Saturday, September 24, 2011

Writing what you know.

Now that I no longer make a secret of the fact that I am an active participant in the BDSM lifestyle, I am frequently asked about things I've written. "Did you do THAT?"

Sometimes the answer is no. Sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes the answer is not exactly. LOL

Have some people I know, or things that I've seen, made their way into my books? Absolutely. (Or they will if they haven't yet.) But I will never, ever write something that would identify someone. I will always change things around so that the original event/people are not identifiable. I've also had a lot of people ask in a very hopeful way if they (or something they've done) will make it into one of my books.

As to what I personally have experienced... LOL I guess I'll have to just leave you guessing, won't I?

That said, I would like to say why I'm a participant in the lifestyle. First of all, let me tell you what I'm not. (And nothing against people who are these things, but it helps narrow things down.) I'm not swinger or into random sex. I love my husband very much, and he loves me, and we are committed to each other. We don't go hooking up or sleeping around. And I know a lot of people in the lifestyle who are also into monogamous relationships, so that's not surprising if you're at all familiar with the lifestyle. I don't play with people I've just met. In fact, I only play with two people: my husband, and another friend of ours (who is also in a committed marriage) who I both top and bottom to.

So that should narrow things down a lot, shouldn't it? I know a lot of people who are not familiar with the lifestyle view people into BDSM as either sex-crazed swingers who will fuck anything that moves, or people who are deviants and love inflicting pain on others.

Well, okay, I do love inflicting pain, but only on one particular person. LOL And honestly? I never saw myself as a sadist when I first started this, because my husband is definitely NOT a masochist. But as our horizons broadened a little, and I started learning how to be a top, I realized it's fun to be able to give someone what they want in the way of sensation play. It's not all about pain. It's also not all about sex. Most if it isn't about sex, as a matter of fact, although the play certainly can be sexy.

You see, I'm what's called a switch. I will top and bottom. But I consider myself "Dominant" in all other areas of my life. I will not submit to some random dom who walks up to me at a party thinking he can play with me. (And if someone was to try it, they'd find themselves on the wrong end of Hubby and Sir.) I only bottom to Hubby and Sir. And since Hubby isn't a sadist either, when it comes to more intense play, he tends to step aside and have fun watching me with Sir. When I'm in Top mode, again, Hubby participates in the play levels he's into, and when he's ready to step aside and enjoy the show, he turns me loose on Sir, who then turns into the pup.

And away we go.

Confused yet? LOL

I'm also not a masochist. Which will come as a shocker to anyone who's ever witnessed me bottom at a party before. My Sir, in His Top mode, is a VERY heavy sadist. I don't enjoy the pain. But I will also rarely code until He's pushed me past what I know I can physically handle.

So why do I take the pain?

Honestly? Because it helps me. See, for those of you who don't know, I have fibromyalgia. And we've discovered that the endorphin rush I get from subspace from a very heavy play session is better than any pain reliever I've ever found. I enjoy having bruises that last for days. I smile when I sit down and my ass is still sore the next day. Because it means my liver gets at least a couple days off from me taking OTC painkillers for my pain.

I thought I was just weird until I found out a lot of people with fibro or other chronic pain issues also enjoy impact play and receive the same pain relief benefits from it. Think of a really heavy massage that almost (or does) hurt when you get it. Doesn't it feel really good later? Same basic principle. Or think about the pain after a really good workout. You ache, but it's a good kind of ache. (Unless you've hurt yourself in a bad way!)

Another reason I enjoy bottoming is that I enjoy the freedom of letting go for a while, handing myself over to someone else who can literally take the world away for a few hours. I can simply be and focus only on what I'm told to focus on. It's a fantastic mental reset.

As a top, it's not so much that I enjoy inflicting pain, it's that I enjoy taking control and knowing that I'm giving the same kind of sensations to someone else that I'm able to enjoy. The same release of control to another. The same freedom from submission.

I know there are some people who can never understand that. I know I used to be one of them. A few years ago, had you told me I'd be doing this, I would have told you to go fuck yourself, because you were crazy.

Now, I know better. *smile*

When you utterly trust someone so much that you know you can literally lay your health and safety in their hands, it's beyond liberating. Oh, at any time I can stop the process or change it to suit me. Sometimes I have to if my body doesn't want to cooperate on any given play date. Sometimes I can just go with the flow. It's also a very...enriching experience to know that someone has the same kind of trust and faith in you, that they will bottom to you and let you guide them through a play session.

It's not just about kink. It's also not just about sex. It's about trust and faith and communication. And I feel sorry for people who never get to experience that kind of connection with another human being. It's also about having fun, and as Hubby, Sir and I have all agreed, the day it stops being fun first and foremost is the day we stop playing. We are friends above all else, in the lifestyle and outside it. The BDSM play is just a really fun bonus.

(Tymber Dalton is a bestselling author and active in the BDSM lifestyle. Her website is


  1. Tyber, this is beautifully written, honest and to the point. I have tried to explain how it feels to completely turn yourself over to someone and just "be" and let the rest of the world fade away for just a little while. They don't get it, and they won't unless they experience it themselves.

  2. Tammy - Thank you. :)

    Very true. And I'll admit, I used to be one of "them." LOL

  3. As some with pain issues, it's also the feeling of a different pain. I can block out the everyday pain and live within the pain of the moment.

    Thank you for this. I love your books and this makes them just a little more special.

  4. Thanks for your honest and revealing blog, Tymber! Fascinating insights!

  5. Tymber I love your books and this make me just love them that much more. This lifestyle just draws me. Thank you for tell us there is nothing wrong with those of us who want something like this. I so look forward to what the future may hold.