Tuesday, October 18, 2011

A submissive's perspective on a long distance relationship

A dear friend of mine agreed to let me interview her today for The Playroom. We met thanks to some on-line writing I’d done, and we’ve been friends ever since.  She is from Italy, so English is not her first language.

Ms. Hayes:            First of all, thank you for doing this. You and your Dom have a long distance relationship. Can you tell us how you two met? (I know I know this, but THEY don't)

Kim:                 (ehehehe. Ok)
Well, we met the first time when I was 15. He was 32 and we met during a convention about popular Art in Middle Age in Europe. He's from Russia, and between the many things he's he also is an expert in that field. I was captivated by him since the first moment. I could already speak Russian, and that's the reason my school chose me for the convention.
We started to spend a long time together, just talking about history and art, and studying his language better that I ever would with any other teacher. We spent a long time just talking most of the time. He was probably the first person ever to know me better then I knew myself. Nothing happened until I was 17. He's not a pervert or anything like that, and I'd like for people to respect that.
He already was in the lifestyle. But he never introduced me until he knew I was ready to come to him as his sub. And it was a long journey for me. A very long one. I always was and am a very independent person. I have a career that put me in charge of other people, and I had a very hard time realizing that I wanted to submit to him.
I spent more than 10 years to reach that realization. Jurij, my Dom, had to go back to Russia when I was 18, and for a lot of reasons, many of them related to the fact I had to finish school, and I still had to realize what I was and wanted, we separated, but never lost each other. We kept keeping in touch.

Ms. Hayes:            So it took you more than 10 years to realize that you wanted to be is submissive. Was there something that sparked this realization?

Kim:                 Yes, there was something. As it always happens, there are the small things that help you to realize something big. For me was reading a fanfiction and meeting the author of that story on a chat forum.
She basically realized I was having a lot of trouble with what I thought I wanted, and what I really wanted, and suggested that I to just talk to Jurij, and see if he could be the one owning the keys to unlock the cage I put myself into without even realizing it.

Ms. Hayes:            I’m assuming you took her advice. How did that go?

Kim:                 I called Jurij one night, without even realizing what I was doing until I heard his voice, and told him what I had in my mind. He stayed silent for a very long time, until I told him everything and when he finally spoke it was just to ask me one question, if I was sure I was ready for that. I answered him that in the chaos I had in my mind… To be with him, to be his sub, was the only thing that still made sense. Then he spoke again, just to tell me that it was a long time he was waiting for those words

Ms. Hayes:            Since you said he waited for over 10 years, I imagine he was wondering if they were every going to happen.

Kim:                 As I told you, Jurij was the first person who always knew me better than I know myself. He's in the lifestyle since he was 16, and he has a lot of experience both with subs and Doms who he trains.
He always knew I was a sub, even before I realized that about myself.

Ms. Hayes:             How long have you two been a D/s couple?

Kim:                 We are going to celebrate our first anniversary on Christmas.

Ms. Hayes:            Wow. It seems longer than that.

Kim:                 It feel like it is longer. Maybe because we know each other so well

Ms. Hayes:            You said he was from Russia. I know he still lives there and you live in Italy. How does that affect your relationship?

Kim:                 It's hard. It's very hard. Usually he's able to come in Italy and I'm able to go to Russia at least once every two months, but because of his job I know there are times when we can't see each other for very long periods of time, and that's usually very hard on both of us

Ms. Hayes:            Does the distance change the way you both live the lifestyle of Dom and sub at all?

Kim:                 No, not really. I still have his rules to follow, even if I tend to break the one about my sleep, due to my work, and my insomnia. And yes, I know he won't be happy about that when he'll be back. The only thing that really changes is that we can't play of course. But that doesn’t change how we feel for each other

Ms. Hayes:             You're right. He won't.
I know you said that you used to talk once a week during that 10 year+ time span. Do you still talk once a week or has that changed since your relationship began?

Kim:                 No, that changed. Now we talk once a day. And if he has a feeling I'm breaking his rule about sleep time, even more that that

Ms. Hayes:            Other than sleeping, what are some of the rules you have to follow?

Kim:                 I have rules about what I can or can't eat, and general behaving rules.

Ms. Hayes:            And how does he deal with you breaking a rule given he's so far away?

Kim:                 My Dom is a very powerful one. He has a way to make you wish you could disappear just using his voice. He deals with my slips with that, and I feel so ashamed I broke his rules and disappointed him that I try my best not to do that. But if I slip big time, he deals with that when we are together, and usually is not nice when he does that.

Ms. Hayes:            Do you ever regret having a Dom that lives so far away?

Kim:                 No, that would mean regretting choosing Jurij, and I'd never do that.

Ms. Hayes:            Do you two plan to continue long distance or do you eventually hope to live in the same country, city, or even location?

Kim:                 We are counting on living together soon.

Ms. Hayes:            I bet you are happy about that. Do you think it will be a huge adjustment to have him there all the time?

Kim:                 I think it'll be a bet. lol. I'm too used to my space to be an easy roommate.

Ms. Hayes:            a bet?

Kim:                 bet

Ms. Hayes:            just checking. lol

Kim:                 :)

Ms. Hayes:            If someone was considering a long distance D/s relationship, what advise would you give them?

Kim:                 Trust in what you have with your Dom or sub, and always talk to him or her to be sure that you are on the same page with everything. And if you are a sub, never let your Dom be oblivious if you are having a hard time or you have something in your mind who is bothering you. Silence is never the answer

Ms. Hayes:            Is there anything else you'd like to share?

Kim:                 No, not really. I'm very territorial. I don't like too much to share my Dom. Lol.

Ms. Hayes:            Hahaha. I'm sure you feel like you share him enough as it is.

Kim:                 That's damn right. :)


  1. That was a great interview. Thank you for your honesty Kim. I don't know how you manage to live that far apart but you must have an amazing connection. I hope your relationship continues to blossom and good luck when your Dom moves in. It will be a huge change I can imagine.

  2. Thanks Kitty. I'll be giving Kim the link later today.

  3. I LOVED this interview. I think I teared up a little when you were talking about discovering what you needed and wanted, and you made that call. God, long distance can be hard, trust me, I know, I did it and it was one of the most painfully lonely parts of my life. But you know when you have found the best partner and Dom, and it sounds like you have found a perfect Dom!

    Cheers to you, hun!


  4. What a sweet interview. Wow, it really is something like out of a romance novel...well at least the kind of romance novels that I read. :) I could perfectly picture how they met and wow, I'm totally jealous. Good luck with the future and as long as you keep on talking to each other and being honest I see a long, happy life together.

  5. I loved how they took it so slow. Showed patience, love, understanding of each other. Reminds me *swoon* of Captain Corelli's Mandolin

  6. Kim wanted me to thank all of you for your comments. She was very pleased with the responses.

  7. Great interview. When will the book be out? ;) (Only teasing, although I think it would make a beautiful book...)