Is there an age requirement to be a good Dom?

Recently I've been reading a lot about the age of Doms and how many people would never consider someone under the age of, for instance, thirty years old to be a "real Dom". Most of the reasons given for this opinion have to do with maturity and experience. I agree, to a certain extent. I've seen men on sites like FetLike who are 18, 20 etc and calling themselves Doms. At that young, it doesn't seem to me that a man can be everything a Dom should be. I believe Doms do need to have a certain amount of life experience before they can be a good Dom. But what's the "magic number"? Is there one?

In the book I'm writing currently, my Dom is twenty-seven. He's one of the youngest Doms I've ever written. I think Conner from Impact was between twenty-five and twenty-eight, but Jack from Caught and Ryan from Master Class were both in their thirties. Will has a few insecurities/hang-ups/whatever you want to call them because he isn't quite as emotionally mature as my older Doms. I'm not a big fan of writing the uber-Dom anyway, so my Doms tend to have doubts, but in Will's case some of his even stem from the idea that he's not sure he NEEDS BDSM in his life. Can he be happy without it if his lover isn't into it?

How much experience does a man need before he can fully grasp the crucial aspects of BDSM - particularly the psychological aspects? (By the way, I use man as a catch-all - the same points go for women as Dommes.) Can someone who's only a few years out of college really understand and be able to translate into practice all the nuances of BDSM?

I'm not saying they can't - just posing the question. So what do you think?

I released Unexpected Top on January 18th, and it's got a bit of a different slant to BDSM. The heroine initiates a female-led relationship (similar to Taken in Hand) to try to save her marriage. For more information on that or any of my other books, check out my website at http://www.booksbycassandracarr.com.

-- Cassandra

To radical feminists who hate BDSM: Fuck. You.

On one of the email lists I'm on, someone posted a blog entry sent to them. The short version is the blog was written by a radical feminist who claims that anyone who practices BDSM is a misogynistic asshole (the male Dominant) or a delusional, weak, misled woman (the submissive).

Really? REALLY? This is 2013. Do we REALLY have to keep having these kinds of discussions?

The basic tenets of BDSM are trust and communication. Are there abusive assholes? Sure there are, just like there are in vanilla land. And the abusive assholes can be of either gender.

The radical feminists who refuse to see that BDSM is a legitimate choice in both relationship dynamics as well as sexual practices are no better than the radical right-wing anti-gay evangelicals, or the radical extremists of any religion. The radical feminists who put down the choice to participate in BDSM are small-minded, ignorant pinheads who refuse to educate themselves or talk to people one-on-one who participate in BDSM. They are the intellectual equivalent of the Westboro Baptist Church protesters.

Look, my choice might not be your choice, but as a BDSM switch I can unequivocally state that I am NOT abused, nor am I an abuser. As a slave and submissive, all I have to do is safeword and play immediately stops. As a top, if my submissive safewords, I immediately stop.

Tell me how many "abusers" are that considerate?

Radical feminists who abhor BDSM no doubt would be happy if we all just went to doing cowgirl position, coming before our men, and then rolling over to fall asleep without getting them off.

*snooorrreeeee*

Seriously? Do they think the end result of feminist activism is NOT having the choice to do what we want to do? Really?

You know what? So BDSM isn't your thing. That's cool, I get that. No problem.

My problem comes when some radical feminist who's never met me lays out a blanket statement saying I'm a misguided, abused fool when they don't know shit about me or my lifestyle.

I am a switch. I am a submissive. I am a collared slave. (And yes, there are "one twue wayers" out there whose heads just exploded, and to them I also say, "Fuck. You.")

You don't have to like what I do anymore than I have to like what you do. But here's a key difference--I offer you respect despite not agreeing with your choices.

Too bad you can't offer back the same. And that means you've wasted your opportunities to wallow in the mire of idiocy, level: Westboro Baptist.

Your thoughts?

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Tymber Dalton is a screaming banshee moderately outspoken real-life participant in the BDSM lifestyle. Her website is http://tymberdalton.com and her sequel to The Reluctant Dom, The Denim Dom, will be released March 1, 2013, from Siren-BookStrand.

Random ramblings & catch-up news.

Happy Friday! I think the blog post title says it all. LOL I'll be spending a goodly chunk of my weekend at lifestyle events with Sir. (Third Saturdays are always busy for us with standing events we attend.)

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I read a rant on Fetlife the other day from a Dom who made a pretty valid point, in my book. He talked about the Fifty Shades phenomenon, and how kudos to the author on her success, but that she did "'nillas" now looking to get into the lifestyle no favors by her portrayal of it. That there are people like him, "predators" (and he meant in a consensual, heavy sadist kind of way) who will make the hero of that book look like Mr. Rogers. That the "milder" form of BDSM she misrepresented is only one slice of an infinite pie of real-life BDSM. That people like him, who use extreme humiliation in their scenes, or heavy edge players who maybe do torture scenes, or interrogation scenes, etc. will likely scare the bejeeezus out of noobs who wander into the average dungeon or play party. That this influx of people expecting a kinder, gentler BDSM might try to "pc" and tame BDSM and make it more polite to fit their views of what it "should" be based on a series of books that weren't very true-to-life to begin with, and drive a wedge into the community.

You know, those are very valid points. I always caution people that they should never base their views of BDSM on any fictional work, because there is such an infinite variety of ways people play. There's a huge bell curve of people, with of course most falling in the center, but extremes on both ends. Sir and I are considered edge players in our group, and when we do our intros at the munch we frequent we joke the list of things we aren't into is usually easier than listing the things we are into.

Yes, I realize that most people are able to differentiate fantasy from reality. However, as the poster commented, someone whose only experience with BDSM is the FSoG series might be scared away from the lifestyle for good if they witnessed a scene with him dragging a screaming submissive into the middle of a dungeon while calling her horrible names and pissing on her. (Yes, consensually because she's a humiliation whore, so to speak.)

Thoughts?

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Facebook: I started a Facebook group for BDSM readers and authors (fiction and non-fic) this week. I was shocked when we hit 200 members by the next morning! It's a closed group, meaning posts aren't visible unless you're a member. Yes, promo is allowed (within reason) but the promo MUST involve a BDSM book/page. Please read the rules in the files section when you join.

http://www.facebook.com/groups/BDSMBibliophreaks/

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Update on Tony's (The Reluctant Dom, Domme by Default) story: Yes, I finally got Tony's story finished and turned in! The Denim Dom will be released by Siren-BookStrand on 3/1/13. Woot-woot! :) No cover yet, but here's the blurb:


Blurb:

Who needs leather when you can have denim? A denim Dom, that is.

Shayla Pierce dumped her lying ex and moved to Florida to start a job at a magazine. An assignment to write about BDSM leads her to discover a new world and make a slew of new friends, including the sinfully sexy Tony Daniels. She’s just not sure she can ever trust again.

Tony is used to teaching about BDSM, but he’s never trained a submissive he wasn’t dating before. After losing hope he’ll ever find the perfect submissive for him, Shayla walks into his life and asks him to train her for her series of articles. He knows about her bad break-up and their agreement is supposed to be nothing more than business. But as she raises the ante, he’s finding it harder to keep his heart under lock and key.

Will Shayla stay a hostage to her past, or allow Tony to become her Denim Dom?

Other books from this "world" and characters followed up by this book include:

The Reluctant Dom
Domme by Default
Safe Harbor
Cardinal's Rule

I've dubbed this group of stories "The Suncoast Society" and have several more books planned involving these and other characters.

They're all available at my author page on Siren-BookStrand's site:

http://www.bookstrand.com/tymber-dalton

You can go to my Siren-BookStrand author page and click on the Notify Me link to get an email from Siren when they update my page and add new books for pre-order. (It's also where you can find all my releases under my various pen names: Tymber Dalton, Lesli Richardson, Tessa Monroe, and Macy Largo.)

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Finally, I have a new release today! It's a Sweet Life is a prequel to my new Coffeeshop Coven series.


http://www.bookstrand.com/its-a-sweet-life

Blurb:

Libbie Addams has a mortgage on her struggling bakery, no love life, no health insurance…and fibromyalgia. She's worried about making ends meet when two hunks show up to rent her extra apartment. Not only do cousins Ken Dougherty and Charles Stackhouse make her money worries disappear, they offer to help out in their spare time.

They also make her panties damp. Too bad they're gay, but they’re great eye candy.

The men have a secret—they're not gay cousins. They're twin brothers hiding from a vengeful mob boss. Charles is Allan Donohue, a prosecutor with the State Attorney's office in Miami. Benjamin Donohue is the undercover detective who helped break the case wide open. Now they're marked for death.

They hope their ruse can keep them, and Libbie, safe. Because now that they've fallen in love with the delicious baker, they’ll never let her go. But when vengeance comes calling, will they ever get to enjoy their sweet life together?

--

It's a mfm contemporary with just a TINY hint of paranormal elements from secondary characters.The Coffeeshop Coven series will center around Many Blessings, the New Age shop introduced in my book, "Out of the Darkness." Not quite the heavy paranormal of my shifters and vampires, I'm hoping my contemporary fans will also enjoy this series.

If you haven't read "Out of the Darkness" yet, it's my 2010 EPIC winner that also provides some backstory for Many Blessings. You don't have to read it to read "It's a Sweet Life" or the rest of the series, but if you want the full backstory, you might enjoy it:

http://www.bookstrand.com/out-of-the-darkness

Thanks, and happy Friday, everyone!

Yes, my books are educational. What of it?

Recently and in the past reviewers have remarked about how some of my BDSM books seem sort of educational. It's not that the scenes aren't hot, but they feel like I over-explain things a little. And you know what? That's just fine with me.

Why?

Because there's a lot to BDSM, including a whole lot of safety issues. And I would feel terrible if someone read one of my books and then hurt themselves because I put something unsafe in it or didn't talk about the things you should do to make sure you're playing safely.

As a "for instance", I have a wax play scene in my recent release, Master Class. As the Dom and sub are talking about the scene beforehand, the sub mentions there are special candles (the Dom is new and the sub is experienced) that you use for wax play. I did that because I read a BDSM book within the past year (meaning it's not an old release) where the Dom used regular household candles. Ow.

I know a lot of authors don't think it's their responsibility to educate about BDSM in their books, and that's okay, but I don't agree. I would rather have readers and reviewers alike mention the detail I go into about safety and education than the alternative.

What do you think the responsibility for both readers and authors alike is when it comes to BDSM? I'm totally open to hearing differing opinions. That's what makes the world go 'round. Tell me your thoughts in the comments section.

Oh, and before I let you go, I have two BDSM releases- Master Class and Unexpected Top. Here are the blurbs for both. More info is on my website at http://www.booksbycassandracarr.com.

Master Class:

Ryan Tomasi feels like a failure. His marriage is officially over; the ink dried on the divorce decree. His friend Jack introduces him to BDSM and he agrees to attend a Halloween party at a club. A submissive approaches him, offering herself, and how can he refuse the kneeling beauty? They do a whirlwind scene and Ryan is addicted—both to dominance and to her.

Lisette Rinaldo is returning to the BDSM club for the first time since ending a bad relationship with her former master. She spots Ryan and is taken by the combination of self-assurance and nervousness the man displays as he takes in his surroundings. And after he gives her an incredible re-introduction to the lifestyle, she knows she needs to see the man again.

Ryan and Lisette explore each other and the lifestyle, but what started out as playtime quickly evolves into something more. The problem? Ryan isn’t ready to get serious again and Lisette doesn’t want to fall in love with a guy who can’t give all of himself to her. Both of them are going to have to break out of the bonds holding them back from happiness.

Unexpected Top:
Sometimes a wife has to go to extreme measures to save her marriage. When Cissy Holden doesn't feel appreciated, she takes matters into her own hands--literally--and introduces her wayward husband Len to the concept of a Female-Led Relationship (FLR). Will Len be on board with FLR, or has Cissy just made the biggest mistake of her life?

-- Cassandra