Saturday, December 17, 2011

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Real People Real BDSM - a little S/m and bondage can work wonders

The latest true story in our series.
By Arianna
I think I was probably born with an inclination toward BDSM. My first sexual fantasies involved bondage and discipline before I even knew what it meant. But I was brought up where abstinence was the only path. My mom had me when she was very young so she scared me away from boys and sex to keep me from making the same mistake. It worked (though I don't advocate it), but I went into marriage with very little knowledge of sex, and more importantly, what I like, need, and want.
I was a blushing virgin on our honeymoon. Sex started off bad right away. The stress and anticipation made it hurt even more. I wasn't turned on by the regular routine of vanilla sex. When I fantasized, it was always about BDSM though I didn't know it. As long as I can remember, I had an interesting relationship with pain. I didn't go out of my way to hurt myself, but when I did, it fascinated me. I was the kid that pushed on bruises, picked at scabs, laughed when I got hurt instead of crying. When my sexual fantasies started involving pain, domination, control, being tied up and helpless, I thought I was weird. A freak. Something was wrong with me for wanting these things. I didn't know anyone else like me. I didn't watch porn or read erotic books to know this was normal.
For six years I kept my fantasies secret, scared my husband would be disgusted by my desires. I was petrified he'd reject me. During that time, sex was a chore. An obligation I rarely enjoyed. Sometimes I even hated it. When we had kids, we pretty much stopped having sex all together. Though our marriage has always been strong, there was a big hole missing. One neither of us knew how to fix. I accepted the fact that we were sexually incompatible. He was formulaic and passive. I wanted aggressive and creative.
After our 6th year of marriage, I started reading erotic novels. I realized that I'm not actually a freak for wanting to be tied up. And not even for wanting to mix pain with pleasure. There were lots of people like me who had satisfying sex lives (with their spouses even!), but that I had to be open and honest about my needs. It was very, very hard to tell my husband. Again, we go back to fear of rejection.
How do you tell the person you love that you want to be tied down and spanked? It wasn't as if I was interviewing a sexual partner, or a dom. This was my husband. He was it. There were no other candidates if he thought it was crazy. So I did it in stages.
First, I felt him out a little by telling him about the books I was reading. I used the acronym BDSM then studied his face to see if he would flinch or grimace. I should've known he wouldn't. After years of barely getting any action, I think he would have agreed to anything at that point if it got me off. There's a strategy for those of you with reluctant partners. Deprivation! Okay, kidding. But he was VERY interested in what I was reading. He wanted to know what turned me on.
Remember, most men want to please their women. It's a big turn on for them to know they can get their woman going. You have to appeal to their ego. So I think he was hoping for some clues in what I was reading. So I asked him if he'd like to try some bondage. He said, with a big grin, "okay!"
Things happened relatively quickly after that. He saw how responsive I was to being tied up, which encouraged him to keep going.
Here's a tip. Eager spouses: give your reluctant ones lots of praise and positive reinforcement for doing things you like. It's like training a puppy. Then they know what to keep doing.
After a few bondage sessions, I got even braver and asked him to spank me. Impact play is a huge turn on for me but I wasn't sure he'd like the idea of hitting me. Again, I battled insecurity. Now would he think I was a freak? Most partners, even in vanilla relationships, will tie each others hands once in a while. But I wanted to take it a step further. I wanted him to hurt me. But when I told him it would turn me on, he agreed.
He started off too light, just a few swats here and there. But I needed more. Since I couldn't look him in the eye and say, "I want you to spank me till I'm writhing and yelping and my ass is bright red" (Lol!), I texted him instead.
Here's another tip. Men like dirty texts! I told him exactly what I wanted him to do to me, how hot it would make me, and appealed to his ego that he's da man! He followed my instructions (with a few small changes here and there) and, again, I made sure to tell him how awesome he is after (positive reinforcement!).
The impact play was a more difficult balance to find. Mixing pain with pleasure is a fine line. Figuring out just the right implement, strength, length took a little practice. Yes, he hit me too hard once with the belt and I had a very painful welt to show for it. But everyone is entitled to mistakes. We're still learning each other, but also ourselves. Now that we've been at it a little while, we've both been surprised to realize my husband is growing to love BDSM too. At first, he was just doing it for me. But now we've found a bit of a sadistic streak in him. Not to mention some very clear dom potential.
We've come a long way in these last several months of integrating BDSM into our life. I started off forming the scenes, taking control even though he was the top, or the one tying me up, etc. I said where, how, what implement, etc. This is called topping from the bottom. But it was okay with me because he needed the confidence and direction.
Now that he knows what I like, he's naturally started to take the lead more. And I'm (sometimes reluctantly) giving up control. We could probably still be classified as a top/bottom relationship, but I wonder if we'll end up dom/sub at some point down the road.
The good thing is we both have a sense of humor and don't take things too seriously. BDSM is different for every couple. We will always be playful about it (yes, even when he's smacking my ass for being mouthy), it's just the way we are. Wherever our journey takes us, we'll always be us. A silly, loving, affection couple of smart-asses.
My advice is similar to what everyone else here has said: communication and honesty. It's hard to put yourself out there. It's a huge risk. But, hopefully, the person you are asking to try this with loves you.
If so, they will accept this part of you. It won't happen over night. My husband and I had a few down and dirty talks where I'd end up in tears and he'd be frustrated, trying to understand why I needed this and what I got out of it. Remember, this is a give and take. All relationships require some amount of sacrifice. That goes for the sexual parts too. Especially when you add such specific extras.
BDSM encompasses a lot of stuff. No two people will like the same exact things. So if your partner is going along with your tastes, make sure you're going along with theirs too. I'll give you an example. I don't like talking dirty. It's uncomfortable and makes me feel kinda silly. But my husband loves it. He orders me to tell him in graphic terms what I want, and even though it's not my favorite thing, I do it because I know he loves it. I let him have that.
The most important tip I can give someone is DO NOT COMPARE! Your partner will never be like your fantasies, or like the books you read. Your scenes will not always be as smooth and perfect as what you read in books. We are not fictional characters. We are real and this is a journey of trial and error.
I saw a picture of a certain bondage position I wanted to try. I asked my husband to do it to me. It was extremely erotic and very hot and he loved it. Unfortunately it was the most uncomfortable position in the world and I lasted about 5 minutes before my fingers were going numb. I'll tell you, yelling, "ow! my fingers are numb, let me loose!" is not how I imagined this scene going. But we laughed and adjusted and kept going because that's real life. Trial and error.
Laugh at your mistakes - yes, even if your partner hits you too hard with the belt. Well, you might want to curse for a few seconds first. And don't forget your safeword. If you have a reluctant spouse, have patience. Accept where they're at, just as you want to be accepted. It's a journey. It can be exciting and fun and sexy and funny, but the important thing is you're doing it together.
As Ariana says -- Safe Sane and Consensual

Saying a safeword isn't always necessary if you and your partner understand each other well. it safe if you aren't sure.
And my website -- but I write fiction so the above will give you a better idea of real BDSM :)

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Monogamy and BDSM

I can honestly say that when I first learned about BDSM, I thought that monogamy was not the norm nor was it common. Shortly after I began writing my first BDSM story Slave, however, I met a couple who was completely monogamous. He had been in the lifestyle for twenty years. She was younger, and had been in the lifestyle for five.

Shortly thereafter, I met another monogamous couple. They’re married with three young children.

So why is it that when most people think about those who live the lifestyle they picture threesomes or large play parties where everyone is playing with everyone else?

After reading a lot of posts, and with what I know of the couples I’ve befriended, I’ve found that the couples in monogamous relationships within the lifestyle tend to be less vocal within the on-line community. They do have a presence, yes, but they tend to get over shadowed by those who are in poly or open relationship.

 The bottom line, as with all good relationships but especially those involving BDSM, is communication. I hear it preached in every on-line lifestyle forum. Guessing and hinting doesn’t work. Both partners have to be on the same page whether that is about limits or about wanting or not wanting a monogamous relationship.

Also ,be clear on what monogamy means to you. Does it mean not having sex with others? Or does it go farther than that and include flirting or play of any kind where others outside the relationship are involved? Don’t assume that your partner knows how you define monogamy. Draw clear lines so that there is no confusion by either partner. What is allowed? What isn’t?

Don’t allow yourself to be pressured into something you don’t want; all that will do is make you unhappy. Many newbies in the lifestyle feel like they will never find someone if monogamy is something they want in a relationship. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. Don’t settle. Go after what you want and need in your relationship.
(Sherri Hayes is the author of one BDSM novel, Slave (Finding Anna Book 1). More information can be found on her blog