Using BDSM to Heal Past Abuse

I'm Kallypso Masters, author of the Rescue Me series of BDSM erotic romances. As the BDSM Unleashed Blog Hop continues, I'm going in a different direction and explain what intrigues me about one aspect of this lifestyle and how I've been researching BDSM as sexual healing for several characters in my series. 


Sometimes BDSM hurts. Sometimes life hurts. And sometimes people find ways to use BDSM to take away the power of those past hurts in life.


That's where readers will be going in my next book, Nobody's Perfect. In Masters at Arms, the introduction to the series, readers met the very tortured heroine, Savannah Gentry. Life--mainly because of her incestuous, abusive father--has not been very kind to Savi. After escaping from her father's house, she took the name Savi Baker, which is who she is when this book opens. She's an incest survivor and a former sex slave, but she's one of the strongest characters I've ever written. She's dealt with some of the abuse and moved on to study and train as a therapist to help other kids going through the same things, but one area she neglected to address in her own therapy was to reconnect with her sexual self. She had no interest in ever having sex again, so she didn't see this as being of any importance in her life. Until she has to run again--into Damián Orlando's waiting arms. Then she finds herself bombarded by negative images and triggers from the past, co-mingled with happier memories of their one perfect day at the beach eight years earlier. But in reality, she is shackled by the past.

Finding a man, whether he's a Dom or not, who has the patience to deal with a woman so badly scarred and closed off is a challenge in fiction, much less real life. I know, because I'm one of those lucky enough to have found a very patient man who loves me despite all my issues. I also am an incest survivor (from a grandfather) and a child-abuse survivor (from countless other men) and know that connecting to my sexual self again is an ongoing process that takes a lot of work even after our 30 years together, because that crap never goes away, as my fellow survivors know.   


I don't live the lifestyle other than role-playing in the bedroom, but I heard from a number of readers who connected with Savi's character because of their own past abuses, and they very generously shared with me their ways of coping. With this book, I want to show a side of the BDSM community that I know exists from their stories, those of a Dom whom I consult with on scenes and scenarios, and postings in the forums on FetLife.com. That is, one in which a Dom helps his submissive redirect negative internal messages and deal with PTSD triggers using sadomasochism and control techniques. 


I know from personal experience that there is something very freeing about letting go of all those censors in your head that tell me to stop (or not even start). Being restrained does that for me and I'm sure it does for many others, too (and not just from past abuse). Of course, I'd never let someone restrain me unless I trusted them implicitly. But it's so much easier to let your guard down with that special someone you know is only going to give you an incredible journey and not take advantage of your vulnerability to take you beyond your limits. 


While I was able to draw on some of the emotions of being an incest survivor myself, I had no experience with using sadomasochism as a "therapeutic" source of healing. I had chosen the more traditional route with a decade (off and on) of therapy. I gained a lot from that, but in this BDSM genre series, I'm exploring how SM and other BDSM practices can help a survivor reclaim her body, redirect the negative messages in her head, and begin the journey toward become a sexual being in a health relationship. I have consulted with a reader who is a clinical psychologist, though, to help me make Savi's character more realistic (Savi's a therapist, too). I know that it's hard for someone who hasn't experienced this type of background to understand how having someone inflict more pain on you is supposed to help, so I asked Jennifer, my psychologist beta reader, to explain and she said:


"You've done good jobs at portraying [how] sometimes people are so numb it's the only thing they can feel, or it grounds them back into their bodies when emotions are too intense; sometimes they need physical pain to express or 'stand in' for the emotional pain they experience or to open up the gates for them to express emotional pain.... Sometimes people who aren't wire that way just won't get it because it's such a visceral thing." 


A word of caution before I go any further--this type of edge play can be dangerous in the wrong (or inexperienced) hands. If you want to explore this type of play for sexual healing (or fun), first and foremost, find an experience Dominant who is extremely patient and understanding and knows what s/he is doing after many years of practice. That includes finding a Dominant who will mentor your partner or spouse, if necessary. I have heard horror stories from those who went from childhood abuse only to grow up and choose partners who just continued to abuse them, but in the name of BDSM. I'm NOT talking about those types of relationships here, because that's abuse, not BDSM. The characters I write about and the people who provide me with expertise for these characterizations always are in consensual, healthy relationships. 


As I learned from the primary Dom I consulted with for this story--John Bacon (Toymaker on FetLife)--not everyone who has been abused is a good candidate for this kind of practice. Once I commented to him that Savi's was an extreme case, and he proceeded to describe an even more extreme case. John also told me that if a submissive he was working with turned out to be an active cutter (someone who inflicts cuts on her/his skin that aren't life-threatening, but used to give the cutter an endorphin release), he would patch her up and take her to a hospital with psychiatric treatment facilities, because that's a form of addiction and there's no place in Safe, Sane, and Consensual BDSM for addicts. There's a very real risk of the Dom in that situation going further than is healthy for the sub, or for the sub to replace SM for the cutting pain, and thus form a new addiction.  


One of the issues my character, Savi, has to deal with is allowing herself to feel--especially to cry or scream--because those are seen as signs of weakness to her from her past abuses. Kellie Hunter, a submissive who also beta reads for me, helped me a lot in trying to understand the inability to cry unless her Dom puts her through a severe impact session in order to get her to break down and release the tears, stress, and emotion. All of these emotions turned inward can lead to depression and stress, so it's good to be able to release them. 


Kellie explained it as such:

"For me never crying started out as never giving my [abuser] the satisfaction of knowing that she hurt me. Then it became such a part of what I was made of, I just can’t cry without help now… So for me, [SM and impact play] is a way to let go, to be able to cry and get what I need to release emotions I don’t usually know how to release. For me, it is almost like a therapy, to get rid of the stress and tears that I hold inside.”

After reading one of the scenes where Savi is fighting back the tears, only to release them after a session with Damián, Kellie wrote: “You got the whole crying thing down perfect. It is exactly what I do, too—blink really fast so I don’t cry. And when I do [cry], it is like I can’t stop. It was like you were in my head.”

Many of the scenes where Damian uses SM to help Savi occur later in the book, because I wanted to show that establishing trust between them takes quite a while (as it should in real life). They also needed to bond in non-sexual ways. Here's an UNEDITED scene in which they're beginning to explore the SM relationship with Damian as her Top. We're in Savi's head:

Damián moved his duffel bag behind her, she supposed so that she wouldn't see what he planned to use on her. She heard the clatter of what sounded like…lightweight pieces of wood.

He molded his body against her backside and encircled her waist with his arms, although the cross kept him from pulling her body into his. He pressed something against her skin, but she couldn't see what it was. After a few moments, he moved to her side and his erection pressed against her hip, sending a wave of panic clawing at her chest. She tried to move away from him, but couldn't budge. His warm, gentle hand stroked the bare skin of her abdomen in long circles, calming her after a time.

So numb. She didn't want to be numb anymore.

Anxious to get the scene started, she willed her neck to relax and her head lolled to the side. Warm lips pressed against the pulse at the side of her neck. His goatee should have tickled her, but she felt nothing.

Still numb.

Savi groaned in frustration.

"Breathe, Savita." His warm breath on her ear caused her to open her eyes. Breathing deeply, she felt something small and hard in his hand pressing against her abdomen. Looking down, she saw it was a clamp-like clothespin. She could picture him using it to clamp what, for most people, would be very sensitive parts of their bodies. Would she even feel it? He'd promised not to play with her pussy, but she hadn't put other places off limits, like her nipples. She'd heard him rattling more than one in his toy bag. What did he plan to do with those pins?

With his other hand, he gathered a pinch of her skin at her side, near her breast, and squeezed the flesh.

Pinch.

She gasped. While still numb, the pin had surprised her. She didn't like surprises.

"Here comes another little pinch." Standing behind her, she didn't know where the pin would be attached until he pinched the skin on the opposite side, but about the same place, near her breast. He fastened the pin to her skin. Again, pressure, but no real pain. She felt her skin warming where the clothespins had pinched her. He stepped away and she grew cold in the absence of the body heat that had provided so much warmth.

"How are you doing, mi sueño?

"Fine…Sir."

"Now, I am going to continue more rapidly so we can move on in the scene. All you need to do is breathe. In…and out." She heard the rattle of more clothespins, supposing he was stocking up on them. .

For the next several minutes, he continued to pinch the pins into place down her sides, alternating from one side to the other and restocking when he ran out. He must have applied a couple dozen of them by the time he stopped just above each of her hips. The next one was attached to the underside of her arm. She hissed. That one broke through the numbness a little bit, probably because she'd expected him to continue working down her body. He did the same on the other side, but she anticipated that one better and prepared herself by shutting down her pain reflex.

Too late, she remembered that wasn't the goal here, but that habit had helped her survive for so long, she knew of no other response.

"Focus only on your breathing right now, Savi."

Easy for him to say. He wasn't under attack from so many fronts at once. Again, she turned her attention to her inhalations and exhalations.

In. Out.

Damián left her side again and she almost gave in to the fear, but regained control as she forced herself to breathe in a very regulated manner, the way she'd been taught to breathe through the contractions when she'd prepared for Mari's birth. She focused her mind on each individual breath she drew.

In. Out.

Damián's hands stroked her back from her neck to just above her butt, then moved around to her chest, pressing his arms into the pins on her sides. She knew the clothespins must be digging into her flesh, but still felt nothing too terribly uncomfortable.

Just numbness and pressure.

"Savi, when it's time, I'm going to remove the clothespins one at a time. Immediately after each one is removed, I want you to attach a memory associated with a negative emotion—fear, anger, rage. You can scream, cry, cuss, or do whatever it takes to release that memory and feel that emotion, but you need to do it out loud and immediately. I need to hear it in order to take away its power over you.

Savi's mouth grew dry. She shook her head. "No, I don't think I can do this. I don't want to think about those things."

"You need to let those memories go so they'll no longer control or hurt you. They are holding you back. Even though you aren't consciously thinking about them now, they have held you hostage your entire adult life, possibly most of your childhood."

"I've repressed much of my childhood."

"Those will be some of the last memories you'll recall during this scene. It will take them longer to surface. But you want to release even the most painful of them."

She groaned. "Can I just think them? Don't make me say those things out loud, Sir." She didn't want him to know what she was.

"Speaking them is the best way to lessen their power over you. Otherwise, this will just be an exercise in pain for pain's sake. No value. No learning. No healing."

"But I don't feel pain. I don't feel anything."

Damián chuckled. "Oh, you'll definitely feel something before I'm finished, especially as the last pins are removed. The longer they pinch off the blood supply to your skin, the more you'll feel."

He truly expected her to feel something. He would be terribly disappointed when she didn't react at all. For some reason, the thought of disappointing him bothered her.

"Be my brave girl?"

"I'm not brave. I'm afraid of everything."

"Bullshit. You aren't afraid of me, are you?"

"You haven't hurt me, Sir. Not yet. Please don't ask this of me."

He stroked her cheek. "Savi, do you trust me to know what you need? To know what's best to help you?"

I think so.

Yes.


No!

She groaned again in frustration. How could he demand this of her? She couldn't think about the horrors of the past, much less speak of them. Most of the traumatic events she couldn't even remember anymore. She'd relegated those memories to the recesses of her mind long ago, right where she wanted them to stay.

"Trust me, Savi?"

If she didn't try this, she'd always wonder if it might have helped. She needed to do this.

She nodded.

"I want to hear you say the words."

"I…trust you, Damián…Sir."

He placed a kiss on her numb cheek. Her eyes stung. She wanted to feel his lips, but…nothing.

"That's my girl."

His girl. She wasn't his girl, his dream, his anything. Yet, when he spoke to her like that, some broken, damaged piece of her wished she could be. The realization that a relationship with Damián could never be left her feeling surprisingly sad.

"I have restrained your arms and legs so that you won't be able to move. It's critical that you remain as still as possible so that I don't miss."

Miss what?

"You don't have to worry about anything but attaching a memory to each pin as I remove it. ¿Comprende?"

She didn't want to understand, but she did. "Yes, Sir."

Her heart pounded, but he brushed his lips across her ear and said, "I'm so proud of you."

That unfamiliar warmth spread through her again.

"Now, breathe, Savita."

In. Out.

He stepped away, moving behind her, and the loss hurt more than any since the night she heard him ride out of her life at her father's house. Her eyes burned. She blinked them to ease the sting. Silence. Fear surged to the surface.

"You won't leave me alone like this, will you, Sir?"

He cursed under his breath and seconds later placed his hands on the sides of her face forcing her to look at him.

"A responsible Dom or Top never leaves a sub alone when restrained. While there will be times when I want you to spend time in your head, right now, I want you to be thinking about some of the scenes you will release for me soon. Don't you dare even think I might leave you alone, restrained, at any time. Okay, Savita?"

Part of her wished he meant that as in forever, but she pushed that impossible thought aside. No one could ever love someone like her. He was just trying to help her. "Thank you, Sir."

His lips brushed hers. Tingling. She'd actually felt something! Perhaps because she hadn't anticipated it. Maybe if she let her guard down more, gave herself permission to feel something, this scene actually could do some good.

Savi pictured herself as Damián must see her, naked, arms and legs spread wide, exposed. She hadn't placed herself in such a vulnerable position with a man since she'd regained control of her life and body after escaping her father and Lyle.

Crack!

Savi jumped. Well, more figuratively than physically, given how tightly he'd bound her. The sound of the whip popping in the air brought her senses to full alert.

Damián came from behind her. He had recoiled the whip and held it in his left hand. He walked in front of her, so near she felt his body heat. He wrapped the whip around her back at waist level. He pulled it from side to side against her back, letting the friction of the leather warm her skin.

"The whip is going to free you, Savi. I don't want you to fear it. I want you to embrace it as it is embracing you right now."

Two Ways to Win!

I'm going to give away a copy of Nobody's Perfect (or any other Romance in this series) to one lucky winner who comments below WITH an e-mail address. Those without e-mail addresses will not be eligible. The winner also will receive some Rescue Me series swag (Master Adam hand fan, bookmark, Romance Trading Cards, and a purple pen for the Ahh, Kallypso...the stories you tell" blog.) Drawing will be held on/after July 21. Watch for a posting by Leagh Christensen, my assistant (and Fairy Godmother 1st Class).

AND

There are several GRAND PRIZES in this blog hop, but to win those, you need to follow the instructions in the form below:






Thanks for making this stop in the blog hop and watch the following sites for announcements for the release of Nobody's Perfect in late August:


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