Thursday, October 6, 2011

It's not all about the kink.

Forgive me for randomness of thoughts and typos today, I'm waging a war with a sinus infection. Not fun.

One of the things I love about being involved in BDSM in our area is that we have cultivated a fantastic group of friends locally that we otherwise never would have met. People with wicked senses of humor who can look at a kitchen store utensil selection with the same twisted eye that I can.

I also love that this group of people is one of the most welcoming and helpful bunch you'll ever hope to meet. I remember when I was a newbie, and went to one of my first play parties. I was asking a Dom about his floggers, and he started showing me different ones and explaining them to me. Within five minutes, I was literally surrounded by about a half-dozen Doms, all showing off their floggers and explaining them. It was sweet and funny all at the same time. And no, not a single one of them propositioned me.

Another Dom friend of mine helped me learn how to use a singletail, gave me several lessons with it. He also introduced me to fire cupping, something I am now addicted to because it really helps my fibro pain. (This is also an ancient Chinese medical practice.)

I'm also frequently asked by people, "How do I find a Dom?"

Frankly, you first need to make friends. Sometimes, people end up in "sub frenzy," so desperate to have that D/s relationship that they check their brains at the door and get themselves into trouble. It's far better to cultivate a wide group of diverse friends in the lifestyle FIRST. Because honestly? It's like any other relationship. If you can't be friends with someone first, anything deeper, especially a BDSM relationship, just isn't possible. And in this case, not only is it not possible, it's potentially dangerous.

I know it's scary to go to your first Munch or play party, but believe me, everyone felt that way their first time. Find whoever is in charge, tell then you're new and nervous, and they will be more than happy to either show you around and introduce you, or they will help you meet people who can give you that attention. No, not every group is a good fit for every person, but the people who fit in best are those who go in with no expectations and aren't "on the hunt" for someone to play with. The people who invariably fit in best are those who come in with open minds, honesty, and the ability to rein in their libido and act like an adult without bringing drama into the group.

Honestly, I really find I prefer my kinky friends now. I can totally be myself around them, and they accept me for who I am the same way I accept them for who they are. There's no need to have some "big secret" hanging over my head that I have to worry about if it'll offend them or not. Conversations can take any direction and, with maybe the exception of politics and religion, there's little chance of someone getting offended. Not to say that all conversations are kink-related. On the contrary, it's not unusual to be standing at a play party, with people playing all around, with the most mundane of conversations going on.

Yes, it's definitely not what a lot of people would expect. LOL

So if you've been "scared" to get out in the local crowd and meet people, don't be. They were where you now are. And if you just go in with an open mind and a willingness to learn, chances are you could make some life-long friends.

(Tymber Dalton is a bestselling author and BDSM lifestyle switch. You can find more about her, including her latest releases, at )


  1. I need to do this!

    I'm still really nervous, but learning about your experiences does help. Hopefully, one day, I'll be able to come here and share!

    Great post, Tymber :)


  2. Thanks, Bianca! :) I hope you do make it to a local event sometime. :)

  3. Great post. Not a hope of me going to a play party here. My DH would need CPR if I suggested it.

    Still, I live in hope. You never never know...

  4. Hey, tell him you want to go for "research." Then while you're there, say, "Oooh, THAT looks like fun to try." LOL He might surprise you.

  5. Tymber, you have NO idea. My husband is very introverted. He'll get kinky but where others can see him? No way. LOL. And being seen in public would freak him out even if he was just 'there' and watching others.

  6. Though...addendum, it does tempt me. Maybe one day if I can justify it truly for research, I'll go to one by myself. Bit of trust involved there though.
    heehee Not sure I trust me enough!

  7. I don't have the chance to go to munches or clubs - I don't even know of any here in the UK..but I've been fascinated by BDSM for a long time and finally decided to do something about it.
    I joined and chatted (online) to different people. I finally met a dom who seemed to be "right" for me. Over the course of several months we communicated via email, then texts and then phone calls. He also visits my blog to see the vanilla me (and to see how many "coded" messages I can fit into my posts!lol)
    This week we met for the first time and the experience was incredible. We both agree that I'm not a natural submissive and I didn't enjoy all our activities but loved others.
    I'm probably a switch but need more experience to truly discover my boundaries and limits.
    The evening ended very sweetly with us just chatting with me sitting naked on his lap.
    Because of my home circumstances we don't know when we'll be able to meet up again but we both want to very much.
    I hope this helps , in some small way, those who are thinking about taking the plunge.

  8. Cari - You could ask him just to accompany you to observe, not play. :) Then there's nothing for him to stress over. :)

    SusieJ - There is a very active BDSM community in the UK. Go onto and get an account (free). You can search for events and kinksters by location.

  9. I try regularly to get my wife to attend local Detroit-area events with me. (I won't go without her.) I haven't been successful, but that's never stopped me before.

    On another note, have you tried a TENS machine for your fibro pain? My chiropractor recently used something like it to alleviate my back spasms. I enjoyed it very much, even when he turned it up and it hurt a little more than I liked. It was very tingly. It shocks/overloads the muscle into forgetting to feel pain or something like that. And now I want one for private use.

  10. Thanks Tymber - I'll check that out. :)

  11. Wow, I'm very impressed to find so many like minded people, thanks Tymber for all your information and I will definetly try the fire cupping for my fibro pain since they're not much help besides pain meds, love your writing!