Please stop by and check it out:
http://www.tararoseromanceauthor.com/
Showing posts with label BDSM roles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BDSM roles. Show all posts
Friday, June 21, 2013
Switches: Yes, we really exist. (And no, we're not confused.)
Please stop by and check it out:
http://www.tararoseromanceauthor.com/
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Is there an age requirement to be a good Dom?
Recently I've been reading a lot about the age of Doms and how many people would never consider someone under the age of, for instance, thirty years old to be a "real Dom". Most of the reasons given for this opinion have to do with maturity and experience. I agree, to a certain extent. I've seen men on sites like FetLike who are 18, 20 etc and calling themselves Doms. At that young, it doesn't seem to me that a man can be everything a Dom should be. I believe Doms do need to have a certain amount of life experience before they can be a good Dom. But what's the "magic number"? Is there one?
In the book I'm writing currently, my Dom is twenty-seven. He's one of the youngest Doms I've ever written. I think Conner from Impact was between twenty-five and twenty-eight, but Jack from Caught and Ryan from Master Class were both in their thirties. Will has a few insecurities/hang-ups/whatever you want to call them because he isn't quite as emotionally mature as my older Doms. I'm not a big fan of writing the uber-Dom anyway, so my Doms tend to have doubts, but in Will's case some of his even stem from the idea that he's not sure he NEEDS BDSM in his life. Can he be happy without it if his lover isn't into it?
How much experience does a man need before he can fully grasp the crucial aspects of BDSM - particularly the psychological aspects? (By the way, I use man as a catch-all - the same points go for women as Dommes.) Can someone who's only a few years out of college really understand and be able to translate into practice all the nuances of BDSM?
I'm not saying they can't - just posing the question. So what do you think?
I released Unexpected Top on January 18th, and it's got a bit of a different slant to BDSM. The heroine initiates a female-led relationship (similar to Taken in Hand) to try to save her marriage. For more information on that or any of my other books, check out my website at http://www.booksbycassandracarr.com.
-- Cassandra
In the book I'm writing currently, my Dom is twenty-seven. He's one of the youngest Doms I've ever written. I think Conner from Impact was between twenty-five and twenty-eight, but Jack from Caught and Ryan from Master Class were both in their thirties. Will has a few insecurities/hang-ups/whatever you want to call them because he isn't quite as emotionally mature as my older Doms. I'm not a big fan of writing the uber-Dom anyway, so my Doms tend to have doubts, but in Will's case some of his even stem from the idea that he's not sure he NEEDS BDSM in his life. Can he be happy without it if his lover isn't into it?How much experience does a man need before he can fully grasp the crucial aspects of BDSM - particularly the psychological aspects? (By the way, I use man as a catch-all - the same points go for women as Dommes.) Can someone who's only a few years out of college really understand and be able to translate into practice all the nuances of BDSM?
I'm not saying they can't - just posing the question. So what do you think?
I released Unexpected Top on January 18th, and it's got a bit of a different slant to BDSM. The heroine initiates a female-led relationship (similar to Taken in Hand) to try to save her marriage. For more information on that or any of my other books, check out my website at http://www.booksbycassandracarr.com.
-- Cassandra
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Inside the mind of a submissive man
When I asked for topics you guys wanted to see on this blog, one that came up was how a submissive man thinks/feels, etc. I thought that would be fascinating, and a friend offered to ask two of her friends who are submissive (at times -one is actually a switch) a bunch of questions. Here are the questions and the guys' answers. I want to thank both of them for their incredible candor and insight.
ANSWER: Not many. Submission is a mindset, not something that I've seen be defined more by gender. Generally, I'd say the type of play the submissive can endure, but that's not true either, because I've seen some female bottoms take beatings that some male bottoms would safe word out of right damn quick.
ANSWER: Not really, aside from societal prejudices, i.e. the way they might be treated. I know some female submissives that prefer this dynamic in any and every relationship they have, whereas all males I know who identify with the S side want it only with particular women, and are fine with being switchy or dominant in other contexts. This is just my experience so far, tho.
ANSWER: Knowing that, when I'm in a submissive space, someone is taking care of me, and I am making her happy because of that. Whatever that entails.
ANSWER: The sex. More specifically, the power of the play and the sex, especially when in the context of a 24/7 dynamic (and no one, male or female / dominant or submissive, can be one thing All the time) I could also say the joy of being with and serving a wonderful woman I love and admire, but I would feel that way even without the D/S. I like doing things for the ones I love, and that's not always a "submissive" thing, rather a Love and "I'm good at this particular thing" thang.
ANSWER: Not really, mainly because I try to avoid people who make instant judgments about a person based on their role in the lifestyle. It would be like hanging around someone who thought all Doms are arrogant assholes, or someone who thought all switches were slutty tourists. As for outside the scene, I am very private with my lifestyle. Almost no one outside the scene knows what I do or how I do it, in that regard. If someone were to find out, I think they would be more focused on WHAT I was doing (BDSM) rather than HOW I was doing it.
ANSWER: I never do, probably because I carry myself well, I'm physically big and seem imposing to some, and I'm very comfortable in myself. It just never seems to be a problem. Plus most people know and respect my Mistress as well, so it has always worked out smoothly social-ness wise. And plenty of others I know outside of the lifestyle have found out, and they have all expressed surprise that I would be submissive in this. I apparently come across quite the opposite. And that's no surprise per answer #1.
Truly, truly interesting stuff, don't you think? Again, I want to thank both of these men for taking the time to give detailed, insightful answers to my inquiries. I'd love to hear what you think of their answers and any experiences you've had, either as a male submissive, or dealing with a male submissive.
1. It seems like many people envision women being submissive and men being dominant. You're a male submissive. What do you think sets you apart from men who are dominant?
ANSWER: As a switch who bottoms/subs to women, I think what sets me apart from a male dominant is a willingness to accept that I don't have to be in control all the time. The times I can take control and work my will on someone are great, but that doesn't have to be all the time for me. I can give the drivers seat over and feel fine about it, in certain instances.
ANSWER: First off, I do not consider myself a "male submissive". Beyond my parents (and we have all submitted to 'them" at one time or another) I have never submitted to anyone but my one and only Mistress. I have long lived as the god of my own universe, captain of the ship of me, and as such have never sought out anyone to take over those duties and responsibilities. Yet, since the age of 8 or so, I've had sexually charged fantasies about being overwhelmed by bossy, arrogant, dominant women.
I kept that side of myself hid for so many years, and finally had to experience it so I could keep growing as a person. I met the woman who became my Mistress my first night at a club, and we soon fell in love, and decided to form a life together. She is the only one I ever submit to, so that is an exception in my life, and remains so. I should add that my sub-ness is entirely connected to sex, and sexual energy for me. So I am very much a role player who ended up in a 24/7 D/S relationship cuz of love.
Recently I have discovered I am a switch. A girl I know and am close to inspires this side of me, and for the first time I have been truly experimenting with being dominant, and am enjoying its reality in myself. Does this mean I am now a Dominant male? No, the fact that I do it with one person does not warrant such a broad all-encompassing term, the same way submitting to one person does not warrant calling myself "submissive". I can go to these places when the chemistry is right with the right people.
As for a difference between myself and dominant males - my experience so far has shown me that many who identify as dominant often live with the frustration of feeling relatively impotent in other areas, disrespected, weak, having to eat other people's shit, etc. They turn to others who desire to be, or identify as submissive to help work thru these issues, and to feel a kind of power over another human being they rarely if ever can get anywhere else. So the distinguishing quality is not being dominant per se, but the NEED to feel, and be, dominant.
Many who identify as submissive, on the other hand (and this characterizes how I see myself, too) feel very much in control of their daily lives, exercise direction, responsibility, even authority, and therefore want to feel the voluptuous pleasure of laying that down, giving it to another (power exchange) and feeling it turned upon them.
A supreme form of general confidence allows me to overcome any fear that might stand in the way of me doing this - giving power to another person. In this case, my Mistress. In a nutshell, submissives to me often seem more relaxed and confident in a general sense than many dominants, who are often concerned with questions of power and perception and having to live up to an ideal.
ANSWER: As a switch who bottoms/subs to women, I think what sets me apart from a male dominant is a willingness to accept that I don't have to be in control all the time. The times I can take control and work my will on someone are great, but that doesn't have to be all the time for me. I can give the drivers seat over and feel fine about it, in certain instances.
ANSWER: First off, I do not consider myself a "male submissive". Beyond my parents (and we have all submitted to 'them" at one time or another) I have never submitted to anyone but my one and only Mistress. I have long lived as the god of my own universe, captain of the ship of me, and as such have never sought out anyone to take over those duties and responsibilities. Yet, since the age of 8 or so, I've had sexually charged fantasies about being overwhelmed by bossy, arrogant, dominant women.
I kept that side of myself hid for so many years, and finally had to experience it so I could keep growing as a person. I met the woman who became my Mistress my first night at a club, and we soon fell in love, and decided to form a life together. She is the only one I ever submit to, so that is an exception in my life, and remains so. I should add that my sub-ness is entirely connected to sex, and sexual energy for me. So I am very much a role player who ended up in a 24/7 D/S relationship cuz of love.
Recently I have discovered I am a switch. A girl I know and am close to inspires this side of me, and for the first time I have been truly experimenting with being dominant, and am enjoying its reality in myself. Does this mean I am now a Dominant male? No, the fact that I do it with one person does not warrant such a broad all-encompassing term, the same way submitting to one person does not warrant calling myself "submissive". I can go to these places when the chemistry is right with the right people.
As for a difference between myself and dominant males - my experience so far has shown me that many who identify as dominant often live with the frustration of feeling relatively impotent in other areas, disrespected, weak, having to eat other people's shit, etc. They turn to others who desire to be, or identify as submissive to help work thru these issues, and to feel a kind of power over another human being they rarely if ever can get anywhere else. So the distinguishing quality is not being dominant per se, but the NEED to feel, and be, dominant.
Many who identify as submissive, on the other hand (and this characterizes how I see myself, too) feel very much in control of their daily lives, exercise direction, responsibility, even authority, and therefore want to feel the voluptuous pleasure of laying that down, giving it to another (power exchange) and feeling it turned upon them.
A supreme form of general confidence allows me to overcome any fear that might stand in the way of me doing this - giving power to another person. In this case, my Mistress. In a nutshell, submissives to me often seem more relaxed and confident in a general sense than many dominants, who are often concerned with questions of power and perception and having to live up to an ideal.
2. Are there differences you can see between male and female submissives?
ANSWER: Not really, aside from societal prejudices, i.e. the way they might be treated. I know some female submissives that prefer this dynamic in any and every relationship they have, whereas all males I know who identify with the S side want it only with particular women, and are fine with being switchy or dominant in other contexts. This is just my experience so far, tho.
3. What is your favorite part of being a male submissive?
ANSWER: The sex. More specifically, the power of the play and the sex, especially when in the context of a 24/7 dynamic (and no one, male or female / dominant or submissive, can be one thing All the time) I could also say the joy of being with and serving a wonderful woman I love and admire, but I would feel that way even without the D/S. I like doing things for the ones I love, and that's not always a "submissive" thing, rather a Love and "I'm good at this particular thing" thang.
4. Do you ever encounter any negativity from people in the lifestyle because you're submissive? What about if someone who's not in the lifestyle finds out?
ANSWER: I never do, probably because I carry myself well, I'm physically big and seem imposing to some, and I'm very comfortable in myself. It just never seems to be a problem. Plus most people know and respect my Mistress as well, so it has always worked out smoothly social-ness wise. And plenty of others I know outside of the lifestyle have found out, and they have all expressed surprise that I would be submissive in this. I apparently come across quite the opposite. And that's no surprise per answer #1.
5. What kind of dominant woman turns you on the most? What turns you off?
ANSWER: Confidence, and the knowledge they can handle me when I bottom. I get very...primal when I bottom hard, and I don't bottom unless I'm going to go hard. Those are the main turn-ons for me. Turn-off...arrogance. Someone who thinks their shit doesn't stink is going to put me off right away.
ANSWER: My favorite kind of dominant woman is usually large breasted, even full figured, and can even have all the symbols of "bad girl-ness", i.e. tats and piercings, smokes, biker chick, possibly dangerous, hint of ex-con, proud to be physically hot white trash yet also cunning and ruthless. Let's go beyond the cosmetics and fantasy. My favorite kind of dominant woman is in control of her evil. How? She also has a big heart and a brain.
She is also comfortable in her own skin and sexuality, and has found her sadism and dominance as a natural energy within her. The kind I don't like? Those that (like bad male dominants, too!) posture too much, all bombast and ego to cover up the fact that they haven't actually found it within themselves yet, and are trying too hard to SEEM dominant and commanding. With them I only see the inexperience, inauthenticity, the act. Give em time maybe they will find it later. Maybe not.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Which switch is which?
I see questions all the time from writers who aren't in the lifestyle asking if a dominant (or submissive) would do X, Y, or Z in a given circumstance. "Is that something a Dominant would do?"
Well, considering there are no BDSM police out there keeing a Dom from doing the dishes, uh, yeah, they'd do it.
Here's the thing, people are people first in BDSM. (And for those of you who don't know it, I am in the BDSM lifestyle.)
It's fine for some "won twue wayers" to insist someone isn't a "real" Dom or sub or slave or whatever because they do/don't do ____.
I call bullshit.
This is real life. And frankly, in a D/s or M/s dynamic, if the Top wants to do something and it's not out of bounds based on the bottom's hard limits, they can do it. If they want to give their sub a massage or cook dinner or whatever, hey, knock yourselves out.
Anyone who is such an ass in their BDSM dynamic that they can't remember they are people first and not perfect little BDSM robots isn't someone I'd want to have in my circle of friends, quite honestly.
For example, I'm a switch. That means sometimes I like to top, sometimes I like to bottom. I started out as Hubby's top and owner. Over time, with my health issues, it's easier to step back and let him feel his toppy oats, and on occasion I'll bottom to him. In my default role with Sir, I'm His collared slave and submissive. (I am co-collared to Hubby and Sir.) Sir and pet. That, we've found over time and LOTS (and lots) of trial and error works best for us, especially mentally for me. When I'm in the mood (or have the energy for it) to be toppy, I tell Him. If He's in the mood to bottom, or even to be submissive (He's a masochist as well as a sadist), then great, we switch.
I'm sure that statement made someone's head somewhere explode with indignation. "You can't be a twue slave if you top! And he can't be a twue Dominant if he bottoms!"
Asshats.
The only person that has the right to define what someone should or shouldn't be in their dynamic is someone actually IN the dynamic.
Period.
We take great delight in keeping our friends guessing who is in which role at any given time. They've made a game out of it of trying to figure out who's in the driver's seat when we show up at an event. It's not always easy. Sir is a gear kind of guy, and He might be in full-on Dominant mode and yet be wearing a collar as well.
Why?
Because He WANTS to, that's why. That's my point. Likewise, when I'm in full-on Dominant mode, I'm always wearing my collar. Why? Because I WANT to.
See, don't ever forget that people in this lifestyle are in it voluntarily. Slavery is illegal in this and most other countries. So people in the lifestyle (as long as they aren't being abused) are in it because they want to be in it. They pick and choose their roles because they want them. Sir would not top me if I didn't want Him to. Not because I wouldn't let Him, but because HE has no interest in forcing me to do something.
Eh, well, unless of course we're playing at something and I've told Him I want Him to force me to do something as part of the play.
But that's getting into a whole 'nother conversation.
In other words, don't get caught up in rigid role boxes. Just like there are fluid gender roles, there are fluid D/s and M/s roles, even between people who aren't switches. When you add in the switch factor, you add even more to the mix.
And frankly, it's a lot more fun that way.
* * *
Aaannd on to other news...
*Snoopy dancing* It's release day for "Out of Bight, Out of Mind," the fourth (but not the last) installment in my Deep Space Mission Corps series from Siren-BookStrand. When I wrote the first book in the series back in 2009, I actually had to compose the manuscript on a teeny tiny little netbook, using a USB mouse and keyboard attached to it, because the screen on my main laptop died and had to get fixed. LOL
Now that's perseverance. LOL
http://www.bookstrand.com/out-of-bight-out-of-mind
Blurb:
[Siren Ménage Everlasting: Erotic Futuristic Sci-Fi Ménage a Quatre Romance, M/M/M/F, HEA]
Emi Hypatia loves her job exploring the galaxy with her three husbands, Aaron Lucio, Caph Bates, and Ford Caliban. When a nonhuman crewman is temporarily assigned to the Tamora Bight for a mission, Emi hates and mistrusts him at first sight due to what her empath training tells her.
Aaron, Caph, and Ford know Emi can't help what she feels about their temporary crewmate, Kayehalau. But they don't know if it's just the jump engines wigging her out, residual nerves from her fight on Kal'moran, or something else. They feel badly Kayehalau's presence on board makes her nervous, but orders are orders.
Emi knows Kayehalau is up to no good. She just has to prove it. It's soon apparent he wants to use her for a nefarious purpose. She turns the tables, but only after she's out of harm's way does her larger problem become apparent. Can Aaron, Caph, and Ford rescue her when she's left Out of Bight, Out of Mind?
A Siren Erotic Romance
Tymber Dalton is a Siren-exclusive author.
--
The correct reading order is:
1) Love at First Bight
2) Bightmares
3) Spider Bight
4) Out of Bight, Out of Mind
You can find all my Siren releases as Tymber Dalton, Lesli Richardson, Macy Largo, and Tessa Monroe on my Siren page at:
http://www.bookstrand.com/tymber-dalton
And you can find me on the web at:
http://tymberdalton.com
http://twitter.com/TymberDalton
http://facebook.com/tymberdalton
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TymberDalton_updates/
https://plus.google.com/118382222849341409443/
Well, considering there are no BDSM police out there keeing a Dom from doing the dishes, uh, yeah, they'd do it.
Here's the thing, people are people first in BDSM. (And for those of you who don't know it, I am in the BDSM lifestyle.)
It's fine for some "won twue wayers" to insist someone isn't a "real" Dom or sub or slave or whatever because they do/don't do ____.
I call bullshit.
This is real life. And frankly, in a D/s or M/s dynamic, if the Top wants to do something and it's not out of bounds based on the bottom's hard limits, they can do it. If they want to give their sub a massage or cook dinner or whatever, hey, knock yourselves out.
Anyone who is such an ass in their BDSM dynamic that they can't remember they are people first and not perfect little BDSM robots isn't someone I'd want to have in my circle of friends, quite honestly.
For example, I'm a switch. That means sometimes I like to top, sometimes I like to bottom. I started out as Hubby's top and owner. Over time, with my health issues, it's easier to step back and let him feel his toppy oats, and on occasion I'll bottom to him. In my default role with Sir, I'm His collared slave and submissive. (I am co-collared to Hubby and Sir.) Sir and pet. That, we've found over time and LOTS (and lots) of trial and error works best for us, especially mentally for me. When I'm in the mood (or have the energy for it) to be toppy, I tell Him. If He's in the mood to bottom, or even to be submissive (He's a masochist as well as a sadist), then great, we switch.
I'm sure that statement made someone's head somewhere explode with indignation. "You can't be a twue slave if you top! And he can't be a twue Dominant if he bottoms!"
Asshats.
The only person that has the right to define what someone should or shouldn't be in their dynamic is someone actually IN the dynamic.
Period.
We take great delight in keeping our friends guessing who is in which role at any given time. They've made a game out of it of trying to figure out who's in the driver's seat when we show up at an event. It's not always easy. Sir is a gear kind of guy, and He might be in full-on Dominant mode and yet be wearing a collar as well.
Why?
Because He WANTS to, that's why. That's my point. Likewise, when I'm in full-on Dominant mode, I'm always wearing my collar. Why? Because I WANT to.
See, don't ever forget that people in this lifestyle are in it voluntarily. Slavery is illegal in this and most other countries. So people in the lifestyle (as long as they aren't being abused) are in it because they want to be in it. They pick and choose their roles because they want them. Sir would not top me if I didn't want Him to. Not because I wouldn't let Him, but because HE has no interest in forcing me to do something.
Eh, well, unless of course we're playing at something and I've told Him I want Him to force me to do something as part of the play.
But that's getting into a whole 'nother conversation.
In other words, don't get caught up in rigid role boxes. Just like there are fluid gender roles, there are fluid D/s and M/s roles, even between people who aren't switches. When you add in the switch factor, you add even more to the mix.
And frankly, it's a lot more fun that way.
* * *
Aaannd on to other news...
Now that's perseverance. LOL
http://www.bookstrand.com/out-of-bight-out-of-mind
Blurb:
[Siren Ménage Everlasting: Erotic Futuristic Sci-Fi Ménage a Quatre Romance, M/M/M/F, HEA]
Emi Hypatia loves her job exploring the galaxy with her three husbands, Aaron Lucio, Caph Bates, and Ford Caliban. When a nonhuman crewman is temporarily assigned to the Tamora Bight for a mission, Emi hates and mistrusts him at first sight due to what her empath training tells her.
Aaron, Caph, and Ford know Emi can't help what she feels about their temporary crewmate, Kayehalau. But they don't know if it's just the jump engines wigging her out, residual nerves from her fight on Kal'moran, or something else. They feel badly Kayehalau's presence on board makes her nervous, but orders are orders.
Emi knows Kayehalau is up to no good. She just has to prove it. It's soon apparent he wants to use her for a nefarious purpose. She turns the tables, but only after she's out of harm's way does her larger problem become apparent. Can Aaron, Caph, and Ford rescue her when she's left Out of Bight, Out of Mind?
A Siren Erotic Romance
Tymber Dalton is a Siren-exclusive author.
--
The correct reading order is:
1) Love at First Bight
2) Bightmares
3) Spider Bight
4) Out of Bight, Out of Mind
You can find all my Siren releases as Tymber Dalton, Lesli Richardson, Macy Largo, and Tessa Monroe on my Siren page at:
http://www.bookstrand.com/tymber-dalton
And you can find me on the web at:
http://tymberdalton.com
http://twitter.com/TymberDalton
http://facebook.com/tymberdalton
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TymberDalton_updates/
https://plus.google.com/118382222849341409443/
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)