Friday, November 30, 2012

Which switch is which?

I see questions all the time from writers who aren't in the lifestyle asking if a dominant (or submissive) would do X, Y, or Z in a given circumstance. "Is that something a Dominant would do?"

Well, considering there are no BDSM police out there keeing a Dom from doing the dishes, uh, yeah, they'd do it.

Here's the thing, people are people first in BDSM. (And for those of you who don't know it, I am in the BDSM lifestyle.)

It's fine for some "won twue wayers" to insist someone isn't a "real" Dom or sub or slave or whatever because they do/don't do ____.

I call bullshit.

This is real life. And frankly, in a D/s or M/s dynamic, if the Top wants to do something and it's not out of bounds based on the bottom's hard limits, they can do it. If they want to give their sub a massage or cook dinner or whatever, hey, knock yourselves out.

Anyone who is such an ass in their BDSM dynamic that they can't remember they are people first and not perfect little BDSM robots isn't someone I'd want to have in my circle of friends, quite honestly.

For example, I'm a switch. That means sometimes I like to top, sometimes I like to bottom. I started out as Hubby's top and owner. Over time, with my health issues, it's easier to step back and let him feel his toppy oats, and on occasion I'll bottom to him. In my default role with Sir, I'm His collared slave and submissive. (I am co-collared to Hubby and Sir.) Sir and pet. That, we've found over time and LOTS (and lots) of trial and error works best for us, especially mentally for me. When I'm in the mood (or have the energy for it) to be toppy, I tell Him. If He's in the mood to bottom, or even to be submissive (He's a masochist as well as a sadist), then great, we switch.

I'm sure that statement made someone's head somewhere explode with indignation. "You can't be a twue slave if you top! And he can't be a twue Dominant if he bottoms!"


The only person that has the right to define what someone should or shouldn't be in their dynamic is someone actually IN the dynamic.


We take great delight in keeping our friends guessing who is in which role at any given time. They've made a game out of it of trying to figure out who's in the driver's seat when we show up at an event. It's not always easy. Sir is a gear kind of guy, and He might be in full-on Dominant mode and yet be wearing a collar as well.


Because He WANTS to, that's why. That's my point. Likewise, when I'm in full-on Dominant mode, I'm always wearing my collar. Why? Because I WANT to.

See, don't ever forget that people in this lifestyle are in it voluntarily. Slavery is illegal in this and most other countries. So people in the lifestyle (as long as they aren't being abused) are in it because they want to be in it. They pick and choose their roles because they want them. Sir would not top me if I didn't want Him to. Not because I wouldn't let Him, but because HE has no interest in forcing me to do something.

Eh, well, unless of course we're playing at something and I've told Him I want Him to force me to do something as part of the play.

But that's getting into a whole 'nother conversation.

In other words, don't get caught up in rigid role boxes. Just like there are fluid gender roles, there are fluid D/s and M/s roles, even between people who aren't switches. When you add in the switch factor, you add even more to the mix.

And frankly, it's a lot more fun that way.

* * *

Aaannd on to other news...

*Snoopy dancing* It's release day for "Out of Bight, Out of Mind," the fourth (but not the last) installment in my Deep Space Mission Corps series from Siren-BookStrand. When I wrote the first book in the series back in 2009, I actually had to compose the manuscript on a teeny tiny little netbook, using a USB mouse and keyboard attached to it, because the screen on my main laptop died and had to get fixed. LOL

Now that's perseverance. LOL


[Siren Ménage Everlasting: Erotic Futuristic Sci-Fi Ménage a Quatre Romance, M/M/M/F, HEA]

Emi Hypatia loves her job exploring the galaxy with her three husbands, Aaron Lucio, Caph Bates, and Ford Caliban. When a nonhuman crewman is temporarily assigned to the Tamora Bight for a mission, Emi hates and mistrusts him at first sight due to what her empath training tells her.

Aaron, Caph, and Ford know Emi can't help what she feels about their temporary crewmate, Kayehalau. But they don't know if it's just the jump engines wigging her out, residual nerves from her fight on Kal'moran, or something else. They feel badly Kayehalau's presence on board makes her nervous, but orders are orders.

Emi knows Kayehalau is up to no good. She just has to prove it. It's soon apparent he wants to use her for a nefarious purpose. She turns the tables, but only after she's out of harm's way does her larger problem become apparent. Can Aaron, Caph, and Ford rescue her when she's left Out of Bight, Out of Mind?

A Siren Erotic Romance

Tymber Dalton is a Siren-exclusive author.


The correct reading order is:

1) Love at First Bight
2) Bightmares
3) Spider Bight
4) Out of Bight, Out of Mind

You can find all my Siren releases as Tymber Dalton, Lesli Richardson, Macy Largo, and Tessa Monroe on my Siren page at:

And you can find me on the web at:


  1. Love it, Tymber. I think a lot of times people feel like there are really clearly defined roles in BDSM, and I think that's actually what trips people up when they try it in real life. After all, they're real people with real feelings. But they think they're not entitled to those feelings and those doubts. Well said.

    1. Cassandra - Yes, that's definitely one reason. When Hubby first got us into BDSM a few years back, I looked up female Dominants...and for a while, I REALLY didn't want to do it simply because I did not relate -- at ALL -- to the latex-clad Dominatrixes who stomped men's balls and beat the crap out of them. It was finally a friend of mine, who'd been in the lifestyle for years, and was a Dominant telling me that I was overthinking it and to do what was fun and made us happy. Once I dropped the tropes, it worked for us. And still does.

  2. Thanks for the post, Tymber. I've been reading your posts for getting close to a year (oh, wow! I came out in the scene almost 1 year ago!!) and just love hearing about the dynamics in your relationships with your Hubby and Sir. I couldn't agree more that one of things that I know is true about this lifestyle we have chosen is that we are free to create any type of relationship dynamic we want, as long as everyone agrees. Seems pretty simple and straight forward to me. In fact, I had never met such an amazingly open and honest bunch of people before I started meeting people in the scene. Not to say there aren't those jerks who seem to want to bring drama and discord wherever they go, but I stay way clear of them!

    I have made the most amazing friendships over the past year. I was saying to R, the Dom that I'm involved with, that I never knew there were so many different ways to have relationships! Ours has been growing even though I'm in Antigua and he's in NY, mainly because he's created a very sexy way for us to play together while I'm away, as well as bring in elements of D/s as a way to help me stay connected to the lifestyle and to him. It also helps to feed my need to submit to him. He didn't want to see my life go back to how it was before I came out as a sub..and neither did I! The prospect of that was so upsetting before I left that without discussing it with me (shiver!), he had come up with yummy plans for me sexually and intellectually. We both aren't into a rule-based, long distance D/s dynamic where he is picking out my underwear everyday, but we have created a way for us to get what we each want/need from one another while I'm gone.

    I don't know where else I would find that except in this wonderful lifestyle!

    Thanks again, Tymber for reminding me to be grateful today for what I have and not sad because of what I don't have right now or the fact that I am homesick, missing my friends and desperate for a good, hard spanking!


    1. Aww, you're welcome. :) I'm glad reading our story has been helpful to you, which is one of the reasons I decided to talk about what we do. I wanted other people to know there is a LOT more to BDSM than the crap vanilla-written books and really bad wank-porn out there.

  3. Tymber, I just love you, your sense of humor slays me! I think people forget that a different lifestyle is just an aspect of a person.

  4. Thank you for this! I'm a reader only, but I've questioned the dynamics of a (particular) relationship many times. I have a very vivid imagination, and reading this makes me realise that many scenarios are VERY possible!

    Thank you again for this honest comment!

  5. Once again Tymber, well said. I am not in the lifestyle but what you have said is true for any relationship. It is up to the people in it to set the boundaries as they want them and which fulfil them. My hubby and I agree it is waking up each day thinking what can I do today to show I love him/her and then doing that thing because you know they like/love/need it. Thanks again for reminding us there is not 'won twue way' for anything only the way the people in the relationship agree to.