Friday, October 14, 2011

How many "flavors" of kink?

"I don't care if someone likes being dressed up like a refrigerator while a midget blows them and shoves bananas in their ass, as long as it makes them happy." - Mr. B.

The above quote is from my Sir. (Yes, I warned Him I'd be using it for a book at some point in time. LOL And no, you cannot use it. LOL) The context in which it was uttered was during a discussion the two of us were having about different kinks, preconceived notions, and the impact revelations could have on another person in a D/s relationship. It was triggered by a blog post I'd read, where the woman talked about something she and her Master hadn't done, but he'd once talked about doing. Then, when she'd sort of gotten in her head that while she wouldn't like doing the actual act, it was the act of doing it FOR him she'd like, he admitted in another conversation that one of her fears was valid, he might think less of her for doing it, hence he didn't want to actually DO it to her.

Did that make sense?

So I'd pointed out the blog in question to Sir, and the dialog that ensued between us was His reassurances that no matter what it was I wanted to do, as long as it was relatively safe and consensual (we've already tossed sane and totally safe out the window LOL) He would never think less of me for wanting to do it. And likewise, I know I would never think less of Him for wanting to do things. We both might come up with things we want to do that, for lack of time, money, equipment, or other resources, can't be done, or are just strictly fantasy ideas that we don't want to do in reality (but make for really hot scene discussions). Regardless, we have the respect and caring for each other that it's okay to be totally open and honest.

So having explained all that so you understand where the refrigerator comment is coming from, I use it to illustrate that just because YKINMK (Your Kink Is Not My Kink) doesn't mean there's anything "wrong" with it (as long as all the participants are consenting human adults).

Another seed this blog post sprouted from was a question from a fellow writer (who is involved in the lifestyle) asked on a board I'm on about reviewing a BDSM book that really didn't have BDSM in it, and what it did have...let's just say it was sloppy work on the part of the author of that book, because it was obvious they were neither involved in the lifestyle, nor did they do adequate research. And the author apparently took offense to a fair and not at all bad review, all things considered. (Authors behaving badly in response to reviews is a whoooooole 'nother blog topic I won't deal with today.) So the reviewer was asking how to handle the situation.

I know that a lot of readers--and this is NOT a slam--who read BDSM books aren't in the lifestyle. What they know of the lifestyle is mostly coming from what they read in fiction, or what they see on the internet. But let's face it, while I might be fascinated by a slice-of-life piece about a D/s couple who are 24/7 and not into sadism of any kind, someone not in the lifestyle who expects whips and chains and multiple forced orgasms might read it and not understand that "flavor" of non-vanilla.

I know, yes, in real life, people in the lifestyle who are on the mild end of the scale. To them, it's about the power exchange dynamic, it only happens in the bedroom, and it's about the sex. That's fine. Nothing wrong with that. I also know people, literally, in 24/7 relationships, where it's not just about the power exchange, but about sadism. That's fine, too. I know people who like to go to play parties and get beaten, and not be "Dominated." That's a valid kink. There is no "won twue way."

The basis of BDSM, regardless of what flavor it takes, is the trust bond between the participants. How deep this trust bond goes can range from, "I trust that when I get done beating you tonight, you won't be a douche tomorrow and call the cops," all the way to, "I trust that when you bind me and put me in those restraints and gag me and use a sharp knife on me, that you will neither harm me in a way that is beyond my limits, nor will you ignore me if I safeword and want to end the scene." So, in other words, the trust bond ranges from a handshake agreement all the way to, literally, trusting your health, life, and well-being to another person.

A lot of people think BDSM is all about sex, and while yes, sex is an important aspect for some participants, it's not the only aspect, or even the primary aspect to some people. I know people in the lifestyle who will to bottom to someone at a party, and no sexual contact will happen between the participants at all. I know some people who will play at a party and they get tied up and forced to orgasm, with no impact play. Again, there are wide varieties of flavors in this pornocopia of play. (Yes, that was on purpose.)

So to bring this around full circle, my point is that if you want to be involved in the lifestyle, be open. Be honest. And be non-judgmental. You don't have to like someone else's kink (again, I'm working on the consenting human adults premise). If you don't like it, you don't have to do it. But remember that just because you have an idea of what BDSM "should" be doesn't mean you know it all. (Especially if you aren't involved in the lifestyle.) I also know from personal experience, and from hearing it from other people, there are plenty of people out there scared to admit their true desires for fear of how their partner will react. For instance, how many times have you heard about straight guys who secretly desire anal play, but they're afraid that will "make them gay" or freak out their partner? Got a news flash for you, it's not unnatural, or else our bodies wouldn't be made to positively respond to the stimulus. Get over it, dudes. So you like your back door played with. Have at it, and don't deny yourself. You might be surprised to find your lady enjoys putting on a strap-on and reaming you out (while envisioning all the times you forgot to put your dirty clothes in the hamper).

If you're in a relationship, there should be a "safe place" provision, if nothing else, a designated time to say, "Okay, look, we can talk about these things, and some of them we might want to try, some of them we might not, and some of them might be left forever in the fantasy realm. But I won't think less of you for talking about it."

Because in all honesty, if you can't trust someone enough to TALK about stuff, how can you trust them with the important stuff?

And if they want a banana shoved up their ass, then I say by all means, go for it. Just don't forget to use a firm one and put a towel down first. And use loooots of lube. :)

(Tymber Dalton is a BDSM lifestyle switch and bestselling author. You can read more about her, including her latest releases, on her website at


  1. Another great post Tymber. Fascinating, even though I don't want to dress up as a refrigerator or be used as a temporary fruit receptacle...I think LOL

  2. Thank you Tymber, you have a way with words.

  3. Great post, Tymber. I love that your posts are always both funny and informative. I look forward to the next one. And my husband winced when I told him your quote. :)

  4. I'm interested in that world but gotta find the right guy.

  5. There is nothing in the world funnier than people and the ideas they come up with. Granted, sometimes you don't see the humor if you're standing too close -- but step back a few feet and reach for some objectivity, and try not to hurt yourself laughing. Of course, I hope you're laughing with them and not at them.

  6. Riane - Thanks. :) LOL

    Anon - Yes, but you can "fish in the right pond," so to speak. :)

    Pogonip - LOL

  7. Tymber, This post reminded me of a funny song I heard by Eva Moon. It's called "Elements of Kink" I think you'd get a kick out of it.

  8. I agree with what you said. I love being spanked. My only problems in the scene are that some people try to change me into a D/s or MASTER/slave type of relationship and I'm no slave--just a spanko, and I've had people tell me that "NO" doesn't mean no, it means "I haven't trained you yet."
    those people never see me again.

  9. Great post, as always, Tymber. I'm having fun including some "educational" aspects of the lifestyle in my Rescue Me series and two of my Doms in Nobody's Angel refer to BDSM as being a spectrum. (I guess spectrum resonated with me because I have a daughter who is on the Asperger's end of the autism spectrum.)

    But, as long as the two adults consent to whatever they want to do, it's all good!

    I'm one of those authors who has only been on the bondage/spanking/blindfolding end of the spectrum, so I learn about most of what I write from those in the lifestyle online. People in the lifestyle say I'm getting it right--but there's so much to learn! I have upcoming books with an SM couple and a FemDom. So, I'll keep coming back here for yours and other contributors' honest and open blogs to help educate ME!