose Id book about a year ago had a similar title, so I had to give it up.

I turned to my critique partners, and between Annabeth Albert and I, we came up with Master Class. Ryan is a college professor, so "class" seemed appropriate, and of course he's a new Dom. His sub doesn't call him Master, but Sir Class doesn't quite have the same ring. Plus, there's an actual thing in college called a Master Class, so that fit too. We suggested it to Loose Id, they loved it, and Master Class was born!

Here's the blurb and an excerpt from Master Class:


Ryan Tomasi feels like a failure. His marriage is officially over; the ink dried on the divorce decree. His friend Jack introduces him to BDSM and he agrees to attend a Halloween party at a club. A submissive approaches him, offering herself, and how can he refuse the kneeling beauty? They do a whirlwind scene and Ryan is addicted—both to dominance and to her.

Lisette Rinaldo is returning to the BDSM club for the first time since ending a bad relationship with her former master. She spots Ryan and is taken by the combination of self-assurance and nervousness the man displays as he takes in his surroundings. And after he gives her an incredible re-introduction to the lifestyle, she knows she needs to see the man again.

Ryan and Lisette explore each other and the lifestyle, but what started out as playtime quickly evolves into something more. The problem? Ryan isn’t ready to get serious again and Lisette doesn’t want to fall in love with a guy who can’t give all of himself to her. Both of them are going to have to break out of the bonds holding them back from happiness.

EXCERPT:
“What the fuck is an acceptable costume to wear to a Halloween party at a BDSM club?” Ryan Tomasi muttered aloud to himself. He did that a lot these days, since he lived alone after his recent divorce. “Sheesh.”
From his Internet research, he knew people who practiced BDSM—the term “practice” cracked him up every time—already dressed in some pretty outrageous outfits. Between the leather daddies and the pony play, as well as the other strange getups he’d seen online, Ryan wasn’t sure what to think. Full-body latex encasement? He shuddered.
But one thing was clear. He couldn’t keep fucking random women and feel good about it or himself. The whole mess had started after Ryan’s now ex-wife had blindsided him with divorce papers about a year ago, saying she didn’t love him anymore. The fact he’d loved her and had wanted to work on the marriage apparently wasn’t good enough, and Ryan found himself living in a rented house with nothing but his recliner and a futon to sleep on. Over the past year, he’d done what he could to rebuild his life, and now it was time to take the next step.
Ryan needed to find someone for more than a one-night stand and, it seemed, someone who wanted to submit to him, since he’d found he really liked some of this BDSM stuff, especially the dominating side. He felt like a fool on the bar scene, and he really wasn’t a one-night-stand kind of guy, though that had been his MO lately. He’d never even known there was a whole formal “thing” like BDSM until his friend Jack, a fellow professor at the college where Ryan taught English literature, had asked one day, while Ryan was lamenting his pathetic sex life, if he’d ever engaged in any BDSM activities. Ryan had been taken aback, to say the least. He’d thought that kind of thing was limited to porn. Real people didn’t get kinky like that, did they? Hell, he’d gotten married at twenty-two and had been with his ex-wife for almost fifteen years. It appeared he didn’t know shit about sex—kinky sex scene in particular.
Ryan had been shocked when Jack offered to let Ryan see what his submissive, Callie, and Jack did in some of their “scenes” so that Ryan could get a feel for what domination was all about. Jack didn’t allow any actual intercourse or other sexual contact between him and Callie when they got together, which Ryan totally understood, so there was a little bit missing from what he wanted to experience after reading how great the sex could be.
But just watching the way Jack dealt with Callie, and then having the opportunity to try a bunch of things out himself during subsequent play sessions with the two of them, had given Ryan a light at the end of what had been a very dark tunnel since the ex had walked out on him. He believed he’d finally found what he was looking for; what he’d been missing his entire life. The high from a woman submitting to him was the most natural, yet most powerful thing he’d ever felt, and Callie wasn’t even his submissive. What would that feel like?
Shaking out of his reverie, Ryan decided reinforcements were in order and called Jack. “Hey, man.”
“What’s up?”
“Am I interrupting anything?” He was almost afraid to ask.
Jack laughed. “If you’re asking me if Callie is tied up somewhere waiting for me to fuck her six ways to Sunday, no, you’re not interrupting anything. That’s later.”
“TMI, dude, TMI. Anyway, I need help.”
“You need a lot more than help.”
“Yeah, yeah. Seriously, I need to know what a Dom should wear to this Halloween party.”
“Uh, clothes? Usually only the submissives are naked.”
“Are you going to help or not? You’re the one who said I should go to this.” Ryan knew Jack was just messing with him, but as this Halloween party was his “coming out” of sorts as a Dom, he didn’t want to make a fool of himself.
“All right. I’ll take pity on you. What types of costumes are you looking at? What will make you feel comfortable?”
Ryan snorted. “Not sure anything can do that. I’m nervous as hell.”
“Remember, a Dom needs to portray an air of confidence. If you don’t, no sub is going to trust you enough to play with you.”
“I know. And by the time I get there, I’m sure I’ll be a lot calmer. I’ve been pretty good when I’ve played with Callie, haven’t I?”
Ryan could practically see the smirk on Jack’s face.
“Yeah, but I was there too. She knows better than to disobey me and that I would keep the play safe. Goes back to that trust issue. Plus, you didn’t have any sexual contact or anything that might’ve freaked you out. Speaking of that, you got your medical test results, right?”
“Yeah. Sent them to the club the other day.”
“Good. They won’t let you in unless you can prove you’re clean. Now, back to the costume. How about something easy like a police officer or a soldier? Some take-charge type of thing would be fitting.”
“Oh, I like the idea of a soldier.” Soldiers were powerful, respected—everything Ryan thought a Dom should project. It was the perfect costume to convey the image he wanted during his first public play. Ryan quickly typed that into the search engine of the costume store. “Awesome. They have a pretty cool one.”
“See how simple it is, once you’re not freaking out? I know this is all new and a little scary for you, but remember, kinksters are people too.”
“Yeah, yeah. You guys are going to be there, right?”
“Of course. I wouldn’t let you go into the big, bad world of BDSM all by yourself. Also, I’m your sponsor, so you can’t get in without me anyway this first time.”
“Okay, cool. See you then. And thanks for talking me off the ledge.”
“Anytime.”
Jack hung up, and Ryan looked over the costume specs. It had a camouflage shirt and pants, along with a set of dog tags. He had black boots already for when he did stuff around the house. Though he wasn’t imposing by any means at five-nine and one-eighty, he wasn’t tiny either. Hopefully the costume would make him look like a bit of a badass. He flexed his bicep. Maybe allow him to show off the muscles he was just starting to develop with regular workouts at the gym over the past several months.
* * * *
On Halloween night Ryan dressed in his costume and drove to the club. Jack and Callie were waiting just inside the doors, and when Jack saw him approach, he spoke to the bouncer, who waved Ryan through without a word. Jack was clad as Zorro, and Callie’s dress, if you could call it that, was liberally scored with slashes. It looked more like a bunch of black bandages than anything else, and Ryan wondered how long Jack would allow her to remain clothed. If he knew Jack—and he felt he did after playing with him several times and spending hours talking to him about BDSM and a whole host of other topics—not long.
He wasn’t sure what was appropriate to say to Callie, so he forced his gaze away from her and greeted Jack, who grinned.
“You can tell her she looks hot. It’s not like you’ve never seen her naked.”
Ryan smiled, relaxing. He pivoted back to her. “You look hot, Callie.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“Shall we?”
Jack gestured toward the door at the end of the short hall, and Ryan could hear a bass beat pounding from the other side. He nodded, swallowing thickly. Ryan needn’t have worried, though. As soon as he stepped into the room and looked around, his nerves settled.
I’m home.
The people around him were engaged in all manner of things, but even a cursory glance at the various scenes playing out before him made him finally feel like he was normal. He wasn’t a freak for wanting sex and control like this, despite what his ex-wife had said when he’d suggested some pretty mild stuff to spice up their sex life.
“What do you think?” his friend shouted over the music.
“It’s fucking perfect.” Ryan couldn’t have kept that note of awe out of his voice even if he’d tried.
Jack laughed. “I figured you’d say that. I’ll give you a tour, but we need to do one thing first.”
“What’s that?”
“Lose the shirt. You’ll look way more Dom-ish without it.”
“Dom-ish?” Callie repeated with a chuckle.
“You behave before I decide to leash you,” Jack threatened. “Or maybe we can give Ryan here some more practice with that paddle you hate so much.”
She looked down. “Whatever would please you, Master.”
“Seeing your beautiful ass bright red and ready to be fucked would please me greatly, but we need to babysit Ryan for a bit longer before we can play.”
Ryan pulled off his shirt and stuffed it into his brand-new toy bag. Who would’ve thought a duffel bag he got at an academic conference would come in handy to hold the instruments of pain and pleasure he’d spent a small fortune on?
He followed Jack through the club as the other man pointed out the public play area, the theme rooms, and the staircase to the private rooms upstairs. Then they all went to the bar, which served no alcohol so as to keep the clubgoers sober for play, as Jack explained in answer to Ryan’s puzzled question. They procured soft drinks—drinks were included in the price of the membership—and found a comfy couch that was close enough to the public play area that Ryan had a good view of several scenes taking place. Jack and Ryan sat, and Callie settled on a cushion in front of her Dom.
“That girl,” Jack said, pointing to a submissive tied to a St. Andrew’s cross as a man whipped her from thighs to shoulders, “is a hard-core masochist. As you can see, she’s not wearing a collar, so she’s not owned, but stay away from her. Until you get more comfortable with impact play, all you’ll do is frustrate both of you.”
Ryan nodded, forcing himself not to wince as the man laid another welt on her ass.
“That one,” his friend continued with a jerk of his head at another submissive, “is a horrible topper-from-the-bottom. She’s definitely not a good fit for you as a beginner. I’m not really sure why any Dom would play with her. It would drive me batty to have a sub questioning my every order.”
Jack dismissed a few more for one reason or another as they sipped their beverages. There weren’t a ton of subs running around without collars, and Ryan was beginning to believe none of them would pass Jack’s muster.
“She’s a pretty one,” Jack remarked, and Ryan followed his gaze. He nearly swallowed his can of soda pop whole. Pretty didn’t begin to describe the woman. She was a few inches shorter than him, from what he could tell in his current position, and had enough meat on her bones to be curvy. If he was going to be tying a woman up and fucking the hell out of her, he wanted to be sure her ribs wouldn’t crack at the slightest provocation.
Her long brown hair was piled on top of her head, leaving the slim column of her neck exposed. Ryan loved to nibble on women’s necks, and if he had this one restrained, he’d happily spend hours torturing her in that spot. She was wearing what looked like a harem girl outfit, with a jeweled bra and flouncy, gauzy pants. From the looks of things, Ryan was pretty sure she was naked underneath them.
Jack had been speaking with Callie but straightened up. “Callie said her name is Lisette, and she’s an experienced submissive who hasn’t been to the club as far as Callie knows since her split with her Dom a while back. She’s not owned, as you can see from the fact she’s not collared. The lack of a collar doesn’t always mean a sub is not owned, but at open parties like this, all owned submissives must be collared. As you know,” he continued with a grin in Callie’s direction, “some of us can be possessive bastards, and it cuts down on potential problems.”
“Makes sense,” Ryan murmured. His friend’s eyes suddenly widened a little in anticipation, and Ryan turned in the direction of his gaze.
“Hey, do you mind if we go take advantage of that spanking bench? At these parties, equipment doesn’t stay empty long.”
“No, go ahead.”
Jack helped Callie up and landed a hard swat on her ass. “Go get it for us, pet. I’ll be right over.” He turned to Ryan. “Feel free to watch us or anyone else. We should be back within a half hour or so. Callie’s been naughty lately and needs a good dose of the belt.”
Winking, he walked away, and Ryan laughed. Before Jack had agreed to bring Ryan here for public play, he’d insisted on several private sessions at the house he and Callie shared, so Ryan knew Callie’s favorite implement was the belt. He doubted she would be too upset if Jack used it tonight.
A completely naked woman, save for a collar, came by and took their empty soda cans. Ryan gave her a small smile but kept his attention focused on the scenes unfolding around him. Jack was busy tying Callie to the spanking bench, and the masochistic woman was still being whipped—Ryan couldn’t hold back his wince this time at a particularly hard strike—and a male submissive was going to town on his Mistress’s pussy like he was mining for gold. Turning away from them, he saw a female submissive strapped to what Jack had called a bondage table with cane marks decorating her ass in perfectly spaced lines and her Dom’s dick in her mouth. He’d never tried caning, but it looked interesting, if a little scary. Hell, almost everything looked interesting right now.
Ryan continued to watch as Jack bared Callie’s ass and started out lightly flicking the belt across it. He’d explained to Ryan how important it was to warm the bottom up by bringing the blood to the surface to prevent bruising, and Ryan had spent long hours in the past couple of weeks practicing with a pillow and the strap he’d ordered along with the other stuff Jack had said he’d need to be able to play. The club had a nice selection of implements lined up on the walls of the public play area, but Jack had recommended he get used to his own so he didn’t make a mistake and hurt a submissive.
He was just about to rise and make his way back to the bar when he caught movement out of the corner of his eye. The submissive Callie had called Lisette knelt directly in front of him, a bottle of water laid on her upturned palms. Ryan raised an eyebrow.

Copyright 2012, Cassandra Carr

Buy link: http://www.loose-id.com/master-class.html

My links:
Website: http://www.booksbycassandracarr.com
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/AuthorCassandraCarr
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/cassandra_carr


BDSM Facts & Fallacies: Free-ranging subbies.

I'm going to do a series of quickie posts inspired by questions I get so frequently (or see others ask elsewhere) that they're practically turning into BDSM tropes. Unfortunately, the fact that they're so often used in BDSM fiction doesn't help shine light on the reality.

Today's topic: Free-ranging submissives

What do I mean by that?

Stop me if you've heard/seen this in a book before. A female submissive somehow accidentally (or on purpose) stumbles into a private BDSM club. Because there's no collar on her neck, some big, bad Dom (good guy or villain) grabs her and starts playing with her even if she's said no.

For starters, that's assault, not consensual BDSM play.

Secondly, the private clubs I've been to require membership, and usually have an outer lobby or office area you must pass through to check in. To join, it's commonly required you either have to be sponsored by someone who is already a member of good standing of the club, or you have to attend either an orientation class during non-play hours, or attend a sponsored munch or other event so they can get to know the prospective member.

Thirdly, the private clubs I've been to have dungeon monitors (DMs) on staff to watch play, and if a safeword is called out, they WILL step in and stop play. If they don't, someone else will. (If players are doing a heavy or consensual non-consent (CNC) scene, they will notify the DMs in advance so that their play is not interrupted, but the submissive will still have a safeword, usually.) It's common for the "dungeon" safeword to be RED, and if it's called out and play isn't stopped, people will step in to stop play.

I've been to fetish nights held at a bar, where the public is allowed in (provided they pay a cover charge). But these events usually include extra security, DMs, or bouncers who will also step in if someone yells something appearing to be a safeword.

You can also ask staff if they could introduce you to someone willing to mentor you, or at least talk to you for the night, or who could help answer your questions. All you have to do is ask.

I know a lot of submissives that go to events and don't wear collars. Yes, it's common for someone to come up and talk to a person, but dragging them off to play? No. All you have to do if you're asked to play is say, "Sorry, no thanks." If the person keeps bugging you, tell them to fuck off. If that doesn't work, find a DM/staffer and tell them what's up, and I can pretty much guarantee you the asshat will be escorted out.

If you're at a private play party at a home, keep in mind that someone taking the risk to host a play party is not going to risk getting sued or arrested later. So if someone screams a safeword, someone WILL step in, if nothing else to ascertain what the frak is going on. The private play parties I go to, everyone at the very least knows each other, and if something happens, more than one person will step in.

So feel free to check out a local dungeon or fetish event. You're not going to get dragged into a play scene you don't want to be in, and you won't be sold or auctioned off or whatever. Remember that fiction is FICTION and frequently bears little to no resemblance to real life.

Feel free to chime in with your comments, or any questions you'd like to see answered in future posts.

* * *

My latest release is "Out of Bight, Out of Mind," the fourth installment in my Deep Space Mission Corps series. You can find it and my other Siren-BookStrand releases under all my pen names at:

http://www.bookstrand.com/tymber-dalton


The correct reading order for the series is:

1) Love at First Bight
2) Bightmares
3) Spider Bight
4) Out of Bight, Out of Mind


Also, the first book in my Bleacke Shifter series, "Bleacke's Geek," is available on my website, Kindle, Nook, AllRomanceEbooks, Smashwords, and Kobo. You can find all the links HERE.

I have a chat list now, too! http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TymbersTrybe/

And you can find me on the web at:

http://tymberdalton.com
http://twitter.com/TymberDalton
http://facebook.com/tymberdalton
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TymberDalton_updates/
https://plus.google.com/118382222849341409443/

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Inside the mind of a submissive man

When I asked for topics you guys wanted to see on this blog, one that came up was how a submissive man thinks/feels, etc. I thought that would be fascinating, and a friend offered to ask two of her friends who are submissive (at times -one is actually a switch) a bunch of questions. Here are the questions and the guys' answers. I want to thank both of them for their incredible candor and insight.


1. It seems like many people envision women being submissive and men being dominant. You're a male submissive. What do you think sets you apart from men who are dominant?

ANSWER: As a switch who bottoms/subs to women, I think what sets me apart from a male dominant is a willingness to accept that I don't have to be in control all the time. The times I can take control and work my will on someone are great, but that doesn't have to be all the time for me. I can give the drivers seat over and feel fine about it, in certain instances.

ANSWER: First off, I do not consider myself a "male submissive". Beyond my parents (and we have all submitted to 'them" at one time or another) I have never submitted to anyone but my one and only Mistress. I have long lived as the god of my own universe, captain of the ship of me, and as such have never sought out anyone to take over those duties and responsibilities. Yet, since the age of 8 or so, I've had sexually charged fantasies about being overwhelmed by bossy, arrogant, dominant women. 
I kept that side of myself hid for so many years, and finally had to experience it so I could keep growing as a person. I met the woman who became my Mistress my first night at a club, and we soon fell in love, and decided to form a life together. She is the only one I ever submit to, so that is an exception in my life, and remains so. I should add that my sub-ness is entirely connected to sex, and sexual energy for me. So I am very much a role player who ended up in a 24/7 D/S relationship cuz of love. 
Recently I have discovered I am a switch. A girl I know and am close to inspires this side of me, and for the first time I have been truly experimenting with being dominant, and am enjoying its reality in myself. Does this mean I am now a Dominant male? No, the fact that I do it with one person does not warrant such a broad all-encompassing term, the same way submitting to one person does not warrant calling myself "submissive". I can go to these places when the chemistry is right with the right people. 
As for a difference between myself and dominant males - my experience so far has shown me that many who identify as dominant often live with the frustration of feeling relatively impotent in other areas, disrespected, weak, having to eat other people's shit, etc. They turn to others who desire to be, or identify as submissive to help work thru these issues, and to feel a kind of power over another human being they rarely if ever can get anywhere else. So the distinguishing quality is not being dominant per se, but the NEED to feel, and be, dominant.
Many who identify as submissive, on the other hand (and this characterizes how I see myself, too) feel very much in control of their daily lives, exercise direction, responsibility, even authority, and therefore want to feel the voluptuous pleasure of laying that down, giving it to another (power exchange) and feeling it turned upon them. 
A supreme form of general confidence allows me to overcome any fear that might stand in the way of me doing this - giving power to another person. In this case, my Mistress. In a nutshell, submissives to me often seem more relaxed and confident in a general sense than many dominants, who are often concerned with questions of power and perception and having to live up to an ideal.

2. Are there differences you can see between male and female submissives?
ANSWER: Not many. Submission is a mindset, not something that I've seen be defined more by gender. Generally, I'd say the type of play the submissive can endure, but that's not true either, because I've seen some female bottoms take beatings that some male bottoms would safe word out of right damn quick.

ANSWER: Not really, aside from societal prejudices, i.e. the way they might be treated. I know some female submissives that prefer this dynamic in any and every relationship they have, whereas all males I know who identify with the S side want it only with particular women, and are fine with being switchy or dominant in other contexts. This is just my experience so far, tho.

3. What is your favorite part of being a male submissive?
ANSWER: Knowing that, when I'm in a submissive space, someone is taking care of me, and I am making her happy because of that. Whatever that entails.

ANSWER: The sex. More specifically, the power of the play and the sex, especially when in the context of a 24/7 dynamic (and no one, male or female / dominant or submissive, can be one thing All the time) I could also say the joy of being with and serving a wonderful woman I love and admire, but I would feel that way even without the D/S. I like doing things for the ones I love, and that's not always a "submissive" thing, rather a Love and "I'm good at this particular thing" thang.

4. Do you ever encounter any negativity from people in the lifestyle because you're submissive? What about if someone who's not in the lifestyle finds out?
ANSWER: Not really, mainly because I try to avoid people who make instant judgments about a person based on their role in the lifestyle. It would be like hanging around someone who thought all Doms are arrogant assholes, or someone who thought all switches were slutty tourists. As for outside the scene, I am very private with my lifestyle. Almost no one outside the scene knows what I do or how I do it, in that regard. If someone were to find out, I think they would be more focused on WHAT I was doing (BDSM) rather than HOW I was doing it.

ANSWER: I never do, probably because I carry myself well, I'm physically big and seem imposing to some, and I'm very comfortable in myself. It just never seems to be a problem. Plus most people know and respect my Mistress as well, so it has always worked out smoothly social-ness wise. And plenty of others I know outside of the lifestyle have found out, and they have all expressed surprise that I would be submissive in this. I apparently come across quite the opposite. And that's no surprise per answer #1.

5. What kind of dominant woman turns you on the most? What turns you off?
ANSWER: Confidence, and the knowledge they can handle me when I bottom. I get very...primal when I bottom hard, and I don't bottom unless I'm going to go hard. Those are the main turn-ons for me. Turn-off...arrogance. Someone who thinks their shit doesn't stink is going to put me off right away.

ANSWER: My favorite kind of dominant woman is usually large breasted, even full figured, and can even have all the symbols of "bad girl-ness", i.e. tats and piercings, smokes, biker chick, possibly dangerous, hint of ex-con, proud to be physically hot white trash yet also cunning and ruthless. Let's go beyond the cosmetics and fantasy. My favorite kind of dominant woman is in control of her evil. How? She also has a big heart and a brain. 
She is also comfortable in her own skin and sexuality, and has found her sadism and dominance as a natural energy within her. The kind I don't like? Those that (like bad male dominants, too!) posture too much, all bombast and ego to cover up the fact that they haven't actually found it within themselves yet, and are trying too hard to SEEM dominant and commanding. With them I only see the inexperience, inauthenticity, the act. Give em time maybe they will find it later. Maybe not.


Truly, truly interesting stuff, don't you think? Again, I want to thank both of these men for taking the time to give detailed, insightful answers to my inquiries. I'd love to hear what you think of their answers and any experiences you've had, either as a male submissive, or dealing with a male submissive.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Which switch is which?

I see questions all the time from writers who aren't in the lifestyle asking if a dominant (or submissive) would do X, Y, or Z in a given circumstance. "Is that something a Dominant would do?"

Well, considering there are no BDSM police out there keeing a Dom from doing the dishes, uh, yeah, they'd do it.

Here's the thing, people are people first in BDSM. (And for those of you who don't know it, I am in the BDSM lifestyle.)

It's fine for some "won twue wayers" to insist someone isn't a "real" Dom or sub or slave or whatever because they do/don't do ____.

I call bullshit.

This is real life. And frankly, in a D/s or M/s dynamic, if the Top wants to do something and it's not out of bounds based on the bottom's hard limits, they can do it. If they want to give their sub a massage or cook dinner or whatever, hey, knock yourselves out.

Anyone who is such an ass in their BDSM dynamic that they can't remember they are people first and not perfect little BDSM robots isn't someone I'd want to have in my circle of friends, quite honestly.

For example, I'm a switch. That means sometimes I like to top, sometimes I like to bottom. I started out as Hubby's top and owner. Over time, with my health issues, it's easier to step back and let him feel his toppy oats, and on occasion I'll bottom to him. In my default role with Sir, I'm His collared slave and submissive. (I am co-collared to Hubby and Sir.) Sir and pet. That, we've found over time and LOTS (and lots) of trial and error works best for us, especially mentally for me. When I'm in the mood (or have the energy for it) to be toppy, I tell Him. If He's in the mood to bottom, or even to be submissive (He's a masochist as well as a sadist), then great, we switch.

I'm sure that statement made someone's head somewhere explode with indignation. "You can't be a twue slave if you top! And he can't be a twue Dominant if he bottoms!"

Asshats.

The only person that has the right to define what someone should or shouldn't be in their dynamic is someone actually IN the dynamic.

Period.

We take great delight in keeping our friends guessing who is in which role at any given time. They've made a game out of it of trying to figure out who's in the driver's seat when we show up at an event. It's not always easy. Sir is a gear kind of guy, and He might be in full-on Dominant mode and yet be wearing a collar as well.

Why?

Because He WANTS to, that's why. That's my point. Likewise, when I'm in full-on Dominant mode, I'm always wearing my collar. Why? Because I WANT to.

See, don't ever forget that people in this lifestyle are in it voluntarily. Slavery is illegal in this and most other countries. So people in the lifestyle (as long as they aren't being abused) are in it because they want to be in it. They pick and choose their roles because they want them. Sir would not top me if I didn't want Him to. Not because I wouldn't let Him, but because HE has no interest in forcing me to do something.

Eh, well, unless of course we're playing at something and I've told Him I want Him to force me to do something as part of the play.

But that's getting into a whole 'nother conversation.

In other words, don't get caught up in rigid role boxes. Just like there are fluid gender roles, there are fluid D/s and M/s roles, even between people who aren't switches. When you add in the switch factor, you add even more to the mix.

And frankly, it's a lot more fun that way.

* * *

Aaannd on to other news...

*Snoopy dancing* It's release day for "Out of Bight, Out of Mind," the fourth (but not the last) installment in my Deep Space Mission Corps series from Siren-BookStrand. When I wrote the first book in the series back in 2009, I actually had to compose the manuscript on a teeny tiny little netbook, using a USB mouse and keyboard attached to it, because the screen on my main laptop died and had to get fixed. LOL

Now that's perseverance. LOL


http://www.bookstrand.com/out-of-bight-out-of-mind

Blurb:

[Siren Ménage Everlasting: Erotic Futuristic Sci-Fi Ménage a Quatre Romance, M/M/M/F, HEA]

Emi Hypatia loves her job exploring the galaxy with her three husbands, Aaron Lucio, Caph Bates, and Ford Caliban. When a nonhuman crewman is temporarily assigned to the Tamora Bight for a mission, Emi hates and mistrusts him at first sight due to what her empath training tells her.

Aaron, Caph, and Ford know Emi can't help what she feels about their temporary crewmate, Kayehalau. But they don't know if it's just the jump engines wigging her out, residual nerves from her fight on Kal'moran, or something else. They feel badly Kayehalau's presence on board makes her nervous, but orders are orders.

Emi knows Kayehalau is up to no good. She just has to prove it. It's soon apparent he wants to use her for a nefarious purpose. She turns the tables, but only after she's out of harm's way does her larger problem become apparent. Can Aaron, Caph, and Ford rescue her when she's left Out of Bight, Out of Mind?

A Siren Erotic Romance

Tymber Dalton is a Siren-exclusive author.

--

The correct reading order is:

1) Love at First Bight
2) Bightmares
3) Spider Bight
4) Out of Bight, Out of Mind

You can find all my Siren releases as Tymber Dalton, Lesli Richardson, Macy Largo, and Tessa Monroe on my Siren page at:

http://www.bookstrand.com/tymber-dalton



And you can find me on the web at:

http://tymberdalton.com
http://twitter.com/TymberDalton
http://facebook.com/tymberdalton
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TymberDalton_updates/
https://plus.google.com/118382222849341409443/



Monday, November 26, 2012

Brats, BDSM and Books

 Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license.
What does a lion have to do with brats, you may well ask. A lot. Or at least it's the best analogy I could think of.

One of the infuriating things about writing BDSM in fiction is that you often can't quote sources or in some cases you can't come out and say precisely who you are and what you do. This can result in some farcical situations. Some reviewers love to declare to one and all that this here book here has got the BDSM all wrong and that, the author clearly knows nothing.

I've seen this said about books by Dommes and submissives, and I've seen the BDSM dissed in books like The Reluctant Dom by Tymber Dalton, who has since come out and declared herself a kinkster who is well and truly deep in the BDSM lifestyle. It's amusing in a way, but also annoying and ridiculous. But what makes it worse is when the criticism revolves around something that is truly just not the way the person criticizing the book likes their own BDSM scenes to roll.

My last book was written partly to throw some fun into the mix. There are so many edgy dark BDSM stories where the Dom is closer to robot or Sith ancestry than he is to a real man. Really, there should be a stamp somewhere that says,

Because they do. If you meet a Dom who has no sense of humor just check for a pulse. Sure while he's playing he might go into super strict Dom mode, if that's the dynamic of your relationship, but no one is like that all damn day. Even in a Master/ slave relationship there will be fun, or maybe you should be high-tailing it out of there...unless of course having no fun is your kink.

But, getting past the fun aspect, we also wanted to show brats in our story, because brats are much maligned and insulted. And yes, among my friends, there are two women who are brats who are very like the characters in my book. One is a bisexual collared switch with over ten years in the lifestyle. But that doesn't stop people declaring that there is too much bratting in the story. Okay, I get it, if a reader doesn't click with the dynamic of the BDSM in the story, okay. Move on. I don't 'get' humiliation play either, like face-slapping or being a coffee table. I don't 'get' dressing up as a pony either - it's way out of my comfort zone, but I accept that others like this.
Where this all goes pear-shaped is when people say this is wrong, and it's not BDSM.

Uh-uh. You may despise bratting in a D/s relationship and you may love obeying your Dom at a snap of his fingers and the growl of his voice but you are not everyone. Others prefer the challenge.

Here is where the lion comes in. Think of a Dom as a predator. If you're a hunter and you have a choice between having the prey walk up to you and  roll over at your feet, you'd accept that possibly. But not all do. Some prefer to have to chase after that prey, and drag it down while it is running away. With the human element of taunting by said prey added to the mix the whole scene can be even more potent.

Submission can come easily or with obstacles in the way. The brat switch I know loves it when her Dom makes her submit by force and he loves doing it. He loves dares. If she tells him he hits like a mosquito,
guess what, he wants to hit so hard she writhes and begs him to stop, and that gets her motor going too, and so the circle goes. Some brats are worse than others. Human relationships are not set in stone and do NOT have to abide by any rules except the ones made up by those in the relationship.

Some Doms can't stand bratting but surprise, surprise, they don't end up in relationships with brats, they find a submissive who likes their style of D/s.

Bottom line is, YOU may not like bratting in real life, or in stories, to you it may not be submission, but to others it is the color that heightens their kink life. Without it everything fades into black and white.

Take care that you respect what others do, as well as what you and your partner choose to do. There is no One Twu Way. There is only you and them. Make up your own rules. Be happy. Be safe.

I'll leave you with a quote from a friend.

"One of the things that I embrace about the lifestyle I have chosen, is that there is the freedom to define our own relationships."

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Happy Spanksgiving from the Playroom!

Time to drag this one out again. :) To all our US friends, Happy Spanksgiving! :)


Monday, November 19, 2012

The Violet Wand - it's nothing to be afraid of! Really!

The lovely Francesca Hawley brought her violet wand to the Ellora's Cave Romanticon convention last month, and when we weren't drooling talking politely to Cavemen, we gave it a try on Sunday night. In the middle of the bar. Now, before you go getting the wrong idea, we kept things aboveboard, and away from...sensitive areas.

If you're not familiar with a violet wand, here's a description of the Apprentice Kit from one the sites I use to research BDSM equipment, The Stockroom:


Take your first steps into the world of Nikola Tesla with this Apprentice Violet Wand kit, a sampler of the sensations that the Violet Wand has to offer. From a soft caress of static electricity to an acute zap with a smell of ozone, this kit delivers a wide range of electric sensation and is a great entry-level e-stim kit.
The large, medium, and small bulb assortment is a wonderful place to start with the included Edison bulb adaptor. The large bulb offers an adjustable, mild warm up while the smaller the bulbs become, the more intense and acute the sensation is for that special someone or naughty nobody.
The convex, rounded mushroom attachment is a natural for both male and female nipple and genital play and the small, straight probe attachment is great for delivering a spark of sensation with pinpoint accuracy.
Feeling creative? Manipulate the spark with the included Wartenberg wheel or slip on finger “eagle talons” to deliver a little, prickly tickle or sassy shock to you or your partner’s sensitive bits and pieces. 
For a more technical description, we'll turn to VioletWand.org:
The violet wand operates almost exactly as the Tesla coil described. The main difference is that the violet wand does not use a transformer, at least in the hand held models. Basically the wand uses another coil set up as an electro magnet. This set up is sometimes called a “Wagners Hammer”.
The pulsing AC current from the wall outlet causes the electro magnet to attract and then repel a permanent magnet that is attached to one side of a set of electrical contacts. By moving together and then apart, the circuit is made by the contacts and then broken, very fast. This is the buzzing noise you hear when using the wand. This making and then breaking the circuit establishes our electrical pulse.
When you adjust the intensity on the wand, you are positioning the permanent magnet closer to or further from the electro magnet. At low intensity the permanent magnet is far from the electro magnet. The electro magnet, when it is activated, has less of a pull on it because it has to overcome this distance. The contacts open and close at a slower rate. This has the effect of de-tuning the primary coil from the secondary and therefore there is less output (the pushes on the swing are coming at not quite the right frequency. The swing climbs, but not as high as it could.)
Incidentally, this is why at low levels the violet wands output will drop as its position is shifted. The distance between them is so great that the pull of the electro magnet is not enough to draw the permanent magnet towards it. Turning the wand upright adds a gravitational pull to the permanent magnet as well as the pull of the electro magnet. It is only with the gravitational pull assisting that the contact can open and close at all. Therefore the wand will work when held upright, but not when tilted.
This is the smaller "head"
Now for the fun stuff. What happened when Shoshanna Evers and I tried the violet wand? For me, though I had some trepidation beforehand, I LOVED IT. We used the wand mostly on our inner arms, which are quite sensitive, but I would less so than any female bits. It wasn't like we were going to do that in the middle of the bar. It was bad enough you needed to take off anything metal off, including, er, underwire bras.

So Francesca got everything out and explained some about how it worked. Then she put the "mushroom head" (no snickers, erotic romance writers, not that kind of head) on the wand and turned it to the lowest setting. Shoshanna and I both tried it and decided we could go higher. Francesca gradually turned it up, placing it on different spots on our arms. She asked us what "color" we were often and watched us closely.

Here's Shoshanna experiencing the wand...
Francesca showed another, smaller attachment which would concentrate the sensation more. We both agreed to try it, and once again, both of us seemed to enjoy it. I can't speak for Shoshanna, but it was a really cool sensation for me. Then she switched to another setting which electrified her and when she touched us, the current passed through her and into us. Very, very interesting.

I was feeling a little strange and tired from the aftereffects of a migraine, so I bowed out after that and went to sit and talk to a couple of hot Cavemen, but I know Shoshanna and Francesca continued to play for a while after that.
Shoshanna and Francesca after Francesca electrified herself

I'm guessing the most common question is going to be - what did it FEEL like? Well, that's hard to describe. It didn't "hurt" but it was a lot of sensations. If you have used a TENS unit as part of physical therapy, there are some similarities, but I'd say the violet wand is more intense.

I think someone who enjoys sensation play such as vampire gloves, the Wartenburg wheel, etc might be a fan of the violet wand. The main point is - don't be afraid of it! Make sure the person wielding it knows what they're doing and keep the lines of communication open, but don't be afraid of it.

Have you ever tried a violet wand? What did you think?

Monday, November 12, 2012

Where do you start?

One of the most common questions I get from people not in the lifestyle is, "Where do I find others? How do I get started? What do I do?"

First of all, let me start by saying, as I've said before, there are no "rules" to BDSM. There are only safety concerns and basic respect for others. The guidelines everyone should follow are: everyone's a consenting adult, everyone's having fun or getting what they need out of the play, and no one is being harmed.

That's really all there is to it. It's that simple. No BDSM police will take away your riding crop because you aren't "doing things right." There is no "one true way" to practice BDSM. In fact, I highly recommend keeping a sense of humor about you, and if you run into someone lacking one and who also takes themselves waaaaaaay too seriously, steer clear of them.

To find others, the best thing to do is to sign yourself up for an account on Fetlife.com. It's free, and if you're uncomfortable doing it, get yourself a completely different email address through Gmail and sign up with that. You don't have to give your real name or place or age or anything. Just don't post any face pictures of yourself if you don't want people to know who you are.

Being on Fetlife, you can then search by area to find local Munches (lunches or dinners usually held at restaurants), coffee groups, and other events.

Get out and meet people. Don't be in a hurry to get into a relationship. In fact, you don't really "need" to be on the look-out for someone kinky if you're looking for a relationship. Just get to meet PEOPLE first. If you can't be friends with someone, then you damn sure can't trust them with your life, health, and safety in a BDSM play situation.

You also don't need to be in any hurry to "define" yourself. Remember, there are no tests, no grades, no pass/fail to this. It's life. It's YOUR life. And you're entitled to have fun (as long as you aren't harming anyone and they consent to playing with you). Don't worry about some pinhead who has a thousand reasons for why you're not doing it right. (Again, not talking about safety issues here -- that's a WHOLE different and legitimate conversation.)

We went to a munch last night (it's a monthly munch we go to) and there were a couple of different people there who'd never been to a munch before and weren't even sure what their interests were yet, only that they knew they wanted to get more involved in the lifestyle and meet like-minded people. There was also a couple there who'd been married for years and who were now starting to explore their kinky side. There was a couple who were both kinky and both formerly involved in the lifestyle who'd met through a vanilla dating site. (Now that's kinky! LOL)

When I first started this journey, I swore I was dominant, would never submit to anyone, would DAMN sure never play naked in public, etc. etc. etc.

*cough*

Um, yeah. I'm still dominant in most of my life, except I do submit to Sir, with whom I switch on occasion. Hubby, my slave, has a dominant streak in him that's starting to come out. I consider myself dominant in all other areas of my life, and if anyone tried to push my buttons, they'd find themselves on the floor in a heartbeat with my foot on their throat.

There are people who probably think we do human pet play (puppy, pony, cat) "wrong" because we mix impact play, discipline, and bondage in with it. There are probably purists who think I should be called a "little" because I call Sir "Daddy" and enjoy stuffed animals (I'm definitely not a little).

What I'm trying to say, even though I'm repeating myself from several past blog posts, is that to get started you just...start. Find out what interests you, never forget your basic manners (blindly messaging someone that you'd like to play with them without even taking the time to get to know them first is NOT polite and will get you shut down), and don't be in a hurry to rush into anything. Most of the spectacular "blow ups" I've seen in relationships and with people are because one or both were in a hurry to just jump right in, or to do things "right" without remembering first and foremost...

PEOPLE. ARE. PEOPLE.

I've seen the craziest shit both online and in real life in the BDSM world of people doing stuff that I would hope in vanilla real life they would never dream of doing. They seem to lose their common sense.

I had a dude message me last week, despite my Fetlife profile clearly stating right at the top of the about me section that I will NOT play with anyone other than my pack, that he was coming to town and wanted to tie me and Sir up and tickle us.

HUH??? If it'd just been generic copypasta crap, I would have deleted it. But the fucktard took the time to read enough of my profile to not only see i was in a poly triad, but to name us in his message and customize it. Yes, he probably sent similar messages to quite a few other people at the same time, but day-amn.

I told him no, to read people's profiles before sending them creepy messages, and then blocked him.

Sir basically told him to go fuck himself before He blocked him as well. And Hubby blocked him.

I didn't know this guy from Adam. And he only messaged me, which was even creepier because considering my profile shows I'm not only married but collared and owned, it would have been basic manners NOT to send me a message like that. Especially since he obviously took the time to read enough of my profile to see what my situation was.

That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about. If the guy had taken the time to strike up a conversation, and then eventually asked about playing, he would have gotten a polite no thanks. (Had he truly taken the time to be considerate, however, he never would have propositioned me in the first place.)

Usually when I get copypasta from trolls, I simply delete it and block the asshat. No harm, no foul. But when a douchecanoe customizes it and says he's coming to the area on a trip, yeah, that's when it gets into creepy land.

So don't do that. And yes, submissive women can be just as guilty of it, too. I've seen women in sub frenzy basically going after dominants, regardless of whether or not the guy is already in a relationship or not. They assume they can go after him because he's a Dom.

Um, no. If you went after another woman's man in real life, you'd likely end up in a cat fight, no? Why do you think it'd be any different in the BDSM world. Yes, I know people who are poly and/or have several play partners. (Hell, I am poly, but in a closed pack.) But what newbies often don't take into consideration is that the people who play with others usually have pre-existing rapport or relationship with them. I do know a couple of service tops who play with others at parties, but they're in committed relationships. And it's far too easy for a single female sub who's new to the lifestyle to equate sexual play/sensual play with "love" and then go off the deep end and then everyone starts hiding their pet bunnies out of an abundance of caution.

Don't be a bunny boiler.

And I'm not trying to scare newbies. By far, the majority of people I've met in the lifestyle are decent, polite, friendly people. But in any demographic, vanilla or kinky, you're going to have asshats who skew the bell curve right the hell off the chart. We tend to hear more about those asshats in the lifestyle community simply because it's a smaller demographic and epic derailments garner more attention and word of mouth.

So when you want to get started in the community, keep your eyes open, keep your common sense firmly in place, and just keep your damn undies on until you make friends with enough people that you can start to find things you'd like to try. Don't get entangled in sexual or sensual play with people you don't know well. Ask questions. If you go to events, find out who's in charge (if it's a small event) and talk to them, or find staff/volunteers you can talk to. Or ask the organizer or staff to point out people you can and should talk to.

If you're already in a relationship and want to explore this, communication is key. Don't automatically assume your partner will in no way want to participate. And if you're sure of that and think you're going to get your fix on the down-low, that's a sure-fire way to blow up your relationship beyond repair because the truth WILL come out.

Start by doing a little role-playing in bed. Give and take. "I'd like to try this tonight, and in exchange I'll try out ____ that you've wanted to try." (Yes, that's a simplification, but you get my drift.)

There is no race to the finish. There is nothing that says you have to jump into this feet-first into the deep end of the pool right now. Take your time. Learn to have the hard conversations. It will feel reeeallly weird at first if you're not used to talking with your partner like that, but trust me, you cannot have a BDSM lifestyle if you cannot effectively communicate.

And there's nothing that says you have to do everything at once. You can ask your guy to blindfold you in bed (or ask your girl, if you're the guy, or whatever your relationship configuration is). You don't have to ask your wife to buy a strap-on and fuck your ass as the first introduction to her finding out you're kinky.

It's a journey, a progression of steps, each one building upon the path. There is no "destination." There shouldn't be. Getting your hopes up and creating this unrealistic picture in your head of what things "should" be like is a sure-fire path to disaster.

Another key piece: you also need to make sure you are working on YOUR issues along the way. I've seen plenty of instances where people jumped into BDSM only to find disappointment because the source of their discontent was within them, not their partner.

I know this person who has bounced from relationship to relationship, each one a disaster after having proclaimed that their new person is "the one." They refuse to see that the problem is THEM, not the people they choose. (Well, they keep choosing deeply flawed people to start with.) They consistently choose the wrong people to have relationships with, because they refuse to see that what they are looking for is missing within them. Instead, they continue to put their needs upon new partners, and when those partners prove less than perfect (because they blindly ignored warning signs due to seeing that shiny object of the "missing piece" in the other person) yet another relationship blows up and they wonder what happened.

Had they focused on getting to know the other person first, instead of rushing into a relationship with them, they would have seen that it wasn't meant to be in the long run. And those of us who finally stepped out of that person's life because of the never-ending self-created drama sadly shake our heads and wonder who the next ex will be in that person's life.

You have to be willing to work on yourself, on examining yourself honestly, sometimes brutally so. You have to be able to have honest conversations with yourself. If you can't, you'll never be able to have those honest conversations with partners.

So take your time, start slow, and don't be in a hurry when you decide to to take the plunge. Yes, it means holding yourself back sometimes, but in the end, you'll be a happier person for it with a well-rounded circle of friends and acquaintances with whom you can share your journey.

And you'll be a happier, more content person as well.

* * *


Today is release day for the second book in my Placida Pod series, "Porpoiseful Intent."

http://www.bookstrand.com/porpoiseful-intent

And if you missed the first book, "Accidentally on Porpoise," you can order it from Siren here:

http://www.bookstrand.com/accidentally-on-porpoise

Blurb:

[Siren Everlasting Classic ManLove: Erotic Alternative Paranormal Romance, M/M, shape-shifters, HEA]

Sean Morita and Emery Nadel are enjoying settling in together as mates, but there is deadly trouble brewing on the horizon as plans for the Samhain superpod get underway. Sean’s parents have no idea that Emery and his family are dolphin shifters, and everyone wants to keep it that way.

But what do you get when you mix a hurricane, a houseful of dolphin shifters, a pair of oblivious human parents, a vengeful ex-lover, and an alligator shifter with a warped sense of humor?

Sean and Emery are about to find out. Erik isn’t finished with Emery yet, and innocent shifters will pay the price when vengeance returns with Porpoiseful Intent.

A Siren Erotic Romance

Tymber Dalton is a Siren-exclusive author.

--

You can find all my Siren releases as Tymber Dalton, Lesli Richardson, Macy Largo, and Tessa Monroe on my Siren page at:

http://www.bookstrand.com/tymber-dalton

New! I have a chat list now, too! http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TymbersTrybe/

And you can find me on the web at:

http://tymberdalton.com
http://twitter.com/TymberDalton
http://facebook.com/tymberdalton
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TymberDalton_updates/
https://plus.google.com/118382222849341409443/

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Ten ways to tell if your man might be kinky

I was talking to a friend, who shall remain anonymous, and I was asking him about BDSM. He mentioned he didn't know if he was interested in it or not because he'd never been exposed to it. After my brain exploded with all the fun ways to introduce someone to BDSM (he's just a friend, but hey, I can fantasize), I started thinking about how, if you were in a new relationship, you might be able to figure out if your new man might be kinky. This is going to be a partially serious post, with a few tongue-in-cheek things thrown in, because it's been a long day and I have to entertain myself some way.

How to tell if your man might be kinky (or at least open to a discussion about it):


  1. You've noticed him spending a lot of time staring at your ass with his palm twitching.
  2. He doesn't hide that he watches porn.
  3. He owns some sort of sex toy or toys, even so-called tame ones.
  4. You climb on top and grab his hands, pulling them over his head, and he doesn't freak out.
  5. During doggy-style sex, he slaps your ass.
  6. He seems comfortable with dirty talk, especially dirty talk from you.
  7. When you mention him backing you into the wall/watching you in the mirror/etc, he grins, rather than apologizing.
  8. He owns or has at least seen and not been disgusted by movies like Secretary, 9 1/2 Weeks...
  9. You come home one day to find your ereader loaded with erotic romance, because he's figured out if you're horny it might be to his benefit.
  10. When you tell him a story about a friend of yours having sex with her boyfriend in some at least semi-public place, he thinks it's hot rather than that they should've been arrested.
How else can you tell if a man might be kinky? Give us more suggestions in the comments!
-- Cassandra

By the way, I've got some BDSM books coming out soon! Master Class is releasing on December 11th.

Here's the blurb:
Ryan Tomasi feels like a failure. His marriage is officially over; the ink dried on the divorce decree. His friend Jack introduces him to BDSM and he agrees to attend a Halloween party at a club. A submissive approaches him, offering herself, and how can he refuse the kneeling beauty? They do a whirlwind scene and Ryan is addicted—both to dominance and to her.

Lisette Rinaldo is returning to the BDSM club for the first time since ending a bad relationship with her former master. She spots Ryan and is taken by the combination of self-assurance and nervousness the man displays as he takes in his surroundings. And after he gives her an incredible re-introduction to the lifestyle, she knows she needs to see the man again.

Ryan and Lisette explore each other and the lifestyle, but what started out as playtime quickly evolves into something more. The problem? Ryan isn’t ready to get serious again and Lisette doesn’t want to fall in love with a guy who can’t give all of himself to her. Both of them are going to have to break out of the bonds holding them back from happiness.

And Unexpected Top is coming out on January 18, 2013.

Here's the blurb:
Sometimes a wife has to go to extreme measures to save her marriage. When Cissy Holden doesn't feel appreciated, she takes matters into her own hands--literally--and introduces her wayward husband Len to the concept of a Female-Led Relationship (FLR). Will Len be on board with FLR, or has Cissy just made the biggest mistake of her life?

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

No Means No.

I was in a BDSM forum the other day a sub asked a question that should have surprised me, sadly it didn't. Does a Dom need to ask a subs permission to play with them? The question rang true for me after a recent incident I experienced where a Dom assumed I would be his play partner because I'm now a single submissive. The conversation I was engaged in ended like this.
 
Him: "As a submissive you should do what I, as the Dom, tells you to do."
Me:   "You are not my Dom, therefore I don't have to do anything you tell me." 
 
The fact is there are idiots and morons in all lifestyles. It doesn't matter if you live and socialise in the vanilla world, the BDSM lifestyle, the gay community, wherever. It's courtesy to ask someones permission to do anything with them, whether it's going out on a date or getting involved in BDSM play. Simply because someone is submissive, or single doesn't give a Dom/me power over them or the right to assume they are free to play with. Wearing the title of Dom/me doesn't give a person the right to demand anything of a submissive they aren't in a relationship with or have a specific agreement with.
 
I worry about new people entering the BDSM lifestyle. As an experienced sub, I'm quite capable of telling a Dom to piss off and leave me alone if they overstep the boundaries of decency. And, if standing up for myself gives them the impression I'm not a submissive then so be it, it's not something that bothers me. However, someone entering the lifestyle may not have the strength or belief that they can or should be able to say no.
 
So, for those new to the BDSM community I just thought I'd give you a few tips.
  • You can say No to a Dom/me.
  • If you tell someone 'no I don't want to play with you' then they should respect that decision. They shouldn't keep pestering you in the hope or belief that they can change your mind.
  • Saying no to a Dom/me doesn't mean you are not submissive, it just means you know your own mind and you know who you feel safe to play with.
  • Other members of the community will usually help you if you are being harassed by someone. If you're at a party/club/munch then find the organisers or the dungeon master and ask for help. If it's online then block the person and let other people on the site and the site owners know that you've been harassed and who by.
As in any community, common courtesy, listening to and respecting boundaries laid down by individuals is part of the social requirements in the BDSM lifestyle. Also, as in any community, there are people who don't respect others and who will overstep the social boundary. Mercifully, as I've said before, most members of the kink community will assist someone if they are being hassled, which makes me feel safer as a single person in a BDSM social setting. What we all need to remember is that in any community, including the BDSM one...No always means No.
 
 
 
 

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

How to bring up the topic of BDSM to your man in 5 easy steps

With the recent popularity of the BDSM book-that-must-not-be-named (which we all know isn't really a BDSM book anyway), I've heard several women discussing how they could approach their significant others about wanting to get kinky. First of all, I applaud you for trying something different, but if you don't want to try it, don't. There's nothing wrong with having no desire to be kinky.

But if you do want to delve into the world of kink, and you don't want to do it alone, here are some ways to approach your man:
Maybe not start out with these...
Creative Commons by -JvL-
http://www.flickr.com/photos/-jvl-/

  1. Buy a book and either leave it where he'll see it or directly show it to him. I'm not talking about buying the aforementioned book, but rather something like SM 101- A Realistic Introduction, or The Ultimate Guide to Kink.
  2. Buy a toy, and do the same thing - leave it out or show it to him. Start small (not literally) here, people. Don't go for the single tail or the eight-inch butt plug right off the bat, or you'll scare the hell out of most men. Try a little paddle. Handcuffs. Maybe a vibrating toy.
  3. Start a discussion, without buying a book or a toy. Some people feel more comfortable assessing their man's interest level before spending money, and that's a great way to approach this.
  4. Rent a movie with some BDSM elements. Secretary is a good one to start with, though the BDSM is really pretty tame.
  5. Suggest he read one of our books! (Sorry, had to throw that in there...)
Can you think of other ways to approach a significant other? Tell me in the comments!

-- Cassandra

Monday, October 15, 2012

A Good Dom/Domme

I recently participated in the Hot in Handcuffs blog hop and the question I posed in my blog post was what sort of Dom/Domme do you like? Overwhelmingly the responses were one who is confident, strong, powerful, in control, kind, caring and sensitive. I think the Doms I write about in my books have those characteristics and they are certainly personality traits I like in a Dom but the responses started me thinking. Are the traits contradictory? If I want all those characteristics plus more in my Dom am I expecting too much? Do Doms with those traits only exist in novels?

Luckily, I'm continuing to be a BDSM social butterfly, getting out and about and meeting lots of new people. So, I decided to do a little observation at a party I went to on the weekend. You’ll be happy to know that Doms with those traits do exist in real life. I’m also sure you won’t be surprised when I say that there are also Doms who don’t have those traits. I had a discussion with the sub I travelled to the party with and we compared notes on Doms we’d been involved with over the years. The stories we shared could have ended in a list titled ‘the good, the bad, and the ugly’.

What the discussion reinforced for me was, when I’m ready to find a new Dom, I need to have a perfectly clear idea of exactly what I want. I’ve always had a vague idea but I think I need to be more specific on certain aspects. So yes, I want the characteristics stated above but what else do I need to look for? 

At the party a lovely Dom pointed out to there are other things, apart from personality traits, which I need to consider when considering a new Dom. Some of the things I knew, others I hadn’t thought of before. He pointed out a few lifestyle practices that, in his opinion, a good Dom would do when interacting with someone he viewed as a prospective sub. Here’s what he imparted.

 A good Dom will:

·         Always have a discussion about limits, what a sub likes/dislikes in the way of play and lifestyle practices.

·         Build trust with a sub by getting to know them over a period of time prior to asking them to engage in play.

·         Have absolutely no problem with a prospective sub asking for names of other subs as references so you can clarify what he is like as a Dom.

·         Be happy to answer any questions you ask, no matter what they are. His answers will be direct, not vauge or delayed as if he's trying to think up an answer because you've put him on the spot or trying to hide something.

·         Will start off slowly once they engage in play to continue to build trust and get to know the subs responses prior to proceeding to heavy play sessions.

·         Be communicative, not only explaining their own expectations but also ensuring yours are voiced and listened to as well.

His advice on what to do if a Dom doesn’t do these things was, take it as a warning sign and walk away as the person is probably a player who has no idea what their doing.

So what do you think, what else apart from personality traits would you look for in a Dom/Domme? What action/act would be something that would send up a warning flag for you?

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Balancing a BDSM relationship when you're in public

One of my Twitter followers suggested this topic, and I thought it was a great one. I love that I can always count on my followers to give me plenty of fodder for this blog! By the way, for the sake of simplicity I'm gong to use a female sub and a male Dom, although we all know there are all sorts of variations as to who is submissive and who is dominant.

My follower's questions were, "How can you balance a BDSM relationship with being in public? For instance, how do you stealthily show your relationship without being obvious?"

Some excellent questions. Overall, I think it comes down to how, as a submissive, you treat your Dominant, and the other way around. Respect on both sides is important, not just from the submissive to the Dom. Also, there are a lot of rules that work as well in public as they do in the privacy of home, like how to dress, what the submissive is not allowed to eat, etc. Simply abiding by these rules, even when in public, is in keeping with your BDSM relationship.

You don't have to use a collar
like this all the time, you know...
Creative Commons Andre SC - 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/57926608@N00/
 
As far as the treatment/respect thing goes, a service submissive can still serve her Master no matter where they are. At a party? Maybe the sub can make sure the Dom's drink is never empty, or that he always has someone to talk to. Maybe the sub could watch for signs of fatigue and make sure the Dom sits, or the sub can rub his shoulders.

More overt signs of a BDSM relationship, but ones that can still be subtle, are collars that don't look like collars. Any piece of jewelry, or even a tattoo or the life, can be a collar. It's all in what it means to the sub and her Dom. You don't have to have a ten-pound padlock on the collar for it to be called a collar. Even a string of pearls or a diamond ring can be a collar.

I'm sure there are more ways to signify or honor a BDSM relationship in public, but these are just a few. What other methods can you think of? Feel free to tell me in the comments.

-- Cassandra
http://www.booksbycassandracarr.com