No Means No.

I was in a BDSM forum the other day a sub asked a question that should have surprised me, sadly it didn't. Does a Dom need to ask a subs permission to play with them? The question rang true for me after a recent incident I experienced where a Dom assumed I would be his play partner because I'm now a single submissive. The conversation I was engaged in ended like this.

 

Him: "As a submissive you should do what I, as the Dom, tells you to do."

Me:   "You are not my Dom, therefore I don't have to do anything you tell me." 

 

The fact is there are idiots and morons in all lifestyles. It doesn't matter if you live and socialise in the vanilla world, the BDSM lifestyle, the gay community, wherever. It's courtesy to ask someones permission to do anything with them, whether it's going out on a date or getting involved in BDSM play. Simply because someone is submissive, or single doesn't give a Dom/me power over them or the right to assume they are free to play with. Wearing the title of Dom/me doesn't give a person the right to demand anything of a submissive they aren't in a relationship with or have a specific agreement with.

 

I worry about new people entering the BDSM lifestyle. As an experienced sub, I'm quite capable of telling a Dom to piss off and leave me alone if they overstep the boundaries of decency. And, if standing up for myself gives them the impression I'm not a submissive then so be it, it's not something that bothers me. However, someone entering the lifestyle may not have the strength or belief that they can or should be able to say no.

 

So, for those new to the BDSM community I just thought I'd give you a few tips.

• You can say No to a Dom/me.
• If you tell someone 'no I don't want to play with you' then they should respect that decision. They shouldn't keep pestering you in the hope or belief that they can change your mind.
• Saying no to a Dom/me doesn't mean you are not submissive, it just means you know your own mind and you know who you feel safe to play with.
• Other members of the community will usually help you if you are being harassed by someone. If you're at a party/club/munch then find the organisers or the dungeon master and ask for help. If it's online then block the person and let other people on the site and the site owners know that you've been harassed and who by.

As in any community, common courtesy, listening to and respecting boundaries laid down by individuals is part of the social requirements in the BDSM lifestyle. Also, as in any community, there are people who don't respect others and who will overstep the social boundary. Mercifully, as I've said before, most members of the kink community will assist someone if they are being hassled, which makes me feel safer as a single person in a BDSM social setting. What we all need to remember is that in any community, including the BDSM one...No always means No.

 

 

 

 

A Good Dom/Domme

I recently participated in the Hot in Handcuffs blog hop and the question I posed in my blog post was what sort of Dom/Domme do you like? Overwhelmingly the responses were one who is confident, strong, powerful, in control, kind, caring and sensitive. I think the Doms I write about in my books have those characteristics and they are certainly personality traits I like in a Dom but the responses started me thinking. Are the traits contradictory? If I want all those characteristics plus more in my Dom am I expecting too much? Do Doms with those traits only exist in novels?

Luckily, I'm continuing to be a BDSM social butterfly, getting out and about and meeting lots of new people. So, I decided to do a little observation at a party I went to on the weekend. You’ll be happy to know that Doms with those traits do exist in real life. I’m also sure you won’t be surprised when I say that there are also Doms who don’t have those traits. I had a discussion with the sub I travelled to the party with and we compared notes on Doms we’d been involved with over the years. The stories we shared could have ended in a list titled ‘the good, the bad, and the ugly’.

What the discussion reinforced for me was, when I’m ready to find a new Dom, I need to have a perfectly clear idea of exactly what I want. I’ve always had a vague idea but I think I need to be more specific on certain aspects. So yes, I want the characteristics stated above but what else do I need to look for? 

At the party a lovely Dom pointed out to there are other things, apart from personality traits, which I need to consider when considering a new Dom. Some of the things I knew, others I hadn’t thought of before. He pointed out a few lifestyle practices that, in his opinion, a good Dom would do when interacting with someone he viewed as a prospective sub. Here’s what he imparted.

 A good Dom will:

·         Always have a discussion about limits, what a sub likes/dislikes in the way of play and lifestyle practices.

·         Build trust with a sub by getting to know them over a period of time prior to asking them to engage in play.

·         Have absolutely no problem with a prospective sub asking for names of other subs as references so you can clarify what he is like as a Dom.

·         Be happy to answer any questions you ask, no matter what they are. His answers will be direct, not vauge or delayed as if he's trying to think up an answer because you've put him on the spot or trying to hide something.

·         Will start off slowly once they engage in play to continue to build trust and get to know the subs responses prior to proceeding to heavy play sessions.

·         Be communicative, not only explaining their own expectations but also ensuring yours are voiced and listened to as well.

His advice on what to do if a Dom doesn’t do these things was, take it as a warning sign and walk away as the person is probably a player who has no idea what their doing.

So what do you think, what else apart from personality traits would you look for in a Dom/Domme? What action/act would be something that would send up a warning flag for you?

So...How was the Party?

In response to a few questions following my last post, I'm doing a quick follow-up today on how the party I attended went.

The short answer is, it was great and I had a lot of fun.

Even though I was nervous because I hardly knew anyone, it was well worth the effort. As it turned out, a few people I knew from the Sydney scene travelled up for the evening, which meant I instantly felt more comfortable being there. So the party turned out to be not only a place for me to meet new friends from the local area but also the chance to catch up with some I hadn't seen for a while.

Not knowing how much flesh to show on the night, I chose to wear my not too revealing naughty school girl outfit. It was the perfect choice many reasons. I've recently lost weight and my corsets are now loose on me...bummer. Secondly, I can be a little bratty sometimes, especially in a social setting like this one and as I said, I didn't want to wear anything overly revealing among a group of people I wasn't familiar with.

The local group were very welcoming and interested in chatting, which was a huge plus. I made some great new connections and have a couple of other events planned for this month as a result of invites received on the night.

The party organisers had an excellent play area set up with all the standard equipment. St.Andrews cross, spanking bench, stocks, a medical table etc. Doms and subs freely engaged in different forms of impact play and one of the highlights of the night for me was watching a demonstration on fire cupping.

Even though I had decided not to engage in play activities at this party a Dom I've known for about five years now and who I've played with numerous times asked me to assist with an electroplay demonstration. His sub doesn't like the activity and he knows I do so, according to his Dom logic, that made me the 'perfect choice of victim' for him to use. I was happy to assist because I knew he was aware of my limits and we'd engaged in the activity before.

(I may do a post on fire cupping and electroplay at some stage, if readers are interested, so just let me know).

There's a lot to be said for socialising with like-minded people, particularly in a private setting. It's that whole like-speaks-to-like thing I guess. I didn't have to worry about who might overhear the conversation about kinky activities, whether that conversation would offend anyone or if the person I was talking to would be accepting of the lifestyle.

Everyone in attendance was on the same page and happy to just be themselves.

Getting involved with the BDSM Community

 Post by Jan Graham

Not many of you will know this but I recently moved house. In fact I not only moved house, I changed cities as well. I used to live in a rural township about an hour from Sydney in Australia. Now I live in the middle of the second biggest city in the state, three hours from Sydney. It's been a big change but after approximately nine weeks, I think I'm finally in the swing of city living again. As well as settling into city life I've also had to connect with members of the Kink community in a city where I know very few people. 

 

While I was deciding what to blog about today, something occurred to me.  Maybe some of you are interested in becoming more involved with your local BDSM community but just don't know where to start. Needless to say, I thought I'd share my journey so far.

 

The first step for me was to investigate what groups existed in my local area. In order to do that I went to Fetlife. For those of you who don't know what Fetlife is it's a social networking site for the BDSM and Kink community. There are other sites that you can join but I find they are more about hooking up or dating and that's not what I'm looking for. I've had a profile on Fetlife for many years and I use it to stay in touch with friends involved in the lifestyle. It's my kinky facebook. I began by searching different groups listed on the site for my local area, had a look at what they offered and joined a couple of groups that seemed to be active and who organised social events. I became friends with a few of the group participants, joined in on the forum discussions and checked out dates for the munches that were coming up. The next step was to move from the relative anonymity of cyberland into reality.

 

Step two was...attend a munch. A munch is a get together at a public venue, there is no BDSM play, no typical fetish clothing, it's just people in the lifestyle getting together to have a meal and get to know each other in a non threatening environment. As it turned out I knew someone who attended, which only proves the BDSM community can be a small world. The group members seemed really friendly and very protective of their subs and younger (both in age and experience level) members within the group, which is a great indication that I've met a good group of people. I would just like to add if I hadn't felt comfortable at the munch, if people had been offensive or inappropriate I would have left and started my search again, but in this case, the experience was a good one.

 

So, a few weeks later and where am I? I'm attending my first play party. The group has specific requirements for who attends parties and how soon someone can do that after joining the group. I've met the requirements so on Saturday night, I'm off to do more socialising and learn more. Just because it's a play party doesn't mean those attending have to play. I'm not intending to play for the simple reason that I don't know the members well enough yet and haven't built up enough trust with anyone in the group to engage in the activities I like. It's still going to be a fun night though, even without being flogged..lol.

 

I think it's important to note that throughout the process I've set rules for myself, and will continue to do so. As a single sub I need to look after myself and setting personal limits is a way to do that. As well as the no play rule I mentioned earlier, here are some other practices I use.

• Fetlife for me is a social medium and that's how I use it. If I get messages from people asking to hook up or wanting to talk dirty, I politely decline. They generally go away without any fuss.
• Before I committed to going to a munch, I spoke with the local group leaders online and found out the motivation for the group they moderated. I read the group profile and some of the member profiles just to get to see who everyone was and chose people to friend that I thought I'd have something in common with.
• For the munch and the party there specific requirements like dress codes, appropriate behaviors, limits on alcohol consumption etc. I'll make sure I'm fully aware of all these and stick to them. 
• I'll be giving a close friend, not attending the party, the details of where I am and the organisers phone number. I'll send check in texts throughout the evening (if I don't she'll sit at home and worry about me...lol).
• When I arrive at the party on Saturday, I'll make sure I identify and say hello to the Dungeon Master/s, in case I need assistance throughout the night.

Anyway, that's about it. So far so good as they say. I'm making inroads into getting to know people and having a kinky social life again. Now, the next thing to do is to decide what to wear...um, where did I put my platforms again?

 

Wish me luck.

     

Being a Sub Doesn’t Have To Be a Pain In The Butt

Post by Jan Graham

I often have discussions with friends and other people I meet about BDSM. It just seems to be a topic that comes up around me, especially now with some many people knowing about Fifty Shades. There are two statements that reoccur in many of the conversations. ‘I could never be a sub because I’m not into pain.’ and ‘I could never let a man hit me.’  

 Admittedly a lot of erotic romance does highlight painful pleasure and activities such as spanking. I include those in my novels as well, but the fact remains there are a lot of lifestyle practices that don’t include pain or impact play. For the sake of this post I’m sticking to D/s relationships as SM definitely falls into the pain category. In simple terms, Dominance and submission is about a consensual power exchange. How the exchange manifests is up to the individuals involved. Just like some subs don’t like painful activities, not all Doms like inflicting pain. Punishment doesn’t have to be corporal is D/s relationships and neither do sexual activities.

 

Acts that some people consider a little kinky are in fact based in D/s practices. Being bound, whether it is with a scarf or fluffy handcuffs and tied to a bed or having your body tied with rope in a shibari technique is an act of bondage.  It’s also an act of submission, giving control of your body and what happens next to a dominant partner. And what happens next doesn’t have to include, as some of my friends refer to it, being hit.

Sensation play with the use of feather ticklers, a pinwheel run lightly over sensitive areas of the body, the use of hot and cold substances like wax or ice cubes, being blindfolded and fed by your Dom all require trust and are forms of submission. If anything, these activities are far from painful and can be quite erotic. A Dom and sub engaging in orgasm control (i.e. a sub being denied orgasm, told when to orgasm or being made to orgasm repeatedly) is a popular practice in a lot of D/s relationships and can be achieved without inflicting pain.

 When it comes to discipline most people’s minds immediately go to spanking or other acts of corporal punishment. I like to explain the use of non corporal discipline in a D/s relationship as being similar to how a parent might punish a child without smacking them. The possibilities are endless. A Dom may command his sub to sit in the corner or on a punishment stool. Deny them something they particularly enjoy or require them to do something they don’t enjoy.

 

BDSM doesn’t have to be a pain in the butt and that’s something I like about Dominance and submission, the flexibility of it. There is something for almost everyone. It’s a lifestyle that’s as individual as all of us, whether you’re into pain or not.    

 

For those of you who’d like a titillating example of this form of D/s relationship some are included in my novel, Playing Jax. The books Dom, Steve takes great delight in resisting spanking Rhia, his prospective sub. Instead he engages in erotic acts of dominance to introduce her into the BDSM lifestyle before moving onto the more traditional spanking/impact activities. I hope you enjoy the excerpt below.

Excerpt from Playing Jax by Jan Graham.

 

Steve opened the wooden box and pulled out a razor, filling her with a sense of trepidation. She’d expected a disposable razor like she’d bought to use on her legs and underarms. The old- fashioned cutthroat razor looked like new. The steel caught the light as he unfolded it from the handle to reveal the blade.

“I inherited it from my grandfather.” Rhia gulped nervously, her eyes fixed on the shiny blade. “I will never do anything to endanger you, Rhia. Do you believe me when I say that?” He stroked her curls and tenderly ran his fingers along either side of her pussy lips.

Rhia’s heart pounded, a fragment of fear edging at her mind. She started into his eyes and glanced toward the blade and back again. “I believe you and I trust you. I was just expecting something plastic.”

He chuckled as he bent forward. He kissed her curls lovingly and whispered see you again soon against her mound. She closed her eyes as the razor moved between her legs. He trimmed away the excess hair, the blade never coming near her skin. She opened her eyes when warm water trickled over her sex as he moistened the remaining hair. The water soothed her skin, even as the heat of arousal began to build inside her. He applied the soapy lather to her skin using an old-fashioned shaving brush. Rhia moaned as his fingers moved gently over the area. The impersonal brush discarded, he massaged along the crest of her sex, fingers sliding along either side of her lips.

“You are so beautiful, baby, and so responsive, even to the gentlest of my touches. My cock is pounding in my jeans as I do this for you. It’s so damn hard.”

She watched him wipe his fingers clean of soap and once again pick up the razor. The skin pulled taught beneath his fingers and a shiver thrilled her spine as he removed the first of the hair. He shaved her effortlessly, like he’d done it a million times before.

She began to ache for him, moisture building between her lips. Her nipples peaked beneath her bra, and her breath became shallow as unfamiliar sensations flowed over her. She responded to everything he was doing, the water warming her skin, the creaminess of the soap against her flesh, the tickle of the brush, and then the coolness of the blade as it stroked over her.

“Oh my god, this is so…so…I don’t know what it is. It’s—”

“Erotic,” the word came softly from his lips.

“Erotic,” Rhia breathed the word and the blade of the razor once again slid over her taught skin. She heard the light scraping sound and wanted to sigh. “I don’t understand what’s happening. All you’re doing is shaving me.”

“I’m doing more than that, sweetness.” He kissed her inner thigh. She couldn’t hold back the groan that indicated her overwhelming arousal. “I am tending to your needs. I’m touching your sex. When you look down at me you see me watching the most intimate part of you. Your body’s reacting to the combined memory of what we’ve shared together, my possession of this part of you. The way I’ve stroked you with my fingers, my tongue, and my cock and the pleasure you experience from those acts.”

Rhia felt like she might come just hearing his words. His deep, husky voice sounded so sensual and when he gazed up from between her thighs, his eyes, filled with heated lust, sparkled the deepest shade of blue sapphire. Her pussy clenched at the sight of him. Warm water on the soft washcloth eased away the residual lather that tainted her skin. He cupped her now-naked mound, stroked across her, his long fingers easing between her lips.  

Purchase Playing Jax 

Also available from Amazon and B&N.

BDSM - Play that has an Impact

One of the things I usually include in my BDSM books is some sort of impact play and everytime I write one of the scene’s I wonder what readers will think when they read it. It’s more than just if they’ll like the scene or not, whether they find it sexy or titillating. I worry, particularly for those not familiar with the lifestyle, whether they’ll understand it. Will it raise questions for them about what’s being used, how it feels, why the submissive likes it? Of course, I try to include enough information to answer those questions but it doesn’t stop me from wondering. So as part of the Unleashed Blog Hop I decided to write about impact play. What it is, what’s used, how it feels when I experience it and anything else I can think of as I go along.

I’m not going to be discussing why people enjoy impact play, that’s an individual thing but I will include one of my heroine’s thoughts on the matter. This small excerpt is from Finding Angel. It’s Angel’s thoughts as she admires the marks left on her after receiving a caning from Daniel.

Angel didn’t really understand the whole pleasure-from-pain scenario. She had stopped trying to figure out why the sting from a cane or bite of a firm hand on her ass aroused her. All Angel knew was that it did, and she was happy to accept that fact as part of her sexual desire and need.

Just so everyone is on the same page, when I talk about Impact play I’m referring to the following; striking a person repeatedly as a source of erotic stimulation or punishment. Impact play is sometimes referred to as an edge activity particularly if the play is performed with the intent of leaving deep tissue bruising. It can involve activities such as flogging, spanking, paddling, and whipping. There are lots of different toys and objects that can be used for impact play so here’s a quick run down of some of the popular ones you might encounter in a BDSM novel.

The Cane: No, I’m not talking about grandpa’s walking stick that’s solid and thick with a rubber stopper on the end. BDSM canes are long, thin, smooth, flexible tools often made of bamboo. Canes make a lovely whooshing sound when whipped forcefully through the air, although personally, I wouldn’t want to be at the end of that impact. You may hear the impact described as a bite or sting. For me, they are both perfect descriptions of how they feel. The cane stings like a…well, you get the idea. For me the threat of being caned will illicit perfect behavior. It’s not my favorite activity when it comes to impact play.  Depending on the severity of the strike a cane can leave long thin red lines on flesh, welting (which is sometimes slow to rise) and in some instances it can break the skin. The cane is usually used on the ass only.

The Flogger: These come in many varieties and are sometimes also referred to as whips. They have a solid handle with multiple tails (strands) extending from the handle. They can be made of leather, rubber, rope or sometimes hair. There can be as few as a couple of tails up to as many as fifty and the tails varying in length, so you can get short, medium and long tail floggers. The impact is often described as a thud, which I agree is a pretty accurate description. For me it sometimes feels like a hard push against the body on initial impact and there is also often a slight stinging sensation as the tips of the tails flick against the skin. It reddens the skins, sometimes leaves light, bruise like marks. Floggers are usually used on the thighs, ass and genitals. I personally love the flogger. It may surprise some readers to know I find the flogger has a relaxing effect when used on my shoulder blades. It’s almost like a deep tissue massage for me…yes I’m a little odd.

The Paddle: These are flat objects made of wood, leather, or similar materials. Paddles look a bit like a table tennis bat, even though they are not always round in shape. The flat surface reddens the skin and can leave a bruise. For me the impact is like a hard, firm smack and as the skin reddens and heats it can feel a bit like hot, prickly sunburn. Paddling is usually done on the buttocks and/or inner-thighs.

The Crop: Yep, picture a horse riding crop and you know what it looks like. The shaft of the crop has cane-like qualities both with the sensation and effect on the skin. Sting…ouch…yes Sir, I promise to behave. Crops usually have a little loop of leather at the end which I must say is the only part I really like. Gentle quick slaps of that on your clit or nipples is sooo nice…but I digress. Like the cane it is mainly used on the ass. As well as used to administer punishment crops are also used in pony play activities.

The Single Tail Whip: Come on cowboy, crack that whip (preferably not on my ass because it can cut the skin. I choose not to engage in play with this kind of whip. These whips are usually between 3 and 6 feet in length, they are made from leather with a string-like material 'cracker' at the tip. I’ve been whipped once (and I mean one strike). It hurt, left a gash on my butt check and I used my safe word, jumped around holding my bottom and called the Dom lots of nasty names. 

There are lots of other impact toys like the Tawse, Straps, Slappers, belts, beaters and the list goes on if you include the household items that often get used. You can imagine the sorts of things, hairbrushes, wooden spoons etc.   

For me impact play is guaranteed to send me into subspace, particularly if it involves the flogger, but there are safety issues that need to be addressed when someone decides to engage in impact activities. For me, I only ever play with an experienced Dom who knows and respects my limits and who I have absolute trust in. After all I am literally putting my body into his hands. Things can go wrong and injuries can occur so be careful.

I’ve included a link below to a blog about safe impact play. Please click on it and read it. It’s written by an experienced Dom who’s been in the lifestyle for many years. I have his permission to direct readers to the blog and I encourage everyone to take a look and become aware of the risks involved and how to manage them. 

http://bdsmrelationships.blogspot.com.au/2010/06/safe-impact-play.html?zx=d7d37258cb413d2

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