Monday, February 18, 2013

To radical feminists who hate BDSM: Fuck. You.

On one of the email lists I'm on, someone posted a blog entry sent to them. The short version is the blog was written by a radical feminist who claims that anyone who practices BDSM is a misogynistic asshole (the male Dominant) or a delusional, weak, misled woman (the submissive).

Really? REALLY? This is 2013. Do we REALLY have to keep having these kinds of discussions?

The basic tenets of BDSM are trust and communication. Are there abusive assholes? Sure there are, just like there are in vanilla land. And the abusive assholes can be of either gender.

The radical feminists who refuse to see that BDSM is a legitimate choice in both relationship dynamics as well as sexual practices are no better than the radical right-wing anti-gay evangelicals, or the radical extremists of any religion. The radical feminists who put down the choice to participate in BDSM are small-minded, ignorant pinheads who refuse to educate themselves or talk to people one-on-one who participate in BDSM. They are the intellectual equivalent of the Westboro Baptist Church protesters.

Look, my choice might not be your choice, but as a BDSM switch I can unequivocally state that I am NOT abused, nor am I an abuser. As a slave and submissive, all I have to do is safeword and play immediately stops. As a top, if my submissive safewords, I immediately stop.

Tell me how many "abusers" are that considerate?

Radical feminists who abhor BDSM no doubt would be happy if we all just went to doing cowgirl position, coming before our men, and then rolling over to fall asleep without getting them off.

*snooorrreeeee*

Seriously? Do they think the end result of feminist activism is NOT having the choice to do what we want to do? Really?

You know what? So BDSM isn't your thing. That's cool, I get that. No problem.

My problem comes when some radical feminist who's never met me lays out a blanket statement saying I'm a misguided, abused fool when they don't know shit about me or my lifestyle.

I am a switch. I am a submissive. I am a collared slave. (And yes, there are "one twue wayers" out there whose heads just exploded, and to them I also say, "Fuck. You.")

You don't have to like what I do anymore than I have to like what you do. But here's a key difference--I offer you respect despite not agreeing with your choices.

Too bad you can't offer back the same. And that means you've wasted your opportunities to wallow in the mire of idiocy, level: Westboro Baptist.

Your thoughts?

--

Tymber Dalton is a screaming banshee moderately outspoken real-life participant in the BDSM lifestyle. Her website is http://tymberdalton.com and her sequel to The Reluctant Dom, The Denim Dom, will be released March 1, 2013, from Siren-BookStrand.

22 comments:

  1. Frankly, the "delusion" rests more with the "radical feminist" than with those in the BDSM community. A shame, really. RF's have no clue what they're missing....

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  2. I agree with your opinion and appreciate the articulate way you express yourself

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  3. Anytime someone feels the need to judge another, I tune out. I understand that some women would rather die than to submit to another. I respect their choice. However, I do not think I am less of a woman if I WANT to submit. Are BDSM couples better than other couples? No, I would never make that claim.

    However, the dynamic a couple chooses to live under is their business only. Why others feel the need to voice their opinion about it is beyond me.

    When two people live in harmony, it is a beautiful thing. Why trash that with negativity?

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  4. My mother once said in the 60s a woman is still a feminist if she CHOOSES to be a housewife. It's all in whether or not it was her CHOICE.

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  5. Good for you, Tymber. FWIW, the LEAST exploited I've ever felt during sex was in a scene, where the roles and boundaries are explicit and agreed upon beforehand. In many ways there is LESS game-playing involved (except, of course, for the fun kind). In vanilla land, "this is a hard limit" is so often treated as a first step in negotiation, even if the limiting party really doesn't want to negotiate. And often that all happens during the event, when people aren't thinking clearly and emotions are high. To me, THAT is coercive (and yeah, I know there are Doms out there who still do that, because assholes abound regardless of flavor, but at least the underlying assumption is that certain boundaries will be respected).

    Grrr. *rageface*

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  6. Living my own life takes up my whole day, I always wonder about those who are so interested in trying to make others' choices for them. I guess they have a lot of spare time. I try to avoid radicals of any kind, because they all seem to share the interest in making everyone think exactly like they do...which is boring and irritating.

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  7. I'm not in the lifestyle, but I've always been struck with how much power the submissive has over the Dom. The Dom literally must serve the sub's needs and that's a powerful position to be in. Any feminist should rejoice in that. Like you said, asshats abound in all lifestyles, but at least there are rules to this one. Great post, Tymber.

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  8. It is all about choice. Judgmental asshats need not apply. Go Tymber!! <3

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  9. There are at least two things to consider, probably a lot more. One is that the feminist does not know enough about BDSM, and the way it is supposed to be. Unfortunately, there are some practitioners who, whether or not they know better, don't practice SSC. The second is fear. The more "militant" a feminist is, the more likely that there is some history of involuntary subjugation by a parent or a significant other.

    If you look at the history of BDSM, you may note that SSC is a relatively new concept. Just as women's liberation is a relatively new concept. It hasn't been so many years ago that women (and children) were totally subject to the male head of the house. In the traditional wedding ceremony, the father of the bride *still* gives his daughter to the groom. The word "obey" is still heard in some vows.

    As with any major change, the pendulum swings far to the opposite direction at first. Women whose "liberation" came late or had to be fought for, are more likely to be militant about it. They are veterans of the war for liberation. Having struggled for control and self-determination, we do not give it up easily.

    Just as with BDSM, communication is the key to resolving this conflict. "Fuck. You." is a lot easier, but if you have the time and the patience, you may be able to help the militant feminist to see your point of view, and to recognize that one does not have to surrender one's autonomy, that the communication between D/s far surpasses ordinary communication between significant others, and that a safeword is always respected.

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  10. These are same people who say my choice to stay home and care for my family rather than have a career mean I'm too stupid and weak to hold a real job. Choice means making the same choice as them I guess. And believe me trying to manage a large family on a shrinking income and increasing costs is hard work. My children all help and contribute to the work load as they have gotten older. I am more the manager than the full time worker. And sometimes I feel like a drudge but heck I felt that way almost daily when I worked for a paycheck. Okay now off my rant. ;)

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  11. Tymber, I have to agree with Pogonip. In order for someone to understand any situation, they need to hear it straight from the horse's mouth (so to speak). As the song goes "free your mind and the rest will follow". If communication is key with BDSM, then maybe communication might be key with this person as well. Everyone has choices. So choice to be ignorant and others open-minded. We are all behind you. :)

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  12. It boils down to one simple thing - choice. That, to me is true feminism. And yes, I'm one of those deluded women who chose to stay home with her children, and be 'the good little wife.'

    Of course hubby would love at that last statement ;-)

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  13. *laugh, not love* lol

    Past midnight here and I clearly should be in bed!

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  14. Tymber....I agree with you! <3

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  15. Although I have a very vanilla life, I completely agree with you. I have known many people who were abused and there is a very big difference between consensual kink and abuse. Try not to let narrow minded people get to you :)

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  16. *applause* Well said! I believe true choice is a truer form of feminism than everyone making the same choice. My choice is to be a good mom, wife, and (yes) sub. Again, I choose all of those things.

    Mel

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  17. I totally agree with you and as a person who has been abused in the past I know the difference between consent and abuse and BDSM is simply not it....

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  18. Thanks, everyone. :) Yeah, this kind of "feminism" just gets under my skin. To me, it's the same kind of "suppression" they're supposedly fighting against, except they're trying to replace things with their brand of "normal."

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  19. I'm a submissive who has been abused in the past... and I can tell you there is a HUGE DIFFERENCE. Anyone who says different has clearly NOT been in either position!

    Fuck. You. Is definitely much kinder than I would have said! LOL!! Thank-you Tymber!

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  20. It's so stupid to say submissive women can't be self-confident or feminist! I'm sometimes submissive in bed but I'm pretty dominant in everyday life, I'm perfectly equal to my husband and I'm emancipated and a feminist. There's no contradiction! Thanks a lot for your article!

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  21. Radical feminists are retards and should be treated as such.

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