Some basics for those of you who are new around here...

In the past we've done some "BDSM for Beginners" posts, but I don't remember seeing one in a while, so I thought I'd do one for those of you who haven't been with us as long. First, for a HUGE list of terms related to BDSM, this is a great site: http://bdsmcafe.com/resource/glossary/gloss-x.html.

Now, for furniture -- if you're going to go that far -- The Stockroom is a good place to start. Besides furniture, they have tons of other stuff too, but I found their explanations of the different apparatuses to be straightforward and easy to understand: http://www.stockroom.com

Implements. If you're going to do BDSM, you'll need some type of implements. Whether you're doing impact play, sensation play or something else, don't go buying any old thing. Buy quality. How do you know the products are quality? When they come from places like: http://www.cane-iac.com or http://www.thelondontanners.com (for those kinksters in the UK or people who don't mind paying higher shipping costs for quality goods.

And clothing...sure, you can wear whatever you want. It's not like the BDSM police are going to come and take away your kinkster card if you play in sweats and a tank top. But sometimes it's fun to get dressed up, especially if you like things like role playing. Since there are TONS of places to buy clothing you can use in BDSM play, I'm not going to list any here. But I will say this. Make sure it fits, it's not cutting circulation, and that you're not allergic to it. You laugh, but there's a lot of latex out there in the kink world.

A word about bondage, which is one common place start to explore kink. Sure, you can buy a pair of fuzzy handcuffs at your local sex shop and go for it, but you're going to tie up your submissive, you should definitely check out Two Knotty Boys at http://www.beknotty.com/wiki/index.php?title=FAQ_about_Rope_By_Dan_of_the_Two_Knotty_Boys. They'll tell you what you need to know about bondage so you don't hurt anybody.

Reading. It's not a bad idea to read some books before you really get into this lifestyle. A few good ones are SM 101 by Jay Wiseman and The Loving Dominant by John and Libby Warren. Both can be found on Amazon. etc.

Lastly, join FetLife - but be careful. http://www.fetlife.com

--Cassandra

Real People Real BDSM - a little S/m and bondage can work wonders

The latest true story in our series.

By Arianna

I think I was probably born with an inclination toward BDSM. My first sexual fantasies involved bondage and discipline before I even knew what it meant. But I was brought up where abstinence was the only path. My mom had me when she was very young so she scared me away from boys and sex to keep me from making the same mistake. It worked (though I don't advocate it), but I went into marriage with very little knowledge of sex, and more importantly, what I like, need, and want.

I was a blushing virgin on our honeymoon. Sex started off bad right away. The stress and anticipation made it hurt even more. I wasn't turned on by the regular routine of vanilla sex. When I fantasized, it was always about BDSM though I didn't know it. As long as I can remember, I had an interesting relationship with pain. I didn't go out of my way to hurt myself, but when I did, it fascinated me. I was the kid that pushed on bruises, picked at scabs, laughed when I got hurt instead of crying. When my sexual fantasies started involving pain, domination, control, being tied up and helpless, I thought I was weird. A freak. Something was wrong with me for wanting these things. I didn't know anyone else like me. I didn't watch porn or read erotic books to know this was normal.

For six years I kept my fantasies secret, scared my husband would be disgusted by my desires. I was petrified he'd reject me. During that time, sex was a chore. An obligation I rarely enjoyed. Sometimes I even hated it. When we had kids, we pretty much stopped having sex all together. Though our marriage has always been strong, there was a big hole missing. One neither of us knew how to fix. I accepted the fact that we were sexually incompatible. He was formulaic and passive. I wanted aggressive and creative.

After our 6th year of marriage, I started reading erotic novels. I realized that I'm not actually a freak for wanting to be tied up. And not even for wanting to mix pain with pleasure. There were lots of people like me who had satisfying sex lives (with their spouses even!), but that I had to be open and honest about my needs. It was very, very hard to tell my husband. Again, we go back to fear of rejection.

How do you tell the person you love that you want to be tied down and spanked? It wasn't as if I was interviewing a sexual partner, or a dom. This was my husband. He was it. There were no other candidates if he thought it was crazy. So I did it in stages.

First, I felt him out a little by telling him about the books I was reading. I used the acronym BDSM then studied his face to see if he would flinch or grimace. I should've known he wouldn't. After years of barely getting any action, I think he would have agreed to anything at that point if it got me off. There's a strategy for those of you with reluctant partners. Deprivation! Okay, kidding. But he was VERY interested in what I was reading. He wanted to know what turned me on.

Remember, most men want to please their women. It's a big turn on for them to know they can get their woman going. You have to appeal to their ego. So I think he was hoping for some clues in what I was reading. So I asked him if he'd like to try some bondage. He said, with a big grin, "okay!"

Things happened relatively quickly after that. He saw how responsive I was to being tied up, which encouraged him to keep going.

Here's a tip. Eager spouses: give your reluctant ones lots of praise and positive reinforcement for doing things you like. It's like training a puppy. Then they know what to keep doing.

After a few bondage sessions, I got even braver and asked him to spank me. Impact play is a huge turn on for me but I wasn't sure he'd like the idea of hitting me. Again, I battled insecurity. Now would he think I was a freak? Most partners, even in vanilla relationships, will tie each others hands once in a while. But I wanted to take it a step further. I wanted him to hurt me. But when I told him it would turn me on, he agreed.

He started off too light, just a few swats here and there. But I needed more. Since I couldn't look him in the eye and say, "I want you to spank me till I'm writhing and yelping and my ass is bright red" (Lol!), I texted him instead.

Here's another tip. Men like dirty texts! I told him exactly what I wanted him to do to me, how hot it would make me, and appealed to his ego that he's da man! He followed my instructions (with a few small changes here and there) and, again, I made sure to tell him how awesome he is after (positive reinforcement!).

The impact play was a more difficult balance to find. Mixing pain with pleasure is a fine line. Figuring out just the right implement, strength, length took a little practice. Yes, he hit me too hard once with the belt and I had a very painful welt to show for it. But everyone is entitled to mistakes. We're still learning each other, but also ourselves. Now that we've been at it a little while, we've both been surprised to realize my husband is growing to love BDSM too. At first, he was just doing it for me. But now we've found a bit of a sadistic streak in him. Not to mention some very clear dom potential.

We've come a long way in these last several months of integrating BDSM into our life. I started off forming the scenes, taking control even though he was the top, or the one tying me up, etc. I said where, how, what implement, etc. This is called topping from the bottom. But it was okay with me because he needed the confidence and direction.

Now that he knows what I like, he's naturally started to take the lead more. And I'm (sometimes reluctantly) giving up control. We could probably still be classified as a top/bottom relationship, but I wonder if we'll end up dom/sub at some point down the road.

The good thing is we both have a sense of humor and don't take things too seriously. BDSM is different for every couple. We will always be playful about it (yes, even when he's smacking my ass for being mouthy), it's just the way we are. Wherever our journey takes us, we'll always be us. A silly, loving, affection couple of smart-asses.

My advice is similar to what everyone else here has said: communication and honesty. It's hard to put yourself out there. It's a huge risk. But, hopefully, the person you are asking to try this with loves you.

If so, they will accept this part of you. It won't happen over night. My husband and I had a few down and dirty talks where I'd end up in tears and he'd be frustrated, trying to understand why I needed this and what I got out of it. Remember, this is a give and take. All relationships require some amount of sacrifice. That goes for the sexual parts too. Especially when you add such specific extras.

BDSM encompasses a lot of stuff. No two people will like the same exact things. So if your partner is going along with your tastes, make sure you're going along with theirs too. I'll give you an example. I don't like talking dirty. It's uncomfortable and makes me feel kinda silly. But my husband loves it. He orders me to tell him in graphic terms what I want, and even though it's not my favorite thing, I do it because I know he loves it. I let him have that.

The most important tip I can give someone is DO NOT COMPARE! Your partner will never be like your fantasies, or like the books you read. Your scenes will not always be as smooth and perfect as what you read in books. We are not fictional characters. We are real and this is a journey of trial and error.

I saw a picture of a certain bondage position I wanted to try. I asked my husband to do it to me. It was extremely erotic and very hot and he loved it. Unfortunately it was the most uncomfortable position in the world and I lasted about 5 minutes before my fingers were going numb. I'll tell you, yelling, "ow! my fingers are numb, let me loose!" is not how I imagined this scene going. But we laughed and adjusted and kept going because that's real life. Trial and error.

Laugh at your mistakes - yes, even if your partner hits you too hard with the belt. Well, you might want to curse for a few seconds first. And don't forget your safeword. If you have a reluctant spouse, have patience. Accept where they're at, just as you want to be accepted. It's a journey. It can be exciting and fun and sexy and funny, but the important thing is you're doing it together.

As Ariana says -- Safe Sane and Consensual

Saying a safeword isn't always necessary if you and your partner understand each other well. But...play it safe if you aren't sure.

And my website -- but I write fiction so the above will give you a better idea of real BDSM :)

http://www.carisilverwood.net/

What is BDSM - the basics explained.

So, what exactly is BDSM? I know a lot of people who are unfamiliar with BDSM tend to lump practitioners in with swingers, sex fiends, perverts, and the like.

Okay, so maybe there are a few people who are all of those and into BDSM as well. But let’s start with the basics.

BDSM is an overlapping, catch-all term that stands for

*Bondage &Domination

*Domination & submission

*Sadism & masochism

It is better to refer to BDSM as "WIITWD" (What It Is That We Do) because there are SOOOO many people lumped under the BDSM "umbrella" that technically don't fall under what is typically perceived as the BDSM lable. Just because someone's kinky doesn't mean they're a sadomasochist or into D/s play.

There are people who enjoy bondage play but no pain. There are people who are into the D/s (Dominance/submission) dynamic, but not into bondage or pain. There are people into pain play who aren't into D/s or bondage.

And every possibly conceivable permutation inbetween, including many you've probably never even thought of.

Also, don't think that just because someone is into kink of any kind that they mix their sexuality in with it. Some do, but some don't. I know players in the scene who are only into strict scenes that don't involve sex play at all.

There are people who are engaged in "pet play," which is where they basically act like an animal. Puppy and pony play are two of the most common. There are kittens and all sorts of fantastical animals as well. This is not necessarily the same thing as "furries" who enjoy full costumes. Just because a person is into one thing doesn't mean they're into another.

There are "spankos" who enjoy being spanked. Spanking parties are frequently a totally different, loose and laid-back atmosphere than that of a high-protocol dungeon where people might also get spanked. Some spankos are into BDSM, some aren't.

There are people who consider themselves "service submissives/slaves" where they want to be used for tasks like housework, but not sexually or for impact play.

There are people who are swingers or poly (or who are both) who are into BDSM, and there are monogamous couples/singles who are into BDSM.

In other words, don't go by what you see on the internet. The best way to meet people in the lifestyle is to attend a local function, like a Munch, where people get together in a vanilla setting to eat and chat. You can find people in your area on the website http://fetlife.com

And don't go to one BDSM party or dungeon and assume everyone plays like you witnessed. What people do varies as widely as there are people involved in the lifestyle. How traditional gay Leathermen might play may differ drastically than a husband and wife who only use BDSM to spice things up in the bedroom every once in a while.

I cover all this and more in my e-book "Whip Me, Beat Me, Make Me Write Hot Sex," which is available from Captiva Press, Amazon.com, for the nook, and in other online retailers.

Tymber Dalton (who also writes as Lesli Richardson, Tessa Monroe, and Macy Largo) is a bestselling author, who is also a BDSM lifestyle switch. Her website is http://tymberdalton.com