Sunday, September 23, 2012

My Journey into Submission


As usual we've had some great posts here recently. If you haven't read either of Tymber's or Cassandra's recent blog then I suggest you do so, they're great. Both of them made me think and my blog today stems from what's been said. For most of us involved in the lifestyle, BDSM is an ongoing journey and today I thought I'd share a little bit about the road I've travelled.
 
I've been on my journey for nearly half a century. *shudder* I just turned forty-seven; yep the terrifying fifty is on its way. No shades of grey jokes please, I couldn't cope...lol. I assume some of you are wondering why I class my childhood years as part of my journey. I do it firstly, because we are all who we are because of the whole experience of our lives not just the adult portion. My childhood also played a part in my concept of Dominance and submission, although it was flawed in many ways.
 
 
Looking back I recognize the power exchange in the family for what it was…a D/s one. My family was the traditional, father, mother and two kids. My parents stayed together until death, never divorced, my father was the head of the house, and my mother submitted to his authority. Yes she could participate in the discussion about what to do or disagree with his decisions but ultimately his word was law. That sounds very D/s to me I hear you say. Well in many ways it was but mum's submission stemmed from her religious beliefs of 'wives obeying their husband', not living a BDSM lifestyle. The flawed part of the household came with my father's dominance. He was not the Dom we read about in romance novels. He was sadistic, cruel and abusive to his children behind closed doors and the perfect loving father when in public. In my teenage years I rebelled, not only to my father's authority, but to all authority. I decided I would not be controlled by anyone, would not do as I was told and damn anyone who tried to make me behave. I like to think of my teenage years as practicing to be the perfect brat. Thinking back, the lesson I learned about submission from childhood was sometimes rebelling is what you have to do in order to find yourself.
 
Once I reached my early twenties I discovered something interesting about myself. I still had the get fucked attitude when it came to being told what to do in most areas, but I found that when it came to sex and men I wanted a take charge kind of guy in the bedroom. I lost all urge to say no way and instead turned into a submissive creature that wanted only to please and obey. I loved being tied up, unable to resist (not that I wanted to) and the first time someone bent me over their knee and spanked my cheeky ass I thought I'd gone to heaven. For a while I lead a double life. I'm sure my friends believed I never had sex, never dated, and didn't want a relationship because I kept my sex life and my 'real' life totally seperate. I worked as an advocate for women and children that were victims of abuse, yet in my personal live I was engaging in all sorts of kinky activities in secret and choosing to be dominated. Not abused, there's a clear distinction, but I knew that at the time friends and family wouldn't see it that way. It took a lot of research, reading and meeting different people on the fringe of society before I realized what BDSM and Dominance and submission actually was. It took more to finally accepted that I was a submissive. That period in my life taught me that it's okay to be submissive if that's your choice.
 
Like all new and exciting information we try to incorporate into our lives I spent my late twenties and thirties in pendulum mode until I finally found a balance. I'm embarrassed to say I did fall into the doormat role for a while, until I learned that being submissive didn't mean being a doormat. Where was Cassandra's post when I needed it? Lol. I did meet abusive men pretending to be dominants and ran like the wind once I realized what they were. Thankfully, I eventually became comfortable with my submissive side and with that I also became more open about my lifestyle and what I liked about it. I learned that I offered my submission to someone in a mutual exchange of power and that my submission should be valued as a gift and respected by the Dominant I chose to share it with.
 
By the time I met Shane - my partner, lover, friend and Dom - I knew who I was. I had a firm grasp on exactly what being a submissive was and I wasn't letting go. I believed I had finally arrived and knew exactly how the D/s thing worked. For the first time in my life I entered into a D/s relationship knowing exactly what I wanted and negotiated terms of how Shane and I would live that benefited both of us and met both our needs. Of course reality is never as perfect as you think it will be, but for the large part of our time together and our relationship worked and was a loving one. When Shane experienced some minor health issues the D/s dynamic changed somewhat. We had always enjoyed an open relationship and played with other Doms and subs on a casual basis but eventually Shane decided that in order for me to have all my needs catered to we needed to find a Dom, outside of the relationship, to meet those needs on a regular basis. I still submitted to Shane, he remained my Dom in everyday life and in overseeing the play I engaged in and with who. I was beginning to learn that being a submissive, I could offer my submission to different people under different circumstances in varying ways. 
 
 
The last lesson I learned about submission while I was with Shane was a tough one. I learned submission is never easy and you may have to fight for it. When Shane was diagnosed with terminal cancer and told that, without treatment, he had eight weeks to live, my world turned upside down. We discussed everything from his funeral, to whether to accept treatment options offered by doctors, to what I should do once he was gone. After much discussion he made the final decision on what would happen. Shane declined all treatment options except pain relief and asked that when he was too ill to advocate for himself I would ensure doctors and family abided by his decision. Responding to him was the hardest 'Yes Sir' I've ever had to say. In the following eight weeks I didn't fit any preconceived behaviors of a sub that you might see, imagine or read about, but then I'm not a stereotype, I'm a real life sub. As such, I did what my Dom asked. I made sure his wishes were adhered to. I fought with doctors over medication, refused their requests to try and get Shane to change his mind about treatment, I stood up to his family when I needed to, I organized his funeral exactly as he wanted it, I made sure everything Shane wanted happened and I hated every damn minute of doing it.
 
Then why did you do it?
 
Because as a submissive I choose. I had chosen to give my submission to Shane and entered into an agreement with him many years before he became ill. As his submissive, I chose to honor our agreement until the end.
 
So that's my journey so far, I've learned a lot and I'm sure I'll learn more before I'm finished. Being a submissive is all about choice. Sometimes the choice to submit is easy, other times it's the hardest thing to do in your life...but it's still a choice.
 



19 comments:

  1. I love your posts, Jan. Your honesty and your insight into the lifestyle is wonderful. So glad you joined the blog. This is what we need to see more of - reality to offset the abusive ideas of BDSM.


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    1. Thanks Cari, I'm so pleased I was invited to join you all here. And yes, I think there is a need to balance some of the negative perceptions out there with our own reality of the lifestyle.

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  2. I think that is something i have learned of late. Everything in life is a choice.
    Thank you for sharing Jan, it means alot.

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  3. Your post touched me, but most of all it shows your commitment. Thanks for sharing your 'choice' with us.

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  4. You know, you reduced me to tears reading that. Thanks for sharing.

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  5. Oh Jan your post was so touching it brought tears to my eyes. To lose someone that you shared everything with is extremely painful. Thank you for sharing your personal journey and showing that it is a choice. I feel that my marriage is like the one you described in regards to your family (but no abuse) D/s but without it being said. The sentence "participate in the discussion about what to do or disagree with his decisions but ultimately his word was law" is very much how I see our relationship. Whenever I mention to female friends that I need to ask my husband first about something they say "what you need his permission!" But I don't see it that way, but a mutual respect of asking what his thoughts, feelings are and how may decision may affect him. Ultimately it is MY choice to ask him, not that he demands it. I choose to ask because I want to make sure that his needs are met, that what I decide doesn't impede that. Again my choice, so I guess I am submissive without realizing until now and putting a name to it.

    My question for you Jan as a being newbie I had the impression from readings (I know fiction so that is why I need to distinguish facts from fiction) that BDSM is for young, fit, attractive people. How does someone in their mid-40's and above fit into this lifestyle in particular if the female is a single sub? I guess I tend to think a male Dom would always want to have the young thing versus someone who is a little more mature. Just something that has been going through my head lately (by the way I am almost the same age as you). :)

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    1. Hi Serenity,
      Thanks for your reply and question. There are a lot of fit, young and attractive people in the lifestyle but there are also a lot like me, you know not so fit, young and attractive :)

      Yes, there are some Doms who prefer younger and I guess that's just a personal preference but there are also lots of Doms who choose a sub based on other criteria like maturity or experience level. Attraction is no different in the BDSM scene than it is in the vanilla world and everyone has their own ideal partner, it's just a matter of finding them (easier said than done).

      I've always found people in the lifestyle to be accepting and not many of them are judgemental about looks or age etc. So I'm hoping for the best in relation to finding another Dom when I feel I'm ready to do that. I'll definitely keep you posted.

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    2. Thank you Jan for your honesty and warm spirit. I hope that you find that special someone and wish you all the best! You made me feel better knowing that a Dom would still like someone around our age. Even though I'm married and happy with my husband it helps me feel good to know that even if it is in my fantasy. :)

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  6. Wow. What a powerful post. Thank you for sharing.

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  7. Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful post. I am sure that honoring Shane's decisions were the hardest thing to do.

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  8. I've been reduced to tears as well. What an amazing, beautiful commitment.

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  9. I'm dabbing at wet eyes as well, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I can sense the deep emotional bond that you had with Shane, and I envy it. I love my husband dearly, but we have yet to find our path through the D/s lifestyle. We are learning thought, and hearing about your journey reminds me why I crave it. Thank you for opening yourself up to us.

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    1. You're welcome Lori, I'm sure you and hubby will find your way through the lifestyle if that's what you crave. I wish you well in your journey together.

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  10. Beautiful post, Jan. Thank you so much for sharing.

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  11. Thanks for sharing your experiences, Jan. this was a wonderful post.

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  12. Thanks for the lovely comments everyone.

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  13. Thanks for sharing your story, and giving some insight into why some people might choose the life. I like your point about your family growing up. I too lived in a household where my "father" was supposed to be obeyed without question. My mom wasn't a door mat, but took a lot that was defintely abuse. It left me with a lot of questions growing up. I later learned that my parents situation wasn't unique and they did lead what would be classed an alternate lifestyle, but not a healthy one. In the beginning it made me question my interest in things that later would be linked to BDSM. Getting older and maturing more made me realize that with anything there are good and bad. So, I'm hoping to find my way now and pursue my interest in BDSM. Thanks, for sharing a touching story and showing that no matter what in life there is good and bad. It sounded like you were lucky to have Shane and unfortunately it ended. Sorry about your loss, but glad you were fortunate to have him while you did.

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  14. ((HUGS)) Thank you for sharing, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  15. Oh wow, Jan, what a story and what a strong woman you are! I'm so sorry for your loss. Cancer is a bitch (I'm a survivor) but I'm happy Shane had you to advocate for him. Thanks for sharing with us.

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