Thursday, December 8, 2011

Monogamy and BDSM

I can honestly say that when I first learned about BDSM, I thought that monogamy was not the norm nor was it common. Shortly after I began writing my first BDSM story Slave, however, I met a couple who was completely monogamous. He had been in the lifestyle for twenty years. She was younger, and had been in the lifestyle for five.

Shortly thereafter, I met another monogamous couple. They’re married with three young children.

So why is it that when most people think about those who live the lifestyle they picture threesomes or large play parties where everyone is playing with everyone else?

After reading a lot of posts, and with what I know of the couples I’ve befriended, I’ve found that the couples in monogamous relationships within the lifestyle tend to be less vocal within the on-line community. They do have a presence, yes, but they tend to get over shadowed by those who are in poly or open relationship.

 
 The bottom line, as with all good relationships but especially those involving BDSM, is communication. I hear it preached in every on-line lifestyle forum. Guessing and hinting doesn’t work. Both partners have to be on the same page whether that is about limits or about wanting or not wanting a monogamous relationship.

Also ,be clear on what monogamy means to you. Does it mean not having sex with others? Or does it go farther than that and include flirting or play of any kind where others outside the relationship are involved? Don’t assume that your partner knows how you define monogamy. Draw clear lines so that there is no confusion by either partner. What is allowed? What isn’t?

Don’t allow yourself to be pressured into something you don’t want; all that will do is make you unhappy. Many newbies in the lifestyle feel like they will never find someone if monogamy is something they want in a relationship. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. Don’t settle. Go after what you want and need in your relationship.
(Sherri Hayes is the author of one BDSM novel, Slave (Finding Anna Book 1). More information can be found on her blog http://www.findingannaseries.blogspot.com/.)

12 comments:

  1. I'm always surprised when people tell me they think BDSM is wild sex orgies. I tell them..."I can whip that thought right out of you."

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  2. Great post. I actually think it would be an absolute truth that there are far more couples engaging in BDSM in monogamous relationships than having wild sex at play parties and clubs.

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  3. I actually know more monogamous couples than I do open/poly couples. Unfortunately, porn sites have projected the image of BDSM==swinging, whereas the truth usually is BDSM=/=swinging. Some people I know play with others, but don't have sex with them. Others are completely monogamous.

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  4. All the people I know are monogamous, but then as half of a monogamous couple, I don't really go looking for people who aren't. I know some people do poly play, but those tend to be friends of friends,not people I actually know.

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  5. My mind gets boggled when I hear someone refer to her vanilla husband, and her Dom. I wonder what her limits are with her Dom, but don't ask because it seems to intrusive, and I might be uncomfortable with the answer. LOL

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  6. Awesome post! I love BDSM romances and am curious about the lifestyle. I'm pretty sure I have an inner subbie lurking inside me. I know I am not one to want to share so that is a point where I think I would hesitate.

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  7. Very nice post! And so true that people do tend to beleive the negitve, especially about BDSM. I don't live in the lifestyle but have a profound respect for those who do. I love how you show it with a positive light.

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  8. I must really be sheltered, but I actuality thought the BDSM lifestyle was monogamous. I really enjoyed the post. Thanks.

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  9. I am a newbie of 3 years. My Master promised me monogamy. We are both 57. He has proved to be a very dishonest man and is always doing things that he promised he would not do and expects me now to just live with it.
    The first cut is the deepest.

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  10. Thank you for this post. I am in love and married to a Master and this plus many more posts online have allowed me to understand the lifestyle. He has a sub and I have agreed. There are limits to that relationship and these kinds of posts allow for more understanding as there are some things I cannot fullfil for him but that
    his sub can. Thank you again.

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  11. Чепуха. Сколько видел БДСМ отношений - все блядские. Оргии. Почему вам нравится низменная похоть? Унижение того, кого вы любите? Вы больны

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