Monday, October 15, 2012

A Good Dom/Domme

I recently participated in the Hot in Handcuffs blog hop and the question I posed in my blog post was what sort of Dom/Domme do you like? Overwhelmingly the responses were one who is confident, strong, powerful, in control, kind, caring and sensitive. I think the Doms I write about in my books have those characteristics and they are certainly personality traits I like in a Dom but the responses started me thinking. Are the traits contradictory? If I want all those characteristics plus more in my Dom am I expecting too much? Do Doms with those traits only exist in novels?

Luckily, I'm continuing to be a BDSM social butterfly, getting out and about and meeting lots of new people. So, I decided to do a little observation at a party I went to on the weekend. You’ll be happy to know that Doms with those traits do exist in real life. I’m also sure you won’t be surprised when I say that there are also Doms who don’t have those traits. I had a discussion with the sub I travelled to the party with and we compared notes on Doms we’d been involved with over the years. The stories we shared could have ended in a list titled ‘the good, the bad, and the ugly’.

What the discussion reinforced for me was, when I’m ready to find a new Dom, I need to have a perfectly clear idea of exactly what I want. I’ve always had a vague idea but I think I need to be more specific on certain aspects. So yes, I want the characteristics stated above but what else do I need to look for? 

At the party a lovely Dom pointed out to there are other things, apart from personality traits, which I need to consider when considering a new Dom. Some of the things I knew, others I hadn’t thought of before. He pointed out a few lifestyle practices that, in his opinion, a good Dom would do when interacting with someone he viewed as a prospective sub. Here’s what he imparted.

 A good Dom will:

·         Always have a discussion about limits, what a sub likes/dislikes in the way of play and lifestyle practices.

·         Build trust with a sub by getting to know them over a period of time prior to asking them to engage in play.

·         Have absolutely no problem with a prospective sub asking for names of other subs as references so you can clarify what he is like as a Dom.

·         Be happy to answer any questions you ask, no matter what they are. His answers will be direct, not vauge or delayed as if he's trying to think up an answer because you've put him on the spot or trying to hide something.

·         Will start off slowly once they engage in play to continue to build trust and get to know the subs responses prior to proceeding to heavy play sessions.

·         Be communicative, not only explaining their own expectations but also ensuring yours are voiced and listened to as well.

His advice on what to do if a Dom doesn’t do these things was, take it as a warning sign and walk away as the person is probably a player who has no idea what their doing.

So what do you think, what else apart from personality traits would you look for in a Dom/Domme? What action/act would be something that would send up a warning flag for you?


  1. Jan I always love reading your post! For some reason I really connect your explanation about the lifestyle. There is a question that had me wondering based on what you said. You said in the post that you and the sub you travelled with compared notes on the Doms you have been involved with over the years and are looking at characteristics that you want in a new Dom. I was just wondering since it is such a close and intimate relationship are these things you are looking for in a partner to fall in love with and have a relationship with?

    I'm sorry if I'm not making myself clear I guess what I am asking (and if it is too personal please forgive me and just make a general statement) is since a sub is going to be so intimate with this person wouldn't a sub want to find a Dom to fall in love with and call her boyfriend (flourish a dating relationship) instead of just a Dom. I just think it would seem so lonely to just play with someone and reveal so much to that person (both physically and emotionally) to just go home alone.

    I plan to keep this post because your tips on what to look for in a good Dom are very important.

    Thank you Jan and I can't want to read your next post!

    1. Hi Serenity,

      I guess everyone is different in what they are looking but my friend and I were talking about a permanaent relationship with a Dom that includes more than just a play arrangement.

  2. Absolutely true. Though answers can be delayed if you are asking a complicated one. (If the relationship wasn't working out, how would you handle it?, for example...)

    Nice list. The roads are littered with broken hearts of subs who trusted too soon simply because they wanted a relationship without investigating the details first.