Friday, May 16, 2014

Consensual non-consent, rape play, and stay the hell out of my bedroom.

Cara Sutra has THE best blog I've ever read about summarizing CNC (consensual non-consent play, AKA rape play) in BDSM. DEFINITELY a must-read.

You can take my rape fantasy when you non-consensually prise it from my kink dependent mind.

The point being many of us in BDSM ENJOY this kind of play. Speaking to the nay-sayers who think we're "wrong" for enjoying this kind of play: You don't know what our backgrounds or experiences are, so you have no RIGHT to dictate to us, CONSENTING ADULTS, how we express ourselves through our sexuality. You don't get to homogenize us to fit YOUR mold.


Those two words right there mean a full-stop period end to any objections anyone might have. Let's break it down further, shall we?

CONSENT. It means the people (both  sides of it) engaging in the play are CONSENTING.

ADULTS. Meaning a human person of legal age and able to give consent to such play.

I'm NOT saying people who don't enjoy this kind of play should do it. Not at all. But for a group of people to scream that it's "wrong" to do it, when consensually enjoying is, for some, a way to RECLAIM and SELF-DEFINE their own sexuality and sexual expression, that's like the people saying it's wrong are victimizing people all over again.

As long as people are CONSENTING ADULTS, no one has a right to shame them into what they should or shouldn't do in terms of their sexuality.


Two words. Two VERY powerful words that many people try to overlook to create wacky, off-the-wall and totally irrelevant arguments against CNC play. Like trying to equate it to pedophiles or bestiality. Um, NO. Again, CONSENTING ADULTS. Kids are neither ADULTS nor CONSENTING. Animals are neither (human) ADULTS nor CONSENTING.

If it's not your kink, GREAT! You don't have to do it! But for those of us in BDSM who enjoy it, don't try to shame us and further victimize us. In a real situation, let's just say I have a concealed carry permit, 'kay? But with Sir, CONSENSUALLY, it's play I enjoy. Why? Because I trust him and I know that if something went south, physically, mentally, or emotionally, all I have to do is safeword and boom, play stops. (That's the CONSENT part.) I'm an ADULT. Sir's an ADULT. We're quite capable of figuring out what we do and don't want to do.

What two consenting adults do between them is NOT any reflection upon ANY experience anyone else has had. It's NOT "victimizing" anyone else. It's NOT a slam to any victim of a crime. It's NOT.

YKINMY. Your Kink Is Not My Kink. Pure and simple. Trying to equate a consensual act between two people with a non-consensual crime is like trying to say that people shouldn't be allowed to drive cars anymore because some asshole hit your car with his. There is no cause-and-effect here. The two are linked in some ways for SOME people, yes. But the private play that people engage in does NOT create acceptance for the non-consensual crime. It doesn't.

*deep breath*

Sorry, didn't mean to put on my ranty pants there, but now that they're on, at least I got that out.

(Tymber Dalton is the author of The Reluctant Dom and other books. Her website is