Monday, December 10, 2012

BDSM Facts & Fallacies: Free-ranging subbies.

I'm going to do a series of quickie posts inspired by questions I get so frequently (or see others ask elsewhere) that they're practically turning into BDSM tropes. Unfortunately, the fact that they're so often used in BDSM fiction doesn't help shine light on the reality.

Today's topic: Free-ranging submissives

What do I mean by that?

Stop me if you've heard/seen this in a book before. A female submissive somehow accidentally (or on purpose) stumbles into a private BDSM club. Because there's no collar on her neck, some big, bad Dom (good guy or villain) grabs her and starts playing with her even if she's said no.

For starters, that's assault, not consensual BDSM play.

Secondly, the private clubs I've been to require membership, and usually have an outer lobby or office area you must pass through to check in. To join, it's commonly required you either have to be sponsored by someone who is already a member of good standing of the club, or you have to attend either an orientation class during non-play hours, or attend a sponsored munch or other event so they can get to know the prospective member.

Thirdly, the private clubs I've been to have dungeon monitors (DMs) on staff to watch play, and if a safeword is called out, they WILL step in and stop play. If they don't, someone else will. (If players are doing a heavy or consensual non-consent (CNC) scene, they will notify the DMs in advance so that their play is not interrupted, but the submissive will still have a safeword, usually.) It's common for the "dungeon" safeword to be RED, and if it's called out and play isn't stopped, people will step in to stop play.

I've been to fetish nights held at a bar, where the public is allowed in (provided they pay a cover charge). But these events usually include extra security, DMs, or bouncers who will also step in if someone yells something appearing to be a safeword.

You can also ask staff if they could introduce you to someone willing to mentor you, or at least talk to you for the night, or who could help answer your questions. All you have to do is ask.

I know a lot of submissives that go to events and don't wear collars. Yes, it's common for someone to come up and talk to a person, but dragging them off to play? No. All you have to do if you're asked to play is say, "Sorry, no thanks." If the person keeps bugging you, tell them to fuck off. If that doesn't work, find a DM/staffer and tell them what's up, and I can pretty much guarantee you the asshat will be escorted out.

If you're at a private play party at a home, keep in mind that someone taking the risk to host a play party is not going to risk getting sued or arrested later. So if someone screams a safeword, someone WILL step in, if nothing else to ascertain what the frak is going on. The private play parties I go to, everyone at the very least knows each other, and if something happens, more than one person will step in.

So feel free to check out a local dungeon or fetish event. You're not going to get dragged into a play scene you don't want to be in, and you won't be sold or auctioned off or whatever. Remember that fiction is FICTION and frequently bears little to no resemblance to real life.

Feel free to chime in with your comments, or any questions you'd like to see answered in future posts.

* * *

My latest release is "Out of Bight, Out of Mind," the fourth installment in my Deep Space Mission Corps series. You can find it and my other Siren-BookStrand releases under all my pen names at:

http://www.bookstrand.com/tymber-dalton


The correct reading order for the series is:

1) Love at First Bight
2) Bightmares
3) Spider Bight
4) Out of Bight, Out of Mind


Also, the first book in my Bleacke Shifter series, "Bleacke's Geek," is available on my website, Kindle, Nook, AllRomanceEbooks, Smashwords, and Kobo. You can find all the links HERE.

I have a chat list now, too! http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TymbersTrybe/

And you can find me on the web at:

http://tymberdalton.com
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6 comments:

  1. I cannot stop giggling at the image of being a free range subbie.

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  2. Can I just say thanks. This has been a bit of a niggle of mine when I have read stories that start like that... where "safe, sane & consensual" is the initial premise but then the sub is ignored because 'really you want this' huh? I thought choice is what it is all about... It is the how that comes after the choice is made. Just IMHO ...

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  3. So do you pay extra for a free range subbie as opposed to a cage raised one ;) I always think uggg what is the writer thinking when this comes into a novel.

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  4. Thanks everyone! :)

    And yes, I also cringe (and usually stop reading) when a sub says "no" but the top doesn't stop. At the very least, in real life even if the top did think the subbie really wanted it, they would still stop (as long as they aren't a douche) and have a talk with the subbie before continuing play. But when I see something like that in a book, I just cannot suspend my disbelief as a reader since I'm really in the lifestyle. It just shows me that either the writer didn't do their research and they aren't in the lifestyle, or if they are claiming to be in the lifestyle, they sure as hell don't know what they're doing.

    I don't expect perfection in a book, but when I'm dropped on my head out of readerspace, the author's usually lost me for the rest of the book, as well as future books.

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  5. Great post, Tymber and I love the idea for more posts like this. I was one of those free-ranging subs that you're talking about. Guess I still am since I'm not collared, but I have enough friends who I hang out with at the dungeon, plus the protection of my "sometime" Dom, R, that I'm not worried about the things I used to be when I first started in the public scene. I wasn't so much afraid that some asshole Dom was going to drag me to a cross, after I've politely said, "No, thanks." I was more concerned that I wouldn't be able to tell if a Dom I didn;t know was safe enough to play with. I was very lucky that I made friends with well known and respected Doms and subs very early on.

    I agree that when I read about the type of thing you're talking about, I get annoyed and just like a scratch on a vinyl record, I'm no longer in that reader space, but in clearly, this author is a wanna be and I hope new subs don't read this and think this is what really happens-space. I'm lucky that I did a lot of reading and research before I entered the scene because I was doing it alone and as a single, female sub I wanted to make sure I knew what I was walking into. I'm also old enough and have seen enough of other types of lifestyles to know that a little education goes a long way, which is why the first thing I did after I decided that I HAD to check this all out, was go to a class...and then another class...and another class, etc. I went to quite a few before I went to a public play party and by that time, I had made some friends who had my back in case some jerk approached me in the club and was acting, well, like a jerk!

    As it turned out, I never had to deal with it because the only guys who came up to me were subs who wanted to rub my feet or be my personal rug! In that case, my lack of collar was read by these dudes as I was a Mistress! Same coin, different side. Still annoying!

    Again, thanks for the great posts. I really hope that subs like myself find their way to the Playroom the same way I did when I was just coming out.

    mj

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