This story is the first in a series about how real people got BDSM into their lives. We hope they will be informative, interesting and helpful.
Lindsey, I know there are a lot of women out there who are very interested in introducing elements of BDSM into their life, or at least into their bedroom life. Can you tell us a bit about yourself and why you decided this?
The dreaded question “Tell us about yourself” lol If I am being totally honest, in some ways I’m a total freak. At least that’s how I sometimes feel. I don’t follow rules, I have learned to not be confrontational and to be quieter and people say that I’m stuck up seeming because of it. I promise you I am so not stuck up. I’m pretty liberated and I attach that to my embracing of the BDSM lifestyle. I spent years of literally not having an orgasm, like from the moment I had sex for the first time at 18 to literally when I discovered BDSM at 26. Until then I had very little joy within myself. For a while I thought there was a huge possibility I could be a lesbian (I have a voyeur kink I later discovered. I like to watch at times and be watched. I don’t want to actually be with a woman but watching a Domme with her female sub made me light up so to speak.) Turned out I had just never been tied up and controlled before.
I don’t think I really decided on this lifestyle. I think it sort of found me. In that ‘moment’ I feel sexy, I feel like a real woman and that I’m the lone woman pleasing the man. The first time I experienced being bound was so liberating. When I was bound for the first time I knew, I knew it, and I have never turned back. I refused from that point on to settle for vanilla sex. Any partner that came into play from that point on if it ever got intimate I was like “This is what I’m into and if you aren’t then we aren’t going to be doing this.” I know totally harsh but at that point in my life I figured I could afford to be picky, it is my body and I could do what I want with it and who I allowed to play with it in turn.
Did you have some sort of ‘ah-hah!’ moment, or just a gradual realization?
My ‘ah-hah’ moment was being actually tied up, blindfolded, and totally helpless. Someone that could just play my body like an instrument for His pleasure got me to realize I had been denying myself something fantastic this whole time.
Once you’d figured this out, did you know how to swing your husband around to trying things out and what did you end up doing that worked?
I actually discovered all of this before I met my husband. So telling my husband I really needed to be tied up, that I wanted him to make me helpless and control me, wasn’t something I was super excited to bring up with him. I knew pretty much already that he didn’t get it, which I don’t fault him for. I brought it up to him two years after we were together, he again stated I don’t get it, two years after that I read the first Shadowlands book (again I think I owe Cherise Sinclair some sort of huge acknowledgement in my first BDSM published book, because if not for her I don’t think my husband would have ever had his own ‘ah-ha’ moment) and it has such a clear description on the lifestyle that I showed him, and he went “I get it!” He was a natural Dom, he would always take total control, demand things, and it was so exciting and frustrating because I wanted to take the next step. I wanted him testing my limits, tying me up, I wanted floggers and spankings. And once he got it, he finally understood that, and I got my playroom (still in need of a St. Andrews Cross lol)
What would you advise women who are having problems convincing their partner?
Literature is a good thing, whether it be fiction books by amazing authors that write about the BDSM lifestyle or even visiting clubs. I found the good clubs didn’t have a lot of promotions available for you to view. Private parties are great because they don’t force you to participate. Before I was married, most of the places I was comfortable with were private parties. However you need to make your husband realize that you don’t want to run off and play with the whole of the BDSM community in your area. That this is something you want to share with THEM! Most people have a total misconception about BDSM, so educating them is key with all tools available. If you are shy about it and not totally honest with your partner or spouse, you are more likely to not succeed in convincing them.
I know a lot of couples who venture into BDSM just play lightly in the bedroom. I think you said you asked your husband to learn from an experienced Dom?
Yes, I wanted him to not just be educated in the lifestyle but in the play involved. It is not just physical it is mental. I wanted him to know how to read my body cues. I wanted him to understand there might be times when I wouldn’t call my safeword and to be able to see when I’d reached that point.
I have a horrible habit of testing my own limits if you will, and not calling yellow when I should, a particular time with nipple clamps comes to mind. I wore them for about 2 ½ hours before I called yellow and I probably should have after 15- 20 minutes it was my first time and had a Dom that wasn’t great at reading me as his sub, I think he was just excited to have a willing sub he could teach for his ‘own’. After playing with others I realized he was very selfish and I could have been hurt under his care. Scary but you live and you learn. He didn’t last long before I went in search of another Dom.
My husband had to be my Dom and the best Dom I had ever met. So we had a very great Master walk my husband through it with his submissive. And he also gave me the ‘Dom eye’ about telling my husband my hard limits. I’m a sub that is so very willing to please. When I’m at the melting point I won’t call safewords and I will do just about anything.
I have always had a bad habit of getting so wrapped up that I forget my safe word, and I used to expect my husband to know what was too much. He didn't at first, but he pretty much does now and he will stop, untie me, drop all toys and demand my safe word. Then as he shows me some care and explains I need to use the safe word, he then explains I'm getting punished lol he has become a wonderful Dom and we even cross over on public dates, though the average person would never know.
If you aren’t shy, if you are willing at times to play with another watching, then I highly suggest the training. Like I said it is not just sexual it is very mental and emotional. Your partner needs to know it’s not a sex game, it’s one of the most intimate connections possible.
How has the whole dominance and submission part of BDSM affected your life in general?
It helped me connect with my body more. It made me respect myself, love myself, and not be afraid of my sexuality. I’m a happier person, content. I love that my husband and we rarely argue. If it starts and I have started the fight….. OOOO The Dom comes out lol
Are there any other insights or advice you’d like to share?
You need to do what makes you happy. If you need any form of BDSM in your life, then you need to be honest with your partner, you need to present it to them in a way where it is serious. I know so many women that are unhappy because they are afraid to be honest, that hurts me as a woman and their friend. You don’t have to jump in head first. I did because I was lonely at that time and needed a connection with something, anyone. But you can just put your toes in and slowly wade into the waters.
Lindsey is on fetlife as kittenlinds
Please bear in mind that this is one person’s viewpoint and you should always do your own research.
Safe, sane and consensual, as always.
A link to a good information site about BDSM http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html