Thursday, November 10, 2011

Friends first.

"Well, we've spent four days together doing nothing but working and haven't played once," Sir said with an exhausted smile. "That's like a record or something."

I laughed, because we were both sweaty and dirty and not in the fun way. With His help, a goodly chunk of our bathroom DIY remodel project was completed. Along with some other huge tasks that needed doing that we never would have gotten done without His help. See, He might be my Sir--ironically, He wanted to be more in submissive pup mode over the weekend--but we are first and foremost friends. Nothing else could have happened if He and His wife, and Hubby and myself, weren't all friends. We can all go do vanilla things like go out to dinner, see a movie, or even remodel a bathroom.

I think too many people run afoul in the BDSM world because they let their libido overrule their brain. (Not that this doesn't happen in vanilla-land, but it seems to happen even more in the kinky world.) Yes, I know a few people who have had successful long distance relationships blossom into real-life relationships, but most of the success stories I have personal knowledge of involved people being friends first and then developing their relationships.

I've talked about this before, because it all hinges on trust and respect. But do you honestly like someone, that's a key ingredient. Sure you can be attracted to them, lust for them, but when the whips are put away, when the 9-5 day job calls, can you talk to that person about vanilla stuff? Can you go traipsing across three counties in search of plumbing supplies for a sixty year-old house and have non-kinky stuff (or non-plumbing stuff) to talk about? Can you call that other person not Sir or Daddy or Master or whatever, but first and foremost your friend?

Hubby jokes that Sir and I are twins, and there's a bit of truth to that. We were friends first, with more than a little of a big brother/little sister dynamic. (Albeit teasing-yet-protective big brother and evil-yet-lovable little sister. LOL) If the play dynamic were to end right now, we would still be friends. We're a lot alike in many ways, we have many of the same interests, and we're different enough in all the same ways.

Oh wait, that's a lot like how Hubby and I are too. :) And we're been together over fourteen years now.

Let's face it, this is the same way you should approach any relationship, with friendship being the cornerstone of your dynamic, whether it's vanilla or kinky. Then let nature take its course from there. Don't be so eager to rush things that you lose sight of what you want--and deserve--in a relationship.

(Tymber Dalton is a bestselling author and lifestyle BDSM switch. Her website is )


  1. Good article, Lesli. First and foremost (we are not in the lifestyle), hubby and I are best friends. When all else crumbles around us, we still have each other. We can talk, commiserate, tell secrets, share our dreams, expose our souls. The glue, the things that anchor people together, is still there.

  2. Very good point! Love the post...

  3. You're very lucky to have two such great guys in your life! Lovely blog.

  4. Oh So true! I so love how real/honest you are in your posts, Tymber. hubby and I are not in the 'lifestyle' either but have been together for 37 yrs (yes we are the original high school lovers :-) )and he is my bestest friend, the president of my cheer squad, with the relationship Kathleen describes in her comment. I had my own moment this week.. I have returned to uni study and had end of semester exams. I have arthritis and at present going through a bad patch... I had several nights of very little sleep one night none.. but I studied and went off to my exam. Hubby knew I was feeling particularly low. I came home feeling even more demoralised when my brain just would give me the answers I knew were in there, to find flowers on my bedside table with a note to tell me how proud of me he was! (sob sob!) That man is so precious! I love hearing/ reading about couples who have absolute respect for each other with their love. That is so essential for me in my relationship and what I perceive in yours. So, Tymber I love reading your books but your blogs always manage to make me smile and add to my day in such a lovely way. Thankyou.