Friday, April 6, 2012
Your way is the ONLY way? Sit down, and stfu.
This post is literally a copypasta from a post I put on a discussion thread on Goodreads after a mod contacted me regarding complaints they'd had about another group member who was coming off as "won twue way" and pissing people off.
You know me, little Miss Wallflower *snort!* so I waded into the fray with my opinion. The poster was complaining about authors who didn't have real-life BDSM experience, or who "claimed" to yet didn't do x,y,z, etc.
(Please excuse typos, because I posted it from my iPad. LOL)
I am a real life BDSM player. I started out strictly Dominant with my hubby, then transitioned into switching with both him and my Sir. I bottom sometimes to hubby for senusal play, or if he's cotopping with Sir. I only submit to Sir, and I have worn His collar locked on my neck since 10/16/2010. Yes, I'm real life poly as well. Sir is a sadist, hubby isn't. Sir is a maso, hubby isn't. I'm not a maso as in a pain slut, but I do use the pain of impact play for pain relief from my fibromyalgia.
I remember how Dear Auther slammed "The Reluctant Dom" as not being twue (done on purpose) because NO ONE they know plays like that.
At the time it killed me that I couldn't out myself because hubby wasn't retired yet, but EVERYONE I know plays like that. In fact, Sir and I are considered edge players in our group because we play a lot heavier than most people they know.
What really pisses me off is someone who can't separate fiction from fact and gets personal with an author just because they are a won twue wayer who refuse to acknowledge that there is a wide diversity in the kink world. I know D/s'ers who only do a little light bondage, all the way up to heavy S&m'ers who do flesh hook suspension with NO D/s in the mix. Then I know some people like us, who mix everything from puppy and pony pet play to heavy S&m to M/s in the mix and make the bell curve our bitch just because we can. :)
Bottom line is, most readers of erotica WANT sex in their story. It's what sells. Someone writing about a rigger NOT molesting his rope bunny... *snnnooorrree* or a top doing fire cupping and nothing else, or a needle top doing a corset piercing on a bottom, etc, is not going to sell. Period. Mix it in with other sexy aspects, sure. In fact that's what I'm currently working on now in Tony's story.
TPE does exist. Just because it's not living up to someone's definition isn't my problem. When Sir and I are in a scene and I'm bottoming, unless I'm having a physical problem, there is no coding. I trust Him not to take me somewhere we didn't already talk about going. And likewise, when He turns Himself over to me and becomes My pup/slave/pony, he doesn't code unless there's a problem. There is nothing more intoxicating than total trust.
Everyone gets to define THEIR labels. No one else gets the right to tell them they're "wrong" unless it's an issue like in one book where I read a Dom used metal handcuffs for over-the-head suspension. Wrong, and dangerous.
But when it comes to relationship dynamics, in fiction, just like in real life, when someone uses absolutes and tells me I'm wrong, I tell them to sit down and stfu. My reality is not your reality. Some people insist switches are "wrong" because you have to be Dom or sub. I say that's bullshit, because switches exist, and someone else's insecurity and narrow-minded definitions do not define me, and they can go stfu.
I can look around my group of local friends and see real life players who, no, aren't romance characters, they have flab and stretch marks, etc., but their real-life antics, if I wrote about a fraction of them, wouldn't be believed. Like our switchy female friend who loves BBC gangbangs, and her HUGE boyfriend, who is former military and literally looks like Mr. Clean, loves being cucked. But when it's his turn to top he breaks out their toys and I've seen more uses for golf balls and children's metal baseball bats than you can shake a stick at. We usually start chanting, "Hey batta, batta, suh-wing!" when the toys come out.
Or even one of my own scenes, one night at the club we frequent, I finished topping Sir, with him in pup mode, and we switched right there without me even changing clothes, and He fisted my hair, put me on my hands and knees between His legs, and the pup started spanking me. LOL
My motto is, RACK. Risk Aware Consenual Kink. If you don't like someone else's style, you don't have to play with them. But don't tell them they're wrong, because if they're like me, they're likely to tell you to sit down and stfu.
Just because it's not the way YOU do it or define it, it doesn't necessarily make it wrong. And if you don't like my opinion on that you can sit down and stfu because you are pixels on a screen that have no more meaning to me or my life than any other pixels on a screen. And if you let someone else's FICTION rile you up that much, perhaps you need a reallife to get back to.
Tymber Dalton is a Siren-BookStrand exclusive author, and has over thirty books to her credit under all her pen names. Her website is http://www.tymberdalton.com