Real-life poly menages: not all about the sexy.

"Oh, you're so lucky to have a Hubby and a Sir!"

*snort*

I hear that one a lot. No, I'm not kvetching, believe me, but I think people form an unrealistic view of a real-life poly relationship based on what they read. It's not a fraction as sexy as in the books. LOL

For starters, Sir and I are, first and foremost, devoted to our spouses and our marriages. Those always come first, including all the real-world ups and downs. And we're both very busy people. He has an incredibly demanding, high-stress job, and works a lot of hours. I'm a self-employed workaholic writer who works a lot of hours.

Starting to form a picture yet? LOL

I'd say it's safe to estimate that 90% of our relationship has nothing to do with sex. And that's a LOW estimate. It might be closer to 95%. We're friends first and foremost. And yes, we do love each other. If we didn't, we probably would have killed each other by now. LOL Over 75% of our relationship happens via text messages or email, because of our schedules. And the time we spend together, a lot of it is usually in a vanilla context (we shoot skeet once a week with friends, and He might stop by for dinner one night a week and we sit in front of the TV and just talk).

Still jealous? LOL

We have to juggle schedules, and how we feel (He is prone to migraines, I have fibro) and then, once or twice a month, we might be able to fit in some sexy/kinky time.

If we're lucky. LOL

Am I complaining? No, of course not. But if you write about that in a romance book, you won't sell many copies, will you? LOL

In the more than three years since Sir and I have been playing together, I can count on one hand with fingers left over how many times it's been a "menage" situation with Him and Hubby. And even then, that was more a scene with both of them topping me than it was "sexy time."

Again, I'm not complaining.

Here's the thing, we both have spouses who love us and trust us (key point) and know we have our priorities straight. They also understand we have interests that they don't have (kinky and vanilla). Instead of trying to force themselves to do what they don't like to do, they give us permission to go do them without them (again, kinky and vanilla both) and understand that when we come home, we come home happier, meaning our marriages are stronger in the long run for it. Meaning THEY (our spouses) are happier in the long run, because they are also free to pursue what they want without guilt of them holding us back, or resentment at forcing themselves to go along with us.

Make sense?

So yes, it's fun to write about all this wild and crazy smexy time with characters, but don't think everything I write is a reflection of what my sex life is like. LOL Because, believe me, in that regard, I'm pretty boring. :)

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Tymber Dalton has a new release out today: Triple Trouble 5 - Out of Smoke and Ashes

http://www.bookstrand.com/out-of-smoke-and-ashes

Blurb:

Get books 1 and 2 in the Placida Pod series for $2.75 each when you purchase Out of Smoke and Ashes! All items must be in the cart at the same time when completing the transaction to apply this special offer.

[Siren Ménage Everlasting: Erotic Paranormal Ménage a Quatre Romance, M/F/M/M, shape-shifters, sex in shifted form, consensual BDSM between secondary M/F characters, HEA]

Elain Pardie’s wedding is interrupted when her matron of honor, Lina, goes into labor. Unfortunately, events spiral downhill from there for the Lyalls and their kin when an old foe refuses to roll over and play dead. As everyone suspected, Rodolfo Abernathy won’t give up.

What Abernathy doesn’t know is he’s become more prey than predator. Shifters with grudges of their own enter the fight with their sights set on Abernathy’s downfall.

When the fur hits the fan, it won’t be pretty.

While Elain and Lina struggle to cope with their new roles, various shifter Clans band together to fight their common enemies. Devastating heartaches are finally laid to rest as new love blossoms.

And Baba Yaga isn’t even done with them yet. Elain, Ain, Brodey, and Cail, along with their ever-growing band of friends and adopted family, must still confront those who’d gladly destroy all they love as evil and vengeance once again return from Out of Smoke and Ashes.

Note: There is no sexual relationship or touching for titillation between or among siblings.

A Siren Erotic Romance

Tymber Dalton is a Siren-exclusive author.

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The correct order to read all of the Triple Trouble books and prequels is:

"Boiling Point" (Tasty Treats, Vol. 3)
Steam
Fire and Ice
Trouble Comes in Threes (Triple Trouble 1)
Storm Warning (Triple Trouble 2)
Three Dog Night (Triple Trouble 3)
Triple Dog Dare (Triple Trouble 4)
Out of Smoke and Ashes (Triple Trouble 5)


You can find all her Siren releases as Tymber Dalton, Lesli Richardson, Macy Largo, and Tessa Monroe on her Siren page at:

http://www.bookstrand.com/tymber-dalton

And you can find her on the web at:

http://tymberdalton.com
http://twitter.com/TymberDalton
http://facebook.com/tymberdalton
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TymberDalton_updates/
https://plus.google.com/118382222849341409443/

Jealousy in multiple partner relationships

I've got a new menage release today, and it got me to wondering: what are the chances of having a multiple-partnership relationship, whether it has a BDSM aspect or not, without jealousy getting in the way?

Men, it seems, have more of a tendency to be outwardly jealous. Women seem to keep it inside, but men tend to show more obvious signs of jealousy and possessiveness. So what happens when these signs show up in a multiple-partner relationship? And do you think people who engage in permanent menage relationships or BDSM relationships are better equipped to handle these jealousy issues?

Here's my thought: in any multiple-partner relationship, each person is aware they will be sharing or being shared. One would hope the people doing the sharing would talk beforehand, acknowledge that they won't always have 100% of the sharee's attention, and come to terms with it. Undoubtedly, though, that doesn't always happen.

Personally, there's no way I would enter into a multiple-partner relationship without talking about this issue. I can imagine it's one of the things that could tear apart the relationship forever, and it shouldn't be ignored.

What are your thoughts on jealousy in a multiple-partner relationship?

If you're interested in my new release, here's the blurb:

Luc, Carter, and Jake make up the Buffalo Intimidators' top scoring line and play together both on and off the ice, with a history of sharing women. Each of them is also a client of massage therapist Eva. When they decide they want to be more than just clients, they approach her about having a ménage a quatre.

Eva's been secretly lusting after the guys for months, but was afraid to say anything in an attempt to keep her relationship with the guys on a strictly professional level. Besides, how could she pick just one when such mouthwatering displays of masculinity are spread out on her massage table every day? She agrees to the ménage, but when serious health problems begin to plague members of the team, will she want more than a quick score with her hockey boys?

And the lovely cover:

Why Not a Ménage?

Okay, for those of you who don't know me, I write ménage. Not because group sex is popular or because I fantasise about being double tagged (not saying I don't, but that's beside the point <g>) but because I like giving my characters everything and anything they want. Then I find ways to make them miserable.

Can I write a story without a ménage? Absolutely. I have a couple in the works, but I find sticking with a simple relationship involving just two people more challenging than doing one with three or more. Why? Well, because I spend a lot of time developing my secondary characters. Making them likeable. And if they're likeable, why not include them in the action?

In the real world there are plenty of reasons to avoid open relationships, or even committed relationships with more than one partner. Most of us were raised to view monogamy as ideal. The concept of being the one and only is so romantic. But at the same time, I think many of us have been in a situation where we…well, you know, the whole having cake and wanting to eat it too thing. Don't you find that saying funny? What else are you supposed to do with cake? Put it on a shelf and let it get all stale?

So to me, the question isn't why should I make a story a ménage. The question is 'Why not?'. Is the hero possessive? Can the heroine deal with him being like that? Has she ever loved before? Has he? Can they satisfy each other's needs?

See, when I'm writing a ménage, the hero might be possessive, but he's more concerned with making sure his woman is completely satisfied—both in and out of bed—than with keeping her all to himself. In Rosemary Entwined, this concept was easy because Rosemary actually needs all the men to survive. In Deadly Captive, the ménage they participate in willingly is a bit more complicated—but I won't spoil it for you. The point is, both these stories are fantasy, so blurring the lines of what's acceptable is pretty easy.

But what about in a contemporary story? Still fiction, but these people are stuck in the real world. What reasons could they possibly have to get involved in a polyamourus relationship? What's wrong with them?

To my mind, absolutely nothing. This might not be a popular opinion, but I think some people aren't wired to be monogamous. Actually, many would say most men aren't. Other's would point out women's hormones drive them to 'mate' with the strongest and settle down with gentle, caring providers. That doesn't sound monogamous to me.

All that aside, sex obviously isn't all about having babies. Whips and chains don't increase fertility. Getting in bed with another woman won't make me a better mother. But if that's what gets me off, it's all good, right?

Now, what if I couldn't enjoy sex unless I had more than one partner? Would that be any different? 

Obviously, some people will argue it is, but me, I figure as long as it's legal…no, scratch that. Sex in public isn't legal. Polygamy isn't legal. Having sex with someone you're not married to is even worse! It's a sin!

All right, how's this. So long as the partners are consenting adults—we're not getting into non-con here, I'll do that in another post ;) –and aren't hurting anyone (any more than they want to be hurt), it's all good.

But still, all that doesn't answer my original question. Why not a ménage? Lack of options? Social norm? If you're writing erotic romance, and there's an attraction between more than a pair of characters, why deny them?

Well, I guess it depends on the author. And on the characters. If you're aiming for a Happily Ever After, then by the end of the story, the hero and heroine should both be feeling—in the words of Jerry Maguire— 'You complete me.'

If not, well, maybe there's someone missing.

For all you lovely readers, if you want more of me, just go here: http://im-no-angel.com/