Saturday, July 21, 2012

Communicating Your Desire for BDSM



by Cari Silverwood
Over the last year I've spoken to many women who are curious about how to introduce BDSM into their relationship. Most have been in established relationships. When you think about it, if you know you desire this before you enter into a relationship, you are at a great advantage in some ways. You can discuss it with any new partners before you get too deep, or even go the whole hog and explore at a BDSM club through the established community.

I'm going to assume this is man and woman here, in a marriage, but this applies to any relationship really. I'm also mostly assuming you want to be the submissive if you want Dominance and submission (D/s) in your marriage.

Some have suggested it's far easier to find a person/ husband who is a soul mate in other ways first, than to find a BDSM partner first and then make sure they are on your wavelength in other ways. Perhaps this is true. It is hard to judge as we are all so different. I do know that those who still have some interconnection with their husband, some route of communication still open, are definitely in with a chance. I've met many women who have found their partners willing to go farther. But it all depends on you, them, and how you go about it.

If you're looking for a fantasy Dom, or someone who will leap in with great enthusiasm from the get go, you should readjust your sights. Yes, it can happen, but even in marriages where the man already has similar fantasies and desires, it takes time to adjust.

BDSM is such a wide encompassing term -- what if you desire to be the submissive, and your partner has the same desire, to be submissive? But here, at least you are on the same wavelength of recognizing BDSM as something that's not a weird thing to be swept into some dark corner and denied. Who knows, one of you may be willing to try the dominant role?

In many vanilla (non-BDSM) relationships, you don't know what is going through your partner's mind, because sex is often very mechanical and basic. You may suspect they lean toward dominance for example, but how far will they take that? If you want to introduce, bondage, spanking, nipple clamps, Domination and submission, or some other fun activity, how do you do it when you have little clue as to your husband's ideas on it? What if you suspect they will freak at the idea?

Here is where you need to take that craving of yours, and throttle it back to whatever speed suits your partner.

Communication takes many forms. Do what works for you and your partner.
Communication may take weeks, months and even sometimes years. If you want to give this a true college try, dont assume anything. You may take two steps forward and three back at times. Many people's initial response, if you bluntly ask them about BDSM, will be horror, maybe even a little worry or fear. They may say something that seems belittling. Persevere. People make fun of things they don’t understand.  This kneejerk feeling is even more likely if you spring it on them after ten or twenty years of vanilla sex.

If you get an over-the-top scary sort of reaction, go slower. There are those who are utterly opposed to BDSM in any form. Use your judgment. You know them better than I do.

Communicating your needs can including talking, looking at pictures and videos, your body language, and even physically showing them.

Talking -- you don't have to spill your guts at once. Pick your time. You can try before sex, or even during may work best in a spur of the moment sort of way. Approach the idea of being held down perhaps, at first. Suggest minor toys like a pair of cuffs. Tying your partner to the beds headboard seems pretty par for the course nowadays. Spanking, mild spanking, can also seem tame to many.

If you want true Dominance and submission, the idea is often wrapped around your partner controlling you. And one of the things that spoils this feeling is telling them what to do. But at first, you may need to.

Get that into your head. You may hate this. It may not seem to be, at any time, where you want to go. It may seem the very opposite of what all those Doms in stories do. But even men with a lot of dominance in their genes/ jeans (lol) may find it hard to be as dominant in the bedroom as you want them. For decades, men have been told to ask before doing , that no means no, and this is good. Even in true D/s the Dom needs to get permission beforehand. By discussing, showing, communicating, you can show them that they have permission. And that is when you can slowly loosen the reins, and progress toward them taking control in the bedroom. Depending on you and what you are doing, you may need a Safeword. There are some who say you always need one. Look safewords up, please. Also see the bottom of this article for places to go to read about BDSM, and more about safewords.

Back to talking -- try little hints, or in long conversations, text to him, send him ideas. Mix it up and do what seems to work.

Think before you try anything. If they aren’t a reader, handing them books is probably not going to work.

Reading? Some men will read erotic novels and get the idea from that. Not many, but some. Read him your favorite passages even, if you find you both like this. You can also find articles on the net about domination and submission and everything else you might be curious about. Print them out, send him links. Start mild! Research is the key to understanding what the whole BDSM scene is about. Research on your own and email him the more interesting articles-even if they don’t read, they will check their email, research together; make it a joint adventure.

If it gets a negative or dubious reaction, here is my second big rule – back off and let things cool down and reassess where you are. Maybe a different method of communication will work.

Pictures! Some men love pics, most of them probably. Don't send him a vid of someone being flogged! Not first off anyway. Mild bondage or maybe spanking vids might work. Go too far and they will be horrified. Look at them together in bed. Point out what you love. Cuddle up while you do so. This is partly body language and also positive reinforcement.

Next is body language – Squirming, squealing, moaning, carrying on like you love what he does, telling him at the same time, saying, Yes! Yes! never hurt anyone. Tell him with other hot and sexy words too. Men, whether they are Doms or not, cannot read your mind.

Another form of body language that many do not seem to think of, if you want D/s in your relationship: Act submissive. If you are dominant, or equals, outside the bedroom, this is even more important. Show him. Perhaps kneel on the bed. Ask him if you can do something to him. Ask if he wants you to do something, anything. Help him get undressed perhaps. Do what makes you feel submissive. And here is where you are telling in a way, yet it can work well – put his hands in your hair or wriggle your wrists under his hands and ask him to hold you. At first you may have to do this. At first it may seem wrong and the opposite of Him controlling you. But the more you do it, the more he will catch on.

For impact play, if you want say spanking, lie across him and ask for it. You may be surprised. Offer him things to use, like his belt.

This is definitely you instructing him and sure, storybook Doms just do it, but this is not a fantasy. In real life, you need to make compromises.

There are times when you want him to ignore your body language.
To start with, rather than being worried your partner may go too far and hurt you, you may have the opposite problem. For many submissives, it adds to the excitement to be able to wriggle, to struggle, to try to get free.  It may be the first time you show him that you want this sort of no means yes behavior, so don’t be surprised if you have to restate it now and then.

Say that you wrestle on the bed after you've challenged him. Maybe you've said, make me, after he's said, we're having sex now. Another example, in a body language way – he's holding you down and you can feel the weight of his hands on your wrists. You push, wriggle, and he lets you go. Oh my. If you want him in control, you HAVE to tell him, please don't let me loose if I wriggle. Hold me down. Say this before any scene, if possible. During will do for starters though. Small baby steps will get him doing what you want.

After a while, however you communicate, if he’s at all inclined to do this, he will understand what you want. After a while, if he truly loves that dominant role, he will run with it. You won't need to tell him. If he can see you getting turned on by spanking, by him controlling, by restraint, he will start these, not you. Yes, it may have taken you months to get there, but it will be worth it. You may even discover there are things both of you like that you never imagined you would.

Safewordsthese are a special word used to stop all play, immediately.

In public/ club BDSM situations, safewords are absolutely essential. This is so that others can come to your aid if necessary.

In the bedroom, when it's just you and them, negotiate, discuss. It should always be assumed, in any early relationship, that without a safeword, no means no.

In this situation, no is your safeword.

Within an established relationship, when you know each other well, you may still want a special safeword. For some it is a part of the whole way of getting into the headspace of BDSM. It is a way to let yourself have more freedom to react. It is not a magic word, in my opinion. If your partner will ignore you saying no, why in the world do you think he will pay attention to a safeword? It comes down to trust and what works for you, always.

The pros of a safeword?
- You can use a word that would never be used in the bedroom – like penguin or Madagascar. This may grab your Dom’s attention faster than, “no, I said no, are you deaf?”

- If you have a safeword, you can then say no, when you don’t mean it. This is a very common reason for wanting a safeword.

- A lot of BDSM revolves around the imagination, role-playing, being in the right headspace. To some, saying the word no may pull them out of that headspace, where saying for example, yellow, will not. Yellow is often used to just mean slow down or use less force, so it's not a clear-cut safeword but more a slow-down word. Then you can keep playing without stopping.

The cons of a safeword? I don’t think there are any, except that for someone not versed in BDSM, it can be an odd thing to ask them to discuss.

 Research safewords yourself is my advice.

If you feel you need a safeword, negotiate, discuss and find a word that works for both of you and use it; a safe word means nothing if you won’t use it for whatever reason. The worst thing to do is to try to tough it out and possibly get hurt, either mentally or physically. Make sure that what you are doing is discussed in minute detail. In the beginning, everything is new and there will be times that may be too scary or uncomfortable for both of you. If you have to use the safe word, all play stops immediately. Then you should have a discussion of what and why the word had to be used in that particular situation. Again, in order for the safe word to work-it has to be used.

Remember always, people are different, you are different, your marriage is yours only, make this your way of doing it and never let anyone say – this is how you must do it.

Always keep safe, sane and consensual in mind.

If you are truly outgoing, you can also get Dom training from those in the BDSM lifestyle, or go to organized workshops. I think not many couples are willing to go this route as a first or early step, but for some it may seem the easiest way. If getting live instructions is too much to handle, the internet is a wonderful tool…Google it! You will find tons of resources that will give you instructions that will lead you through. If you and your partner don’t understand completely what it is you want to do - Do. Not. Do. It.  As your experience grows, you can always go back and revisit it.
To see my published books go here
http://www.carisilverwood.net/books-by-cari-silverwood.html

A link to a some BDSM sites if you want to do some research
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/generalbdsm.htm#onlinerl
http://www.lucylasticslair.com/rbm/lashes/resources.html



30 comments:

  1. Very interesting post.

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  2. Thank you for the awesome giveaway! ;)

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  3. Excellent advice. Cari, I love your posts. They are always so informative and give me food for thought. :)

    Thanks again for the chance to win and I hope this hop is on for next year too!!!

    Best,

    Erzabet

    erzabetwrites (at) gmail dot com

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  4. Great advice. Thanks for sharing.

    Gabrielle
    meingee@yahoo.com

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  5. Great advice Cari. Communication and education are keys and that never stops. I'm going to check out those links also.

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  6. You're right, do you pick the man first and then discuss BDSM or do you find someone that already shows an interest. It's so hard to decide which way to go. The last relationship that I was in, I brought the subject up very carefully. After our first conversation, he told me only whores liked that stuff. Needless to say I ran for the door immediately.

    proudarmymom32(at)yahoo(dot)com

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  7. I think communication in key in any relationship but even more important in the BDSM lifestyle. thanks for a great post. Carin
    mawmom(at)gmail(dot)com

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  8. Love your blog its refreshing to read from people that actually know what they are talking about in reguards to the lifestyle. Thank you

    KimmiesKreations@hotmail.com

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  9. I always learn so much from reading your blog. It's one of my faves.

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  10. Great information and advice. Communication is always the mostimportant part of the relationship. Trust is an important part of it too.

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  11. Thank you for all the great info and advice. I've learned alot along the way, thanks for the hop.

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  12. Thanks for the great information. Communication is the key and I think it would be difficult after many years of marriage to bring up the possibility of bring BDSM into the relationship.

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  13. After reading the 1st edition of 31 Flavors, I began to think of ways to communicate with my husband of 14 years. It has taken about 9 months, but through lightly bringing up my wants and desires he began to research and "look into" what I wanted. I am happy to say that our communication has increased tenfold and we are now happily living a 24/7 D/s relationship. My husband has fully embraced the Dominant side to meet my sub side. Little did we realize that we had been doing it prior to verbalizing and structuring our lifestyle. Now we communicate better, recognize and "see" each other's contributions better, and meet each other's BDSM needs. We are continuing to grow and learn. It is an exciting journey we are on. I love it.
    Mel

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  14. Great article. As for myself I don't think my husband of 25 years would be open to it. He is quite conservative about some his views and I know him quite well and he will think what the hell have gotten into me. Now he knows that I read BDSM books but never engages in a conversation about the stuff I reads. So I think my D/s interest will remain in my fantasies and enjoyed in books.

    redfirewood888(AT)yahoo(DOT)ca

    Ollie aka DarkBloodyVamp

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  15. Great article, Cari. Communication and more communication is the key for something like this. I have been married for 32 years and we had a few struggles at the beginning, but as long as you talk it out, things work out for the most part and you can get what you want.
    Thanks again.
    Patricia
    panthers.ravens@yahoo dot com

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  16. Great advise today. For me to bring up this subject to my husband after 34 years of vanilla, I'd think he would be a lot NO! He is so very old fashioned in a lot of this thinking. I have asked to be spanked and he doesn't really give a response. This was great subject matter for a blog hop and informative reading. Thank you so much for that.
    luvfuzzzeeefaces at yahoo dot com

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  17. Wow I loved this article!! It was like you picked all my questions out of my head and wrote this! I have been wondering how to bring up the fact that I am submissive to my hubby and your article will totally help me do that. Thank you so very much. This has been very important to me and now I have some ideas on how to appoach him. Thank you for this valuable blog!!!
    lennifer@telus.net

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  18. Thanks for all your wonderful comments. I wrote this because I've seen women go about this in so many different ways and sometimes it seems as if once they discover this need/ desire, they feel they have to go at it like a bull at a gate. Not so, of course.
    Mel, I always enjoy hearing about your success. And Jen, I hope this does help you. Good luck.

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  19. I really think that sharing pictures and books would be a great way to judge whether a person is open to the idea of BDSM. I know that sometimes I have had trouble expressing what I wanted (especially when I was very young) so these things would be easier for me than trying to express myself so verbally in the beginning.
    manning_j2004 at yahoo dot com

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  20. Julianne, you can never say never unless you've tried. i know of others with a similar length of marriage whose husbands have surprised them. :)

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  21. Very informative, thanks for the tips...definitely gonna help
    andieleah78@gmail.com

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  22. Great advice! Will have to see how it works out!
    modularmates(at)comcast(dot)net

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  23. Great information, Cari! My husband and I have been through so many ups and Downs in our BDSM lifestyle, we still are. I find myself (the sub) often still 'telling' him what I like, thankfully, the man learns quickly.

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  24. Cari, Bravo. This is a fantastic and well-thought blog. I am going to share it with the several women I currently know that are now BDSM curious due to a release of a certain series of books. I wish all the women/men that read that particular series and think 'oh, how sexy...how awesome it sounds' would read this article first so that they get a realistic viewpoint of how to go about finding out if BDSM is REALLY what they want to get into or if it is just the idea of it. Thanks for putting this out there.

    gillespie_heidi@yahoo.com

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  25. Yes, that is another point I could have made. Sometimes your fantasies can lead you to trying things that are a stretch for you too. You do learn by trying with BDSM though. Sometimes you end up loving things you'd never suspect were your 'thing' though.

    It is possible that you like things in fiction that don't work in real life though.

    Bear in mind that the first time you try some things, whether bondage or spanking, or whatever, you may not 'click'. A lot of BDSM is, as I said above, about being in the right headspace. If you're anxious or worried about something you may not enjoy something that you will enjoy the next time.

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  26. I think that this was a great blog post for folks that are interested. It was really great that you even included some links. Best to you!

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  27. Sharing this in several places. I always love your posts. Thanks!

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  28. Con to Safeword:

    I know I'm in the minority, but to me the safe word is an outward symbol of the fact that the relationship is play pretend. Yes, its safer, saner, etc, but it lends to the fw
    Feeling of weekend warrior/scening/playing, and I always wanted something real and 24/7. In neither of my LTR's did we use safe words, and it worked well for us.

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