What's a kink?

If you're a regular reader of this blog, you probably think you know what a kink is. But do you really? How about a fetish, for that matter? Is there a difference?

According to the website BDSM Cafe (http://bdsmcafe.com/resource/glossary/gloss-x.html) there is a difference. But what is it?

From the KinkForAll website:

The words "kink" or "kinky" are ambiguous, lending themselves to an inclusive and open environment. They also specifically refer to non-mainstream, unconventional or unusual sexuality. Since some people reflexively associate "kink" with specific ideas (but not necessarily the same ideas), here are various definitions of the word from several sources: 

• The Princeton online dictionary defines "kink" as "unusual sexual tastes."

• The Random House Dictionary on Dictionary.com defines "kink" as "unconventional sexual preferences or behavior[…]." 

• Wikipedia defines "kink" as "a term used to refer to a playful usage of sexual concepts[…]."

• Some of the many definitions of "kink" on UrbanDictionary.com:

• "sexual priority known as being very subjective, and suceptible to be misunderstood or stereotyped by others" [sic.]

• "Doing in bed what others only think about." 

• "wierd/cool, usually in respect to sex"

• "something which is abnormal but good in a sexual way" 

So where does that leave us? With a lot of questions, that's where! Let's see if we can answer some:

1. Am I kinky?

Probably, yes. Perhaps not to the extent of practitioners of the BDSM lifestyle, but if you enjoy being blindfolded in bed, having your hair pulled, or getting an occasional smack on the ass during sex, you're at least a little bit kinky.

2. Should I tell potential bed partners I'm kinky?

Entirely up to you. I'd say if your level of kink leans more toward the stuff in the first answer, probably not necessary. But if you plan to show up for sex in a Chewbacca costume, yeah, that's something your potential lover might want to be aware of.

3. How do I get someone to become kinky?

Oh, boy. The million dollar question. Personally, I don't think you can force someone to be kinky or do kinky things. It seems like that would create tension in a relationship. Some people just aren't cut out for it, no matter how mild you think what you're asking them to do is. On the other hand, if you start small and work your way up, paying attention to their reactions to things you ask for or do to them, I believe there are people who will open their minds to more adventuresome activities.

4. Is what I like kink or a fetish?

According to BDSM cafe, a fetish is a fixation, usually sexual, on an activity or object. I think the important word here is fixation. Kinksters like to do some things vanilla people don't, but people with fetishes can become obsessed by them.


Are things less ambiguous now? Did you learn anything? ;-)

Take a look at the five-star review my latest BDSM book, Unexpected Top, just got from Long and Short Reivews: http://www.longandshortreviews.com/book-reviews/unexpected-top-by-cassandra-carr/

For more about me or my books, visit my website at http://www.booksbycassandracarr.com.

Yes, my books are educational. What of it?

Recently and in the past reviewers have remarked about how some of my BDSM books seem sort of educational. It's not that the scenes aren't hot, but they feel like I over-explain things a little. And you know what? That's just fine with me.

Why?

Because there's a lot to BDSM, including a whole lot of safety issues. And I would feel terrible if someone read one of my books and then hurt themselves because I put something unsafe in it or didn't talk about the things you should do to make sure you're playing safely.

As a "for instance", I have a wax play scene in my recent release, Master Class. As the Dom and sub are talking about the scene beforehand, the sub mentions there are special candles (the Dom is new and the sub is experienced) that you use for wax play. I did that because I read a BDSM book within the past year (meaning it's not an old release) where the Dom used regular household candles. Ow.

I know a lot of authors don't think it's their responsibility to educate about BDSM in their books, and that's okay, but I don't agree. I would rather have readers and reviewers alike mention the detail I go into about safety and education than the alternative.

What do you think the responsibility for both readers and authors alike is when it comes to BDSM? I'm totally open to hearing differing opinions. That's what makes the world go 'round. Tell me your thoughts in the comments section.

Oh, and before I let you go, I have two BDSM releases- Master Class and Unexpected Top. Here are the blurbs for both. More info is on my website at http://www.booksbycassandracarr.com.

Master Class:

Ryan Tomasi feels like a failure. His marriage is officially over; the ink dried on the divorce decree. His friend Jack introduces him to BDSM and he agrees to attend a Halloween party at a club. A submissive approaches him, offering herself, and how can he refuse the kneeling beauty? They do a whirlwind scene and Ryan is addicted—both to dominance and to her.

Lisette Rinaldo is returning to the BDSM club for the first time since ending a bad relationship with her former master. She spots Ryan and is taken by the combination of self-assurance and nervousness the man displays as he takes in his surroundings. And after he gives her an incredible re-introduction to the lifestyle, she knows she needs to see the man again.

Ryan and Lisette explore each other and the lifestyle, but what started out as playtime quickly evolves into something more. The problem? Ryan isn’t ready to get serious again and Lisette doesn’t want to fall in love with a guy who can’t give all of himself to her. Both of them are going to have to break out of the bonds holding them back from happiness.

Unexpected Top:
Sometimes a wife has to go to extreme measures to save her marriage. When Cissy Holden doesn't feel appreciated, she takes matters into her own hands--literally--and introduces her wayward husband Len to the concept of a Female-Led Relationship (FLR). Will Len be on board with FLR, or has Cissy just made the biggest mistake of her life?

-- Cassandra

Some basics for those of you who are new around here...

In the past we've done some "BDSM for Beginners" posts, but I don't remember seeing one in a while, so I thought I'd do one for those of you who haven't been with us as long. First, for a HUGE list of terms related to BDSM, this is a great site: http://bdsmcafe.com/resource/glossary/gloss-x.html.

Now, for furniture -- if you're going to go that far -- The Stockroom is a good place to start. Besides furniture, they have tons of other stuff too, but I found their explanations of the different apparatuses to be straightforward and easy to understand: http://www.stockroom.com

Implements. If you're going to do BDSM, you'll need some type of implements. Whether you're doing impact play, sensation play or something else, don't go buying any old thing. Buy quality. How do you know the products are quality? When they come from places like: http://www.cane-iac.com or http://www.thelondontanners.com (for those kinksters in the UK or people who don't mind paying higher shipping costs for quality goods.

And clothing...sure, you can wear whatever you want. It's not like the BDSM police are going to come and take away your kinkster card if you play in sweats and a tank top. But sometimes it's fun to get dressed up, especially if you like things like role playing. Since there are TONS of places to buy clothing you can use in BDSM play, I'm not going to list any here. But I will say this. Make sure it fits, it's not cutting circulation, and that you're not allergic to it. You laugh, but there's a lot of latex out there in the kink world.

A word about bondage, which is one common place start to explore kink. Sure, you can buy a pair of fuzzy handcuffs at your local sex shop and go for it, but you're going to tie up your submissive, you should definitely check out Two Knotty Boys at http://www.beknotty.com/wiki/index.php?title=FAQ_about_Rope_By_Dan_of_the_Two_Knotty_Boys. They'll tell you what you need to know about bondage so you don't hurt anybody.

Reading. It's not a bad idea to read some books before you really get into this lifestyle. A few good ones are SM 101 by Jay Wiseman and The Loving Dominant by John and Libby Warren. Both can be found on Amazon. etc.

Lastly, join FetLife - but be careful. http://www.fetlife.com

--Cassandra

The Violet Wand - it's nothing to be afraid of! Really!

The lovely Francesca Hawley brought her violet wand to the Ellora's Cave Romanticon convention last month, and when we weren't drooling talking politely to Cavemen, we gave it a try on Sunday night. In the middle of the bar. Now, before you go getting the wrong idea, we kept things aboveboard, and away from...sensitive areas.

If you're not familiar with a violet wand, here's a description of the Apprentice Kit from one the sites I use to research BDSM equipment, The Stockroom:

Take your first steps into the world of Nikola Tesla with this Apprentice Violet Wand kit, a sampler of the sensations that the Violet Wand has to offer. From a soft caress of static electricity to an acute zap with a smell of ozone, this kit delivers a wide range of electric sensation and is a great entry-level e-stim kit.
The large, medium, and small bulb assortment is a wonderful place to start with the included Edison bulb adaptor. The large bulb offers an adjustable, mild warm up while the smaller the bulbs become, the more intense and acute the sensation is for that special someone or naughty nobody.
The convex, rounded mushroom attachment is a natural for both male and female nipple and genital play and the small, straight probe attachment is great for delivering a spark of sensation with pinpoint accuracy.
Feeling creative? Manipulate the spark with the included Wartenberg wheel or slip on finger “eagle talons” to deliver a little, prickly tickle or sassy shock to you or your partner’s sensitive bits and pieces. 

For a more technical description, we'll turn to VioletWand.org:

The violet wand operates almost exactly as the Tesla coil described. The main difference is that the violet wand does not use a transformer, at least in the hand held models. Basically the wand uses another coil set up as an electro magnet. This set up is sometimes called a “Wagners Hammer”.
The pulsing AC current from the wall outlet causes the electro magnet to attract and then repel a permanent magnet that is attached to one side of a set of electrical contacts. By moving together and then apart, the circuit is made by the contacts and then broken, very fast. This is the buzzing noise you hear when using the wand. This making and then breaking the circuit establishes our electrical pulse.
When you adjust the intensity on the wand, you are positioning the permanent magnet closer to or further from the electro magnet. At low intensity the permanent magnet is far from the electro magnet. The electro magnet, when it is activated, has less of a pull on it because it has to overcome this distance. The contacts open and close at a slower rate. This has the effect of de-tuning the primary coil from the secondary and therefore there is less output (the pushes on the swing are coming at not quite the right frequency. The swing climbs, but not as high as it could.)
Incidentally, this is why at low levels the violet wands output will drop as its position is shifted. The distance between them is so great that the pull of the electro magnet is not enough to draw the permanent magnet towards it. Turning the wand upright adds a gravitational pull to the permanent magnet as well as the pull of the electro magnet. It is only with the gravitational pull assisting that the contact can open and close at all. Therefore the wand will work when held upright, but not when tilted.

This is the smaller "head"

Now for the fun stuff. What happened when Shoshanna Evers and I tried the violet wand? For me, though I had some trepidation beforehand, I LOVED IT. We used the wand mostly on our inner arms, which are quite sensitive, but I would less so than any female bits. It wasn't like we were going to do that in the middle of the bar. It was bad enough you needed to take off anything metal off, including, er, underwire bras.

So Francesca got everything out and explained some about how it worked. Then she put the "mushroom head" (no snickers, erotic romance writers, not that kind of head) on the wand and turned it to the lowest setting. Shoshanna and I both tried it and decided we could go higher. Francesca gradually turned it up, placing it on different spots on our arms. She asked us what "color" we were often and watched us closely.

Here's Shoshanna experiencing the wand...

Francesca showed another, smaller attachment which would concentrate the sensation more. We both agreed to try it, and once again, both of us seemed to enjoy it. I can't speak for Shoshanna, but it was a really cool sensation for me. Then she switched to another setting which electrified her and when she touched us, the current passed through her and into us. Very, very interesting.

I was feeling a little strange and tired from the aftereffects of a migraine, so I bowed out after that and went to sit and talk to a couple of hot Cavemen, but I know Shoshanna and Francesca continued to play for a while after that.

Shoshanna and Francesca after Francesca electrified herself

I'm guessing the most common question is going to be - what did it FEEL like? Well, that's hard to describe. It didn't "hurt" but it was a lot of sensations. If you have used a TENS unit as part of physical therapy, there are some similarities, but I'd say the violet wand is more intense.

I think someone who enjoys sensation play such as vampire gloves, the Wartenburg wheel, etc might be a fan of the violet wand. The main point is - don't be afraid of it! Make sure the person wielding it knows what they're doing and keep the lines of communication open, but don't be afraid of it.

Have you ever tried a violet wand? What did you think?

Ten ways to tell if your man might be kinky

I was talking to a friend, who shall remain anonymous, and I was asking him about BDSM. He mentioned he didn't know if he was interested in it or not because he'd never been exposed to it. After my brain exploded with all the fun ways to introduce someone to BDSM (he's just a friend, but hey, I can fantasize), I started thinking about how, if you were in a new relationship, you might be able to figure out if your new man might be kinky. This is going to be a partially serious post, with a few tongue-in-cheek things thrown in, because it's been a long day and I have to entertain myself some way.

How to tell if your man might be kinky (or at least open to a discussion about it):

1. You've noticed him spending a lot of time staring at your ass with his palm twitching.
2. He doesn't hide that he watches porn.
3. He owns some sort of sex toy or toys, even so-called tame ones.
4. You climb on top and grab his hands, pulling them over his head, and he doesn't freak out.
5. During doggy-style sex, he slaps your ass.
6. He seems comfortable with dirty talk, especially dirty talk from you.
7. When you mention him backing you into the wall/watching you in the mirror/etc, he grins, rather than apologizing.
8. He owns or has at least seen and not been disgusted by movies like Secretary, 9 1/2 Weeks...
9. You come home one day to find your ereader loaded with erotic romance, because he's figured out if you're horny it might be to his benefit.
10. When you tell him a story about a friend of yours having sex with her boyfriend in some at least semi-public place, he thinks it's hot rather than that they should've been arrested.

How else can you tell if a man might be kinky? Give us more suggestions in the comments!

-- Cassandra

http://www.booksbycassandracarr.com

By the way, I've got some BDSM books coming out soon! Master Class is releasing on December 11th.

Here's the blurb:

Ryan Tomasi feels like a failure. His marriage is officially over; the ink dried on the divorce decree. His friend Jack introduces him to BDSM and he agrees to attend a Halloween party at a club. A submissive approaches him, offering herself, and how can he refuse the kneeling beauty? They do a whirlwind scene and Ryan is addicted—both to dominance and to her.

Lisette Rinaldo is returning to the BDSM club for the first time since ending a bad relationship with her former master. She spots Ryan and is taken by the combination of self-assurance and nervousness the man displays as he takes in his surroundings. And after he gives her an incredible re-introduction to the lifestyle, she knows she needs to see the man again.

Ryan and Lisette explore each other and the lifestyle, but what started out as playtime quickly evolves into something more. The problem? Ryan isn’t ready to get serious again and Lisette doesn’t want to fall in love with a guy who can’t give all of himself to her. Both of them are going to have to break out of the bonds holding them back from happiness.

And Unexpected Top is coming out on January 18, 2013.

Here's the blurb:

Sometimes a wife has to go to extreme measures to save her marriage. When Cissy Holden doesn't feel appreciated, she takes matters into her own hands--literally--and introduces her wayward husband Len to the concept of a Female-Led Relationship (FLR). Will Len be on board with FLR, or has Cissy just made the biggest mistake of her life?

No Means No.

I was in a BDSM forum the other day a sub asked a question that should have surprised me, sadly it didn't. Does a Dom need to ask a subs permission to play with them? The question rang true for me after a recent incident I experienced where a Dom assumed I would be his play partner because I'm now a single submissive. The conversation I was engaged in ended like this.

 

Him: "As a submissive you should do what I, as the Dom, tells you to do."

Me:   "You are not my Dom, therefore I don't have to do anything you tell me." 

 

The fact is there are idiots and morons in all lifestyles. It doesn't matter if you live and socialise in the vanilla world, the BDSM lifestyle, the gay community, wherever. It's courtesy to ask someones permission to do anything with them, whether it's going out on a date or getting involved in BDSM play. Simply because someone is submissive, or single doesn't give a Dom/me power over them or the right to assume they are free to play with. Wearing the title of Dom/me doesn't give a person the right to demand anything of a submissive they aren't in a relationship with or have a specific agreement with.

 

I worry about new people entering the BDSM lifestyle. As an experienced sub, I'm quite capable of telling a Dom to piss off and leave me alone if they overstep the boundaries of decency. And, if standing up for myself gives them the impression I'm not a submissive then so be it, it's not something that bothers me. However, someone entering the lifestyle may not have the strength or belief that they can or should be able to say no.

 

So, for those new to the BDSM community I just thought I'd give you a few tips.

• You can say No to a Dom/me.
• If you tell someone 'no I don't want to play with you' then they should respect that decision. They shouldn't keep pestering you in the hope or belief that they can change your mind.
• Saying no to a Dom/me doesn't mean you are not submissive, it just means you know your own mind and you know who you feel safe to play with.
• Other members of the community will usually help you if you are being harassed by someone. If you're at a party/club/munch then find the organisers or the dungeon master and ask for help. If it's online then block the person and let other people on the site and the site owners know that you've been harassed and who by.

As in any community, common courtesy, listening to and respecting boundaries laid down by individuals is part of the social requirements in the BDSM lifestyle. Also, as in any community, there are people who don't respect others and who will overstep the social boundary. Mercifully, as I've said before, most members of the kink community will assist someone if they are being hassled, which makes me feel safer as a single person in a BDSM social setting. What we all need to remember is that in any community, including the BDSM one...No always means No.

 

 

 

 

How to bring up the topic of BDSM to your man in 5 easy steps

With the recent popularity of the BDSM book-that-must-not-be-named (which we all know isn't really a BDSM book anyway), I've heard several women discussing how they could approach their significant others about wanting to get kinky. First of all, I applaud you for trying something different, but if you don't want to try it, don't. There's nothing wrong with having no desire to be kinky.

But if you do want to delve into the world of kink, and you don't want to do it alone, here are some ways to approach your man:

Maybe not start out with these...
Creative Commons by -JvL-
http://www.flickr.com/photos/-jvl-/

1. Buy a book and either leave it where he'll see it or directly show it to him. I'm not talking about buying the aforementioned book, but rather something like SM 101- A Realistic Introduction, or The Ultimate Guide to Kink.
2. Buy a toy, and do the same thing - leave it out or show it to him. Start small (not literally) here, people. Don't go for the single tail or the eight-inch butt plug right off the bat, or you'll scare the hell out of most men. Try a little paddle. Handcuffs. Maybe a vibrating toy.
3. Start a discussion, without buying a book or a toy. Some people feel more comfortable assessing their man's interest level before spending money, and that's a great way to approach this.
4. Rent a movie with some BDSM elements. Secretary is a good one to start with, though the BDSM is really pretty tame.
5. Suggest he read one of our books! (Sorry, had to throw that in there...)

Can you think of other ways to approach a significant other? Tell me in the comments!

-- Cassandra

http://www.booksbycassandracarr.com

Vanilla isn't the only flavor out there.

I've been meaning to blog about this topic for a long time because I keep hearing it brought up on both sides of the coin -- people in BDSM trying to explain to vanilla friends/family what it is they do, or someone who is vanilla trying to figure out why their friend/loved one would want to be involved in a BDSM relationship.

First of all, let me address the "vanillas" out there. By that I'm not using a derogatory term, by the way. It's just a way to define the non-kinky from the kinky.

So your friend or loved one is into BDSM, or a BDSM dynamic with someone. First of all, do NOT hie thyself down to a bookstore and crack open "50 Shades of Grey." PLEASE. That is sooo not what "real" BDSM is like.

Why would someone want to be involved in BDSM? Well, you need to ask the person that question, and you need to keep an open mind. The reasons are as varied as the people involved in the lifestyle. For some, it's an intrinsic part of who and what they are in the core of their being. Some people think it's a lot of fun. Some crave/need/use the pain or control in some way, if pain is an element of the dynamic. (It's not all about pain, and some people don't have any kind of "pain" in their dynamic.)

"Well, it's abuse!"

No. Consensual BDSM is to abuse what pineapples are to prostate exams. They are completely different animals. I personally cannot for the life of me understand why someone would want to climb an icy mountain for FUN. To me, THAT'S torture.

Just because something isn't in YOUR frame of reference doesn't mean it's not valid.

Consensual BDSM is as far from abuse as you can get and still be on the same interplanetary plane. It's about boundaries and limits and lots and lots of open communication. Consistent communication. Are there abusive assholes involved in BDSM? Well, sure. Just like there are pedophillic priests and abusive partners in the general population. In fact, it's more likely that someone who is involved in a HEALTHY, consensual BDSM relationship is a far more stable and trustworthy person in the abuse department than the average person on the street.

Why? Because someone who is consensually practicing BDSM is extremely aware of boundaries and limits and how not to HARM someone.

HARM is a key difference. Some people get off on hurting/being hurt. But there is a fine line between hurting someone consensually and harming them.

In consensual BDSM, there is no intentional harm being committed. (Yes, people are human. Accidents happen, people screw up, miscommunication occurs, but it's the exception, not the norm, in a healthy relationship.)

"But...but...WHY would she want him to spank her/tie her up/cane/control/her?"

You need to ask her. She (I'm using "she" generically) might or might not be able to clearly verbalize the reasons.

There are a lot of things about my personal BDSM dynamics that I can't fully "explain" to someone in a way that makes sense. Honestly? I don't have to justify it to anyone else. It's between me and my partners. I can tell you that when I started out in the lifestyle as Domme to my husband (at his request) I never thought my path would lead to where it has. I did NOT in any way, shape, or form consider myself a sadist. I did NOT want to "harm" or even hurt my hubby. I wasn't comfortable in the Domme role at first, but it was something he wanted from me and I was willing to do it.

When I started also playing with Sir as His Top, I found a different side of myself as a Top. He is a very heavy masochist, and He discovered that I had no trouble "not hitting Him like a girl." LOL The joke at first was that I was brought in as the relief hitter, so to speak, when He wore out His wife and another friend of ours who used to top Him, to finish him off.

I found that I reeeeally enjoyed topping Him. I discovered my sadistic side. I enjoyed the dance of a scene, of using different implements on Him and taking Him juuuuust right to the edge of coding, of learning His body language to know when to push Him harder and then back off, to keep Him just on the edge of his endurance and tolerance.

I had a real knack for it. And I started receiving a lot of positive comments after our scenes not just from Him, but from people who watched us play together.

Eventually, it led to me wanting to try the submissive end of the scale. And as He was a switch, and as we already had a very deep, solid rapport, not to mention a trust bond, He was the person I asked to do it.

The day after our first scene together, which was in a back room at a friend's house during a private party because I didn't want to be out in the open, I realized exactly why people enjoyed bottoming. This was just before my diagnosis of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome (I thought I was just suffering from arthritis pain) and I felt FANTASTIC for several days. Pain levels practically non-existent, and energy through the roof. Later, I was to discover not only was I not alone in that, but that impact play, because of the endorphins it releases, is VERY therapeutic for my fibro pain.

Do that again? FUCK yes!

And our relationship evolved from there, with a LOT of boundaries at first on my part, until we reached the point where we are today. Our "default" is Daddy (or Sir in a heavy scene) and pet. (We don't do age play, it's just what I call Him.) But I still spend lots of time topping Him.

And above all, it's FUN.

So there's no way I can give a person a succinct, one-sentence reply as to why I am involved in the lifestyle. It is an ongoing journey with no end in sight.

So back to "why" would someone want to do this?

There are women (and men) who were raised, rightly so, to value equality. To consider women equal to men. I'm one of them. Fifteen years ago, I would have scoffed at the idea of "submitting" to someone.

When women (or men) are abused, it is non-consensual. Sometimes (too often) it is violent. However, BDSM is NOT abuse when it's consensual. If women have truly achieved equality, insisting that they have to limit their personal and sexual choices to a dynamic determined by the mainstream masses does the opposite of empower them. To say that the only "right" way to have a relationship is one determined by politically correct people who often have NO first-hand knowledge of BDSM outside of badly-made TV shows portraying lifestyle folks as bad guys or the butt of jokes is total bullshit.

We have choices. We are FREE to choose to be slaves or submissives or bottoms or pets or whatever. We are FREE to choose to be sadists or Tops or Owners or Masters/Mistresses/Doms/Dommes or whatever. As long as our partner/s freely choose to participate in that dynamic with us, it's a choice.

Isn't that what equality is all about?

"But...but...it's against GOD'S LAW!"

I've got news for you, bucky, that's YOUR problem, not the problem of the person in the lifestyle. If you want to judge someone based on your religious views, that makes you a hypocrite. I know people in the lifestyle who are everything from athiests to Pagans to Christians and Jews and Muslims and everything in between.

Here are a few warnings for you: Do not threaten to "out" the person. That's the fastest way to ruin your relationship with them as well as possibly ruin their life if you do. I'm fortunate to be in a position, since Hubby's retirement, that I can be open with who and what I am. Others can (and have) lose jobs, lose custody of kids, be ostracized from friends and family, etc.

How would YOU like it if they walked into your bedroom while you were having sex with your partner and then spread a video about it to everyone? No? No takers? Because when you threaten to out someone, or when you talk to others about them behind their back, you're basically doing the same thing to them.

Their sex life and relationship is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Period.

"But...but...they have kids!"

So? If you have kids, do you go around having sex in front of them? No? well, why would you think people in the lifestyle would do that to their kids? If anything, they're usually even MORE careful not to expose their children to their lifestyle. Although yes, I do know people who have kids who do witness the more vanilla aspects of their dynamic, like the wife calling the husband Sir, but it's nothing worse than some strict fundamentally religious Christian homes would do.

Now, to my fellow people in the lifestyle: Sometimes, you aren't going to be able to convince your family/friends you haven't just joined a cult. You're going to have to either love them the way they are, or learn to ignore them, or limit your contact with them if they refuse to back the hell off. If they are rational people, they will, in time, likely come to see that you are a happier person by being able to be yourself. If they aren't rational, sadly, nothing you say or do will change their mind.

Your job isn't to sway people to your position. Your job is to live your life. No, you do not non-consensually involve others in your dynamic by being "in their face" with stuff. But you also have to do yourself a favor and give up the idea that you have to persuade people to your point of view. You might have people in your life with whom you have to treat BDSM like politics -- it's there, but you don't talk about it. 

Again, you have to respect the other side of the coin. For example, if your parents are uncomfortable with you addressing your Master as "Sir" in front of them in their home, then you two need to negotiate with each other to work around that. (In your own home, however, your rules.)

I know there are some who will want to say, "Fuck that, it's my life." Yes, it is your life. But how many vanillas go around treating you to what they do in the bedroom in regular, everyday life? Most don't. I'm saying use common courtesy.

But when confronted with someone vanilla who vehemently insists you're in an abusive relationship, keep in mind they probably have the best of intentions at heart. But you will have to learn to establish boundaries with these kinds of people if you want them in your life. You will have to learn to stand up to them and firmly, but kindly, tell them to butt the hell out of your private life because it's none of your business. You are under no obligation to justify your life choices to them.

There is so much more I could talk about on this topic, and probably will in future blog posts. Hopefully someone finds this post useful and can point someone they know/love to it to help them understand a little better.

So have you ever been in this position, either trying to understand someone's desire to be in BDSM, or trying to explain to friends/family why you're in BDSM?

(Tymber Dalton is a bestselling erotic romance author involved in a poly-N dynamic and is a BDSM switch. You can find her Siren-BookStrand releases HERE, and her website is http://tymberdalton.com)

So...How was the Party?

In response to a few questions following my last post, I'm doing a quick follow-up today on how the party I attended went.

The short answer is, it was great and I had a lot of fun.

Even though I was nervous because I hardly knew anyone, it was well worth the effort. As it turned out, a few people I knew from the Sydney scene travelled up for the evening, which meant I instantly felt more comfortable being there. So the party turned out to be not only a place for me to meet new friends from the local area but also the chance to catch up with some I hadn't seen for a while.

Not knowing how much flesh to show on the night, I chose to wear my not too revealing naughty school girl outfit. It was the perfect choice many reasons. I've recently lost weight and my corsets are now loose on me...bummer. Secondly, I can be a little bratty sometimes, especially in a social setting like this one and as I said, I didn't want to wear anything overly revealing among a group of people I wasn't familiar with.

The local group were very welcoming and interested in chatting, which was a huge plus. I made some great new connections and have a couple of other events planned for this month as a result of invites received on the night.

The party organisers had an excellent play area set up with all the standard equipment. St.Andrews cross, spanking bench, stocks, a medical table etc. Doms and subs freely engaged in different forms of impact play and one of the highlights of the night for me was watching a demonstration on fire cupping.

Even though I had decided not to engage in play activities at this party a Dom I've known for about five years now and who I've played with numerous times asked me to assist with an electroplay demonstration. His sub doesn't like the activity and he knows I do so, according to his Dom logic, that made me the 'perfect choice of victim' for him to use. I was happy to assist because I knew he was aware of my limits and we'd engaged in the activity before.

(I may do a post on fire cupping and electroplay at some stage, if readers are interested, so just let me know).

There's a lot to be said for socialising with like-minded people, particularly in a private setting. It's that whole like-speaks-to-like thing I guess. I didn't have to worry about who might overhear the conversation about kinky activities, whether that conversation would offend anyone or if the person I was talking to would be accepting of the lifestyle.

Everyone in attendance was on the same page and happy to just be themselves.

Getting involved with the BDSM Community

 Post by Jan Graham

Not many of you will know this but I recently moved house. In fact I not only moved house, I changed cities as well. I used to live in a rural township about an hour from Sydney in Australia. Now I live in the middle of the second biggest city in the state, three hours from Sydney. It's been a big change but after approximately nine weeks, I think I'm finally in the swing of city living again. As well as settling into city life I've also had to connect with members of the Kink community in a city where I know very few people. 

 

While I was deciding what to blog about today, something occurred to me.  Maybe some of you are interested in becoming more involved with your local BDSM community but just don't know where to start. Needless to say, I thought I'd share my journey so far.

 

The first step for me was to investigate what groups existed in my local area. In order to do that I went to Fetlife. For those of you who don't know what Fetlife is it's a social networking site for the BDSM and Kink community. There are other sites that you can join but I find they are more about hooking up or dating and that's not what I'm looking for. I've had a profile on Fetlife for many years and I use it to stay in touch with friends involved in the lifestyle. It's my kinky facebook. I began by searching different groups listed on the site for my local area, had a look at what they offered and joined a couple of groups that seemed to be active and who organised social events. I became friends with a few of the group participants, joined in on the forum discussions and checked out dates for the munches that were coming up. The next step was to move from the relative anonymity of cyberland into reality.

 

Step two was...attend a munch. A munch is a get together at a public venue, there is no BDSM play, no typical fetish clothing, it's just people in the lifestyle getting together to have a meal and get to know each other in a non threatening environment. As it turned out I knew someone who attended, which only proves the BDSM community can be a small world. The group members seemed really friendly and very protective of their subs and younger (both in age and experience level) members within the group, which is a great indication that I've met a good group of people. I would just like to add if I hadn't felt comfortable at the munch, if people had been offensive or inappropriate I would have left and started my search again, but in this case, the experience was a good one.

 

So, a few weeks later and where am I? I'm attending my first play party. The group has specific requirements for who attends parties and how soon someone can do that after joining the group. I've met the requirements so on Saturday night, I'm off to do more socialising and learn more. Just because it's a play party doesn't mean those attending have to play. I'm not intending to play for the simple reason that I don't know the members well enough yet and haven't built up enough trust with anyone in the group to engage in the activities I like. It's still going to be a fun night though, even without being flogged..lol.

 

I think it's important to note that throughout the process I've set rules for myself, and will continue to do so. As a single sub I need to look after myself and setting personal limits is a way to do that. As well as the no play rule I mentioned earlier, here are some other practices I use.

• Fetlife for me is a social medium and that's how I use it. If I get messages from people asking to hook up or wanting to talk dirty, I politely decline. They generally go away without any fuss.
• Before I committed to going to a munch, I spoke with the local group leaders online and found out the motivation for the group they moderated. I read the group profile and some of the member profiles just to get to see who everyone was and chose people to friend that I thought I'd have something in common with.
• For the munch and the party there specific requirements like dress codes, appropriate behaviors, limits on alcohol consumption etc. I'll make sure I'm fully aware of all these and stick to them. 
• I'll be giving a close friend, not attending the party, the details of where I am and the organisers phone number. I'll send check in texts throughout the evening (if I don't she'll sit at home and worry about me...lol).
• When I arrive at the party on Saturday, I'll make sure I identify and say hello to the Dungeon Master/s, in case I need assistance throughout the night.

Anyway, that's about it. So far so good as they say. I'm making inroads into getting to know people and having a kinky social life again. Now, the next thing to do is to decide what to wear...um, where did I put my platforms again?

 

Wish me luck.

     

Being a Sub Doesn’t Have To Be a Pain In The Butt

Post by Jan Graham

I often have discussions with friends and other people I meet about BDSM. It just seems to be a topic that comes up around me, especially now with some many people knowing about Fifty Shades. There are two statements that reoccur in many of the conversations. ‘I could never be a sub because I’m not into pain.’ and ‘I could never let a man hit me.’  

 Admittedly a lot of erotic romance does highlight painful pleasure and activities such as spanking. I include those in my novels as well, but the fact remains there are a lot of lifestyle practices that don’t include pain or impact play. For the sake of this post I’m sticking to D/s relationships as SM definitely falls into the pain category. In simple terms, Dominance and submission is about a consensual power exchange. How the exchange manifests is up to the individuals involved. Just like some subs don’t like painful activities, not all Doms like inflicting pain. Punishment doesn’t have to be corporal is D/s relationships and neither do sexual activities.

 

Acts that some people consider a little kinky are in fact based in D/s practices. Being bound, whether it is with a scarf or fluffy handcuffs and tied to a bed or having your body tied with rope in a shibari technique is an act of bondage.  It’s also an act of submission, giving control of your body and what happens next to a dominant partner. And what happens next doesn’t have to include, as some of my friends refer to it, being hit.

Sensation play with the use of feather ticklers, a pinwheel run lightly over sensitive areas of the body, the use of hot and cold substances like wax or ice cubes, being blindfolded and fed by your Dom all require trust and are forms of submission. If anything, these activities are far from painful and can be quite erotic. A Dom and sub engaging in orgasm control (i.e. a sub being denied orgasm, told when to orgasm or being made to orgasm repeatedly) is a popular practice in a lot of D/s relationships and can be achieved without inflicting pain.

 When it comes to discipline most people’s minds immediately go to spanking or other acts of corporal punishment. I like to explain the use of non corporal discipline in a D/s relationship as being similar to how a parent might punish a child without smacking them. The possibilities are endless. A Dom may command his sub to sit in the corner or on a punishment stool. Deny them something they particularly enjoy or require them to do something they don’t enjoy.

 

BDSM doesn’t have to be a pain in the butt and that’s something I like about Dominance and submission, the flexibility of it. There is something for almost everyone. It’s a lifestyle that’s as individual as all of us, whether you’re into pain or not.    

 

For those of you who’d like a titillating example of this form of D/s relationship some are included in my novel, Playing Jax. The books Dom, Steve takes great delight in resisting spanking Rhia, his prospective sub. Instead he engages in erotic acts of dominance to introduce her into the BDSM lifestyle before moving onto the more traditional spanking/impact activities. I hope you enjoy the excerpt below.

Excerpt from Playing Jax by Jan Graham.

 

Steve opened the wooden box and pulled out a razor, filling her with a sense of trepidation. She’d expected a disposable razor like she’d bought to use on her legs and underarms. The old- fashioned cutthroat razor looked like new. The steel caught the light as he unfolded it from the handle to reveal the blade.

“I inherited it from my grandfather.” Rhia gulped nervously, her eyes fixed on the shiny blade. “I will never do anything to endanger you, Rhia. Do you believe me when I say that?” He stroked her curls and tenderly ran his fingers along either side of her pussy lips.

Rhia’s heart pounded, a fragment of fear edging at her mind. She started into his eyes and glanced toward the blade and back again. “I believe you and I trust you. I was just expecting something plastic.”

He chuckled as he bent forward. He kissed her curls lovingly and whispered see you again soon against her mound. She closed her eyes as the razor moved between her legs. He trimmed away the excess hair, the blade never coming near her skin. She opened her eyes when warm water trickled over her sex as he moistened the remaining hair. The water soothed her skin, even as the heat of arousal began to build inside her. He applied the soapy lather to her skin using an old-fashioned shaving brush. Rhia moaned as his fingers moved gently over the area. The impersonal brush discarded, he massaged along the crest of her sex, fingers sliding along either side of her lips.

“You are so beautiful, baby, and so responsive, even to the gentlest of my touches. My cock is pounding in my jeans as I do this for you. It’s so damn hard.”

She watched him wipe his fingers clean of soap and once again pick up the razor. The skin pulled taught beneath his fingers and a shiver thrilled her spine as he removed the first of the hair. He shaved her effortlessly, like he’d done it a million times before.

She began to ache for him, moisture building between her lips. Her nipples peaked beneath her bra, and her breath became shallow as unfamiliar sensations flowed over her. She responded to everything he was doing, the water warming her skin, the creaminess of the soap against her flesh, the tickle of the brush, and then the coolness of the blade as it stroked over her.

“Oh my god, this is so…so…I don’t know what it is. It’s—”

“Erotic,” the word came softly from his lips.

“Erotic,” Rhia breathed the word and the blade of the razor once again slid over her taught skin. She heard the light scraping sound and wanted to sigh. “I don’t understand what’s happening. All you’re doing is shaving me.”

“I’m doing more than that, sweetness.” He kissed her inner thigh. She couldn’t hold back the groan that indicated her overwhelming arousal. “I am tending to your needs. I’m touching your sex. When you look down at me you see me watching the most intimate part of you. Your body’s reacting to the combined memory of what we’ve shared together, my possession of this part of you. The way I’ve stroked you with my fingers, my tongue, and my cock and the pleasure you experience from those acts.”

Rhia felt like she might come just hearing his words. His deep, husky voice sounded so sensual and when he gazed up from between her thighs, his eyes, filled with heated lust, sparkled the deepest shade of blue sapphire. Her pussy clenched at the sight of him. Warm water on the soft washcloth eased away the residual lather that tainted her skin. He cupped her now-naked mound, stroked across her, his long fingers easing between her lips.  

Purchase Playing Jax 

Also available from Amazon and B&N.

Real People Real BDSM - take your time, be patient, be safe, discover your kinks

By Mercy

My brain has been a twisted place for a very long time. As a child I had fantasies of being spanked by storybook giants. I loved games where friends were bad guys who kidnapped me, tied me with skipping ropes and menaced me with plastic daggers. My Barbies were sex trade workers and my ken dolls had sexual relations with each other.  As I got older my fantasies got darker.

When I was 14, I discovered John Norman books at the public library. I read every one that they had. Gor convinced me that I wanted to be a slave. The thought of being used – being owned – resonated with me.  For years the guys I dated were surprisingly unenthusiastic about the idea, and were untrainable as potential masters. I had a few close friends that knew how I felt, but the concept perplexed them.

My first sex partner was physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually abusive. For the year we were together I couldn’t figure out why being abused in real life didn’t turn me on. The rape scenarios I had in my head were hot; the real thing was painful and downright boring after the first few times. I started keeping the remote close at hand so that I could at least watch something interesting on TV until he was done with me.  The way he hurt me didn’t do a thing for me. At first I wondered if my fantasies were only good in my head but fizzled in real life. Eventually I figured out that abuse and BDSM were entirely different. This was back before the internet, so I had no way of knowing that until I worked it out in my head.

After that I found ways to make my vanilla relationships work. Sex was painful for me, so I would imagine my partner was hurting me on purpose. I would read things that turned me on all the time and then leave myself that way. Burning and cutting myself became commonplace, and various friends were concerned about me until they discovered I just did it because it felt good. I was a walking bundle of repressed sexuality – something that intrigued men and got me attention I didn’t necessarily want.

Except for this one guy.

I met him through a group I belonged to. The first time I saw him, he turned to look at me and my mouth went dry. Such a beautiful, self-confident man. All that, and he was funny, too. But we were both dating other people. Despite that inconvenient fact, for seven years this man acted like he owned me. He would brush his fingers across my ass as he walked past. He would find ways to fondle me in a roomful of people without anyone noticing. One night at a party we ended up alone and he slammed me up against the door and kissed me hard, shoving his thigh between my legs, and torturing my nipples through my shirt while he ground up against me. Now this was a guy who knew how to treat a girl. A girl like me, anyway. I was submissive to him, I couldn’t help it. I fantasized about him all the time, while I muddled through a messy relationship with a man who never had sex with me, no matter what I did.

Eventually we both ended up single, and I knew I had to have him – even if it was just once. I e-mailed him to tell him I was sorry to hear that he and his girlfriend had broken up. I didn’t fool either of us.  Apparently, he wasn’t sorry I was single, either.

He lived out of town. We talked incessantly by e-mail and phone, and I eventually took a chance and told him about my interest in BDSM. He had never gotten into it because his ex was very vanilla, but he was interested. The man had an evil brain. Even though I was shy about discussing it, he eventually made me confess all sorts of my twisted fantasies. He had a collar custom made for me and started using it.  He had been well-trained in the “no means no” mantra of polite sex, so even though he knew what I wanted we had to work on that. I started taunting him to make me do things, and he dropped the civilized facade pretty quickly.

In the middle of a hilarious conversation that neither of us can recall, we picked a safeword.

One day when I was being sassy, he laughed and picked up his belt and threatened to hit me with it if I didn’t behave. I dared him to do it. The man can’t resist my dares, I was pleased to discover. He hit me with the belt a few times and we had hot nasty sex. There’s nothing like positive reinforcement to teach a guy what you like.

We married.

The collar, the belt, his use of force and my unspoken submission were our sex life for several years. But after years of delicious sex and violence I wanted... more. There were things I hadn’t told him and I was worried that the next level of intensity would be the one that scared him off or disgusted him. Eventually I decided to bring it up. Over the years he had proven himself to be an open minded guy, so why was I being so chicken? After that conversation he put the o-ring up in the doorframe in our room. He and I both bought things for him to hit me with. At first he was leery of beating me as hard as I wanted, but I goaded him into it, and he realized he loved it as much as I did. When I ask him now what his favourite part of BDSM is, he says it’s two things: knowing I’m his and making me scream... in one way or another.

Considering the level we do things at now, sometimes I worry about where we’re going. I wear a public collar 24/7. His dominance has leeched out of the bedroom and into our vanilla life. I fantasize about him leaving permanent marks or branding me. I have my submissive barcode tattooed on my shoulder and the collared submissive symbol on my shoulder blade. Luckily, even when I start getting greedy for more he keeps things safe, sane and consensual.

As I kneel at his feet with his hand in my hair, I feel the ache of fresh bruises and know that he loves me.
                                                                     *****

Cari Silverwood:

Remember everyone is different. No one is you. What turns someone else on may mean zero to you. BDSM is a very broad envelope term which covers many different kinks. Which is why you should never assume your partner will like the same things as you.


Rushing into things with your partner can be a disastrous thing to do. But if you're patient, you may give them enough time to understand you.


For those who are puzzled by BDSM – yes, Mercy and her husband love each other deeply and yes, the pain to her is pleasureable and the screaming is just as likely to be from orgasms as from being flogged, hit with a belt, or whatever. I cannot stress enough that her partner is a caring man and that this is, as Mercy says, safe, sane and consensual.

A link to more information

: http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html

Topping / Teaching from the bottom in the bedroom

This is a hot topic in BDSM circles. It’s talked about all over the place. Everyone has an opinion and you know what, I’m not even going to bother touching on whether it’s disrespectful or wrong in most cases. I’m sure it is. I know if you want Dominance and submission to work, you don’t want a relationship defined by this. So why am I bothering with this then? Because all that other stuff, all that information on what to do and what might go wrong is irrelevant in certain circumstances.

By the way this part here is just me (Cari Silverwood) saying why I think this post is important. Skip down to the real story down below then come back if you want.

If you go to clubs, dungeons, play parties and educational nights or lectures or whatever, this isn’t about you.

So what does that leave? Bedroom BDSMers. Yes, I’m using that label because labels make it easier to talk about things. But, they should not create boundaries. Think outside the box. It’s what BDSM practitioners do all the time surely?

From talking to a lot of women, and looking at what statistics are out there, from thinking logically about people, I think bedroom BDSMers are the quiet majority. Those who go to clubs and form groups are certainly more visible and more vocal, but they are likely the minority.

And that is what makes this sort of post so important. This small exception to the “topping from the bottom is wrong” rule is actually a BIG exception.

There is no other way for some partners to learn, than by doing this along with learning from the internet, from books and from videos.

Fools, I hear some call them? Truly? If you take an introvert and they refuse to become an extrovert, are they a fool? Or a lesbian, and insist they become straight, are they fools? No. So why say those who won’t put their sexuality out there in public are fools, or wrong? We shouldn’t say that, at all, of course.

Sex and sexuality is an intensely private affair for many. And bringing BDSM into a relationship is already such a minefield anyway. My husband might go to a class on his latest hobby…might, but he won’t go to parties without being tasered, and go to a BDSM club or a munch? Is the moon made of cheese? Has hell frozen over? No. But he’s not a fool, and neither are the husbands of the many other women I’ve spoken to.

My last point. Risk. Safety. Some say learning by yourselves is wrong due to safety risks. I say RACK. Risk Aware Consensual Kink. The basic safety premise behind BDSM. Everything we do in life has some risk. There are some things I think you’d be mad to try at home without training. Or mad to do first off without a lot of talking and learning and reading. Like putting a gag in your partner first time, or doing rope suspension, or using a whip, or breath control. Weigh up the risks and decide what you are willing to try with your partner, if anything.

If we can consider breath control a part of BDSM, even if it is edge play, then bedroom topping from the bottom has to fit in somewhere, as long as you use RACK. Breath control is as close to asking to die as anything within the BDSM spectrum. A major risk, an unpredictable one, is cardiac arrest long after you’ve stopping doing it. It’s up there with self-bondage in risk. I used to do self-bondage when a teenager but stopped due to a sudden appreciation of the risk. Prior to that epiphany I was doing non-RACK for certain. Life is full of risks, we just need to minimize it as much as we can.

So here below is the true story of one woman ‘topping from the bottom’ because that was her only avenue. If you say this is wrong, you leave all those people in similar circumstances with nowhere to go at all.

A Real Story of beginning BDSM – reposted with permission

Like many women, I started out with the craving for BDSM in my totally vanilla relationship with my husband. I knew I needed some pain and bondage and was unsure about whether I had an inclination toward submission or not. But my first priority was experiencing the sensations – the confines of restraint and the pain from spanking, biting, hair pulling, etc.

So, yes, I did what people in the community call “topping from the bottom.” Mainly because I knew more about BDSM than he did. I was the one reading the erotic novels and joining fetlife and speaking with others in the lifestyle. So I had the majority of the information.

He was willing to try it, but he would’ve been satisfied with vanilla sex his whole existence. But because I needed it, and he loved me, he learned in the best way he could. From my teaching him. And this manifested in topping from the bottom.

Let me tell you what this looks like. I would either email or text him what I wanted him to do (i.e. bend me over the couch and spank me then handcuff me to the headboard and…). Or I’d lay out certain toys I wanted him to use. While we were in a “scene” I’d give suggestions (or as he called it, whine and complain). Maybe I could’ve gone about it better but it was important for him to learn how tight was too tight and how hard was too hard, and in the throes of passion it’s much easier to yell “that’s too tight damn it!” than “my dearest husband, though you hold me snugly in your heart, your bonds of love are cutting off my circulation.” Obviously I’m being a smart ass (one of the wonderful things about me my husband loves), but you get what I mean. Shit happens.

As we experienced BDSM together more and more, he learned what turned me on AND what turned him on. He learned my limits and how to be safe. Yes, I suppose some could lecture me about how he should have taken a class so he didn’t risk injury to his beloved bride. First of all, I’m not a delicate flower. Second of all, my husband is an introvert to the extreme. I have to bribe him to go to Christmas dinner with the family. Getting him to a BDSM how-to class would be a small miracle.

Most importantly, I learned how to trust him with my body.

For myself, and probably many others out there, trust is a big issue. As a victim of abuse, total submission is one of the scariest things we can choose to do. I’m not talking about the kind of trust that says “I trust you’ll be a decent husband therefore I’ll marry you and hope we stay together forever.” I’m talking about the kind of trust that says “I am yours completely – to use, to please, to take, to fulfill. And though you’ll have the opportunity to abuse me, abandon me, or betray me, still, I trust you with my very life.”

That kind of trust is bone deep. And it takes some freakin’ practice. Yes, you have to practice trust. Especially someone who’s experienced betrayal. And I challenge anyone who says otherwise.

So through topping from the bottom we learned our likes/dislikes, we experimented, we made mistakes, we had great times, we laughed, we cried, and that bone deep trust was born.

That’s how topping from the bottom worked for us. Here’s the other half of the story.

One day, I just stopped needing to. He knew how tight was too tight. He knew how hard was too hard. And me saying so was just starting to get annoying. He knew what I liked and didn’t, what he liked and didn’t, and everything in between. We reached the point where he was comfortable leading and I was comfortable following. He grabbed the role of Top and it was time for me to let go.

The first few times were difficult. Here’s what our dialogue sounded like.

“Make sure you – ”

“I know.”

“And I like to – ”

“I know.”

“And don’t forget to – ”

“Would you just shut up?”

It was shocking to realize I wasn’t needed anymore. Well, except for the obvious parts cause I had the…parts. But my input was no longer necessary, other than a safeword and sometimes feedback after. It was almost like watching a baby bird fly from the nest (my husband would cringe if he knew I used that analogy). And I had to consciously zip my lip from time to time (or risk a gag).

Now, here’s the important part so pay attention. I do not think it is dangerous to top from the bottom. I do not think it is wrong to do it. I do not think it makes the experience any less valuable than my own. I can only speak for myself, but I will say, it’s a much more satisfying experience when I don’t top from the bottom. I rarely get to let go of control. I have kids. I have a mortgage and a job and a dog and a lot of responsibility. I used to think I was less of a person if I submitted to a man, even in the bedroom. But now I realize how truly freeing it is. Not only that but it connects us on a level I didn’t know I was lacking.

BUT, and this is a big but, I could not have reached this point if I hadn’t topped from the bottom. I needed to know that if I let go completely, he would be there to catch me. I needed to experience his trust in me about what I needed. We needed to explore and learn and grow together, as equals, no one person more powerful than the other.

Total power exchange is scary as hell! And if you don’t think so, you need a wake-up call. Come here so I can shake you. If you have as much trust as it takes to hand your physical well-being and your heart over to someone else, then I applaud you. But is that reciprocated? Does your partner feel deserving of that power? Do they want that power?

Chances are, if they’re vanilla and you want more, if you hand them that power and do very little preparing, they’re going to be lost. And that doesn’t inspire confidence or safety or any of those other dommy things you want in them. So help them through it. Top from the bottom so they gain the experience and knowledge and confidence they need. If I had thrown Dh into the BDSM deep end with no swimmies on, he’d have sunk to the bottom of the pool.

And hell, if you always top from the bottom and you’re satisfied with that, I’m not here to judge you. I would’ve had a fine sex life if that’s what we stuck with. I’d have been tied up and spanked and got my hair pulled just like I wanted. All I’m saying is…for me, it’s a richer, deeper experience to go all the way.

******

Cari Silverwood here again :

I’d like to add that in my opinion, if you’re a masochist looking for some pain or impact play, topping from the bottom may still give you results you like. However, if you’re wanting Domination from your partner, you will probably find it a pretty hollow experience until and unless your partner learns how to control you -- how to Dominate, how to press your buttons, so to speak.

And not everyone wants to try BDSM. But you never get anywhere if you never never ask.

The people who will most benefit from knowing about this type of topping/ teaching in bedroom BDSM are the very people who are most likely to learn from posts like this. If you go to clubs, you can learn from others. If people posting about BDSM truly want to help others, and to educate about BDSM, this exception to the rule should be mentioned whenever topping from the bottom is discussed. Because otherwise you may be leaving a helluva lot of people out there in the cold.