Friday, September 30, 2011

Give me What I NEED

Without giving too much away, I have to say, my new book, The Trip, and readers reaction to it, has gotten me thinking about this a lot. Relationships, commitment, love, and how both are supposed to satisfy the needs of everyone involved (see how I evaded the 2 people restriction? <g>). If you're in a relationship and your needs aren't being met, you shouldn't be in it, right?

But what are your needs?

For me, I know I enjoy breakfast in bed once in awhile. Don't get that often enough. I like surprise gifts. It's been too long since the last one. And then there's going out to movies and fancy restaurants and . . .

Wants. Those are things I want.

What I need takes more thought. I need to feel important. Like there's no one else who could be who I am. Like I have something to offer. I need to be touched, spoken to, listened to. I need the silence filled, I need quiet moments. I need to smile and laugh. I need passion.

These things can't be bought. They all take effort. But without them, I'm not truly happy.

But what about sex? Do I need sex or just want it?

Well, it's easy to dismiss sex as something all of us wants once in awhile, but we don't really need. I'd argue that the level of intimacy that can be reached during sex is essential. Studies say people who have satisfying sex lives are healthier.

Good reason to get it on, right?

Only, things aren't as simple as tab A into slot B for everyone. So simple 'vanilla' sex isn't satisfying. They need something extra to get to a place where they feel fulfilled. Without the extra, having sex can be a chore. Because the act is all give and no take for at least one of the bodies in the bed. And that's all they are. Bodies without any connection.

Because if there was a connection, someone would realize something wasn't working, no?

The problem is, realizing this takes more effort than is present in most relationships. Yes, I'm saying most. Whether it's lack of time, or lack of interest, the average relationship eventually loses 'that loving feeling'. At least one person isn't getting their needs met and eventually they get fed up.

When those needs involve things that fall under the scope of BDSM, things can get complicated. How do you explain to your significant other that you NEED to be tied up to enjoy sex? Or that you NEED to have control taken away? Or that you NEED a bit of pain to feel pleasure?

I don't claim to have all the answers, but I am getting what I need. Maybe not exactly the way I want, or as often as I want—notice, want—but I am getting enough to know that I'm worth the effort. Asking for it was hard. I don't want to have to ask for pain and rough sex. I want the man in my life to just know what I need.

But he needs me to tell him.

And if you want to take a look at The Trip check out my book page: for all my links and excerpts.

Quick question before I go. Do you know what your needs are? Does anyone else?


  1. Great post! You're lucky that in communicating your needs, your partner was able to help with them.

    But there are also those relationships where communicating those needs gets met with a blank stare. :-/ When that happens, you have to prioritize your needs.

    Just my 2 cents. :)

  2. Excellent blog, as always. The negotiation of a BDSM relationship fascinates me and is a major part of the first half of Nobody's Angel.

    In real life, I have to balance my needs with my husband's. (He has a need not to inflict pain on someone else!) Therein lies the conflict.

    But he's open to exploring fantasies and role-playing--so, he's able to give me some of what I need (even if he isn't into the "Dom" thing. But perhaps with time, we'll stretch the boundaries. :)

  3. This is a lovely intro into those posts we're planning about real people and how they got BDSM into their lives.
    Thanks for sharing Bianca