It's really hard to have an online long-distance D/s relationship unless there is a friendship first. I would suggest if you end up taking that route that you establish a friendship first with someone and then let things gradually progress. I've heard probably 10:1 horror stories versus success stories about online D/s match-ups where the people weren't friends in real-life first.
As for your bad experience at the munch, I would encourage you not to give up. Remember, submissive doesn't mean door mat. You can politely, yet firmly tell those women sorry, not my thing, I don't play with girls. :) And if it continues, bring it to the attention of the munch coordinator and let them deal with it. If they become known as a newbie-unfriendly venue, it won't bode well for them.
I am new to the lifestyle and I was wondering if you think it's possible for a vanilla husband to learn to be a Dom or at least bring some BDSM elements into the bedroom. Also any suggestions about where he could learn more about the lifestyle? Thanks
Anon, I'm not Tymber but until she replies -- have you read what some others have said about this in previous posts? The BDSM group on Goodreads often discusses what you're asking and other questions like it. So that's another place that's quite friendly and a little less daunting than fetlife can be. The moderators on there are subs or Doms and many of the members are in your position or already in the lifestyle. Tymber will answer too so I'll hop out of the way.
Anon - It's not impossible at all. They have to have a dominant personality, however, and want to do it. It starts with a LOT of open communication, and even asking him to read some of the books where you like the dynamic going on. A lot of men think that BDSM is "abuse" because they've been conditioned to think that way.
Another thing that will help is going to local events so your husband can meet people who are active in the lifestyle, talk to both Dominants AND submissives, who can help teach him and reassure him that it's okay if he wants to explore this path with you, because you are asking for it.
You will likely have to lead him along at first, tell him what you like, and to some submissives, that's sort of counter-intuitive. There is a fine line between topping from the bottom and communication. But you will have to remember not to engage in magic thinking, because he can't read your mind. :) You will have to tell him what you'd like to do, the activities you're interested in, and explore them together.
The best advice I ever received about this was to not concentrate on my husband, but to concentrate on my own submission. The more submissive I was, the more pleasing I became to him, and before I knew it, he was taking on a much more dominant role. It absolutely worked for us. Also, I would read really hot passages from books out loud to him, and it often started open, honest discussions about what each of us wanted.
I have another question! First I just want to say THANKS for all of you for being supporting us along the way... My question today is about "play partners". I am into a D/s relationship with a Dom that lives away from me. I have to say that we have been talking for like 6 months now and we were friends first. We decided to take very small baby steps on the relationship, friends only first, then playing a bit by chat, later phone, webcam and RL. I have to say that the steps from virtual to RL are HUGE but for me they measure pretty much the same when we moved from only phone to webcam.
The importance of friendship on the life style is beyond anything I hoped for... The thing is I've been talking with other subs and they are poly-subs and they told me about the whole dynamics of play-partners. I am not quite sure if this is the way for me to explore more but i have to say that i was quite confused with the whole idea.
So my real question is, are "play-partners" the same as friend with benefits or ocassional sex with a buddy you dated before? what about the emotional implications? Is it wise for a sub to explore that path once she is on the journey of her true submission way?
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Meire,
ReplyDeleteIt's really hard to have an online long-distance D/s relationship unless there is a friendship first. I would suggest if you end up taking that route that you establish a friendship first with someone and then let things gradually progress. I've heard probably 10:1 horror stories versus success stories about online D/s match-ups where the people weren't friends in real-life first.
As for your bad experience at the munch, I would encourage you not to give up. Remember, submissive doesn't mean door mat. You can politely, yet firmly tell those women sorry, not my thing, I don't play with girls. :) And if it continues, bring it to the attention of the munch coordinator and let them deal with it. If they become known as a newbie-unfriendly venue, it won't bode well for them.
Good luck!
I am new to the lifestyle and I was wondering if you think it's possible for a vanilla husband to learn to be a Dom or at least bring some BDSM elements into the bedroom. Also any suggestions about where he could learn more about the lifestyle? Thanks
ReplyDeleteAnon, I'm not Tymber but until she replies -- have you read what some others have said about this in previous posts?
ReplyDeleteThe BDSM group on Goodreads often discusses what you're asking and other questions like it. So that's another place that's quite friendly and a little less daunting than fetlife can be. The moderators on there are subs or Doms and many of the members are in your position or already in the lifestyle.
Tymber will answer too so I'll hop out of the way.
@ Anon - It's not easy, but it isn't impossible. It takes lots of patience and brutal open communication.
ReplyDeleteAnon - It's not impossible at all. They have to have a dominant personality, however, and want to do it. It starts with a LOT of open communication, and even asking him to read some of the books where you like the dynamic going on. A lot of men think that BDSM is "abuse" because they've been conditioned to think that way.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing that will help is going to local events so your husband can meet people who are active in the lifestyle, talk to both Dominants AND submissives, who can help teach him and reassure him that it's okay if he wants to explore this path with you, because you are asking for it.
You will likely have to lead him along at first, tell him what you like, and to some submissives, that's sort of counter-intuitive. There is a fine line between topping from the bottom and communication. But you will have to remember not to engage in magic thinking, because he can't read your mind. :) You will have to tell him what you'd like to do, the activities you're interested in, and explore them together.
Good luck!
The best advice I ever received about this was to not concentrate on my husband, but to concentrate on my own submission. The more submissive I was, the more pleasing I became to him, and before I knew it, he was taking on a much more dominant role. It absolutely worked for us. Also, I would read really hot passages from books out loud to him, and it often started open, honest discussions about what each of us wanted.
ReplyDeleteOOH I like your suggestion Saudra. I've been work on my own submission.
ReplyDeleteI have another question! First I just want to say THANKS for all of you for being supporting us along the way... My question today is about "play partners". I am into a D/s relationship with a Dom that lives away from me. I have to say that we have been talking for like 6 months now and we were friends first. We decided to take very small baby steps on the relationship, friends only first, then playing a bit by chat, later phone, webcam and RL. I have to say that the steps from virtual to RL are HUGE but for me they measure pretty much the same when we moved from only phone to webcam.
ReplyDeleteThe importance of friendship on the life style is beyond anything I hoped for... The thing is I've been talking with other subs and they are poly-subs and they told me about the whole dynamics of play-partners. I am not quite sure if this is the way for me to explore more but i have to say that i was quite confused with the whole idea.
So my real question is, are "play-partners" the same as friend with benefits or ocassional sex with a buddy you dated before? what about the emotional implications? Is it wise for a sub to explore that path once she is on the journey of her true submission way?
Thanks a bunch!