Monday, August 6, 2012

The heart is not a pie.


Just got back from a weekend at FetishCon in Tampa with Sir. What a fun time! Getting to catch up with friends, shopping, and generally a good time. Hubby opted out this year, because he had other things he wanted to do, but graciously sent me off to do my thing.

I still laugh when I get the questions from people about our situation. Yes, I have a Hubby and a Sir. The three of us are switches, and Hubby and I just celebrated our fifteenth wedding anniversary, so I'd say we're on solid ground. Sir's wife is a good friend of ours, and she doesn't enjoy playing in public, nor does she have the interest level in many of the things Sir, Hubby, and I enjoy doing. So she also gives Sir permission to go have fun doing His thing.

So yes, I live a real-life BDSM poly-V. The three of us are switches, so it makes things even more interesting depending who's in the mood to do what.

There's a general misconception that people in BDSM are all about the sex, and that's not necessarily the case. Yes, some people have their BDSM completely entwined with their sexuality. For some, the two things are completely separate. For some, it's a mix.

And there are people who are completely monogamous, monogamous but who do intimate BDSM play with others, some who are poly, some who are swingers, and some who are a mix of all of the above. (Some friends of mine have dubbed that mix as "swolly," meaning not-swingers, not-poly, not-monogamous.)

There is no neat one-size-fits-all set of labels you can apply to people. Sir and I are lucky enough we have spouses who are emotionally secure and open enough to understand that what the two of us do doesn't lessen our love for them, but instead increases it. The heart isn't a pie, with a limited amount of love for one person. Parents of more than one child can relate to that, I'm sure.

One of the benefits of my situation is that communication has increased greatly. It's a necessity to prevent misunderstandings or hurt feelings. Sometimes those communications are uncomfortable, but that gets easier as you go. There is trust, because of the communication that trust is only amplified. I have no reason and no desire to hold back, and neither does Sir. Our spouses have full veto power, and we have clearly drawn boundaries so that our secondary relationship with each other doesn't cause harm to our primary relationships with our spouses. But it also strengthens our secondary relationship with each other, if that makes sense. No, we don't always get as much time with each other as we'd like because life gets in the way. But because of our communication, and because of our strong relationships with our spouses, we're able to fully enjoy the time we do get together.

And both Hubby and Sir's wife ask what they want to know, when they want to know it. They don't always want or need blow-by-blow details of what's going on. But they also know if we say we're going or doing something (with or without each other) that if they ever did want to check up on us, they know that's exactly where we were and what we were doing, because they can trust us.

Speaking for myself, I know my marriage is stronger tody, and my love for my husband even greater than ever, because I know he trusts me. I appreciate the fact that he is such a secure person that he can let me do what I need to do for myself. Some of my relationship with Sir, Hubby knows he cannot duplicate, because Hubby isn't the sadist that Sir is. When I need a good, emotional, cathartic beating for stress relief, or to help with my fibromyalgia pain, Hubby isn't comfortable making me cry. Sir, on the other hand, enjoys it immensely.

Not to say sadism is the only aspect of our relationship, because it isn't. It's only one facet. My "default" mode with Sir is that of Daddy and pet. (Daddy not in an age-play sense, but as in that's just what I've come to call Him, and we both enjoy it. He's only a couple of years older than me. LOL) It's comfortable. And the irony is, in the early days when we started playing, when I was just topping Him and there wasn't a sexual element to our play, we jokingly called each other bro and sis because we are so much alike. Hubby dubbed us twins because of the similarities.

Had you asked me a few years ago if I'd be in this positon, I would have said hell, no. Life throws us curve balls, and I'm glad that I'm lucky enough to be married to a man who loves me enough to know what I need even more than I know it sometimes. And if there were ever a situation in the future where Hubby came to me and said he'd met someone he'd like to explore with, I would offer that same support to him as well.

That's not to say there's not twinges of jealousy here and there. We're all human. Most of those feelings come down to time constraints, and it's not so much true jealousy as it is wishing there were an extra twenty-four hours in the day to devote elsewhere. LOL

What we have isn't for everyone. But it works for us. And for that, I thank the Universe every day.

(Tymber's website is http://tymberdalton.com and her latest release, "Domme by Default," an auto-biographical story about a wife trying to come to grips with her husband's need for dominance, is now available for pre-order from Siren-BookStrand.)

36 comments:

  1. Wow that is great that your husband is on board. I think most husbands don't get it and get jealous and that hampers the relationship.

    Some people are afraid to explore there sexual fantasies and that can become evident in the searching of a new spouse. Your life style that you lead is very intriguing and sounds very promising because lets face it spice is the variety of life!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Tee - Exactly. I have no desire to "cheat" or to leave Hubby. Obviously, our situation isn't for everyone, but for us it works. :)

      Delete
  2. Thanks for the look into your life. I'm a person who always wonders how the dynamics work in relationships like this (in real life), but never ask because I figure it's none of my business as long as my friends are happy.

    ReplyDelete
  3. @Gemma - And that's one reason why I don't mind talking about it. For obvious reasons I never identify Sir or His wife, because of privacy issues. Our personal friends know us and know our situation, and some of them are also in poly or "swolly" types of situations. But in real life, yes, poly, or non-traditional non-monogamy, can work if everyone wants to make it work.

    ReplyDelete
  4. First of all I have to say thank you to you, Tymber, for being so open with us your fans. I think often times peeps judge what they do not understand. I my self when looking for a man this go round have decided that life is to short not to go for it all. I want a relationship where he gets all of me (kinks and all). I will say that your situation gets my dirty imagination going like no other.. LOL.. but hold back myself back from asking way to personal questions. Hugz and thanks again for the peak into your world. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @KcLu - You definitely need to not "settle" for someone. There is someone out there for everyone, you just have to look for them and stay true to yourself.

      Delete
  5. That was very interesting...the honesty just shines through so it's no surprise that you all make it work! I have never asked either because I think it's only truly important to those involved and if everyone is happy at heart with their situation then there is certainly no room for judgement on anyone else's part. But as one of your readers...I find the information you shared very interesting and it only adds to the enjoyment of reading! Thank you and I'm truly happy for you that you have a wonderful and soul-deep relationship with both your Sir and your hubby!

    Lee (Alisa)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Lee - Thank you. :) The reason I've decided to speak out is that I think it's important, with some factions out there wanting to limit who can and can't marry, and people who'd like everyone to fit into nice, neat little definitions of "traditional marriage," to get other stories out there. I'm lucky enough that I don't have to hide who I am, but there are plenty of people out there living, literally, in fear of what could happen to their jobs or what not if others found out they're in non-traditional relationships. The more we speak out and stand up, the more people will realize how "normal" it truly is.

      Delete
  6. Thanks so much for sharing Tymber. I love your books and this new insight into your personal life is amazing to hear about and ponder the possibilities. I'd love to know more about how a session with "Sir" helps your fibromyalgia pain? I'm a sufferer as well and am always looking for natural methods to lessen the pain. I would think an intense BDSM session would cause more pain rather then lessen it; so I'm quite intrigued by the possibility you are hinting at. - Miss Mystery

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Miss Mystery - Everyone with Fibro is different. For me, impact play and things like fire cupping really help with my fibro pain. Directly, through flogging and fire cupping, and indirectly through other impact play through endorphin release as a result of deep subspace. (Sir can drop me into subspace just by talking to me.) It's not for everyone, but I know quite a few people with chronic pain who love getting a flogging with something like a nice suede mop flogger. Sort of like a really good massage. (Not all flogging is painful. LOL)

      Delete
    2. Thanks Tymber - that make so much more sense now and it sounds like you have the right partner for accomplishing this. Do you think you might work the "Fibro" angle into a BDSM book sometime? - Miss Mystery

      Delete
  7. Tymber, this post has been a pleasure to read. I, like Gemma, like to know how the dynamics of these relationships work, though I'm not willing to ask too many questions of the few people I know except for one and she's still in the middle of exploring things now that she's come to realize that she's a natural submissive. Lucky for me she likes to talk about this and I'm her sounding board. I've also come to the realization that the lifestyle interests me more than I originally thought, so more of an in depth look is in order. Thank you so much for being so open about this topic! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Dani - Never be afraid to politely ask questions. Many people are willing to talk about their situations, but are afraid to for fear of ridicule (or worse).

      Delete
  8. Thank you Tymber for this article. I must admit I am new to you as a fan and a reader of your books. I love them and my eyes have certainly been opened to BDSM way of life. I must admit I always thought that it was a bit of a weird way and quite degrading. However, after being introduced to your books and reading your website and articles like this (and doing some research of my own) I am definitely doing a U-turn on my thoughts. I think the relationship the 4 of you have is wonderful but I must be honest, I think jealousy would be my downfall. Do I trust my husband - absolutely - I think it is just something I could not deal with personally. Once again, thank you so much for your honesty and your wonderful books. I love reading them and yep although my lifestyle may be vanilla (a new word I learnt towards sexuality) it is certainly spicing up :D Regards Lise

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Lise - Thanks. :) That's one reason why I love to write about BDSM, because I try to approach it from a realistic standpoint. The basic tenet of BDSM is trust, and unless people understand that, it's hard for them to wrap their minds around the dynamics. The submissive (in a consensual, non-abusive relationship) truly holds the reins. It's their limits the Dom respects and sticks to (although in some cases, yes, there is gentle testing of boundaries sometimes). Never be ashamed to explore your sexuality. If it's all consensual, and if you're having fun, then it's all good. :)

      Delete
  9. very interesting, i have to admit, i'm probably living vicariously through you and your books. Thanks for the insight.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am interested in the statement that you made about a good beating to help with your Fybro pain, I have always been afraid that it would be made worse by a spanking or what have you. Any idea on why it helps? Thanks for being willing to share so much of your life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Carin - Everyone is different. Some want a heavier impact play session, some a lighter one. You'd have to start gentle and find what works for you. In all seriousness, a nice mop flogger, of soft suede or leather, feels like a massage and isn't painful in the least. (Unless you get hit in the eye or it catches a piercing. LOL)

      Delete
  11. Great post, Tymber. I lived in a similar situation with my hubby before he passed away. I have poly friends in the lifestyle as well and I was/am always being asked by people to explain how it works. You explained it perfectly. All questions on this topic will be directed to this post from now on :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Jan - Aww, thank you! ((HUGS)) And sorry about your loss.

      Delete
  12. re: the fibromyalgia pain -- I'm not into BDSM, but I would guess that beatings help with the fibromyalgia pain through a massive release of endorphins....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Anon - From what I can tell, yes, that's exactly it, although I'm not a doctor. But as best we (kinky fibro suffers) can tell, it's related to the endorphins.

      Delete
  13. Thank you for sharing with us something so intimate and private that means a lot to you. I am in awe that you would share your intimate life with us who you don't know. I wish you many more years of happiness and health. May you continue to grow and be extremely happy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Carol - Thank you. :) I consider myself blessed by the Universe, that's for sure.

      Delete
  14. Thanks for sharing that part of your life. I'm a big fan and love your stories and have often wondered, how that would translate to real life, does it and could it work? And you have certainly answered that question, if you work hard at it via communication (the most important part of it), yes it can!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Eva's Flowers - It absolutely can and does work for us and for many others out there. Yes, there are train wrecks, as there are in vanilla relationships. But when you consider how many "monogamous" people cheat on each other... Well, I'll take what we have any day. :) What we have isn't for everyone, and I'm in no way knocking monogamy (because for years, I thought that WAS the "perfect" situation for us). And what we have didn't develop overnight, either. Sir and I played together for at least six months, with me topping Him, before I decided I wanted to explore my submissive side. And even then, it was a slow progression into what we have now. We didn't just wake up one day deciding to be poly. LOL :)

      Delete
  15. Thanks Tymber,

    You bring hope to some of us! :)
    Maria

    ReplyDelete
  16. Tymber, as always you said it wonderfully! Sir and I like to play with others often. Other times we like to play just us. I love that when I read what you write I know while, yes the story is fictional, the aspects you write about are fact. You are an amazing woman with amazing men in your life! Thank you for sharing and helping others to understand.
    HUGZ to you!
    Corie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Corie - Thanks. :) That's one of the reasons I started writing BDSM, because I wanted to write true-to-life (as much as I could).

      Delete
  17. Hi Tymber,
    As others have commented Thankyou for your willingness to share the details of how your relationship works. Likewise I would never ask as really it is not my business and I admire you for sharing. Your integrity shines through and I admire that and I love to see when folk are willing to show that integrity in their relationships.
    Your comment re the fibro pain is interesting as someone newly diagnosed and how I just love a back massage and a 'thud' massage is just heavenly for me so I may need to think about that somemore.
    from Vanessa

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Vanessa - Thank you. :) Yes, a good flogging from a mop flogger really does feel like a thuddy massage. There's absolutely no pain in it at all.

      Delete
  18. Thanks Tymber for the wonderful insight on your relationship with hubby and Sir..
    I think you are one amazing woman and I am so proud of you and how you view life.
    And your an awesome,awesome writer!! If I wasn't so ashamed of my weight, I would like to check out BDSM MORE.
    I am working on it, but it is so slow in happening.
    ~Teresa~

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Teresa, thank you, but do NOT let your weight hold you back! Believe me, I'm no skinny-mini, and plenty of my friends are BBW (Big Beautiful Women). Do NOT be ashamed of your weight! Curves are beautiful. ((HUGS))

      Delete
  19. Tymber, thank you for sharing. I'm a young single girl coming to terms with my sexual preferences being more "exciting" than the norm... Reading about your experiences is encouraging. I was involved as a third party to a happily married couple and it was amazing... I want to find my own man that is open to this. My troubles lay in the fact that there are a lot of guys that want to play... But not for long term. Or they are afraid of the lifestyle. I'm at a loss for how to meet people that are into this, without finding the creeps that don't really "get it". Do you know what I mean?
    How do I find like-minded people? I'm in Ontario, and just starting out...
    Even just reading posts on this site is helpful. I see that there are people out there that are open to talking.

    ReplyDelete