Saturday, August 25, 2012

Getting involved with the BDSM Community

 Post by Jan Graham
Not many of you will know this but I recently moved house. In fact I not only moved house, I changed cities as well. I used to live in a rural township about an hour from Sydney in Australia. Now I live in the middle of the second biggest city in the state, three hours from Sydney. It's been a big change but after approximately nine weeks, I think I'm finally in the swing of city living again. As well as settling into city life I've also had to connect with members of the Kink community in a city where I know very few people. 
While I was deciding what to blog about today, something occurred to me.  Maybe some of you are interested in becoming more involved with your local BDSM community but just don't know where to start. Needless to say, I thought I'd share my journey so far.
The first step for me was to investigate what groups existed in my local area. In order to do that I went to Fetlife. For those of you who don't know what Fetlife is it's a social networking site for the BDSM and Kink community. There are other sites that you can join but I find they are more about hooking up or dating and that's not what I'm looking for. I've had a profile on Fetlife for many years and I use it to stay in touch with friends involved in the lifestyle. It's my kinky facebook. I began by searching different groups listed on the site for my local area, had a look at what they offered and joined a couple of groups that seemed to be active and who organised social events. I became friends with a few of the group participants, joined in on the forum discussions and checked out dates for the munches that were coming up. The next step was to move from the relative anonymity of cyberland into reality.
Step two was...attend a munch. A munch is a get together at a public venue, there is no BDSM play, no typical fetish clothing, it's just people in the lifestyle getting together to have a meal and get to know each other in a non threatening environment. As it turned out I knew someone who attended, which only proves the BDSM community can be a small world. The group members seemed really friendly and very protective of their subs and younger (both in age and experience level) members within the group, which is a great indication that I've met a good group of people. I would just like to add if I hadn't felt comfortable at the munch, if people had been offensive or inappropriate I would have left and started my search again, but in this case, the experience was a good one.
So, a few weeks later and where am I? I'm attending my first play party. The group has specific requirements for who attends parties and how soon someone can do that after joining the group. I've met the requirements so on Saturday night, I'm off to do more socialising and learn more. Just because it's a play party doesn't mean those attending have to play. I'm not intending to play for the simple reason that I don't know the members well enough yet and haven't built up enough trust with anyone in the group to engage in the activities I like. It's still going to be a fun night though, even without being
I think it's important to note that throughout the process I've set rules for myself, and will continue to do so. As a single sub I need to look after myself and setting personal limits is a way to do that. As well as the no play rule I mentioned earlier, here are some other practices I use.
  • Fetlife for me is a social medium and that's how I use it. If I get messages from people asking to hook up or wanting to talk dirty, I politely decline. They generally go away without any fuss.
  • Before I committed to going to a munch, I spoke with the local group leaders online and found out the motivation for the group they moderated. I read the group profile and some of the member profiles just to get to see who everyone was and chose people to friend that I thought I'd have something in common with.
  • For the munch and the party there specific requirements like dress codes, appropriate behaviors, limits on alcohol consumption etc. I'll make sure I'm fully aware of all these and stick to them. 
  • I'll be giving a close friend, not attending the party, the details of where I am and the organisers phone number. I'll send check in texts throughout the evening (if I don't she'll sit at home and worry about
  • When I arrive at the party on Saturday, I'll make sure I identify and say hello to the Dungeon Master/s, in case I need assistance throughout the night.
Anyway, that's about it. So far so good as they say. I'm making inroads into getting to know people and having a kinky social life again. Now, the next thing to do is to decide what to, where did I put my platforms again?
Wish me luck.


Monday, August 20, 2012

Introduction to blood play

DISCLAIMER: I am *not* an expert in blood play. Please, please, please do proper research before trying something like this.

I was asked by one of my Twitter followers to write about blood play. While this is not one of my kinks (I'm a bit squeamish about blood), your kink doesn't have to be my kink.

So what is blood play? According to Peter Masters, a BDSM expert, blood play is any form of BDSM play in which bloodletting is either common or expected. Some of the activities that might produce a side effect of blood play are flogging or caning, but also more extreme types of play such as cutting/knifeplay, needle play or piercing. The latter three, of course, are more likely to produce blood, as the object in this play is oftentimes that very thing. Oftentimes you can do a flogging or caning scene without introducing blood into it at all. But if blood is what you want, these activities can be done to a point that blood is introduced.

I hope I don't have to tell you all that if you're going to play with blood you need to have a LOT of communication and negotiation ahead of time, right? RIGHT? And you don't do something like blood play unless you totally, absolutely trust the other person in the scene. Trust comes with time. People have to earn trust and if someone tells you anything different, run, don't walk, in the other direction.

If you follow the link above to Peter Masters, he explains some of the safety protocols (like latex gloves) that should be used with blood play. The always-informative Leather n Roses blog also has an excellent post on blood play: Safety is always paramount in BDSM, but especially with any form of edgeplay or extreme play.

*stepping off soapbox*

How common is blood play? I'm not sure, honestly. I know there are people out there who do it, but it's not nearly as common as, say, impact play (spanking, paddling) or bondage. Many public clubs don't allow it because of the health risks, so you're more likely to encounter it at a private party or in someone's home.

NOTE: If you're not squeamish and you want to see one interesting example of blood play, check out this site:

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Being a Sub Doesn’t Have To Be a Pain In The Butt

Post by Jan Graham

I often have discussions with friends and other people I meet about BDSM. It just seems to be a topic that comes up around me, especially now with some many people knowing about Fifty Shades. There are two statements that reoccur in many of the conversations. ‘I could never be a sub because I’m not into pain.’ and ‘I could never let a man hit me.’  

 Admittedly a lot of erotic romance does highlight painful pleasure and activities such as spanking. I include those in my novels as well, but the fact remains there are a lot of lifestyle practices that don’t include pain or impact play. For the sake of this post I’m sticking to D/s relationships as SM definitely falls into the pain category. In simple terms, Dominance and submission is about a consensual power exchange. How the exchange manifests is up to the individuals involved. Just like some subs don’t like painful activities, not all Doms like inflicting pain. Punishment doesn’t have to be corporal is D/s relationships and neither do sexual activities.

Acts that some people consider a little kinky are in fact based in D/s practices. Being bound, whether it is with a scarf or fluffy handcuffs and tied to a bed or having your body tied with rope in a shibari technique is an act of bondage.  It’s also an act of submission, giving control of your body and what happens next to a dominant partner. And what happens next doesn’t have to include, as some of my friends refer to it, being hit.

Sensation play with the use of feather ticklers, a pinwheel run lightly over sensitive areas of the body, the use of hot and cold substances like wax or ice cubes, being blindfolded and fed by your Dom all require trust and are forms of submission. If anything, these activities are far from painful and can be quite erotic. A Dom and sub engaging in orgasm control (i.e. a sub being denied orgasm, told when to orgasm or being made to orgasm repeatedly) is a popular practice in a lot of D/s relationships and can be achieved without inflicting pain.

 When it comes to discipline most people’s minds immediately go to spanking or other acts of corporal punishment. I like to explain the use of non corporal discipline in a D/s relationship as being similar to how a parent might punish a child without smacking them. The possibilities are endless. A Dom may command his sub to sit in the corner or on a punishment stool. Deny them something they particularly enjoy or require them to do something they don’t enjoy.
BDSM doesn’t have to be a pain in the butt and that’s something I like about Dominance and submission, the flexibility of it. There is something for almost everyone. It’s a lifestyle that’s as individual as all of us, whether you’re into pain or not.    
For those of you who’d like a titillating example of this form of D/s relationship some are included in my novel, Playing Jax. The books Dom, Steve takes great delight in resisting spanking Rhia, his prospective sub. Instead he engages in erotic acts of dominance to introduce her into the BDSM lifestyle before moving onto the more traditional spanking/impact activities. I hope you enjoy the excerpt below.

Excerpt from Playing Jax by Jan Graham.

Steve opened the wooden box and pulled out a razor, filling her with a sense of trepidation. She’d expected a disposable razor like she’d bought to use on her legs and underarms. The old- fashioned cutthroat razor looked like new. The steel caught the light as he unfolded it from the handle to reveal the blade.

“I inherited it from my grandfather.” Rhia gulped nervously, her eyes fixed on the shiny blade. “I will never do anything to endanger you, Rhia. Do you believe me when I say that?” He stroked her curls and tenderly ran his fingers along either side of her pussy lips.

Rhia’s heart pounded, a fragment of fear edging at her mind. She started into his eyes and glanced toward the blade and back again. “I believe you and I trust you. I was just expecting something plastic.”

He chuckled as he bent forward. He kissed her curls lovingly and whispered see you again soon against her mound. She closed her eyes as the razor moved between her legs. He trimmed away the excess hair, the blade never coming near her skin. She opened her eyes when warm water trickled over her sex as he moistened the remaining hair. The water soothed her skin, even as the heat of arousal began to build inside her. He applied the soapy lather to her skin using an old-fashioned shaving brush. Rhia moaned as his fingers moved gently over the area. The impersonal brush discarded, he massaged along the crest of her sex, fingers sliding along either side of her lips.

“You are so beautiful, baby, and so responsive, even to the gentlest of my touches. My cock is pounding in my jeans as I do this for you. It’s so damn hard.”

She watched him wipe his fingers clean of soap and once again pick up the razor. The skin pulled taught beneath his fingers and a shiver thrilled her spine as he removed the first of the hair. He shaved her effortlessly, like he’d done it a million times before.

She began to ache for him, moisture building between her lips. Her nipples peaked beneath her bra, and her breath became shallow as unfamiliar sensations flowed over her. She responded to everything he was doing, the water warming her skin, the creaminess of the soap against her flesh, the tickle of the brush, and then the coolness of the blade as it stroked over her.

“Oh my god, this is so…so…I don’t know what it is. It’s—”

“Erotic,” the word came softly from his lips.

“Erotic,” Rhia breathed the word and the blade of the razor once again slid over her taught skin. She heard the light scraping sound and wanted to sigh. “I don’t understand what’s happening. All you’re doing is shaving me.”

“I’m doing more than that, sweetness.” He kissed her inner thigh. She couldn’t hold back the groan that indicated her overwhelming arousal. “I am tending to your needs. I’m touching your sex. When you look down at me you see me watching the most intimate part of you. Your body’s reacting to the combined memory of what we’ve shared together, my possession of this part of you. The way I’ve stroked you with my fingers, my tongue, and my cock and the pleasure you experience from those acts.”

Rhia felt like she might come just hearing his words. His deep, husky voice sounded so sensual and when he gazed up from between her thighs, his eyes, filled with heated lust, sparkled the deepest shade of blue sapphire. Her pussy clenched at the sight of him. Warm water on the soft washcloth eased away the residual lather that tainted her skin. He cupped her now-naked mound, stroked across her, his long fingers easing between her lips.  

Also available from Amazon and B&N.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

"The Romance Convention" coming Aug. 17-18!

Don't forget, you can meet up with me and quite a few of my fellow Siren authors at The Romance Convention in Dallas, Aug. 17-18.

I'm teaching a class on BDSM, and I'll be available during the author signing time as well, handing out all sorts of goodies!

The first five people that come up to me that weekend wearing one of the "I'm In Tymber's Trybe" buttons will get an extra special goodie bag from me, so get your order in!

Hope to see you there! :)

Monday, August 6, 2012

The heart is not a pie.

Just got back from a weekend at FetishCon in Tampa with Sir. What a fun time! Getting to catch up with friends, shopping, and generally a good time. Hubby opted out this year, because he had other things he wanted to do, but graciously sent me off to do my thing.

I still laugh when I get the questions from people about our situation. Yes, I have a Hubby and a Sir. The three of us are switches, and Hubby and I just celebrated our fifteenth wedding anniversary, so I'd say we're on solid ground. Sir's wife is a good friend of ours, and she doesn't enjoy playing in public, nor does she have the interest level in many of the things Sir, Hubby, and I enjoy doing. So she also gives Sir permission to go have fun doing His thing.

So yes, I live a real-life BDSM poly-V. The three of us are switches, so it makes things even more interesting depending who's in the mood to do what.

There's a general misconception that people in BDSM are all about the sex, and that's not necessarily the case. Yes, some people have their BDSM completely entwined with their sexuality. For some, the two things are completely separate. For some, it's a mix.

And there are people who are completely monogamous, monogamous but who do intimate BDSM play with others, some who are poly, some who are swingers, and some who are a mix of all of the above. (Some friends of mine have dubbed that mix as "swolly," meaning not-swingers, not-poly, not-monogamous.)

There is no neat one-size-fits-all set of labels you can apply to people. Sir and I are lucky enough we have spouses who are emotionally secure and open enough to understand that what the two of us do doesn't lessen our love for them, but instead increases it. The heart isn't a pie, with a limited amount of love for one person. Parents of more than one child can relate to that, I'm sure.

One of the benefits of my situation is that communication has increased greatly. It's a necessity to prevent misunderstandings or hurt feelings. Sometimes those communications are uncomfortable, but that gets easier as you go. There is trust, because of the communication that trust is only amplified. I have no reason and no desire to hold back, and neither does Sir. Our spouses have full veto power, and we have clearly drawn boundaries so that our secondary relationship with each other doesn't cause harm to our primary relationships with our spouses. But it also strengthens our secondary relationship with each other, if that makes sense. No, we don't always get as much time with each other as we'd like because life gets in the way. But because of our communication, and because of our strong relationships with our spouses, we're able to fully enjoy the time we do get together.

And both Hubby and Sir's wife ask what they want to know, when they want to know it. They don't always want or need blow-by-blow details of what's going on. But they also know if we say we're going or doing something (with or without each other) that if they ever did want to check up on us, they know that's exactly where we were and what we were doing, because they can trust us.

Speaking for myself, I know my marriage is stronger tody, and my love for my husband even greater than ever, because I know he trusts me. I appreciate the fact that he is such a secure person that he can let me do what I need to do for myself. Some of my relationship with Sir, Hubby knows he cannot duplicate, because Hubby isn't the sadist that Sir is. When I need a good, emotional, cathartic beating for stress relief, or to help with my fibromyalgia pain, Hubby isn't comfortable making me cry. Sir, on the other hand, enjoys it immensely.

Not to say sadism is the only aspect of our relationship, because it isn't. It's only one facet. My "default" mode with Sir is that of Daddy and pet. (Daddy not in an age-play sense, but as in that's just what I've come to call Him, and we both enjoy it. He's only a couple of years older than me. LOL) It's comfortable. And the irony is, in the early days when we started playing, when I was just topping Him and there wasn't a sexual element to our play, we jokingly called each other bro and sis because we are so much alike. Hubby dubbed us twins because of the similarities.

Had you asked me a few years ago if I'd be in this positon, I would have said hell, no. Life throws us curve balls, and I'm glad that I'm lucky enough to be married to a man who loves me enough to know what I need even more than I know it sometimes. And if there were ever a situation in the future where Hubby came to me and said he'd met someone he'd like to explore with, I would offer that same support to him as well.

That's not to say there's not twinges of jealousy here and there. We're all human. Most of those feelings come down to time constraints, and it's not so much true jealousy as it is wishing there were an extra twenty-four hours in the day to devote elsewhere. LOL

What we have isn't for everyone. But it works for us. And for that, I thank the Universe every day.

(Tymber's website is and her latest release, "Domme by Default," an auto-biographical story about a wife trying to come to grips with her husband's need for dominance, is now available for pre-order from Siren-BookStrand.)