Sunday, October 9, 2011

Kink Saved Our Marriage

Below is the story of Master Dee and his wife Kitty. They tell this real story of their lives very well with their own words so please read on. Cari Silverwood

Hi everyone,

I have been asked by the lovely folk here to share a story with you that we have previously shared with them on other forums and of course I was only to happy to oblige. My name is Master Dee, I'm sorry but we are not comfortable sharing our real names. I hope you understand. The following is the original post of my wife and sub Kitty Dee and then my reply after it, I was thinking of trying to rewrite the story but Kitty's words still ring true and I felt there was no need to change any of them.

Kitty Dee
My husband and I have been together for 16 years now and I am amazed to say that this last year has been a huge roller coaster ride.

Our journey started when we were in Grade 12, him chasing me like a lost puppy, pining and ogling me like a must needed prize. I admit, I was a bit stand-offish at first not really sure what this crazed male was all about. We became friends first and then of course I gave in to his hunting techniques. LOL. My most favorite would have to be him following behind me after a school dance night whispering in my ear "David is a figment of your imagination." David at that time was my on/off boyfriend who my hubbie at the time thought I was still going out with (a little lying on my part as I was a little too shy to say yes to his advances). I fell in love very fast after saying yes to going out with him, enjoying his dry sense of humor, his wit, his dimpled smiles that made me melt at the knees (and still do).

We dated for 4 years before he asked me to marry him, both of us only 20 at the time of our engagement. We married, me at 21 years old, him 20 still. I gave birth to his two beautiful children and life went on from there. We got comfortable in our little rut of a life, but unfortunately after having our first child emotions and problems started to happen. We stopped talking to each other and neither of us were comfortable discussing problems as we were too scared to hurt the other. Stupid you say, well I agree totally. We slowly drifted apart, just numbly going from week to week, year to year. I regressed into my books and friends, he regressed into his computer games. We would snap at each other once in a while but never tell each other what we felt.

I won't go into our ins and outs of our arguments' as I feel they are a very personal thing. All you need to know is that we pretty much got to the point where I despised him and actually couldn't stand being around him. He was depressed and lonely and both of us got very close to walking out on each other.

Then he found Cherise Sinclair's Shadowlands novels on the iPad. I came home one night from work to have a message texted to me. "We need to talk." My heart dropped immediately thinking the worst. He was leaving me. I walked into the house, my heart literally jumping out of my throat when he shows me the books. You know, I didn't feel any better. He wanted to know why I hadn't told him I was interested in the BDSM scene, that I never tell him anything. It all just fell out from there.

We talked, we cried, we talked. It went on for a few weeks, both of us slowly admitting what our problems were with each other, why we felt the way we did. I tell you, it was very hard. I am not used to talking about personal stuff, even with my hubbie. At the start texting was the easiest cause then at least you could get it across the way you meant it and not fumble and make an idiot of yourself. Slowly but surely our trust in each other grew and eventually we gave up on the texting and just plain said it to each others faces. I still now find myself wanting to hold back on telling him stuff but then think, 'No, do not go down that path again.'
After sorting our relationship shit he asked again about my BDSM interests. Honestly, before reading Cherise's books I looked at BDSM as most people do, perverted sick crap. I shake my head at that thought now finally understanding what it is all about. Reading Cherise's books opened another world to me and it piqued my interest like I never thought it would. I understand there are some BDSM practices out there that will never interest me and definitely make me squirm and quite honestly cringe, but each to their own.

I found out that hubbie was always interested in it but didn't ever think I would be. We talked about what interested us, which I must admit was very hard to say. When it comes to sex I find myself very private and even embarrassed. Stupid hey? LOL. Well, apparently not anymore.

We had two weeks of trial BDSM practices in the house. I knew straight from the start that I was not interested in the Dom role and hubbie said he was interested in both roles. I was very surprised to come home one day to find he had done a whole heap of searching on the subject and had done up a set of rules for me as his sub. While the kids were awake we had our normal roles, but once they were asleep I was to prepare myself in my collar and cuffs and kneel waiting for Master's instructions. We did this every night for about two weeks when I found myself pulling away from him again. I felt crowded and controlled and was not liking it.
Again I shut into myself and stopped talking but hubbie was not having that ever again. So he pushed, and pushed and I finally broke and explained the problem. I felt smothered and was not liking that I had no freedom at all. We discussed, we argued, we disagreed and then in the end agreed on a rule. Our first role was pretty much Dom/Slave and as much as I enjoyed it initially I found in the long run I did need my freedom still. So now I am Master's Sub and he is my Dom and I would never go back on any of it.

I can say no to play nights if I am tired or want to do something else like write or read, etc. We usually discuss it during the day what we are feeling like doing that night. But once we have agreed on a play night Master takes the reins and I am at his mercy. Just the way I like it.

Our toy collection has grown amazingly huge, us having to buy a lock up box to hide from any prying eyes. Over this learning time we have learnt each other’s boundaries, mine especially. I would never ever have thought I would be into some of the things that we do. As the weeks go by I find myself falling more and more in love with my hubbie/Master. He worships my body with the lust of a sex raged teenager and of course I love it to the max. Both our confidences in the bedroom have soared so high. I find myself sitting back and looking at him sometimes and just cannot stop grinning like the cheshire cat. Who would ever think that BDSM would save my marriage. And to think we have wasted 16 years of vanilla sex. Sheesh!!!! LOL.

Master Dee

This is a bit more of our story.

It was very scary by the end of our rut. It got to the point of us both staying because of the kids and fear of being alone. All because we had given up on talking out problems years before, we were never abusive to each other but we definitely were emotionally neglecting each other. I would get home and jump into my games and Kitty would sort out the kids and dinner and then go read books or chat online. We both had our friends that provided our social interactions mine in-game and hers on Facebook and work. I wouldn't say that starting a BDSM relationship saved our marriage but finding those books got us talking again and that was what saved us. 5 or so years of shutting each other out got turned around in about a week just through letters and texts and then some real conversations. It probably wouldn't have worked if we didn't still love each other so much deep down, for me at least it was getting to breaking point because I honestly didn't know what to do to "fix" things and couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

One of the most important things I learnt from it was to not let issues get swept under the rug and to keep pushing until Kitty opened up, I think that changed the way I communicate with Kitty and now will hound her until she tells me what's happening even when she says everything's fine. I trust my gut feelings and go with them and I'm usually spot on, in the past I would give up when Kitty said it is nothing or that's not true. The worst point was when I accused her of cheating, I knew she wouldn't but my gut was telling me I had lost her and she had been talking to a guy friend a lot so my jealousy and fears warped my feelings and I ended up hurting Kitty which made me feel like a total douche. I have since come to realize and Kitty has confirmed that I was losing her and while my accusations were way off my gut was still getting the right message, it just got warped by my brain.

I now listen to my gut and don't let my feelings get warped by fear or insecurities which has led to a lot of open and truthful discussions between us. The realization of our shared BDSM interests was a wonderful side benefit of getting our lives back on track.

Now it's another 2 months down the road and we are still very happily getting our kink on, we've even ventured into our fantasies and had our first threesome with another male which was an amazing experience and really reinforced for me the amount of trust we have gained from this lifestyle. In the past I would not have even been able to imagine myself in that situation without getting jealous.

Don't get me wrong we are still first and foremost a married couple with kids and we have our good days and our bad days. We can be horny all day texting back and forth only to have it ruined by one of the kids deciding to act up and throw tantrums at bedtime. Other times though we have... well let’s just say "A really good time!"

Thanks for reading and good luck in your own journey.


Please bear in mind that this is one person’s viewpoint and you should always do your own research.

Safe, sane and consensual, as always.
A link to a good information site about BDSM


  1. Awesome and inspirational! Isn't it so amazing the preconceived notions we go into sex with? It's so sad that something as beautiful and pleasurable as sex is often the subject of shame and guilt. I think society rules and expectations suppress a lot of healthy practices that can bring joy to a marriage, like you found out. I've found so much freedom in being open and honest about my fantasies with my husband. It took a long time to get the guts to communicate them, but my husband was on board pretty much right away. I think the most important thing is to reserve judgement no matter how much something might make you cringe. It creates trust and open communication. You can always find a compromise that suits both partners.

    I think it's important to point out like you've done, it doesn't always work out like it does in books. Sometimes you fight about boundaries, sometimes a child might wake up and the mood is ruined, or one person isn't feeling it. It isn't always perfect and that's okay. Real life isn't.

    Thanks so much for sharing!


  2. Yes I so know what you mean Naya. Reading it in books is so different from living it in real. People forget that books leave out the mundane ins and outs of life. It sounds wonderful to be in a full blown BDSM relationship, but you need to factor in the reality of family, work and the odd night you just don't feel like doing play.

    A good relationship allows those factors in and you find you can work around them easily without too much frustration. :)

  3. lol, I like the too much frustration bit Kitty :P

  4. Great story and so glad you all talked. Cherise's books were great for opening dialogue and showing "real" people in the lifestyle. My hubby is no not into "hurting me," but he has asked to read some of the scenes I write to see if there are any he could try. (I think my marathon sensation play scene will be where to start--although, unlike Angelina, I WANT to have restraints.)

    Communication and negotiation are the key. I'll be posting an excerpt here Wednesday of a negotiation scene. So, that fascinated me in your blog, as well. We're in sync!


  5. My husband and I found ourselves in a similar situation. Just a month from our divorce being final, I found a web page he left open when I was dropping off my son for his weekend visit with daddy. Two hours later my son was at grandma's and I was at Sir's feet. Six years later we are still married and going strong. Great post!!! Thank you Master Dee and Kitty for sharing. I hope your message may help another couple truly meant to be together but can't find the right way to say it.

  6. Fantastic post and brilliant to hear from both sides...

    The first time my second husband and I came together as lovers...we spent that first night, predominantly...with verbal diarrhea.
    It was like neither one of us held back from what our needs and expectations were. No longer could we be content to live and share a life with a significant other, and not be completely honest about who we were and what we needed. What we wanted to try sexually, what excited, what didn't....
    It was all so incredibly exciting. Revealing, thrilling to know and see and especially to fulfill...
    And the best part is that it still is, twelve years later...

    It is such a shame that most couples hide so much of who they really are, what it is they'd not only like to experience, but have a need for...

    We give so much of ourselves everyday to others, and yet the one person who deserves the most, quite often doesn't know you at all... Been there, done that....much happier now ;)

    Thank you Dee and Kitty for sharing..

  7. It's so amazing to me how many people have similar stories. And it's so surprising (though it probably shouldn't be) how important sex is to a marriage. My husband and I didn't have sex more than a handful of times in 4 years! And when we did, it was a disaster. I'd end up crying, he'd end up frustrated. Every year on our anniversary we'd have so much pressure to be intimate it only added to the stress and the horrible outcome. We weren't close to divorce but things were definitely tense. This was before kids even. Like you, we just spent the evenings doing our own thing, on different sides of the house even.

    Now, we have 2 young kids, 2 careers, a house we're remodeling, and more stress than ever, but that little bit of quality intimacy we have just the two of us in the bedroom (metaphorically since it's not always in the bedroom. Lol!), makes all the difference in the world. It's just the connection I guess. And the loss of inhibitions. The letting go. Especially for me who needs control to be taken away for a while. It calms me, helps me settled down for some reason. I'm sure there's something psychological to it but I don't know what it is. Lol!

    I can't believe how much it changes our relationship outside of the bedroom too. We're more patient with each other. We snap at each other less. Even though I'm not submissive outside of the bedroom, I find I'm generally more respectful and kinder to him. He's more loving and affection toward me. I hope this blog can find other great stories of success like this one. I'd love to read more about it.

    Naya (again)

  8. I think we all owe Cherise more than the 6.99 that her books cost to be honest. I thought I was the only one that found her books opened up the dialogue for me and my husband to explore something that I needed to bad. And it saddens me so much to realize that people still think BDSM is sick and abusive. I think it is all the crazy devices and costumes lol.

    I love hearing other people's stories and that they could find connection and love again in BDSM. I thought it wouldn't work with my husband at first. I thought we would fail if he didn't step up and push me like I knew was buried down deep inside him.

    My husband and I are very much along these same lines. You can't live a 24/7 lifestyle with children. I had one Dom that tried to talk me into it before my husband and pretty much I just didn't want to be a slave. Kitten to the core, but I just don't like as Kitty said that stifling and totally controlled feeling. I know if I pick an argument once the kid is in bed, I'm SOOOOO in trouble LMAO!

    It made me just worship the man, but he also worships me and I never thought that possible. I was resigned to the typical sex life I have my friends tell me about and saw my parents have. Very little touching, and taboo to talk about it. I'm so glad that we all have a place where we can talk about it and share with each other everything that we go through. The journey.

  9. Thanks for all the great comments :D
    I just want to say for anyone that has trouble telling their partner what they want you should try writing it all in an email, text or letter and giving it to them at a time when you can both sit down and talk about it afterwards.

  10. Dear God, I love you both so much for sharing, i'm having a little cry here cause well i'm just so happy your together and everything is finally good and where you want to be in your lives.....i'm so very happy for you ya joanne:)

  11. So very, very sweet. :) You both are so brave! I can't imagine the panic that you must have felt when you began to open up after all that time, but you pushed through it and came out happier and stronger because of it. I hope that someone out there who reads this and is in a similar situation uses you guys as an example of how honesty with yourself and each other is the best policy.


  12. I'm finally back from Holiday and now I have a chance to read this post. I like it! I echo many of the sentiments already posted. I wonder if perhaps prior to marriage, there is a mandatory "sex" class and how to people communicate. I find it depressing that so many marriages start out sizzling hot and due to communication, it goes out in a fizz.

    I'm glad the two of you could turn it around.