Thursday, October 27, 2011

Patience is a virtue.

One of the most commonly asked questions I see on the different BDSM-related email lists and discussion forums I frequent comes from submissives looking for a Dominant. Most of the time from female submissives, although I have seen male submissives asking it as well. "How do I find 'The One' for me?"

It seems that sometimes, when it finally clicks in a submissive's brain what they want, they tend to forget common sense in their pursuit of a D/s dynamic.

I've seen it dubbed "sub frenzy."

It sucks being alone. I know that, I get it. But just like in the vanilla world, relationships aren't something to be rushed into. The good and bad thing about the internet is that it allows people in various parts of the world who might never have met to come together. You can get some stuff out of the way, like learning about each other. But chatting over a computer is not the same thing as meeting in real life. Yes, I do know quite a few people who've met each other online and gone on to have successful real-life relationships. But I also have heard far more stories of online relationships ending badly.

Common sense can fly out the window in the face of bubbling hormones and, body parts. But even moreso than a vanilla relationship, it's extremely important to keep a few things in mind when starting out on a fledgling BDSM relationship. If you can't be friends first, you can't have a D/s dynamic, period.

D/s (Dominant/submissive) is based first and foremost on trust. I don't know about you, but I have yet, in my life, ever been able to trust someone I can't at least be friends with. By trust I mean the kind of trust it takes to engage in BDSM activities, not trusting that the person will give you back exact change on a cup of coffee.

I always tell people find local munches, local groups. I frequently hear, "Oh, I'd be too scared to go." If you're too scared to go to a restaurant where a bunch of people are meeting, how do you ever think you're going to work up the nerve to meet someone safely and get to know them? is the best place to find local events. It's free, it's anonymous, you can pick any username you want. Heck, set up a fake email address you use only for Fetlife if it worries you that much. But instead of worrying about meeting "The One," get to know a group of people. Learn to be comfortable with who YOU are instead of focusing on trying to find someone for you.

Fine and dandy, but what if you do hook up with someone in a long distance relationship? Well, if they try to rush you to do anything, especially if it involves sending them money, do NOT do it. Period. Someone worth their salt will be patient and understand how valuable a trust bond is. Do NOT ignore red flags. Do NOT go somewhere to meet this person without an escape plan. It's preferable they come to you. (They are the Dominant, after all.) Meet for the first time over coffee, in a public place, with a separate way to get out of there. Have a safe call lined up. Better yet, take a friend with you to the meeting. (Again, any Dominant worth their salt will understand.) Even better, make friends with local kinksters in your area, and have the person come to a meeting, such as a munch, where you will have plenty of backup in case you don't like what you see.

There's a fine line between abuse and kink. Kink is always consensual. Abuse is not. If at any time you feel pressured to do something, that is a HUGE red flag you need to listen to. If you have several of your kinky friends expressing misgivings, LISTEN to them. It's not always easy for us to step back when we're in the throes of our libido and say hey, there's a problem here.

Good things come to those who can wait. This isn't just a trite cliche. In a case like this, it could mean saving yourself a huge heartache.

(Tymber Dalton is a bestselling author and lifestyle BDSM switch. Her website is )


  1. Tymber, that's wonderful advice. I've been wondering how to go about this for quite a while, and you've set my mind at ease on a lot of issues. I have been encouraged to go to Fetlife, and one of the things that was holding me back was a chronic illness, but I have been told that there is a group of members all in that situation. Thank you so much for sharing this information.

  2. Anon - Yes, there are several groups for chronic illness. I'm a member of a couple of them for fibro and chronic pain. People involved in the lifestyle are everyday people outside of the kink. The kink might be a large part of them and who they are, but they do have vanilla lives and vanilla concerns. Believe me, if there's a will, there's a way. Hubby and Sir both make allowances during play when my body doesn't want to cooperate. And you might, like me, find play activities that actually help you feel better. Impact play helps my fibro pain because of the natural endorphin flood that helps stifle pain better than any drugs (and doesn't kill my liver in the process LOL).

  3. Very sound advice, and escape plan and a safety call are essential and not to be overlooked in the heat of ... discovery.

  4. I like this article! Thanks for the reminder. I wish more newbies would take more time to learn about others. Negotiation is one I see people neglecting quite often.

  5. I'm so glad I found this site! i've been looking for resources to deal with this issue of how do I go about meeting a Dom or anyone related to what I am finding is what has been missing in my life for a long time. It's funny because I came about this realization by reading some really good BDSM novels. It's so interesting how life can be sometimes. I started out reading Twilight and ended up rethinking my entire sexuality and finding what has been missing! The path is a funny one, but I won't bore you with it now.

    I live in NYC so I'm sure there are a group of people as well as a person who I can find to start this journey. It's also good to know about groups for people with chronic health issues, especially chronic pain as I've been suffering from serious back and hip problems since I'm 19 (my bday just past and you'll see from my email address when I was born, so you'll know how long this has been going on for!). As the years and multiple back/hip/knee surgeries have progressed finding a comfortble way to have vanilla sex has become a challenge, so I've been worried about how I can possible explore my kinky side without becoming a cripple!
    OK. Enough, MJB!
    I am going to check out Fetlife to start and see where it leads me. If anyone whoe reads this has suggestions for NYC, preferably Manhattan, i'm all ears.
    Thanks for "listening"
    msmjb65 AT gmail DOT com

  6. There is a stereotypical misconception about phone sex operators. The general (mis)consensus is that we're bored out of our minds, mindless moan-and-groaners who can't wait to get off the phone.

  7. thanks, Tymber! and, yes, Fetlife is a great site!