So what have you always wanted to know about the BDSM lifestyle, but were too afraid (or embarrassed) to ask? Toss them out there to us in the comments. We promise we don't bite...unless you ask very nicely. *weg!*
I'll pick a random winner Monday (9/19) from all the questions left to receive a couple of signed bookplates. :)
Can you talk a little about needle play? I've seen the stitching patterns on people. What is that like? Once a person does this, is the stitching usually done in the same spot to avoid scars everywhere? Are some places more sensitive/erotic than others? What about aftercare? How's that for a start? LOL Thank you!
ReplyDeleteGreat question, Margie! Usually (but not always) needle play is done with smaller-gauge needles, and the needles are kept shallow, in the upper levels of the... *brainfart* I want to say epidermis but that could wrong. So like with accupuncture, while you might feel the needle, it's not "agonizing." (Although there are people who enjoy the edgier end of the scale and want pain and blood and use larger gauge needles.)
ReplyDeleteSo as long as there isn't any infection (best practices must be used to prevent infection and contamination by blood-borne pathogens) there shouldn't be any scarring.
As with any person, some people might find parts of their body to be more sensitive. Some might want just that type of pain play, however. :) As for aftercare, it depends on the recipient. If they need it,their top will give it to them. Not everyone who plays needs extensive aftercare. And it can differ from scene to scene, and person to person, depending on the circumstances.
Hi Tymber - thanks for the information. I appreciate the help. My next 3 books have BDSM in them...the second one may have needle play.
ReplyDeleteWhy is it certain aspects of BDSM aren't allowed in BDSM novels? For example when you visit a BDSM website you see a lot of people who are into water sports however it is not permitted to be written about in a BDSM novel.
ReplyDeleteMargie - For needle play, check out Professor Oni's site: http://www.onisensei.org/ he is a shibari expert, does needle play, and is an amazing photographer. He is definitely someone I would recommend talking to about needle play. He's amazing, and I know him personally and have seen him play. He's also an instructor.
ReplyDeleteHeaven - Water sports and scat are examples of activities that more mainstream readers just would be totally squicked out about. I'm not sure if those categories violate any "pornography" laws either, but that might play into it. I've seen it crop up as story elements in self-published and some very extreme indie publication books, but most publishers won't touch elements like that. I am not a lawyer, but I believe the legal definition of pornography talks about artistic values as defined by local peers, etc, and I can see where an author and a publisher would have a hard time defending those elements against "artistic value" in a lawsuit. Unfortunately, free speech clashes with pornography laws in a big way.
Is there such a thing as a BDSM screening process? Or do subs just take a chance and hope they're not getting involved with psychoDom? Also, contracts...how legally binding are slave contracts?
ReplyDelete@Cooper - Great questions!
ReplyDeleteAs for a screening process, not really. It's like real life, unfortunately, you take your chances. That's why real-life events like Munches and parties are great for people to meet because you have a safe environment to talk to people and possibly.
As for contracts, they are not binding. Slavery is illegal in this country, even of the voluntary kind, so any slave contract is strictly a formality between the parties, not any kind of legally binding document. I know quite a few couples who don't even use them.
Thanks! :)
My biggest question is about wax play. I'm very curious about it but other than a few scenes in books, know next to nothing about it! Anything you can tell me?
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ReplyDeleteCan you explain the real difference of topping from the bottom and expressing how you feel and want? I know the edge very close on the same path.
ReplyDeleteNot to but in (no pun intended LOL) but there are publishers who will take stories with water sports / water play. Fanny Press is one of them. Water play features largely in my story "Finding Sanctuary" which came out in 2010. It's been very successful. I think the reason most publishers stay away from it is the "squick" factor, and the rationale that such a book wouldn't make any money. But there's definitely a market for it, and I've gotten wonderful feedback (and kudos) from readers for including water play in my story.
ReplyDeleteRiane - Wax play is a type of sensation play where the top uses a low-temperature candle to drip wax on the bottom. (Anywhere on the bottom's body LOL.) Usually it's kept below the neck for safety reasons. The scenes I've witnessed, the wax is usually gently scraped off with a sharp knife, so there's an additional element of sensation. As long as the wax isn't too hot (you can't just use any candle, it has to be a low temp one) and the bottom isn't cut, it's pretty safe and fun for everyone involved.
ReplyDeleteMrs Z - I assume you're talking about butt plugs? Everyone is different. If someone has never done anal play, they will have to start off with a smaller plug and gradually work up to a larger size. How long this takes and what size depends on the person and their body. Stories where a submissive is forced to take a large plug from the start are not only unrealistic, they're dangerous because tearing can result from trying to force too big a plug into someone not used to taking one.
ReplyDeleteI've seen various information on time, most seem to agree you should not wear a butt plug for more than a few hours at a time. Does that mean people can't wear them all day or night? No, because people are different, but that's the general info I've seen.
Another good rule of thumb is that insertion should go VERY slowly, using LOTS of lube, and you should never push harder than with one finger. That's the best advice I've heard, and as far as real-life use, seems to be one people do seem to agree on (that I've talked to personally). Again, not to say that's everyone's advice or experience, but it's mine.
Sarah - That's something that will differ from couple to couple. What one top asks from their bottom in terms of communication can differ greatly from another couple. Some tops demand their bottoms give them all information, including asking for what they want. Some have an attitude of, "You'll do what I want or code and we'll talk." And everywhere in between.
ReplyDeleteMy personal definition is using passive-aggressive behavior to control the dynamic instead of turning over control to the top. A good top will earn your trust and give you a way to communicate what you need without resorting to tricks. As with anything, my definition might differ from someone else's, but that seems to be a general consensus from tops and bottoms I know in real life, as well as from my own personal experience.
DC Juris - Actually, I did say it does crop up from time to time. :) However, there are valid reasons why most publishers won't touch it.
ReplyDeleteOh my I've seen the Professor's work the other night...scary, but so very intriguing. Loved his rope work!
ReplyDeleteAs a reader I enjoy reading this genre immensly but wonder if I would like it personly in real life. As a person who has never been near this lifestyle I also wonder where one would even start looking?
ReplyDeleteHow much research do you do when writing your stories. Not that I'm asking about your personal life, but I think the best way to come across as believable (did I spell that right?) would be to maybe not participate but actually see it, do you interview D/s, attend clubs etc.? Thanks for being available to answer questions :-)
ReplyDeleteI have been curious about BDSM for years. I have trouble getting out of my own head in the bedroom, is there anywhere i can go to learn more about it and how to convince my husband hes not going to hurt me by spanking me, all i can get him to do is tap me.
ReplyDeleteToni - Professor Oni is AMAZING! I'm lucky enough to live in his neck of the woods. We all missed him when he had to move out of the area for a while, and we're glad he's back! :)
ReplyDeleteGabrielle - One easy way is to go to FetLife.com and sign up for an account. (Free and easy) Then you can locate events in your area. Find a Munch (which is an informal gathering, usually held at a public restaurant) and...go. Talk to people. Meet people. Attend a public play party just as an observer. Believe me, that's the way many people start out. And as one friend of mine likes to say, people who play at parties NEED people to come out and watch, otherwise they'd stay home and play. LOL
ReplyDeleteUna flor al dia/A flower a day - No problem. :) Actually, I am active in the lifestyle as a switch, meaning I play at both ends of the riding crop. LOL I only submit to my hubby and a dear friend of ours, and both of them are switches as well and submit to me. I also help instruct others from time to time on the proper way to use implements. So my writing comes from real-world experience. :) The funny thing is, our friends in the lifestyle usually ask me when they'll end up in a book. LOL (Some of them already have. LOL)
ReplyDeleteEriclover - A great movie to watch together is Secretary staring James Spader and Maggy Gyllenhaal. Then, go to FetLife.com (free) and sign up and look for events in your area to attend together. Talking to others might help your husband understand it more. Sometimes, some men have to be taught there is a HUGE difference between abuse and consensual BDSM play. Once they understand how much their partner enjoys it, they often will get into it themselves. My husband isn't a sadist, but the friend of ours I also switch with is, so hubby will play with me with the activities he enjoys, and then turn me over to our friend for the more sadistic, heavy play. LOL Best of both worlds. :) Communication is key, however. Make sure to talk, talk, talk.
ReplyDeleteI've loved reading all the questions and answers. Thanks for doing this on the blog, Lesli!
ReplyDeleteI've been wracking my brain to ask a question for days now. I didn't see anyone mention nipple clamps. If someone was looking to purchase them, what are some things to take into consideration? And what makes the "official-purpose" clamps better than clothespins, clip-on earrings, and other "pervertibles"? Also discuss the use of weights on the chain between and what types of objects can be used as weights.
Thanks!
Kally
LOL Kally! :) Well, there are lots of different kinds in different price ranges and degrees of severity. Depending on the kind of effect you're going for (decorative to severe torture) and your pocketbook, you'd have to pick what fits your situation. As for weights, you have to be careful with those so as not to rip flesh. Anything can be used as a weight, but I've most often seen lead weights, like fishing sinkers, used. And there's no big difference in effect in using a multi-purpose pervertible over something made as a nipple clamp. As long as it grabs and holds, you can use it. LOL Just be careful when removing them. Also, if left on too long, any nipple clamp can cause tissue damage from cutting off blood flow.
ReplyDeletePervertibles! Love it, Kally. :-)
ReplyDeleteI think Tymber is the Mistress of Pervertibles... if memory serves, she answered an interviewer's question about her favorite BDSM 'boutique' as "Home Depot" which put me instantly in love. :-)
Kimberly
@Kimberly - LOL Yes, I have a great teacher. My Sir is the Master of Pervertibles, especially from kitchen supply and home repair stores. LOL
ReplyDeleteOkay....CRAP!!! Can I claim fibrofog on me forgetting to get back here to pick a winner? LOL No? How about I'm busting ass on my latest WIP to get it turned in to my publisher, will that excuse save me? LOL
ReplyDeleteTHE WINNER IS..... *drumroll*..... MARGIE CHURCH!! Please email me at tymberdalton AT gmail DOT com with your snail mail addy (and real name if I need that LOL) and I'll get you your bookplates. Thanks!!!!!~
I have a question about dom space. I understand sub space but recently came across people saying that dom space is the equivalent. Is this possible or just a made up fantasy. And if it's real could you describe it?
ReplyDeleteHi! I have a question about how to proceed with an online Dom, like long distance relationship... Its both exciting and scary at the same time since we are fair away... I played with a dom online and was dumped after our 2nd date for a 20 years old slave. I know he is a player and not the real thing but now I've been talking to someone that is really ice for over a month but i am still scared about the possibility of having my heart broken again... I am also attending munchs on my local area and have to say that is fun to meet other people that share some of my kinks... The thing is i want the real D/s relationship so I am not in a rush to shop for a Dom. I would love if you can talk more about online x rl intercation... Thanks!
ReplyDelete