Monday, November 26, 2012

Brats, BDSM and Books

 Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license.
What does a lion have to do with brats, you may well ask. A lot. Or at least it's the best analogy I could think of.

One of the infuriating things about writing BDSM in fiction is that you often can't quote sources or in some cases you can't come out and say precisely who you are and what you do. This can result in some farcical situations. Some reviewers love to declare to one and all that this here book here has got the BDSM all wrong and that, the author clearly knows nothing.

I've seen this said about books by Dommes and submissives, and I've seen the BDSM dissed in books like The Reluctant Dom by Tymber Dalton, who has since come out and declared herself a kinkster who is well and truly deep in the BDSM lifestyle. It's amusing in a way, but also annoying and ridiculous. But what makes it worse is when the criticism revolves around something that is truly just not the way the person criticizing the book likes their own BDSM scenes to roll.

My last book was written partly to throw some fun into the mix. There are so many edgy dark BDSM stories where the Dom is closer to robot or Sith ancestry than he is to a real man. Really, there should be a stamp somewhere that says,

Because they do. If you meet a Dom who has no sense of humor just check for a pulse. Sure while he's playing he might go into super strict Dom mode, if that's the dynamic of your relationship, but no one is like that all damn day. Even in a Master/ slave relationship there will be fun, or maybe you should be high-tailing it out of there...unless of course having no fun is your kink.

But, getting past the fun aspect, we also wanted to show brats in our story, because brats are much maligned and insulted. And yes, among my friends, there are two women who are brats who are very like the characters in my book. One is a bisexual collared switch with over ten years in the lifestyle. But that doesn't stop people declaring that there is too much bratting in the story. Okay, I get it, if a reader doesn't click with the dynamic of the BDSM in the story, okay. Move on. I don't 'get' humiliation play either, like face-slapping or being a coffee table. I don't 'get' dressing up as a pony either - it's way out of my comfort zone, but I accept that others like this.
Where this all goes pear-shaped is when people say this is wrong, and it's not BDSM.

Uh-uh. You may despise bratting in a D/s relationship and you may love obeying your Dom at a snap of his fingers and the growl of his voice but you are not everyone. Others prefer the challenge.

Here is where the lion comes in. Think of a Dom as a predator. If you're a hunter and you have a choice between having the prey walk up to you and  roll over at your feet, you'd accept that possibly. But not all do. Some prefer to have to chase after that prey, and drag it down while it is running away. With the human element of taunting by said prey added to the mix the whole scene can be even more potent.

Submission can come easily or with obstacles in the way. The brat switch I know loves it when her Dom makes her submit by force and he loves doing it. He loves dares. If she tells him he hits like a mosquito,
guess what, he wants to hit so hard she writhes and begs him to stop, and that gets her motor going too, and so the circle goes. Some brats are worse than others. Human relationships are not set in stone and do NOT have to abide by any rules except the ones made up by those in the relationship.

Some Doms can't stand bratting but surprise, surprise, they don't end up in relationships with brats, they find a submissive who likes their style of D/s.

Bottom line is, YOU may not like bratting in real life, or in stories, to you it may not be submission, but to others it is the color that heightens their kink life. Without it everything fades into black and white.

Take care that you respect what others do, as well as what you and your partner choose to do. There is no One Twu Way. There is only you and them. Make up your own rules. Be happy. Be safe.

I'll leave you with a quote from a friend.

"One of the things that I embrace about the lifestyle I have chosen, is that there is the freedom to define our own relationships."

12 comments:

  1. Well said. There are many types/styles/flavors of BDSM and if something isn't your kink, that's fine, but that doesn't make it "not BDSM" or "wrong".

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  2. I've been startled by the negative reactions to certain BDSM books. For folks who don't want their own life choices judged, some of them can be awfully judgey!

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  3. Just imagine a world where the only flavor of ice cream was vanilla, just because you don't like chocolate, doesn't make it wrong. Mmmm, chocolate.

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  4. *Smiles* A bratty submissive is almost a given. I can't imagine a submissive who wasn't a little bratty. To my way of thinking, it's not if she's going to be bratty or willful, it's just to what degree. I'm not talking about a slave, but rather a submissive who in her everyday life is generally in charge and in control. A woman like that, who chooses to entered into a D/s relationship because of the security and comfort it gives her to relinquish control to her Dom/Domme, she can't help being bratty.

    I think the Lion analogy is a good one. Most Doms/Dommes enjoy and expect a certain amount of brat behavior, but the sub would be wise to pay attention to the signs when the Dom/Domme has had enough.

    The people who criticize brats in a book obviously never read 50 Shades. Ms. Anna was a real brat.

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  5. LOL Benjamin.
    I agree. In a real relationship you are never going to always agree with your Dom, which can make for fun as long as things are kept respectful.

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  6. Great post. I have no real experience with BDSM but I personally love a variety of different characters, including brats. And I love a sense of humor so if I were to ever have a Dom, it would have to be one who was not serious all the time. Btw, I am like you and not into the humiliation/shame aspect. But to each his/her own :)

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  7. Fabulous post Cari. I really enjoyed your point of view. And, a sense of humor is a MUST! Hugs,
    Krystal Shannan

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  8. Thanks for the great post! I am known to be bratty, but my Sir loves it. It is nice to see I am not the only one. Having fun is definitely vital in our relationship. Great lion analogy!
    Mel

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  9. Lovely post, Cari! I've learned so much over the years reading about ALL the different kinds of D/s relationships, and there are SO many!

    Just as each human being is unique, so must be any D/s couple (triad, etc) :) Not much makes me go "sweeeesh" or "ughhhh", and since I have no RL knowledge, I keep a very open mind about what is written.

    I am humbled by the number of authors who have (openly) revealed their BDSM lives to us fans: it just makes me more impressed to realise their writings are so much nearer the 'truth' than we could ever imagine.

    So, thank you, BDSM lifestylers who bring realism to your novels. Thank you for some simply wonderful stories :)

    Hugs
    Carole-Ann

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  10. Why would anyone do this if they weren't having fun? Isn't there enough serious stuff in life, with making a living, taking care of family, paying bills, being responsible? If they're not having fun in their relationships, maybe it's time to look at a different sort of life. A monastery, or professional bungee-jumping, or under-water basket weaving.

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  11. I LOVE this post. I was just experiencing my own aggravation issues a few minutes ago based on this same type of situation. One of the best things, in my opinion, about being a part of the BDSM lifestyle is the lack of rules and guidelines and regulations. It has gotten so common, however, for people who SHOULD understand the right to make these choices (because they are a member of the lifestyle, too) to come down on someone who does not play by the rules they have set for themselves! Thanks for posting this!

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  12. Excellent post! If you want to criticize a book because something is not possible for a human being to withstand that is one thing. A la 'That story was ridiculous. The Dom gave her 8,356 lashes with a cat 'o nine..." Ok, I'm cool with that.

    But ripping a book simply because it doesn't live by your definition of how "real" BDSM works should be a spankable offense. With... oh I don't know... a cat 'o nine or something.

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