Friday, April 6, 2012

Your way is the ONLY way? Sit down, and stfu.

This post is literally a copypasta from a post I put on a discussion thread on Goodreads after a mod contacted me regarding complaints they'd had about another group member who was coming off as "won twue way" and pissing people off.

You know me, little Miss Wallflower *snort!* so I waded into the fray with my opinion. The poster was complaining about authors who didn't have real-life BDSM experience, or who "claimed" to yet didn't do x,y,z, etc.

(Please excuse typos, because I posted it from my iPad. LOL)


I am a real life BDSM player. I started out strictly Dominant with my hubby, then transitioned into switching with both him and my Sir. I bottom sometimes to hubby for senusal play, or if he's cotopping with Sir. I only submit to Sir, and I have worn His collar locked on my neck since 10/16/2010. Yes, I'm real life poly as well. Sir is a sadist, hubby isn't. Sir is a maso, hubby isn't. I'm not a maso as in a pain slut, but I do use the pain of impact play for pain relief from my fibromyalgia.

I remember how Dear Auther slammed "The Reluctant Dom" as not being twue (done on purpose) because NO ONE they know plays like that.

At the time it killed me that I couldn't out myself because hubby wasn't retired yet, but EVERYONE I know plays like that. In fact, Sir and I are considered edge players in our group because we play a lot heavier than most people they know.

What really pisses me off is someone who can't separate fiction from fact and gets personal with an author just because they are a won twue wayer who refuse to acknowledge that there is a wide diversity in the kink world. I know D/s'ers who only do a little light bondage, all the way up to heavy S&m'ers who do flesh hook suspension with NO D/s in the mix. Then I know some people like us, who mix everything from puppy and pony pet play to heavy S&m to M/s in the mix and make the bell curve our bitch just because we can. :)

Bottom line is, most readers of erotica WANT sex in their story. It's what sells. Someone writing about a rigger NOT molesting his rope bunny... *snnnooorrree* or a top doing fire cupping and nothing else, or a needle top doing a corset piercing on a bottom, etc, is not going to sell. Period. Mix it in with other sexy aspects, sure. In fact that's what I'm currently working on now in Tony's story.

TPE does exist. Just because it's not living up to someone's definition isn't my problem. When Sir and I are in a scene and I'm bottoming, unless I'm having a physical problem, there is no coding. I trust Him not to take me somewhere we didn't already talk about going. And likewise, when He turns Himself over to me and becomes My pup/slave/pony, he doesn't code unless there's a problem. There is nothing more intoxicating than total trust.

Everyone gets to define THEIR labels. No one else gets the right to tell them they're "wrong" unless it's an issue like in one book where I read a Dom used metal handcuffs for over-the-head suspension. Wrong, and dangerous.

But when it comes to relationship dynamics, in fiction, just like in real life, when someone uses absolutes and tells me I'm wrong, I tell them to sit down and stfu. My reality is not your reality. Some people insist switches are "wrong" because you have to be Dom or sub. I say that's bullshit, because switches exist, and someone else's insecurity and narrow-minded definitions do not define me, and they can go stfu.

I can look around my group of local friends and see real life players who, no, aren't romance characters, they have flab and stretch marks, etc., but their real-life antics, if I wrote about a fraction of them, wouldn't be believed. Like our switchy female friend who loves BBC gangbangs, and her HUGE boyfriend, who is former military and literally looks like Mr. Clean, loves being cucked. But when it's his turn to top he breaks out their toys and I've seen more uses for golf balls and children's metal baseball bats than you can shake a stick at. We usually start chanting, "Hey batta, batta, suh-wing!" when the toys come out.

Or even one of my own scenes, one night at the club we frequent, I finished topping Sir, with him in pup mode, and we switched right there without me even changing clothes, and He fisted my hair, put me on my hands and knees between His legs, and the pup started spanking me. LOL 

My motto is, RACK. Risk Aware Consenual Kink. If you don't like someone else's style, you don't have to play with them. But don't tell them they're wrong, because if they're like me, they're likely to tell you to sit down and stfu.

Just because it's not the way YOU do it or define it, it doesn't necessarily make it wrong. And if you don't like my opinion on that you can sit down and stfu because you are pixels on a screen that have no more meaning to me or my life than any other pixels on a screen. And if you let someone else's FICTION rile you up that much, perhaps you need a reallife to get back to.


Tymber Dalton is a Siren-BookStrand exclusive author, and has over thirty books to her credit under all her pen names. Her website is 


  1. Great post Tymber! I love that you point out there are varieties, from your books, Kally's and Cherise's I have picked up that there is NO ONE way, that as long as it is agreed upon by both parties and the trust is established, you can define your own kink =)

  2. Fabulous post!
    I loathe people who insist their way is the "right way". We are all different so our kinks will be different...sometimes I think people don't have the brains they were born with (or forget to "engage brain").
    Hugs xx

  3. Awesome Post Tymber !!! I love your points and everything you have said. Nobody has the right to define you or anyone else. This was well said and your right to say that nobody can know the "one way" of anyone's relationship. Love your books and insights !! Keep up the snark!

  4. Loved this post Tymber!!! There is no one way for anything especially in each persons kink. Thanks fer giving us a glimps into your real life world. :)!!

  5. This is wonderful, and I'm forwarding to a group I belong to. This is exactly the message we try to give to everyone that comes out to play or to get information about D/s relationships. No pair or poly have the same rules, thoughts, practices, or kinks! I love your books, and actually, one of them is the starting point for my own D/s life at home.

  6. Go ahead T, let 'em know. i always find it hard to judge bdsm books because just because i do it a certain way doesn't mean that sub does it so. the dynamics are all different for everyone and we simply have to make space for the many different flavors there are. if it isn't my kink i state so and walk away. loved reading your post; thanks for sharing so much of yourself with us.

  7. Awesome post, Tymber. I HEART RACK!

    I really wish I could understand why any kinky person would be so closed minded. Rise awareness is VERY important, but that takes education, no? And if you're educated, you know there's no One Twue Way. I have no problem with someone pointing out that, say, using kerosene for fireplay is dangerous. Or hitting the kidney area can cause internal damage. But dictating how others practice BDSM?

    I couldn't have said it better than you did!

  8. Great Post Tymber! And I have to fully agree with RACK! makes more sense than SSC to most of us! And there can't be one twue way to do anything will unless it's Master telling me so! LOL

    For us, we moved across country a few years ago...where we were from, Master is considered extreme to a lot of people, i'm middle of the road but willing to experiment. Now, we are both considered very extreme and have had to moderate our play at events - they haven't seen half the stuff we used to do whether in public or not!

  9. Twinkies are all the same. People, not so much. Kinky people, the sky's the limit.

  10. Tymber- this is my 3rd attempt at commenting....LOL- maybe I will get it through this time...

    I applaud you for living your life the way you want to. Many of us are still in the closet for one reason or another... It is frustrating when a twue person tries to dictate to others what should and shouldn't be- how conceited!!!! I agree with you - RACK is where it's at... Keep on writing those incredible books and I have told you more than once that The Reluctant Dom is one of my all time favorites... YOU ROCK GIRL!

  11. couldn't agree more. and thanks for sharing the personal experiences. for someone in the lifestyle but who doesn't play with others, it's always interesting to hear that kind of stuff.


  12. seriously, no other words to say about this blog but awsome

  13. Good blog. There's nothing more annoying than an ignorant, arrogant person with a big mouth (or keyboard as it were). My husband and I have our own way as well, some may not agree with us but I don't give a rats arse. It is fabulous to see your open and honest posts and I would bitch slap anyone dissing The Reluctant Dom to me.

  14. Great post thanks for sharing. I hate anyone telling someone you aren't doing it right. Even in non-kink areas it happens. The homeschool community is another place where this kind of my way is the only way can get heated and ugly. I was based on one group that I had belong to for years because I "gasp" made the suggestion that if someone's child was overwhelmed with the amount of math problems in the lesson only have them do half. You would have thought I suggested they rob a bank. And since I allowed one of my kids to enroll in public school because it was the best fit for him man that was so "wrong".

  15. Well said, Tymber! It's a spectrum--and it would be nice if people would stop judging each other within the lifestyle. Isn't it bad enough getting it from all the people OUTSIDE the lifestyle who like to pass judgment on kinksters?


  16. Fantastic post Tymber!! "make the bell curve our bitch" LMAO

  17. As always,Tymber, love your honesty... and the message.. I dont quite get how/why if one is stepping outside so-called 'norms' someone still has to think there is a single twue way...homeschooling, painting, bdsm, relationships,jobs.. surely the point all along it is whatever rocks 'your' boat. We dont do everything the same... that would be such a boring world. Keep up the snark, Tymber

  18. Thanks, everyone. :) I just really get irritated at snots like that who think they are the BDSM police and want to slap down anyone who doesn't cater to their specific whims. Ugh.

  19. Really, as with everything you write be it book or blog, I have only one word that comes to mind.... beautiful.:-) Thank you for posting. So true.

  20. Amazing post and thank you for sharing! I am a huge fan and admire those who always push boundaries.

  21. I have been saving this post to read for a few weeks and I'm glad I didn't delete the email message. The further into the lifestlye I go, the more I'm astounded at how judgy people in the lifestlye can be and it makes no sense to me. Except that whenever you have a community of human beings, there's always going to be those who think they know better. Unfortunately, it's these people that give the vanilla world a way to judge us, as well.

    Over the very short time I've been out in the scene, my ideas about who I am and what my limits are evolve practically every time I play. SSC made sense to me at my first BDSM immersive workshop given by a Master who I've been crushing on ever since. He's an amazing man and a strong believer in SSC. I was out at a party some months ago that was advertised as a play party in the extreme (it went by the name of House of Pain). When I got there and found my friends who are 2 women who are the property of one owner (their designations, that make sense to THEM, right?) who is as sadistic as they are pain sluts, were sitting around looking bored saying that most of the people there were the "consent" people, said in a derisive tone. It suprised me coming from them because all 3 are very active in one of our large organizations. The next weekend, the owner threw his own RACK party. And boy sis it live up to it's name! I'm sure those "consent" people would have a thing or two to say about what went on with those "RACK" people! At the end of the day, I want desperately to submit to my crush and won't care which he subscribes to as long as he respects my limits and we play safe!

    I know as human beings, it can be difficult for the best of us to not be judgy, but in this lifestlye - especially for people who are a part of it - there's just no room for it. What is that acronym? YKINMK? Your kink is not my kink - is that how it goes? In the past two weeks, I've engaged in what is considered edge play that can only come with RACK: last weekend I did a super edgy knife-play scene with an incredibly sexy, well-known Master and am sad everyday when some more of my knife "scratches" heal and disappear :( I was flogged by the sadist I was telling you about in a "show and try" class the same night as the knife play scene and he nailed my ass but good - I still have black and blues stripes..this weekend, much to the chagrin of one of my best friends in the scene, I was flogged while in a noose - now it was loosely tied, but I did have to tell the Top to put a hand on me because when I asked him what would happen if I fell forward (my hands were bound to my waist and I wasn't leaning up against anything) and he said, er, it wouldn't be good, but only for a second...and then he wailed on my mid-upper back with a flogger and even said, I'm going with all my strength and it made me purr with delight...are there people who would be bothered by all that? Hey, even my own friend who likes to get caned till she bleeds didn't like the noose - thought it was too edgy - but when she talked to me about it afterwards, she didn't judge my decision to let the Top do it and she appreciated my ability as a newbie to tell the guy to be more careful.
    I really loved your post Tymber and I'm getting so much from everyone here and on FB. For the most part, I've never felt more accepted for who I am really am than now. Note I said really, not twuely. Do I believe that I'm a sub down to my core - yes. Do I want to be a loving, but strict Master's slave one day - yes. But all of that will be based on who I am and who He is - not by some person's definition. If I want to live like that, I would stay in my vanilla existence where I never felt comfortable in my own skin...
    Thank to all of you who give us a place to share. I'm probably going to do a little cutting and pasting of my own when I get the chance. Must let all my peeps on FB know what's up...
    Thanks again, Tymber!!

  22. Thank you for posting this. I get so sick of mofos trying to define my sexuality for me.

  23. Hi Tymber,
    thank you for the wonderful post today. it was very refreshing to finally have someone say what i think a lot of us have been thinking.
    i know that when i decided to focus on myself and fixing the things i needed to work on because of the abuse in my past i didn't get a lot of support. the main reason for that is because i chose to become celebrate and the few people that knew thought i was either crazy or it would pass when i met someone. that doesn't mean i don't go out on dates or have friends or anything, i just don't have sex and they are told that up front. then it is their choice to stay or walk away. the ones that stay are the ones worth keeping.

    it's been 10 years now and i have to say i don't miss all the complications that you get when you are in a elationship that centers around sex and it has helped me to deal with all those years of abuse without feeling like i am affecting another persons life too. see for me because of over 10 years of abuse it is hard,almost impossible, for me to say no or assert myself. this makes a lot of people assume i am a submissive,and i may be but until i fix this I'm not really consensual even when i say yes, because i never feel i can say no. this can be very unsafe. so I'm celibate.

    i guess my point is this if you choose to be vanilla,BDSM,D/s,S&m or celebrate or someone that likes to lick pink toed turtles, what right does Anyone else have to judge that or you? maybe what they are really judging is themselves and what they feel ashamed of.

    tammy ramey