Monogamy and BDSM

I can honestly say that when I first learned about BDSM, I thought that monogamy was not the norm nor was it common. Shortly after I began writing my first BDSM story Slave, however, I met a couple who was completely monogamous. He had been in the lifestyle for twenty years. She was younger, and had been in the lifestyle for five.

Shortly thereafter, I met another monogamous couple. They’re married with three young children.

So why is it that when most people think about those who live the lifestyle they picture threesomes or large play parties where everyone is playing with everyone else?

After reading a lot of posts, and with what I know of the couples I’ve befriended, I’ve found that the couples in monogamous relationships within the lifestyle tend to be less vocal within the on-line community. They do have a presence, yes, but they tend to get over shadowed by those who are in poly or open relationship.

 

 The bottom line, as with all good relationships but especially those involving BDSM, is communication. I hear it preached in every on-line lifestyle forum. Guessing and hinting doesn’t work. Both partners have to be on the same page whether that is about limits or about wanting or not wanting a monogamous relationship.

Also ,be clear on what monogamy means to you. Does it mean not having sex with others? Or does it go farther than that and include flirting or play of any kind where others outside the relationship are involved? Don’t assume that your partner knows how you define monogamy. Draw clear lines so that there is no confusion by either partner. What is allowed? What isn’t?

Don’t allow yourself to be pressured into something you don’t want; all that will do is make you unhappy. Many newbies in the lifestyle feel like they will never find someone if monogamy is something they want in a relationship. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. Don’t settle. Go after what you want and need in your relationship.

(Sherri Hayes is the author of one BDSM novel, Slave (Finding Anna Book 1). More information can be found on her blog http://www.findingannaseries.blogspot.com/.)