Coming out as being into BDSM

"Coming out" as someone who's interested in BDSM isn't easy, especially if you're in an established relationship that has previously had little to no kink factor. Despite that, many people do it. Why? Because they feel like they won't be a whole sexual being without BDSM.

I've got a couple of tips for "coming out". Your mileage may vary, given your particular circumstances and comfort level. First, read. And then read some more. Two great books about BDSM are SM 101 and Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns (which appears to be almost $50. Huh. Maybe it's out of print). I've put links to Amazon here but you can find them on Barnes & Noble, etc. Now that you've got a good, basic understanding of BDSM, ask yourself, is it really for you?

Next, take a good, long look at your partner. You know your partner well-how do you think he or she will react to hearing about your interest in BDSM? This information will help you frame your revelation. For instance, should you sneak in some little aspects of BDSM or should you just come out and say you're into it?

Third, plan and then start introducing BDSM-related gear. Many people are more comfortable with the "sneaking in" method. So buy a few things. Keep them relatively easy and harmless-looking. This is not the time for the single tail whip. Try a pair of handcuffs, maybe a blindfold. Tell your partner you'd like to add them to your sex repertoire and see he or she reacts. If the reaction is favorable, play around with those before you move on. Introduce something a little more out there, like a paddle or a butt plug next. If your partner balks, don't assume all is lost. Back off and give him or her time to assimilate what you've just put out there.

At each level of introducing these things to your partner, watch him or her closely. Your partner may say they're not into something, but their body may be telling you something different. That doesn't mean you should ignore their words, but it does mean that at least at some basic level your partner may be turned on. The mind is a powerful thing and can ignore the signals the body is giving out.

Good luck, and happy kinking!

For more information on my books, including Caught, which won Best BDSM Book 2011 from LoveRomancesCafe, check out my website at http://www.booksbycassandracarr.com.